[Jensboys]

My son was adopted at age 4.5 (with his full bio sib age 3) 9 years ago. He is now 13. Attached, no big special needs, straight A kid, highly successful athletically.

Our family "plan" has always been that when the boys asked to go meet their first family we would respect their decision and take them. G is ready and has been asking for the last 10 months or so. E is not and has no desire.

G and I (leaving dad and the other 3 boys at home) are leaving mid-July for a 10 day trip back to Missouri.

We will be meeting bdad in prison. We plan on having 2 or 3 visits with him over the course of our stay (visits are not available every day).

We will be staying with his former foster parents for part of the trip.

We will be travelling to a different city to meet first mom and siblings. I have recently been in computer contact with his 15 year old brother (found him on facebook/myspace). There are 3 younger sisters and several cousins etc.

This is going to be a WHOLE DIFFERENT WORLD for my kiddo and I am looking for some advice, references etc to help prepare him. He has a good head on his shoulders, but I realize that this can throw even the most prepared kid.

Of note, we live in a rural community in Western Canada. Since removal from his first parents home he has had no exposure to inner city life etc. There is going to be a HUGE cultural gap here. Is it best for me to prepare him for how different things are going to be, or to let him experience it without judgement?

Any known resources for preparing a child to meet a birth parent in prison? Not looking to debate this topic. We have a reasonably good relationship as far as contact with this birth parent, he is incarcerated for another 20 years and I want to be able to help my son through this rather than just pretend it doesnt exist.

For anyone who has had a child enter reunion at this age, any suggestions? Supports? Kiddo has several adopted friends, some in contact some in not. He is not interested in online supports.

and from the mom perspective -- any idea for ME as to what I might feel/go through myself?

[lucyjoy]

The big thing I talked to my kids about were their expectations. Is he looking for answers to why they did what they did that landed him where he is? My sons were a bit older and this was the issue for them. They wanted and expected explainations that just weren't going to be there. Their bparents either weren't in a position themselves or had used so many drugs that they couldn't admit or discuss what had happened.

Discussing this in advance helped my kids avoid reactions they may have regretted later.

And if you are on the western side of Mo, I recommend visiting your friend Lucy.

[momraine]

My only advice is that since you will probably be focusing on kiddo during the trip, listening to him, answering hard questions to the best of your ability or having to say you don't know, or whatnot, you will not likely have time to process stuff for yourself. Plan some time after the trip for that. Whether it's a real life friend or dh or us or someone, you will need someone to talk to. Allow yourself that time to process this stuff and maybe to greive for the hard stuff your kid has been through and is going to go through.

[Jensboys]

Thanks to both of you.

Lucy - St Louis and Jefferson City. PM me

[aspenhall]

I was gonna suggest discussing his expectations with him, get it all out there, and make any adjustments that need to be made, explain that even bio siblings can have vastly different cultures they live in....and he doesn't need to feel guilty for not fitting into any culture, he is entirely free to decide what he's comfortable with and make it his own.