[Perfect7]

Our match meeting was Friday. We didn't attend (we weren't invited) but our CW did with potential DS caseworker, adoption supervisor, and foster mother. Our CW called us afterwards and we were in shock. He's in a therapeutic foster home with several teenagers who have severe mental problems. FM said he scares her the worst, tho. She hides the knives and sharp objects and keeps video surveillance on the whole house. She and FD work full-time fostering and nothing else. They have to keep a constant eye on him. They denied a dx of rad, but said he makes daily threats (unspecified and none of which he follows thru on but possibly because of the close supervision). He's in a classroom with 8 kids and 3 teachers and he stabbed another child in the face with a pencil (unknown how long ago or the full circumstances). He's only treated for the ADHD and not the BP. My 7-yr-old has BP so it doesn't scare me a bit, but I know she got violent when they first diagnosed her with ADHD and gave her stimulants instead of a mood stabilizer. Our caseworker said we couldn't even go to the bathroom and take our eyes off him, lock his bedroom door at night (no sexual issues, just the threat of violence). After DH and I recovered (and yes, I cried quite a bit saturday) we quit feeling sorry for our loss and swung into action. We inquired about equine intensive therapy locally and told the owner (a friend) we needed her support. She gave it 100%. He can go there 5x a week for therapy if needed. Called all my friends locally (one who aged out of foster care) and they also agreed to help. We're self-employed and can be here whenever the kids are home from school. Our cw said he also feels no remorse for his actions and doesn't attribute his frequent moves (4 in 3.5 years) to his behavior. He hasn't attached but hasn't remained anywhere very long. They offered the positive in that he's very gifted and great at science and math, and obedient in doing chores at home. Are they trying to scare us into backing out, preparing us for the worst, or what? This isn't the same child I've been hearing about from his cw for the last 2.5 months. I strongly suspect RAD. Can these children ever be reached? How long does it usually take? Are we crazy for even considering it? We've requested full disclosure in writing to look things over more closely, but they haven't even decided that we can handle his issues. Sorry to long, but you ladies (and some gentlemen) have a wealth of info. Any suggestions as to where we go from here? Oh yea, he was also drug and alcohol exposed but tested negative for FAS this year. We've also already checked out door alarms/motion sensors and would have those in place for sure on his room (which he would have his own). No known sexual abuse or documented acting out sexually.

[Bippette]

Honestly, with you having two other children in your home who are younger than he is, I wouldn't consider it. The potential for him to hurt one of them would be very high, and could you ever forgive yourself or him if he did. He sounds like a child who needs to be in a single child home.

There are so many others out there, and its hard to say no. But you cannot help them all. I would wait for another child to come along.

[aMarylandfamily]

Bippette beat me to the punch ...

Having taken a placement of a child similar to this one's needs (not being aware of them until after placement though) and seeing first hand the effect it has on the family and other children in the home, my advice with your family make-up would be to RUN. This child needs to be placed where he is the ONLY child with two parents and a great support system and get 100% attention - where he won't be competing for that 100% attention! ... know this is probably not what you want to hear but ... AND, this placement disrupted when we couldn't protect the other children nor himself from himself which then put us in jeopardy of being charged with neglect ... another long story in itself but something for you to think about.

Best wishes with your decision - whichever way you go - this board, including me with this placement that didn't work, can help with advice, knowledge and most of all shoulders and support - something you will need lots of!

Keep us posted!

[waited2long]

If you had no children living at home, I would applaud your efforts to stick with this child. But, it does sound as if he could be a danger to your children and all of your kids are young enough to be susceptable to a nine year old with the issues you described. His being highly intelligent is actually worse, he'll be smart enough to get around some of your safeguards.

I'm sorry you seemed to be misled about this child, I can see how those first glowing reports can make the reality that much harder. I wish you had been given the true picture right away, before your hearts became involved.

Hugs and good luck.

[missw005]

You have THREE kids younger than he is?
I'm with the others - RUN, don't walk away. There's a reason that social workers usually do birth order placement ONLY (adopting kids younger than your youngest child) - it's not just to maintain family identity, it's also to protect the younger children when and if things go wrong.
And with this kid's history? You can have all the alarms you want, it's not enough.
There are tons of kids out there who need homes and a loving family. But again, I don't believe this is the one for you. And shame on his CW for being dishonest about his true issues. Your CW is right, this is too much - not that you're not great parents, but that in the big picture, this is NOT the match for you.

I'm sorry, but you must put your other children first. Taking this boy will put your entire family in a world of hurt - physical and emotional - that you never imagined.

But don't give up! Just keep looking, your new son or daughter is out there.

