[momraine]

This week the older boys are off with dh on a driving trip, dd is at a camp for handicapped kids, and sis and her girls moved out so it's just me and M. M is going to the camp P is at in two weeks. They were both supposed to go then, but P has church camp that week. So we moved her. We could not move M becuase he is the poster child and they are doing some photo stuff of him that week and the national officers will be there to meet him. Ok a little background. Last year we went to an amputee convention and a girl missing the same limbs as M taught him how to swim, but it took a lot of practice. While he was learning and practicing, I had to follow him back and forth in the pool and snatch him out of the water as soon as he started to get into trouble. I spent a lot of last summer doing this. When dh tried or one of the older boys, they would get bored or distracted and not pay attention. He learned this pretty quickly. Because he does not eat and is so tiny, he can't hold his breath for long. He also gets very cold in the pool. Anyway, he soon learned that I was the only person he could trust to keep him safe in the pool. This meant he was starting to trust me. I took that as a good sign. Then we had ups and downs all year. Then he started falling back on old habits as the year came to an end. (school ending, aunt and cousins moving out, dh and older boys leaving on a trip, dd going to camp, lots happening in one week) When we dropped dd off at camp, all the counselors remembered M. He is quite the charmer and very cute, and cause he is so tiny people are amazed when he talks like an 8 year old because he looks about four. Anyway, they all fawned all over him and he ate it up and gave them all hugs. (He never hugs me unless he wants something) he did not remember any of them, but then he would say, oh yeah I remember you. (he even said it to a new one he had never met before) Anyway, I still hoped that at maybe he really did remember some of them. (he does not remember faces or names, unless he is with the person every single day, is this normal with RAD?) On the way home we stopped and got him a new bathing suit because his old one was falling off. We looked in the boys section and then headed for the baby section. He was very upset by this. I told him I bought all of his clothes in that section. We bought him a bathing suit size 18 months and some pants and they all fit perfectly. So we talk about this and he says he is going to start eating because he does not want to wear baby clothes. Well, he heads to bed saying he is really tired when we get home. This is actually to avoid eating dinner, but I let him go. The next day he ate a good breakfast and did not throw up. (he usually doesn't if we have no where to go, it's a better tactic when he can use it to make us late somewhere) Then we swam all day. He had forgotten everything from last year, but I worked with him all day. By the evening he was really excited and had done very well. He also got to play video games without having to share with any other kids. Then at bedtime he asks if he can sleep with me. I got all excited, thinking he is really starting to bond with me, finally. But then I did it. I shouldn't have but I did. I asked him why he wanted to sleep with me. He told me that he did because dd always wants to when dh is gone and he thought it would make her mad if he did it. He told me he really did not want to sleep in my bed, but he wanted to make her mad and thought that would do it. I had to tell him no because he flops in his sleep and our bed is high. He sleeps in a toddler bed with sides and still manages to fall out of it at least once a week. My bed is very high cause it has a dresser under it. I did offer extra cuddle time and maybe watching a movie together in my bed. He said no, that would not make his sister mad. I know it sounds silly, but I got my hopes up when he asked only to have them dashed. It's such a little thing. Today he was back to his old ways, lying, hiding food, refusing to eat, etc. It just makes the pain of having gotten my hopes up hurt a little more. Now he is mad at me because after he lied to me several times, I am telling him that I know he lied to me about wanting to go swim this afternoon or play video games. I told him since I know he lies all the time that he must be lying when he begs to do those two things. So he is having a fit yelling about why he did not lie about those two things. of course he is doing this all while sitting at the table, becuause an hour ago I found where he hid his lunch and sat him down to finish eating it and he is sitting there staring at it. Lucky for me he is a bad liar, at least to me, he is convincing to strangers, but I can always tell. his voice changes. Guess I just needed to vent to people who understand. Everyone here thinks he is the most amazing and wonderful kid. He is, but he can also be a little stinker and he is still not attached.

[lucyjoy]

Ouch! It hurts even when we know it's not us. I'm so sorry. Keep reminding yourself that all the things you do with him will make a difference at some point-really, they will. Keep repeating-2 weeks and he'll be at camp-that might help you stay sane.

[momraine]

Thanks, it's helps to know it's not me. I felt so guilty when I realized the way the summer was shaping up that I would have one week alone with him, and one week alone with my oldest. The week with my oldest will be kind of nice, he is very self sufficiant now and it will be the week after VBS so I will be recovering from that craziness. I was not excited about this week alone with M though. I wanted to plan fun things, but I knew he would sabotage it, and with his behavior today we can't do anything fun. I had really been hoping for time with my daughter this summer. My freind who teaches at the school said she had four nine year olds start thier periods last year! Yikes, P is going to be nine in August. I don't have a clue whether her mother was an early or late bloomer. She is just starting to get the Bumblebee bites as my mom called them on her chest. She is very self concious. We have had some talks, but it would have been nice to have that week with her making sure she is ready. I can't beleive that some girls are starting so early.
I do think that week with just my oldest will be restful. He is a good kid and at fifteen he will just want to sleep in and watch tv and play vidio games. So I will use that week to rest too. It's my only week away from M this summer. The other camp he will go to is one I go with him to. The other kids have more stuff this summer, mission trips and church camps, but those are not set up to deal with a kid in a wheelchair, especially one who doesn't eat and still weighs 25lbs.

[lucyjoy]

Aw, you can still have fun. If he wants to join in, fine, if not, fine. Eat stuff you like and if he eats, okay, if not then try the next meal.

