[missw005]

I told my dad off!!!

Ok, this may sound stupid to some, but as I struggle with laying down the law with my family (though can do it to everyone else!), this is pretty big for me.

A little history so this makes sense: Last year my mother made some nasty comments in front of my boys, which was the final straw in her controlling/manipulating/belittling behavior that put me over the edge. I stopped having a relationship with her until she apologizes (still hasn't happened) and my boys are off-limits until then as well.
As predicted, my brother (who works for my mother) decided he would no longer speak to/spend time with us either, but like I said, not a surprise.
What was a surprise was my father, who has been divorced from my mother for many years, taking my mother's side (even though he doesn't know what the whole thing is about and says he doesn't want to know). He no longer calls us. And when he visits, which somehow coincidentally has been every holiday in the last year (which has NEVER happened before), he stops over for 5 minutes or less, then leaves.
The boys are heartbroken, as they have to hear about his visits, going out to supper, swimming at the hotel pool, etc. from my brother's son as my father is doing those things with my brother and mother.

After the Easter visit, I decided that was IT! I'm tired of his little 5 minute visits and the boys' emotional outbursts/breakdowns afterwards.

So when he called last night (I haven't spoken to him since Easter), I told him not to come anymore unless he was going to spend at least an hour with the boys. And reminded him that even though he had promised me he would stay out of this thing with my mother and I, he isn't, and that's his choice, but I will NOT allow him to hurt the boys anymore.
I called him on the carpet for all the crap he's pulled this year, and he was rather stunned at first. Then he went right back into the whole "you need to apologize to your mother" and the new "you need to heal this family" storyline.
I reiterated the fact that unless he's going to spend equal time with the boys and my brother's kids, he needs to not do the 5 minute stop anymore. I know he'll be coming up in a couple weeks as my nephew (his oldest grandson) will be graduating from high school then.
Then I hung up.

for me!!!! For many reasons, I really struggle confronting my family about the way they treat me and my sons. I've always backed down, but NOT ANYMORE!!!
Which is funny, since many of you know that I usually don't have a problem with being outspoken.

AND.........I finally decided to list my house with a realtor. The thought of losing $9000 in fees is killing me, but I have to get this house sold and move on. Get a new start for me and the boys!
I've tried to sell it myself for a couple months now, but with the summer tourist season ramping up, now is the time. It'll be a struggle, but worth it in the end.

Whew!!! All this major decision-making is emotionally exhausting but extremely liberating! me!!!!

Sandy

[athikers]

Three cheers for you!!!

I hope the house sells quickly and you can be off to The Cities.

[devildogwife]

Sandy, what a great post to read!!!! I am really impressed. for you! Hoping your house is sold soon!

[Kansas Girl]

that's awesome Sandy!

What I heard in working on my own healing is that in dysfunctional familiies, those in the family who are in denial will join forces and "close ranks" against the person who is breaking out and getting healthier. The person seeking healing and health becomes the bad guy, since facing the real issues and finding healing and health is threatening to someone in denial. Certainly has been the case with me and my family!


Fran

[Tudu]

I, too, have stopped speaking to my Mother and recently told off 2 of my sisters and her. I am sick of being treated like crap and ignored. My kids don't even know my Mother and we lived 30 minutes away. She would drive an hour or more to see my nieces. She invited all my sister over and out to do things but would conveniently leave me out. I am the one that could use th break! I let her have it and I feel a huge relief. A weight has been lifted. Every time I wanted to share something good or bad with her I would hesitate b/c she would critisize everything I said, now I don't have to worry, I just don't call.

It's hard to do, be proud of yourself.

[qs mom]

I too have a hard time confronting my family. It's ingrained to respect them, and to take care of them.

I'm currently having difficulty with my mom. She is extremely depressed. Refuses to believe that depression is a medical issue and that medication can help. She thinks she can 'work through it'.

I've also found a Church that both my son and I enjoy. We feel a home there, we feel loved and I feel we are on a great path.

My mom is very passive aggressive about it. But my sister said it has nothing to do with us changing Churches, she's that way about everything and everyone lately.

I almost want to force feed her anti-depressants for a couple weeks until she sees she can feel better.

[waited2long]

Congrats!
Now the whole family knows the rules.
You deserve some respect and your kids deserve to be treated with respect as well.
Hugs to you and your sons.

[marythemom]

Except it's my husband who is clinically depressed and has been for years. He refuses to take medications. It's 'not his way.' Both my children's therapists and mine believe he is clinically depressed and that it is effecting his relationship with the kids negatively (especially D - who we are in the process of adopting). Even his doctor has offered anti-depressants.

Hubby thinks this is a situational depression that will be fine as soon as he gets a new job. Which he thought would be in only a couple of weeks - less time then it would take for him to get to a therapeutic level dose of any meds. He's now been unemployed for 5 months.

I started on bipolar medication 3 months ago and due to a bad recommendation on the part of the nurse practitioner I was sedated for 3 months. I'm finally awake and hubby is overwhelmed from being the "only" parent for 3 months.

I wish I could force feed him antidepressents too!

Mary
mom to T(9), K(11.75), H(13) and D(14.75)

[michsm]

Congratulations!!!!

I wish I had the courage you have. I have begun taking baby steps and hope someday I will be where you are now.

qs mom-

I agree it is ingrained in many of us that you have to show respect. I think if it wasn't for "Honor your Father and Mother", I would be a lot closer to saying what I really think.

[qs mom]

I don't mean to highjack the thread, but it is difficult for me. I'm the oldest. So, I was always told, you're older you should know better. I have 1 sister, I am 12 months older. Give me a break.

Anyway, I feel that I have to take care of everyone. Make sure that they are happy, they have what they need. When in reality, I need help. But I have never asked for it. I don't know how.

[missw005]

It gets even BETTER!!!!!!!!!!
I had a LONG visit with my real estate agent yesterday - it's a woman I went to high school with and have been friends with for many years. In fact, she used to be J's aide when he was in Head Start.
Anyway, she agreed to 5-1/2%, not 7% fees!!! It'll save me $2000!
So that is great! She got our house on the MLS yesterday and a sign in the yard already. Her whole agency is coming over Wednesday for an agents' tour as well.
And..........dare I jinx it? (whispering) I have a match meeting this week for a baby boy!
Trying not to get too excited or hopeful..........but y'all know how that goes........
So who knows?
Maybe this week is the week of YAY FOR ME!!!!!

Sandy

[athikers]

You think if you type it small you won't jinx it????

Good luck again!!

[lambeausam]

Sandy - good news all around! I am really proud of you for standing your ground with your dad. It's a hard situation, but he needs to recognize there are two sides to the story and you and your boys are hurt by the family's actions and words.

Hope all goes well!

Sam

[kay]

Fingers crossed that it does turn into a YAY FOR SANDY WEEK!

[waited2long]

Wow!

I hope Lylac's recent luck continues to rub off on you!!!