[hydroxybutane]

Hi everyone,

I've kind of been hiding out...feeling the need to post an update, but with little good news to share. DH and I have been trying very hard to make some really important decisions about the girlies future and we think that finally we have arrived at a plan.

Basically S, has been our most difficult child out of the group. She has set fires in my inlaws house..and has tried to start them anywhere. We can not have any matches, lighters, anything...The other day, I caught her with a piece of glass trying to light grass on fire. She is also manipulative and abusive towards her sisters...especially M, her youngest sister...she likes to push her over..and then laugh. She also acts out sexually towards her sisters...and other kids. She is VERY manipulative, and likes to try and put people against each other...she likes to see people argue. Her rages have also gotten worse and more violent...Basically her room right now is empty except for mattress..I put sheets on it at night..and I will give her toys to play with in her room, with the alarm, but she can't keep them in her room. Finding therapy, has proved to be impossible. The therapist we use for the other girls, has admitted she is not the right person to help with S. We videotaped one of her rages and showed to it to the therapist. There has been poop and pee smeared, squished and placed...anything that she can do to drive me batty has been done...I try soooo hard not to react, but it only makes her try harder..it's been so so so horrible...She can't go to camp because of I don't trust the supervision to be enough that she won't hurt another child..

It's been so so so hard...I feel so torn apart I wanted her here so badly, I want to keep all the sisters together, but she is soooooooo toxic for her sisters...so so toxic...

When my parents came to town during the trial, she was very much in awe of my father, and she listened to him. My dad said, that they would take her in in a heartbeat (they have no kids at home and no pets). Best of all, there is an attachment therapist in a big city about 45 minutes from them who is willing to take S as a patient. The hard part is....she would be very far away. (about a two days drive). I feel so strongly about keeping the girls together, but I don't know if any of them can heal if they are together. So....as hard as it has been...believe me..I have cried, cried and prayed so hard about this....S will be going to live with my parents..Our adoption of the girls will be finalized shortly and under advisement of our lawyer we will be adopting all 4 girls..and the giving legal guardianship of S to my parents.

This has been the hardest decision of my life...

[lucyjoy]

Hydrox-

I had to seperate my twins in order for them to have a chance at healing. As adults, they are very bonded-and far more healthy then they would have been had I kept them together.

S cannot heal without the right therapy for her illness. Your other girls can't heal if all your time and energy is going to S.

I'm so sorry you are in this situtation, it is very painful. I had to send one of my twins to a treatment center for safety. Your father sounds like a good solution for S.

[hydroxybutane]

Oh lucy,

Thank you for giving me hope again I hope that she will be able to bond with her sisters as they get older..

My parents are going in with wide open eyes and they are very committed to line of sight...They have her room set up already with alarms, etc. They also have an emergency plan in place - there is a RTC in community - that will also take her (something that isn't available here).

Growing up..my parents were very very strict and we also had structure. She needs that structure and loving strictness. My mom has always been a stay at home mom.

It is so so hard....

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Being separated may actually increase the girls chances of bonding as they grow up, because the others won't have so many bad memories of their sister to make them resentful of her. Also, being the only child in a two-parent home is clearly the best situation for S. so she can get the level of supervision she needs.

[momraine]

I think you made the best possible decision for all of the girls. S will heal better with the resources your parents can bring and the other girls will heal better away from her. You are blessed because she will be with family so you can keep in touch and they can see each other sometimes. Sometimes siblings are separated and never see or hear from each other again. You will be able to keep in close touch sending e-mails and with phone calls and sending pictures in e-mail. I think this will help the girls feel close, but also safe. As things stand S is not bonded to her sisters, she probably has RAD, and cannot bond to them unless she heals. I totally understand about not being able to find the resources where you live. I have the same problem here, but lucky for me, my other children are healthy and older and so I can take extra time for M. You have four girls that need to heal. You and dh cannot give S the undivided attention she needs and still help the others heal. You did the right thing, you must love them very much to be willing to do this for thier health. Keep in touch with your parents via e-mail and you can share what everyone is doing. When the girls are ready you can do weekly phone calls. I think you will see a huge improvement in the other three when S is out of the house. Though also be prepared for some guilt feelings, especially from R, she will blame herself. She may need some extra momma sunshine time.
You are still in my prayers, I added you and the girls months ago and will add your parents now.
Keep up the awesome work!

[chickymum]

You are doing what is right!!! You are actually VERY lucky to have a family situation that this can happen with. I know how hard this is for you but you are doing what is right for the kids and that is what is important.
Amanda

[chelspark1]

We had to disrupt with my kids younger brother last year. It was very hard for the kids at first but nobody was getting any better why he was here. My son (his bio brother) was ready to kill him by the time his younger brother left.
He was adopted by another family about four hours away. We keep in contact through phone calls and we drive up there for an overnight every four months.
The kids are actually getting along much better than when they lived with each other. They really seem to care about him and understand his problems more clearly now that he is not here.
You made a very difficult decision, but one that I believe is the best for everyone involved.
You are really doing a wonderful job with the girls. Thank God they have you in their lives.

[stevenstwin]

I think you have hit upon a wonderful solution, where S. is going to get lots of one-on-one attention in a home with no other children, and yet still maintain close ties to you and the rest of her family. Reading the first part of your post, my heart was sinking, assuming that the only reasonable solution would be to adopt the other three and have S. put back "into the system" - and I would NOT have faulted you for that under the circumstances! - but how wonderful that this much better opportunity has presented itself!! Hugs to you all, and kudos to your parents as well.

