[SAHmom]

I love my children and do not regret adopting them. With that being said, read closely his file and listen to what the fm says about the child's behaviors. Our son came to us from an RTC and I was clueless as to how it would affect our other children. So many years were taken from our other children to handle his needs and the safety issue of the other children should be taken seriously.

I wish you luck in your adoption journey!

[mrsred]

perfect7, it was with great relief that I read your second post. After your initial post I was worried that you would move forward with this placement, dispite the fact that the responses were unanimously against it.
I know, it is heart breaking to see a child that desperately needs a loving home and not be able to answer that tug to step in. But you are right, you have to consider the effects on your other children. Bringing him in where he could possibly harm them could cause him irreprarable damage, as well as your own children,
Hang in there, you will find the right placement if you are patient.

[Perfect7]

We received an update on our potential AS that reported his behaviors as being much longer ago than reported at the match hearing. It was presented as being yesterday, but was actually over a year ago. They said he has made tremendous progress over the last 6 months....we requested everything to be placed in writing. We found a child psychiatrist willing to read the reports with us IF we get them. Call me crazy, but I'd rather see it in black and white. Our eyes were definately opened wide now. I don't know if his agency will even wish to send full disclosure, so the ball is in their court at this point. Our CW says it's still a long shot and she continues to look for a good match for us. Everything is open right now, and we are expecting to hear the worst while hoping for the best. I didn't want to post that until we knew if we'd even be getting full disclosure, but that's where it stands. I'm sure there will be lots of questions to be answered. Thank you ALL so much for your support.

[aspenhall]

That's Great if they were so long ago, but keep in mind, a move and disruption causes backsliding in his behaviors, and he will likely regress upon placement in your family.

If he has gotten better, then he likely will again, but look at his worst behaviors and ask yourself "how long could we deal with them"...if it took 3 years for him to "normalize" then it would likely take at least 1-3 years in your home to get back to the point he is at now if you are as successful in dealing with them as his current placement has been.

[marythemom]

We were told our kids had a rough beginning in foster care, but they had since done almost a 180 (during their 1 1/2 years in foster care). This was probably true, but 180 wasn't even close to "great." And what they considered "acceptable behavior" was in comparison to their old behavior - much improved but still not great.

The hardest part was that the children were NOT in family situations while in foster care (was more like group homes). So when they joined our family we not only had to deal with the rough edges, but also with them dealing with being part of a family. All sorts of issues came out that hadn't surfaced in foster care because no one tried to love them or be a forever family. Our new 13 year old also had RAD.

[lucyjoy]

Was the FM present at the original meeting? Did you talk to her directly? If she says the child is scary, ignore what anyone else says.

[Perfect7]

The foster mother was present for the meeting, but it was all over the telephone due to the distance. We were not allowed to attend this "preliminary staffing" so we didn't hear anything first hand. I personally would have asked many more questions, but we weren't given that opportunity. Our CW said the pencil incident was very recent (as in the last month) when in actuality it over a year ago, before he was placed with the current FM. No major incidents since that time reported. It would be great for us to be able to contact the fm and ask tons of questions ourselves to get definitive answers. Unless his agency decides to proceed to disclosure, we may never get that chance. I'm not saying the child may not have major issues that we should stay away from, but just that I'd like all the facts to be known. They've already been presented a bit skewed. (DH and I are investigators, so factual evidence is very important).

[Lorraine123]

A year ago isn't that long. I was told the same thing - my daughter's behaviors were in the past, that she had not acted out in over 15 months. Huh?

I am very willing to take severely disordered children, however, I don't think I would accept this child. If a year ago, the FM had to hide the knives due to fear for safety, that doesn't just go away. This child is only 9 yo and yet, he is able to scare a therapeutic foster mom. That speaks volumes to me. JMO

[chickymum]

Please take into account what everyone here is telling you. You need to be so very careful.

[sunshinemommy]

Hi

I would err on the side of caution. I have read about many stories where people can get in over their heads quickly....Be sure to consider your younger children's safety and wellbeing, physically and emotionally..

I can honestly say that when we took in our girls, we had no idea what we were doing...and how much our lives would change. I was very naive..

[TxMom65]

I have to agree with everyone's warnings here. My daughter wasn't even adopted out of birth order nor was she violent, and it still was very hard. I can't imagine it with younger children.