,
Sandy

[Indy]

I applaud what you are trying to set up for this child. Many of us have been in your shoes. I completely agree with the others. Mourn your loss and move on. I took in two young men, way out of birth order, and still suffer the trauma they brought to our family. I thought I could "save" them. Now I am struggling to repair the damage to their younger brothers before they turn 18.

Run...don't walk.

[jbee]

we haven't adopted in a situation like this, but we have had a fs with some crazy issues...he was 10, our bios 2 and 3 at the time, along with 2 other fs, 5 &7. it is hard to keep the others safe. ITA with the others. the stress and paranoia of watching out for the little ones is too much, and it affects the other kids.

[rindava]

this is not fair to the kid or the kids already in your home

he needs to be where he cannot hurt other children (RAD or not)

the thing I have found about RAD kids, if sexually acting out is going to hurt you the parent more, then sexually acting out they will do... they seem very good at finding what will upset you the most...

and just living under the police state, it does harm to the already there kids...

just something to think about..

I was also told my son was not sexually reactive or that he had no record of being sexually abused ... but that was not true in the end, a much older foster child was moved from the foster home he was in the longest for perping on the other kids... my son has PTSD from sexual abuse in his birth home, etc...

most training will tell you that about 80% of the kids in foster care have been sexually abused in some way...

you got to think about keeping yourself safe, your other kids safe, and not hurting this little boy more... from the sound of it, he needs to be the only or much younger kid and have his own room and lots of undivided time with a parent.. for a good long time.. and it would be a good idea for him to live somewhere he had no one to hurt, no pets or other kids..

[marythemom]

We adopted out of birth order, our son was undiagnosed RAD and bipolar. He was not abusive to the children and me, but he physcially attacked my husband (son is 5'9" and 200lbs and has been since age 11!). While he wasn't abusive to myself and the kids, he was physically intimidating and violent and destructive in front of them. Our children are very scared of him - even now that his meds have stabilized him. Allegedly no one knew he was sexually abused (it turned up in paperwork at the school), but the caseworkers claimed they'd never seen it.

The child you are considering has not hit puberty yet. Puberty does some scary things to kids who are well medicated (meds stop working and/or have to be adjusted) and issues come up or new issues develop when all those hormones start raging.

I agree with the others. This will probably not turn out well.

[Tudu]

Listen to the FM, she is most concerned for this child! I know when you are in the middle of a match it feels like it is your child, you are so excited about them coming home. You hope to help them become the person they were meant to be, help heal their past, and shower them with love. That is all normal. The danger you would bring to your home by accepting this placement is something you will never forgive yourself for. Imagine he stabs your youngest in the face and they lose thier eye? You have been told there is no sexual abuse but most of us were told that in the begining, check out my blog to see how "unabused" mine were. If they are telling you all of this up front, I wonder what they are leaving out.

There is another child out there for you, do not accept this placement for your children's sake.

[Perfect7]

You are all right, and I thank you. With well-adjusted bio-children it's easy to think of only the good aspects of parenting. I had visions of reaching this child that otherwise may never have a home, the miracle whose life I was able to turn around. If we had no other children, I believe we could. I need to be a hero to these other kiddos first, though. Our caseworker asked us about a 9-year-old with moderate autism who is supposed to be a very kind and gentle soul. It's still out of birth order for chronological age, but maybe a safer bet. We shall see. I really do appreciate the reality checks. You have all seen and dealt with a lot and I would never forgive myself if one of these kiddos was hurt. We can't sacrifice four for one. I'll wait until these guys are much older or completely grown and then I'll put on my red cape and boots. And you are right, I loved the dream. Autism is a whole other ball game....

[Bippette]

Originally Posted by Perfect7

We can't sacrifice four for one. I'll wait until these guys are much older or completely grown and then I'll put on my red cape and boots.

That's exactly what hubby and I plan to do. Wait til our younger four are much older (probably teens or older) and then we'll go back to fostering and take in pre-teen/early teen boys.

We are way experienced parents now (via the hard road) and have alot of offer. But we cannot put in jeopardy the four young ones we have.

[aspenhall]

With Autism, remember to watch for how functional as an adult he can be....will your bio kids resent you for "saddling them" with the responsibility of caring for him when you're gone?

It's an aspect to consider, but easier for your bio kids to handle......Raising the other boy would have sentanced your children to living in a prison like setting...

[waited2long]

I'm glad you are okay with your decision and already considering other children. Good luck, I hope you find a child you can still put on your red cape for, without issues that will adversely affect your other kids.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Having worked with extremely aggressive kids on a locked psychiatric unit, I'd say this kid definitely doesn't sound like he's ready for an a "normal" home placement. Besides the risk to your other children, there's a very high chance you'd have to put him in an out-of-home placement just so to keep others safe. At the very least he'd need a "treatment-level family," and defnitely should not be in a home with other children.