[Dmommab]

You TRULY have the best interests of ALL the children first and sometimes that makes it VERY difficult for YOU! You are doing a wonderful thing for her - after all, you know your parents will love her and more importantly give her the attention, structure & THERAPY that is so needed for her. It will, as you know, be good for the other girls too so they can "heal". Good Luck to you as you begin this difficult journey. I know it will be hard for EVERYONE but God Bless you ALL for taking care of these precious angels. Remember, we ABSOLUTELY understand your struggles & support you 100%.

[mrsred]

hydrox, I know you well enough that you did not reach this decision without a whole lot of prayer. Now, rest in God's wisdom, He has S in His loving hands and has provided the perfect plan.

[momraine]

Yes, you know it's no co-incidence that your parents were in the position to take her, that they have the resources available and that they were able to meet her and fall in love. They must be awesome parents since they raised you! So I have to agree with Red, God is in this, he is making things work out for you guys.

[skirbo]

Er, ditto pretty much everything. Hugs to your whole family and a reminder that you are blessed to have this solution available to your family. S gets what she needs and remains a family member at the same time.

Also a reminder that you guys *ROCK*. I'm talking to a teen online (from my part time job) who has been SA by a family member. Her mother has washed her hands of the problem and sent her to live with an aunt. I have that from the mother, I'd been trying to point them both in the direction of help. Mom blames all of the problems on the kid and thinks she could have prevented the abuse. Um, mom is actually not speaking to me at the moment either because I gave her my honest opinion about that lol. The aunt has a clue though and is going to be a lot of help to this kid I think. At any rate, my point is that you and your family are just awesome and doing something lots of others wouldn't even attempt.

Sarah

[Again!]

I hate to be the only negative, but having had a similar child you might want to try delaying finalization on S until you are sure your parents can handle her. Being a "glass half full" type, I assumed mine would improve, but instead he worsened as he got older. As one social worker put it, they "don't want those kids back." You might be able to delay finalization on S while you try out this plan, and still have fallback help from the state if it doesn't work out. Just a thought.

[hydroxybutane]

Thank you everyone for your positive ideas and thanks again! for some opposing views It makes me consider things again carefully..

My parents are very positive. They have been active reading online and have been visiting the attachment therapist that S will be seeing in preparation for her arrival. Both my parents have taken training in crisis intervention and know how to use holds safely. They have been preparing their house (locking away sharps, taking lighters, matches, etc.). They have installed alarms, monitors, etc...Some of these things they want S to know...and others not

We have also considered emergency plans...and what happens as she gets older..None of the girls were ever foster kids, we were their emergency guardians and they were later declared wards of the court. It's a little different in Canada. But we are still prepared for it to be a long long time...we are making financial plans for S and her siblings future's...

Also, where my parents live, there are a lot more resources...there is a large children's hospital one hour away and another about 5-6 hours away they also have a pediatric mobile mental health crisis unit in the county my parents live in and what in the states I guess would be an RTC. The pediatric crisis mental health unit would be able to fast track her into a short-term or long term facilty...

There are still two problems we are trying to work out...and maybe people can offer some advice:
1) School: I feel in my heart, it would be wrong to send S to school and put other children at risk. She would require a full-time aide, preferably one with experience and unlikely to be snowed by a blonde haired, blue eyed cutie pie, with a lisp that she can turn on and off!! This year she went to a private school and she spent most of her time in the resource type room and she had a full time aide...

2) Homeschool: My mom was a teacher (before kids) and has the training to teach S. But she is pretty sure it would not be a good idea. My mom knows that she would burn out pretty quickly doing homeschool and that it would definitely become a control battle and that during the day, some away time would be good. Also she wants S to attach to her, and not having academics get in the way.

3) Tutors: I think this is a best option. Have a variety of tutors for various subjects. My mom has already started talking to various people that she knows... She was thinking about scheduling academic time, but allowing for lots of breaks and bonding time..

Any ideas?

Secondly.....respite and respite care aides..
1) Therapeutic respite care: My mom has been talking to some people who say they do therapeutic respite care...what does this mean? what should a weekend in therapeutic respite be like?
2) For children with RAD/attachment issues, is it a good idea to have a primary respite care person? I'm thinking of someone who might come in to the house for babysitting, etc...

[lucyjoy]

School-the less people involved the better so various tutors may not be the way to go. One tutor can teach in a couple hours what a child learns in a week of school.
I home schooled but it is hard and can become a hindrence to attachment if control battles occur.

Respite-true theraputic respite is ordered by a therapist. When I did theraputic respite the child's therapist contacted me and we went over what the child needed.

Nancy Thomas has a respite training video that is useful for parents wanting to train a repite provider to care for their children.

Theraputic type respite homes are set up differently. Respite is NOT suppose to be fun for the kid. It's suppose to do two things-give the parents a break, and teach the child how to behave in a family. The child may do lots of sitting or lots of chores in the respite home, especially if they have restitution to make for breaking things or hurting someone.

Before using any respite provider, ASK lots of questions about how their home is run, how problems are handleds, where the child will sleep etc. Also, sometimes therapists have lists of people the recommend for respite so they might check there as well.

Glad your parents are doing their homework. It will help so much more that they are starting out informed and aware.