[Dmommab]

Zackery came to live with us at 2 days old. He tested positive for cocaine & marijuana at birth. Birthmom was a prostitute & I'm CERTAIN alcohol was involved as well but we have no "proof". He was a difficult baby & cried 24/7 - we loved him unconditionally & adopted him as soon as we were able. His behaviors at home have been escalating for a long time but his teachers at preschool say "he's such a wonderful loving boy" and have never seen any "problems". At home he tells us NO & can be so defiant & "mean" to the other children. Time-outs do NOTHING! We even resorted to spanking to see if that would have any effect but it does NOTHING! IF I can catch him & hold him close to me for 10-15 minutes that does the trick but many times he runs from me because he knows that is what I am going to do & I cannot catch him! My 8 year old sees a psychiatrist and is on medication (he is bipolar, adhd, Aspergers, OCD) but I personally can't stand the man (I know that sounds horrible) and REFUSE to start Zack with him if I can at all avoid it. I'd really like to hear some ideas from all of you well-informed people as to what you think the problem may be. RAD? FAE? HELP! LOL We are losing control of him quickly & it scares me to death! He will begin kindergarten in the fall. Thank you!

[mommy2fiveplus]

FAE has one pretty distinctive sign, a lack of emotion. They often only have two; anger and happy. They also don't show remorse when they have done something wrong. As FAE is a spectrum disorder it can be very difficult to diagnose and where they fall on the spectrum can determine the signs and symptoms.

[Barksum]

Additionally, with FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) many professionals are wary about giving that dx without 'proof'. Some professionals do...but they can be hard to find!

There is a helpful book called Trying Differently Rather Than Harder, by Diane Malbin. It is available at FASCETS This might help you determine if you are dealing with a child who has FASD, and how to approach him so that he can understand and do better.

A team of professionals is often the best approach. Perhaps including a neuropsych, an occupational therapist, and a family therapist. Check into FASD resources in your region. Notice I don't say 'your town' because these resources can be scattered around the country and not happen to be close to where one lives. Also be sure to look for up-to-date info on FASD because we now know that the brain is able to change and 'heal' to a certain extent, so any web site or other source of info that states that these children are hopeless cases due to permanent brain damage is totally out of date. Yes, brain damage is permanent, but often the damage can be mitigated and worked on to bring about changes in the brain. Additionally there can be adaptions to the environment to help the child succeed.

[greenrobin]

I'm reading a book called The Connected Child by Karen Purvis. It offers a ton of suggestions that seem to work. My kids were drug and alcohol exposed in utero, so I get your problem. My Bubba is nearly 5 and we have many of the same issues.

Other folks have suggested Love and Logic. I haven't read that one yet.

As much as you dislike your p-doc, you know you want to do whatever is best for your child. I'm not pushing it, but I'm also not opposed to better living through chemistry! We have a 20 yr old w/bipolar, ADHD, ODD, and depression. Drug therapy was the best way for him. Try to find someone you feel you can work with. Also, getting a diagnostician involved would help determine what you're dealing with. Then you can decide on what type of therapies he may need.

Frustration can take you down the spanking road. I do understand. But some kids just don't respond. Not that I did it, but I think we could have paddled N with a board and gotten the same effect that a regular spanking had--nothing at all! And, above all else, he needs to know that you are in charge, so you have to find a way to catch him! I understand the challenge, really. But, if holding him works, keep doing it. It will get better.

And don't you just hate the way kids can hold it in at school? I try to tell myself they act out only at home because that's where they feel safe to let it go.

Okay, so I'm as sharp as a marble, but it helps to try to stay positive!

[aspenhall]

Love an Logic will only work with a kid who can understand logic. But it acts the same way crutches would....it gives structure an support, without contributing much to the actual healing....but it also helps you move forward easier.

If you can't read the book, at least visit the website and sign up for the weekly tips.