[reapingjoy]

Hi everyone,

I thought maybe this would be the best place to post this question since it is in regards to special needs.

Our daughter M was placed with us for adoption almost 3 months ago & at her presentation we were told she was completely healthy, no developmental issues, no therapy needed, etc. They even "warned" us not to ask for very much in subsidy because she would not be needing any extra medical care or anything.

Sadly, this is so far from the truth it's sometimes hard for me to believe. We had filled out our Child Characteristic Checklist with the special needs we felt we could handle (because one of our other children has special needs, too) & now we have to update our homestudy as it expires in a couple of weeks & we are filling out the form again...well, we have had to change numerous answers from No to Yes because our new daughter actually has these conditions or the potential for it (some stuff we won't know until after her specialist appt. at the end of May). We can't finalize the adoption until Sept. so she is technically here as a pre-adoptive placement, but we did sign papers before she came saying we saw this as permanent (of course, at that point, we were only dealing with transition issues & not any of the medical/psychological/cognitive stuff yet).

Has anyone had to disrupt a placement because of special needs that were not disclosed, or even SN that were disclosed that turned out to be too much to handle? And if you did disrupt, was that the end of your ability to adopt?

I don't expect my kids to come with no issues, but there were reasons that we said no to certain conditions because of our family size, jobs, the SN of our son, etc. I am feeling very overwhelmed right now with her care & many appts. and I know that is also hurting our bonding/attachment, but I am seeing signs of stuff that I think are only going to get worse with time & not better.

[lucyjoy]

If you don't feel this is a workable match, now is the time to say so. And no, it does NOT mean you can't ever adopt. Agencies often lie to get kids placed and other times, they are just not truely aware of what all the issues are. Either way, if the child's needs are not something you feel you can deal with long term, it is best to say so now and let them find a family that is a better fit for her needs.

[Barksum]

I think I can safely say that MANY adoptive parents find that their children have undisclosed special needs. Sometimes this is more than the family can handle, other times the family is able to find (often through flame and fire!) resources to help maintain the placement.

Some agencies/caseworkers do lie. Other times the foster families don't mention/see various issues, medical/mental health professionals misdiagnose, or miss altogether, problematic issues that should be obvious. Sometimes cw's edit the child's file. (Like the cw who removed the dx of FAS from a child's file because the cw didn't believe it fit ) Sometimes documentation is missing or mistranslated.

In our case we adopted a child with 'no known issues'. In hind sight we should have been able to read between the lines and not rely on the verbal statements by the cw's involved. First 9 months of neglect, drug addicted mom who was supposed to have been clean during the pregnancy, foster care and then a failed reunification attempt, return to foster care...boy, were we naive! LOL So our adopted child did indeed turn out to have special needs of a magnitude that pretty much blind-sided us. We've coped and are doing well now, but the first 2-3 years were very difficult. (VERY difficult.)

I'd suggest a sit down appt. with your adoption worker and be frank about your concerns and why. You might write down the concerns and questions you have so you don't get sidetracked during the meeting. Find out what kinds of support and resources are available, if any, and if there is a way to get the help you need. If there are no resources (financial, therapeutic) available for your family you may need to explore the option of disrupting the placement in order for your Dd to get the support and help she needs.

I'd encourage you to research to the best of your ability what your options are (which I'm sure you are doing) and discuss this with your adoption cw and any medical/mental health professionals who work with your Dd. Sometimes professionals don't offer information without being asked directly and specifically. It surprises me how the parents have to know the right questions and phrasing in order to get answers that are helpful for the situation. It also still surprises me that there are sometimes no resources for those families most in need.

[athikers]

We are in a very similiar situation. When we completed our homestudy we listed which issues we would accept and why or why not. Teeter, who has been with us 9 months now has many of the issues we said would not make him a good match for our family. That said, he IS a good match for our family in his personality, his like and dislikes, etc, but NOT his medical needs and you can't separate his medical needs from him. He is only a foster child at this time, but we were asked to consider permanency. We said yes and then after many months of sickies, we said no. We are still a "no" right now, but we are working hard to help him overcome some of his issues and we hope that either he will be able to stay or he will be that much healthier for when he moves on to his adoptive home.

We tried to make it work for many months and after that many months our reasons for choosing not to be a permanency option are the exact same reasons we put on our homestudy regarding why we would not take children with his medical conditions!

All this said, we love our little boy and we will regardless of whether he's always with us or not.

[mrsred]

A few years ago, after our now adopted son had some to us, but before his adoption was finalized we accepted placement of a 7 year old girl. Although we had specifically said No FAS, No RAD and No sexual abuse, once she was in our home we discovered that she had all three of these working against her. We took her in as an emergency placement, so we did not receive her paperwork until she had been with us for a couple weeks. By that time, through our observation, and the opinion of our sons very capable therapist we were already working under the assumption that she had all three. The paperwork confirmed this. Due to our sons special needs there was no way we could also take on the needs of this little one, so we had to ask to have her moved.
Seven months later we were placed with our now adopted daughter. Although she also has special needs they are not as severe, and do not conflict with E's needs.
Last August we took placement of yet another little girl. The case worker greatly minimized her needs. We tried for 10 months to make this work, but have finally faced the fact the her needs and E's needs are just not compatable. Her caseworkers are trying to find a new placement for her, one that will hopefully be her last. We have agreed to keep her here with us until that family has been identified and we have had a smooth transition. This has not been easy, but it is everyone's best interest.
Would we ever be considered for another placement after having two disrupt? I don't know, but I think it is a mute point as we are done.

[lovemy6]

I always tell fp's who are new to not always take as word what the sw's tell us. Their job is to place the kids. We specifically said NO FAE/S and NO RAD. Out of the two dozen kids we've had, guess what? Most have had FAE/S and at least some AD. Our four youngest have all gone through attachment therapy and my youngest son, I'm sure, has had prenatal alcohol exposure. I now tell fp's to almost expect that most of their kids will have alcohol exposure and attachment issues. It's so hard when things don't work as we had hoped.

[reapingjoy]

Thank you all so much for your honest answers. My dh & I will be talking it through to see if we really feel that we can meet her needs now & in the future. It's just so confusing & we feel so guilt-ridden because we never expected any of this & also because she already has attachment issues & another move would be so detrimental, but yet, a lifetime where we were not able to meet her needs in an excellent way would not be helpful either.

[aspenhall]

Keep in mind that I've never had any challange so hard or seen behavioral issues so hard to deal with, as I have seen in kids with attachment issues ages 2-5 yrs old.

The 3-4 years are already the hardest to deal with behaviorally in a "normal" kid (I've heard)..and it's the age to find boundaries and push your buttons....and you magnify that stress with the attachment issues and it's like the worst nightmare version of a 3 yr old you can imagine...even hollywood couldn't come up with this stuff...

The good news is she won't be 3,4,5 forever and if you can see ANY progress even a little, I'd say there's hope for her to heal at least partially.

My dd was the AD 3 yr old when she came to us....loads of anger that she just had no clue how to handle. Right now (this month) at age 7, she's the most delightful, well behaved child you've ever seen...but when she regresses (it happens) MAN does she have some doozy of a meltdown complete with behaviors we don't see for months on end.

The good news is, if you're consistant in your boundaries (think drill sargent) she'll quit testing as much and you can start to focus on the attachment building stuff. You've just gotta prove you're tougher and smarter than her....then she'll feel safe enough trusting you.