[aspenhall]

So this Dear Margo letter and her response kinda chaps my hide....being that it's nearly EXACTLY my adoption situation...and she really gave her some uninformed advice in my opinion...

When You Think You've Heard Everything - Yahoo! News

[lucyjoy]

I don't know, I don't think the advice was that bad. This is her first born child and she raised him 7 years. I can't imagine how he would feel losing his mother at this time in his life. And if mom can't raise him, a grandmother the child knows may be the best option. And, maybe if grandma kept him a short while, mom could get a break and be better able to cope and parent him later.

What about her advice bothers you so much?

[waited2long]

I don't know how this mirrors your life, but looking at it from my viewpoint, it seemed the only advice to give. Especially since you are correct, this "Dear Margo" was uninformed, all she knew about the situation was one letter. With so little information, the advice was bound to be pretty generic.

I agree with LucyJoy, I think it was basically sound advice.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I, too, am confused like the other two posters. People cannot just give their children away to make their lives (or marriages) easier. The man from the previous marriage is not mentioned in the letter although it did state the new husband had not adopted the boy. What about the child's paternal family members? There are so many more options but Dear Margo has no info to go on. Also, I know of no DCFS office that would allow a person to just drop off their child without utilizing all services.....with the first one out of their mouths being FAMILY THERAPY. So the letter writer and Dear Margo were both correct in thinking that should be the first step in dealing with the problem.

What about the letter and reply chaps your hide?

Kim

[MamaS]

I also thought it was good advice. Keep the child with his bio-family, get mom some help to reduce stress and get the family some therapy. If step-father is the problem, well, the son was there first!

[mrsred]

Yeah, sounds to me like it is the mom that needs help. I cannot, cannot, cannot imagine wanting to have my child removed that I had raised from birth to seven years. I think this woman needs serious help herself!

[BrandyHagz]

I think what Aspen is talking about is the situation (bmom married again, went on to have other children, the oldest was the 'troublemaker', so bmom decided to place her for adoption) is close to home. That is her daughters story in a nutshell (I hope I remember it fairly correctly).

Anyway, what struck me is the very first sentence of Margo's post. "I don't think you can give children away, and I've never heard of such a thing for the reasons you describe -- and a 7-year-old, yet." - You'd think, being a professional in her field, she could do some basic research and give actual information - rather than reassuring the writer with this false information.

Margo's Cred = out the window for me.

I'd never even heard of her...so...no loss.

[marythemom]

I know that in the state of Nebraska they do allow you to toss your children into foster care as this is what happened to my two. Biomom was put in foster care when she was 14 because she was out of control. She aged out of the system.

When my son was 11 she dumped him into foster care because he was "out of control." About 6 months later she did the same to my daughter. She still has 2 children and one on the way.

I hope Grandma can get custody, unless she's one of the reasons the bioparent turned out the way she did.

It's so frustrating when we see uninformed advice being taken as gospel. I will pray for this little one.

Mary
mom to T(9) and K(almost 12)
adopted from foster care H(13) - 3/27/08
adopting her brother D(almost 15) this summer.
"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart."
- Caryn Leschen -

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I think what Aspen is talking about is the situation (bmom married again, went on to have other children, the oldest was the 'troublemaker', so bmom decided to place her for adoption) is close to home. That is her daughters story in a nutshell (I hope I remember it fairly correctly).

We had a situation in our neighborhood just like this. Second husband didn't like first husband's child (and they have other children now), treated him poorly, so child went to live with birthmom's parents. This child has been a mess....serious attachment issues - treats the grandparents with total disrespect, gets in trouble in school all the time. He asked our son one time when we first moved here (R was 13, this child was 12) if R would play the girl and they could have sex! When school got out last week he went back to live with the parents - evidently the grandparents had finally had enough. The grandparents bought him everything under the sun and didn't want to be strict with him. He would have been around 10 - 11 when he went to live with the grandparents.

