[kay]

I was trying to identify how I'm feeling - discouraged? hopeless? clueless? giving up?

C left Sunday night after I went to bed, and didn't come home. I discovered this at 12:30. And didn't answer his phone. I had no idea where he was or who he was with - if I should just wait, or if I should be calling the police and hospitals. He finally sent me a text yesterday at noon telling me he'd be home. He showed up after I went to bed last night. Summer school started yesterday, and of course he didn't go. Don't know if he showed up today - I lack the oomph to make the call to check on him. I want to insist on Job Corps, since with this attitude, he will NOT graduate from high school, but I'm not going to make any plans until after we go to court on Thursday. I'm hoping the judge will put him on formal probation, with the threat of juvie if he doesn't comply - but I have absolutely no faith in our court system helping this kid or supporting me. With my luck, I'll not be surprised if the judge fines ME yet again (this is for C stealing my car, and me pressing charges.)

Despair - I guess that's the word.

[DianeScraps]

Hugs, Kay, that does sound very overwhelming.

Saying a prayer that the judge will do something that will help

Diane

[skirbo]

Kay, take documentation of everything you've tried to do for him with you. When you speak in court, and you should, refer to C as an unruly child and ask for the help of the court. Show the judge how much you've done and the efforts you made. Point out how many times and in what amount you have had to pay for C's problems rather than get help.

If you don't ask to speak to the court, things will go the same as they always have.

Good luck,
Sarah

[aMarylandfamily]

Those are with you and more - understanding as my 16 year old is doing his best to defy authority ... I agree - talk to the courts - put it on record and hopefully they will help.

Keep us posted, cry, vent and yell - we are here for you!

[kay]

Thanks, Skirbo - I have the list almost ready. I worked on it yesterday, but now have to take the emotion out and present them with "just the facts, ma'am" (channeling Joe Friday, here!)

[crick]

((HUGS))

Maybe it would help if you post the list? Or pm it to someone for review? Not to critique, just to help you stay on your "just the facts" path. We are here for you!!

[kay]

It still seems like a lot, but there's stuff I would want the judge to know:

From April through June of 2007, C was in a residential program in Oregon. I placed him there because of repeated truancy, ignoring of curfew and other rules, and drug and alcohol use. The facility lost their license, so he returned before he completed their program.
6/07 court date – Truancy, from before C’s placement in Oregon. Although he was no longer in town to be truant, I was still held responsible for the fine, which I paid. $225

10/07 – Truancy (Daytime loitering) - $215

10/07 – Truancy - $215 (for these two October offenses, C was assigned community service, which he refused to complete. The police officer told me the judge would handle it; the judge sent us back to the police officer. At that point I paid the fines. As a condition for paying the fines, C signed an agreement with me that he would have a job by December and begin repaying me. He still has no job.)

11/07 – Possession of tobacco products. C did not tell me about this ticket, so we missed the court date. Due to this his driving privilege was suspended by the DMV. I have told him he has to handle this one, and as far as I know he’s done nothing.

1/08 – Petty theft – shoplifting. $470.00. I paid the fine, plus an additional $500+ dollars to the store.

2/08 – I was hospitalized and C was alone at home (with adults checking in on him.) He did not go to school while I was gone, and he drove my car. He does not have a learner’s permit or a license, and certainly not my permission.

3/08 – We were to go to my mother’s house for Easter. C did not show up and did not communicate with me. I arranged for him to stay with a friend, and went anyway. He never showed up at the friend’s house, and instead partied all weekend.

3/08 – I was out of town and again had arranged that he would stay with a trusted friend. Again he did not show up, and partied all weekend.

4/08 – C took my keys from my bedroom and stole the car. Though he had done it before, this was the first time that I woke up and found both him and the car gone. I called it in and pressed charges. This is the offense for which we are here today.

5/08 – I have found both empty and full liquor bottles in his bedroom. When I find liquor and cigarettes, I destroy and toss both, and I also throw away his “souvenir” bottles. I have no idea where he is getting either item, if someone is buying for the kids or if they’re stealing it.

6/08 – I got a call at work from the police, telling me that C had been arrested for arson, was being taken to Juvenile Hall, and would go before the judge that Friday. Thursday night I came home to a message from Juvenile Hall saying that C was being released for lack of evidence.

6/15-16/08 – C left the house between 11:00 p.m. and 12:30 a.m. He did not return; he did not answer his phone or respond to text messages. I had no idea who he was with or if he was safe. He did not attend summer school (he needs these credits in order to graduate next year.) He finally sent me a text message at 11:29 a.m., saying “ya mom I’ll be home later”. He came home after I had gone to bed.

Up until about mid-April of this year, C was habitually truant; he missed many more days of school than he attended. He has recently turned that around, and was regularly attending school. (School name)

Because of his being involved when C took my car (numerous times) and partied at our house, I banned his friend S from our house. Both kids saw this as a joke and a challenge. In April I called the police and had S removed from our house (he was sleeping in C’s room) and at that point I was told I cannot have him arrested for trespassing if a resident (C) has invited him to be there. (S was the person who was with C at the time of the arson incident.)

In addition to his current offense, C has huge problems with anger, and has inflicted much property damage to our rented home. I had his room repaired while he was in Oregon; there are again holes in the walls. I just spent over $1,000 to replace the front door, my bedroom door, and my closet door – all damaged in his rages. He has been in therapy and most recently has seen a psychiatrist, Dr. X, but he does not want to address his problems, and has broken the last two appointments I’ve made for him.

[aMarylandfamily]

1) Make sure you take the receipts for any repairs (doors + their installation) with you.

2) Somewhere in there it should be noted of the anger interactions between C and his girlfriend - enough to have neighbors call the authorities - identifying that the need for services for anger management extends beyond the safety he feels in inflicting it on you and how easily it can be provoked (hoping that makes sense).

Again - my heart is with you - this is not easy and many here understand and care!!!

[Barksum]

(((hugs))) and prayers, Kay. Will be thinking of you.

[crick]

I didn't see any "Mama emotion" and saw the facts.

Is it possible for the judge to request the job corps thing? Or for you to ask for that in court?

[rindava]

but I sure have been in your shoes to some degree...

I am at the point (my son is 15 and been here since he was almost 9 and with birth mom until he was 7) that I want to find her and send her the bills... let her live through some of the joy and fun..

my heart goes out to you...

why do you have to pay if he does not go to school?

[waited2long]

I think I would list the damages done to your home. It will give the judge a more accurate picture of repeated destructive behaviour.

Maybe also try to somehow toss in his attitude towards yourself and other authority figures.

I agree his relationship with the girlfriend should be mentioned as well.

I am sooo sorry you have to do this. I hope they listen and do something productive to help.

[momraine]

OK now, please don't take this wrong. I know you are an awesome mom who has tried everything, but I was trying to look at it as a judge would who does not know you like I do.
I think it would help if you also added all the consequences he has had for behaviors. Like the respite, or grounding or turning off the phone or whatnot or loss of priveledges. To someone who does not know the story they might think he has too much freedom and not enough consequences. Expecially if you get a judge who does not have kids who are troubled. I sure had all the answers before I had kids! Now, I don't know anything, especially how to consequence a teen.

[linda512]

I think Lorraine makes a good point. Do you have any pictures of the damage and/or the empty bottles, etc?
Good luck.

[waited2long]

Oooh, MomRaine is right. Including all of the consequences you have given him, plus all of the lessons you have tried to instill in him, then proving how he continues to make bad choices... That's a great idea! It should show just how defiant he is and how resistant he is to being guided in the right directions.