[missw005]

I am sitting here, crying.

I didn't tell many people about our match meeting today. I mentioned it in my post earlier this week, I know I shouldn't have.
I am sooooo leery of sharing my news as I'm afraid I'll jinx it. ANd I jinxed it.
Then I jinxed it more by buying baby boy clothes at a garage sale last Friday after school with a friend of mine. Told her I was buying them for future foster kids (I'm also a fp), but it was not true, I was really hoping it would be for my own future baby boy.
But NO.
I was one of 3 families being considered, and I was the 3rd choice.
I am so sick and tired of not being chosen, but being in the top 3 families! It's just not fair!!!!!
(crying really hard now, hope this makes sense)
This one was a surprise, I hadn't applied for him directly, but had a homestudy on file with his county. He was never put on the photolistings, and I was thrilled, because there would be less families in competition for him and I thought I'd have a fighting chance.
But NO.
He was a 5 mo. old baby AA boy.
He was my dream.
There aren't many babies available in the waiting child/special needs adoption from foster care.
I thought this was MY chance.
I thought I would finally have a baby!!!!!!!
But no! No. No. NO. NO!!!!!
Why aren't I being chosen? Why????
I have waited three years, THREE YEARS!!! And when this situation came up, I thought, this is why this has taken so long. This is why! Because I'll finally have my baby.
My baby who will call ME mama first. My baby I will feed in a highchair. My baby I will watch take his first steps.
My baby.
But NO!!!!!
(crying really hard now)
I am sooooooooooooo heartbroken. I can't believe I wasn't chosen again. I thought for sure it would be this time. I was thinking up names! I thought I could finally name one of my kids, the boys were too old when I got them to rename them.
I don't understand.
I just don't understand.
I'm a good person. I make mistakes, I'm not always the best parent, but I stick with my kids when no one else will.
I thought for sure this would be my baby!!!
Why, why, why, why, why?????????
I can't afford infant fees at an agency. This was my only chance.
I can't believe I wasn't chosen again.
And I have no one to talk to except you all because my friends are sick of hearing about it. Sick of me being not chosen and me being heartbroken about it. I rarely even tell them anymore when I have a possibility or a match meeting.
I feel so alone.

I can't believe my dream is gone.

Sandy

[waited2long]

Missw005...
Oh no, I am terribly, terribly sorry this happened to you again.
I never made it far enough into the adoption process to know how you feel, not being chosen. But I imagine it must be one of the worst things that can happen.
All I can say is, hug your boys and try to aim your heart towards the next child. There are so many out there and more come into the system every day.
I know it doesn't help, but I'm sure if you keep looking, you will find your baby.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

I'm crying now too... Again, I'm sorry.

[Lylac]

Aww Big hugs!! Your dream isn't over yet!! It hurts like crap when your heart tells you that this IS your child, then a cw tells you it isn't.

I know you've heard it all before, but I'm a firm believer in the "things happen for a reason" and the "your child will find you" kind of thinking. We all have the kids that we are meant to have. You WILL get your baby and be able to do everything that you wanted to do. You've got to keep believeing that.

And I know right now it doesn't feel that way. It's ok to be angry and sad, and also mourn the loss of this child. Just don't shut your heart down..don't give up, and I promise one day when your holding your baby, you'll think back to the hard road it took to get them home with you..and you'll treasure them even more.

Keep the dream alive..I know I am for you

[AmyAnne]

MissW005....

BIG HUGS. I am so sorry this happened. I wish I knew the "Why's". I know you are a strong, loving person who any child would be proud to call "Mom".

Let's TP the match committee people's houses!

Again BIG HUGS

[chelspark1]

I, too, am so sorry you are going through this.
My mother has always told me that God does things for a reason. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's the right thing at the time but in the long run we see that it is.
I know that doesn't help how you are feeling right now but I will keep you in my prayers. You are a wonderful mother - your baby is out there.