Fran

[momraine]

I know a mother like this. Some of you remember the baby I watched last year. That baby was born in prison. She was her moms third child. Son number one, mom signed away her rights and gave him to his fathers parents. As far as I know they are doing OK with him. I don't see him much at all. He comes to visit the other grandparent here fairly often. Son number two was with maternal grandmother while mom was in prison, when she got out she took him for a couple of weeks along with baby girl but soon returned him to her mom saying he was to much trouble. Now she has a fourth child from a fourth father. Her mother has her son who is now five. He is pretty messed up. Grandpa has cancer and may not make it. He wants me to take the child. However grandma is in denial and thinks mom will straighten out. I just don't understand these parents who don't want to take care of thier kids. I figure it's ony a matter of time before this girl gives up her two remaining kids. Grandma is also raising two other grandchildren whose mom is still in prison. It's just so sad fo the kids. I don't know the right answers though.

[aspenhall]

It chaps my hide because the most damage my child sustained was being dropped off at the grandma's house for months while the bmom dissappeared......then showed up again engaged, got married, got pregnant...then decided she still couldn't handle her and contacted us.

It was that trip to grandma's house and back to mom again that has messed my dd up the most in regards to attachment. And my dd was 2-3 at the time and can remember it all. Thats where her anger came from...so her adoption to us counted as the 2nd abandonment in her mind...and proves that "moms leave their kids" and she keeps waiting for me to do the same....

IF she had just placed her for adoption in the beginning, my dd would have had far less rage, and grief and insecurity.

Plus, a child knows when it is unwanted, or a burden....nothing about keeping the family together addresses that concern...and the child gets stuck in limbo. At least in my dd situation, the adoption gave her a set of parents who wanted her....it gave her a mom and dad who love and take care of her on a day to day basis....how bad does it suck to have only one mom and dad, and they don't want you around so you live with g-ma?....In our case, having us, sort of helps cancel out the rejection my dd feels from her first parents.

Yes, there is still grief and loss, but but she now has 2 sets of parents, and she may have been rejected by one set, but she is cherished by the other....in the grandma temp living situation, he would only have one set of parents, and they reject him....he has no altenative parents to feel love and acceptance from, and as caring as grandparents are, they just aren't your parents.

I think in this situation, the mom has made it clear she doesn't want the job of parenting the child any more, nor is she likely to get any therapy (which the child needs at the very least)...and in that case I think Private adoption is a very acceptable alternative, definately better than sticking the kid in limbo until the parents can figure their life out....

Instead, Margo basically encouraged the grandma to tell the mom to stick it out, when it seemed clear that she was disconnected from the kid already.....and why should foster care even be an option? Why wasn't direct placement with an adoptive family even considered?

I just was perturbed that there is an answer that could be acceptable to all involved, that was never even suggested, when it could mean the world to this little boy, and a waiting family, and a bio-fam kept in the picture.....like it seriously is the best adoptive situation ever in my opinion. The first mom gets to stay involved in her kid's life, as does the grandma and gets to stay the grandma, the kid gets his needs met, and the afam gets to be parents. The first mom had a good run at parenting this child and decided it wasn't for her....she isn't a scared teen with no idea of what parenting is like, being coerced into adoption....it avoids that aspect of grief and loss on her end.

In my situation, I feel zero threat from bmom, because if she wanted to be a parent she would have stuck it out and not placed with us. I know bmom truly is happy with the adoption, because all other avenues were explored and tried. We have a good relationship and there's no co-parenting issues, it makes open adoption WAY easier when the first family can categorically state without any doubt in their mind, that they definately no longer wish to parent the child. It frees the child to move on, it frees them to move on, and it relaxes in a way the aparents potential fears.

Probably I'm biased, but I see my situation as fairly ideal and the healthiest route for all involved....so it stuns me to hear of another scenario like mine when the healthiest route isn't even brought up to be considered....when in that instance I feel it's the best way.