We use to do "forced fun" with our sabatogers. We did fun stuff with them in tow and if they enjoyed it, great, if not, oh well. Granted, it was sometimes not really fun for us but, I think it did have an impact on them later on.

Or, you could just rest or read a good book while he sits at the table or whatever it is you decide he needs to do.

We can't fix our kids so sometimes we just have to make do. Hope you get to enjoy your time with your other kids.

[momraine]

Ok so Tuesday M continued to be difficult. Now, granted, there has been a lot of change. Last Friday there were 9 people living in the house, six kids and three adults. By sunday it was down to just him and me. By saturday dd will be back and a week later dh and the older boys, sis and her girls hopefully will not be moving back in.

Ok so anyway, at lunch time I catch him sneaking off to hide food. (he often takes forever to eat, so we tend to go about our business leaving him at the table) Well, then I found pretty much all of his food for the past several days. We weighed and he has been loosing weight again. OK so we go back to the old rules. He cannot eat unsupervised and no trips to the bathroom during or right after a meal. So he is sitting right in front of me and tries to stuff food in his pants. OK so we move to the next level. I go out to the garage and get the high chair. Clean it up and put him in it with a half of a PB sandwhich and a boost drink. I put the high chair on tile floor, away from all other furniture and where I can see it from the computer in the loft.

The last time we had this showdown he lasted till 2AM so I was ready. The good part was I got some late night chatting in. He did try to put it in his pants a few times, begged to go to the bathroom - bouncing up and down and insisting he was about to wet his pants, but changed his mind when I said I would go with him, suddenly he didn't have to go anymore, but he did throw up on the tray. So I did what the therapists told me and just got him another sandwhich and drink. I am also supposed to leave him in the mess, but I rinse the tray off because otherwise he pours his drink into it and it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between the mess and the shake. The tray has an indention for a shake and he tried pouring the shake into it and putting the cup back on top of it. It makes me wonder, because he does so well in school and he is so smart sometimes, why he does not remember that this never works, the cup makes the indention overflow so it does not hide the drink poured underneath. I also can see when he pours it on the floor and the seat has holes in it so that doesn't work either.

Anyway, he also tried screaming and crying and telling me he was tired and had to go to bed and it was against the law for me to keep him up. He tried breaking the sandwhich into small peices and then smashing it into a ball (to be fair the smashing it did work on his aid a couple of times, he would convince her he had eaten part of it, when he had not had a single bite) He also tried faking sleep in the chair. He threw up a total of 12 times. He informed me that in Poland if he threw up he went to bed and so I had to put him in bed. I perservered and finally just after five he said OK and drank a shake and ate with out a problem. We showered him off and he cleaned up the mess on the floor and he was in bed by 6:30AM. I re-cleaned the floor, cleaned the high chair and put the clothes in the wash and got to bed by 7. He slept till 5PM and then got up and ate willingly with me watching, played video games while he snacked. I told him games needed fuel and as soon as he stopped eating the game would go off. By midnight he did not want to snack anymore so he went to bed. In that time he ate one candy bar and two cherry tomatos and a small peach. Today he is doing better. He seems to be fine now and is acting normal. Just like after the last showdown. Last time he was good for months after our big showdown. I hope that is the case this time, I am getting too old for all nighters. Honestly though he picked a great time to try it. No school, no place to be, no other kids to worry about, no one he could wake up with his middle of the night screaming. Now I am just trying to catch up on sleep and stuff, since I now have to moniter his eating carefully.

[missw005]

Yikes, Raine, you've got some perseverance, girl!!!
I've dealt with J's eating issues, which thankfully have decreased over time - mostly now it's just hiding food, so he's never unsupervised when he has any. He only puked it up a couple times, mostly he used to just pack it between his gums/cheeks and would refuse to swallow it for hours at a time.
But I've got NOTHING on you! Wow!!!
I admire your tenacity with this kid. Most parents would have given up and sent him to bed. It's a tough road, and I'm impressed that you were able to not only stick it out, but calmly and logically too.
It must drive him nuts!
And like you said - the timing was great, so this week of you and him alone was meant to be! And now that he's had a major showdown, hopefully he'll settle down for the rest of the summer.
to you, Raine - but , too, you did it!!!! You !!!!!!!!!

Sandy

[aspenhall]

Yeah, I am always surprised when a showdown happens, but greatful too as it indicates the end of the battles that led up to it and gives me a chance to prove she won't win...

Good for you! Now every time he resists, ask him if "we need to stay up all night again"

[waited2long]

Good going! I will hope with you that you get a "good boy" for awhile after this major battle!

[crick]

okay, when you said you won the battle, I had no clue you meant World War 3,4,5 & 6! Holy COW! That earns you a 2 week stay at a 5 star resort, a new car, and a lifetime maid just for throw up.

I know this isn't the bonding week you hoped for and guess in some odd way he needed to test you for the week to double check mom is going to be there in all the ways you say you are. Whew!

Here's hoping the rest of the week isn't as challenging!

[TxMom65]

I just wonder if any of it is sinking into his brain how much you have to love him to do this.

[athikers]

Oh little pukers... aren't they fun It is so frustrating when they so desperately need the calories and yet they still refuse to eat or worse (to me) they do eat and then knowingly puke it up. I could not last until 6:30AM, don't you just have the patience of a SAINT!

Nice work.

[aspenhall]

ok, what if he asked to sleep with you because he wanted to.....but then you asked why and he couldn't admit he was bonding, so he said the "sister mad" bit, then it triggered anger that you're getting to him, which led to this battle....

I wouldn't have questioned it and made him admit why he wanted to sleep with you...perhaps he feels he needs a reason other than liking you...?