[aMarylandfamily]

No words could help at this point in time ... just know many of us have been in the shoes you are wearing today and understand and care ...

[athikers]

Oh What can I say... I'm so sorry. It is impossible not to dream when you get that call as a foster parent or a match as an adoptive parent and it makes the loss hard to take. Hugs!

[momraine]

No words, just (((((((((hugs)))))))))

[lucyjoy]

I'm so sorry. It just isn't fair, is it?

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

I'm so sorry. It just isn't fair, is it?

I so agree....we've been in this situation a bunch of times and it's heartbreaking.


Fran

[SAHmom]

I am so sorry!

[Barksum]

(((hugs))) and more (((hugs)))

[skirbo]

I'm sorry this happened. You've got so much going on in your life right now, I'm sure this feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. Hang in there and try to remember the positives: you've listed your house for sale; you've stood up to your father; your mother isn't causing you grief; you'll be moving to a new city soon; your sons are doing well.

You've got a lot of good in your life right now and I know it's hard to see that, but it can also help get you through.

Hugs,
Sarah

[Lorraine123]

I remember that being such a heart breaking experience. We went to committee numerous times and weren't chosen. I feel your pain.

[missw005]

Thanks for all your support and hugs.............. I'm feeling more on the normal side today.
Of course, it took some MAJOR acting out by J, my 9 yr old, to revert me back to reality. Yesterday morning at daycare he was actually lying on the floor, kicking and screaming like a 2 yr old! Screaming how he hates me, and how I should Leave Him Alone!!!
At first, I got caught up in it, and then stepped back, looked at him having a toddler tantrum and almost laughed.
I was pretty crabby the last couple days, though. Everyone at work noticed, even the lunch ladies in the cafeteria! (I work at a school) My students did too, and they know I've been waiting to hear on more kids. So it was nice to have their support.
As for my friends, one still hasn't called me and sent me this short email saying she always has time for me - but still hasn't called? Shaking my head at that one.
My best friend sent this email about how I need to be grateful for the 2 kids I have (who said I'm not? Though I'm not sure I'm grateful about J this week... ) and move on. I pointed out that if I was trying to have another baby, she would never say that. And that I've always supported her in whatever she wanted in life, because that's what friends do - support you, regardless. She replied that she just doesn't like to see me hurt, and part of me believes that.
But like we've all said, people who aren't in the adoption world just don't really get the big picture. So I'm leaving it at that.
That said, I sooooooooooooooooo appreciate everybody's support here! I know I wasn't talking, but I was listening (reading), and it really helped, in more ways than you know.
Thanks, girls, for that.

So where am I at?
Well.......my agency will NOT renew my homestudy. I still have homestudies out on one or two more kids that have match meetings in the next month, and the agency is honoring those, but that's it.
Since we're (hopefully) moving soon (sell, house! Sell! ), I'll be signing up with either a new agency or the county we're moving to. It's looking like the county we're moving to since that's free, and I've been told by several people that they're desperate for fos-adopt homes.
So...............I just have to accept that there's nothing much I can do right now. Like I said, I have another match meeting for a 2 yr old sometime in the next few weeks. And I think there's another one for someone else, too - I'm not sure and my worker sucks. Did I say that? I mean, she doesn't know either.

I'm just trying to focus on other things - selling the house so we can move on with our lives, and dealing with J's increasingly out of control, nasty behavior. I do NOT like my kid right now. I do NOT like my kid right now. I do NOT like my kid right now.
He has been grounded all week, and lost this weekend, too - no tv, dessert, staying up later, etc.
I would love to say the stress of being/dealing with him is making me lose weight, but it's quite the opposite.
You know...........why isn't that true? You'd think if God gave us these difficult kids to deal with, you'd think he'd at least give us the benefit of it making us lose weight instead of gain it.
Just a thought.

Again, though, thanks for all your support. It means more to me than you know.

Sandy