I was also RAISED by someone who loved having babies, but didn't care for children much...I was raised feeling like a burden to my mother (I was seriously the perfect child).....I was raised with the flip side of adoption not being a possibility, and I grew up wishing I was adopted somehow....and knowing I wasn't really loved or wanted by my mom, once I passed babyhood and became an older child....all my 6 other siblings felt the same way and are all suffering now emotionally becasue of it...

So I know both side intimately....And once the mom has "checked out" and disconnected, she's pretty much made her choice....therapy won't help too much if she doesn't want to be helped....It's a very accurate description of my mother...and it tool me a lifetime to figure out that unless someone wants to be helped, giving help won't matter one little bit...

[waited2long]

Aaaaah, so you object because you think Grandma might be a temporary situation. I was thinking of it as permanent, as in, the child would live with Grandma into adulthood. I completely agree that being moved about would not be good.

[aspenhall]

Even permanently I take some issue, because then he still doesn't have a mom and a dad...and open adoption wouldn't mean losing grandparents....just adding a new mom/dad....

And most grandparents I know who've tried raising their grandkids permanently, it didn't work out so well...because the kid either misses out on a grandparent, or set of parents, and Every kid I know in that situation is resentful or out of sorts for growing up that way....

I don't see a grandparent raising a child as a great option...especially with open adoption available...if there was no other way to stay in the kid's life, then yeah it makes sense, but if you can give the kid new parents and let him keep his grandparents as such, why not?

Especially since the grandmother seems to downplay this kids issues as normal...and refers to him as "just like his mom", well, obviously his mom has some problems, so I don't see the g-ma doing much better with the boy, but especially since he seems to have deeper issues than she's willing to acknowledge.....

My dd was accused of "hurting her brothers" as one reason she was being placed...it wasn't normal stuff...it was insane the amount of rage this child would let loose with at her brothers.....and her mom didn't want to handle it and frankly, didn't have the capability to handle it. And she simply found someone who did. My daughter is fine now with how things turned out, and even understands how bmom couldn't do the job of parenting her, because it was too hard because she (dd) was too smart. She gets that it was outside her control, and that S created the behaviors and then couldn't handle them. She wasn't about to change her entire way of thinking, so the damage would have kept going.

My dd is the classic case of "given away because you were bad" type of scenario, but she doesn't see it that way and she never will. She understands her bmom is solely responsible for it, even if her actions contributed to the decision....she couldn't have changed her actions due to the way her bmom raised/treated her. And she doesn't have bad feelings toward her bmom either. It happened, life is different and mostly better, and everyone's happy. It's a win win situation. She didn't really lose people, we still keep in touch, and as much as she wishes some days, it could have been different, she knows it really couldn't have turned out better any other way. We have contact with her ex-step dad (who didn't want her placed) and brothers quite frequently, but even he says now he's glad we have her, as he has his hands full with the 3 boys...and is single now. He said he's glad A has a mom, and that we're just what she needs. S emails when she feels like it, and we try to email her updates at least several times a year, but she doesn't respond much. I'd be up for a visit in later years, but I don't see S as ever being interested. I do think that we'll visit D and the boys sooner rather than later.

Obviously I haven't seen the whole scenario run it's course, but so far everybody wins in my situation......and it wasn't even discussed as a possibility....it was unthinkable....thats what torks my hide....How many kids would avoid foster care if more parents knew that direct placement was an option?? Why wait for it to get so bad that the state gets involved???? Why not be proactive and recognize you can't or don't want to hack it, and then make a plan, rather than passive-agressively just let your family go to crap until someone finally takes your kids off your hands.....

The best thing ever, was CPS telling S she had that option.....no one ever considers that option....

[waited2long]

Thank you for explaining all of that. Now I think I understand your feelings about it. And, with all that you have experienced, your feelings sound very sensible.