Taking a break...(long and whiny)

Original Mike · #1 05-16-2008, 08:38 AM

Lately, things around here have pretty much been total chaos. T's downward spiral continued with more incidents of truancy, marijuana, and just general "Stuff". Finally, his worker moved him to a group home yesterday where he can be supervised 24/7. He was supposed to leave today, but I got a call from the school truant officer yesterday morning telling me that they found him walking down the highway with two friends, all reeking of pot. I told the officer to call his caseworker because I had mandatory meetings at work and couldn't take any more time. Well, his worker decided to pick him up from school and take him to the group home one day early. When I got home, a lot of his stuff was gone and I told the worker I'll box up the rest of it over the weekend.

Then, last night M comes home and announces out of the blue that he is moving out. His buddy has been in from the Army for two weeks and M has hardly been home. I know he is 18 and an adult, but I told him that I don't consider disappearing for two days without a word acceptable. Well, apparently I have no right to "run his life". I tired to say that it was not about running his life, but about the courtesy of letting me know where he was. He also told me that he was sick of me criticizing his girlfriend. Well, my "criticism" has been warning my 18 (almost 19) year old son that messing around with a 15yo is TROUBLE and that he could get arrested for it. I also pointed out to him that two of his friends have already bragged about sleeping with her.

Well, M took all of his stuff and left last night. He didn't even say "good-bye". After he left, I just went to my room and cried. I don't know how much more I am supposed to take. I feel so beaten down right now that I just want to hide away from the world.

In a twisted irony, our agency is having its annual appreciation reception tonight. I was actually supposed to be getting an award for all that I have done. Well, this morning I called and let them know that I couldn't make it. I cannot accept any kind of award at this point.

I'm really starting to think that these kids are beyond help or hope. I think the negative influences and self-destructive tendencies are so deep by the time we get them that success is not an option.

I guess I'm just tired of life right now and am really whiny. I need to just walk away and see where I go from here. It's really rotten to know that you're a has-been before you're even 40.

aMarylandfamily · #2 05-16-2008, 08:59 AM

... from one who has been there and done this and wondered what I did wrong and why can't it work better ... know it is not you - it is these kids and we can only hope the difference we make (no matter how miniscule) is a difference!

Please don't beat yourself up - those of us who have walked this road together know what a great Dad you are and hoping that you will still keep going - like us at one point you will know you can take no more children but until that time never say never - I truly don't think you are there yet - the caring, support, encouragement and love too still has lots of room for sharing ...

Keep us posted! And - you do deserve that award!

Always Your Friend on the most difficult journey in life - parenting!

Kansas Girl · #3 05-16-2008, 09:03 AM

Mike, you are definitely not a has been before 40....you are a great dad and you definitely deserve that award.

Hopefully at some point in their life both T and M will remember and put into practice all that you did for them.

Fran

lucyjoy · #4 05-16-2008, 11:09 AM

Parenting teens/adults this age just isn't fun. And there is a current trend among teens/young adults these days to "live free" which tends to include steppping on the people who love you and want you to succeed.

What you have given to your children, they still have. It might not be evident now, but in time, life will help them appreciate all you did do.

I'm so sorry all this is happening and all at the same time as well. Tends to go that way in multi teen households, I think. You're a good man and a good dad and you did what you could for these kids. What they choose to do now, is up to them.

Be nice to yourself.

lovemy6 · #5 05-16-2008, 11:30 AM

Oh my goodness I know how you're feeling. My 18 year old moved out unofficially a week ago and officially last night. I guess you and I were crying about the same time

My son is supposed to graduate next month, but is failing 3 core classes. We refused to let him go to prom bc he was so far behind. In the last two weeks since then he's even further behind. Last week I put him on restriction until his papers are all turned in. He told me no, he was staying out all night. I told him his Dad and I are in charge of this family and rules, not him. He told me he's 18 and is in charge of his own life. I told him then come get his stuff and good luck. Now he's telling everyone I've "thrown him out". No, he made the CHOICE!

I'm down to 3 kids now. God get me through them!

((((((((hugs))))))))) to you. Teens just plain ol' suck!

Bippette · #6 05-16-2008, 11:40 AM

I think all of us with troubled teens have "been there". I was discussing with my therapist this week that alot of times I feel like all we've done for J has been for nothing....because he's still not doing the right things.

The therapist told me that what we've given J was priceless....that we gave him a chance that no one else had given....showed him love and what a functioning home looks like. He said if we hadn't stepped in that not only would J not be graduating this Sunday...but he'd probably also be incarcerated right now.

But I did point out that it still goes with the old adage "If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it....did it make a noise?"

Yeah, we gave him a chance and an opportunity...but if he didn't make use of it....did it really matter???

Hang in there. I'm sure you'll bounce back. Try to get some down time and take care of yourself for a while.

Again! · #7 05-16-2008, 11:50 AM

Mike: I hope you feel better. I hate to add fuel, but I've been thinking the same thing about my kids being without help or hope, despite all my efforts, as I watch my youngest 2 develop more and more problems (at 11 and 8). At some point, it would be nice to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself counting the days until they are all 18. My idea of a good fantasy is one where I send them off to boarding school. I do not remember these thoughts being covered in pre adopt classes :>

waited2long · #8 05-16-2008, 11:55 AM

I know right now it's hard to see, but someday what you showed/taught these boys will come through. It may not be for many many years. But I'm betting the little bit of time they had with you, will mean something to them and will help them throughout their lives.

I'm guessing that doesn't help much right now, though. Hugs, Mike.

I'm sorry things seem so bleak and congrats on the award. Even if you're not accepting it, it was still awarded to you, there must have been a reason for that.

BTW, I'm just under 40 as well, and as far as parenting goes, you are WAY ahead of me. And, you can't be a 'has been' if you're still a parent!

***momraine*** · #9 05-16-2008, 12:57 PM

You know those little neices in my sig line? I did not even get to meet them until they were almost 4 and 5. The reason was that Sis, whom I raised. I took care of her as a baby, then when she was only two my mom pulled me out of school to care for her and my other sibs full time. She told me that the two little ones were mine now. I left for a while when she was 4, came back into her life when she was six, and then mom moved her away from age 12-15, I spent that entire time trying to get coustody of her and finally did. Then I had her legally until she turned 18. She went into the Navy, she came home on leave pregnant. Her boyfriend had leave at the same time but did not want to meet us, even though he was going to his family in the same state. He told her not to call him because he wanted time with his old friends. He did not want her to meet his family. She tried to call him anyway, but his cell phone had been turned off cause he forgot to pay the bill. They had to put thier apartment and utilities and both cars in her name becuase his credit was shot. I told her these were red flags and to be careful and to be sure she got child support. She was so mad that she left and did not speak to me for several years. During that time she married him, got pregnant again and he left two weeks before the baby was born. (now she claims she threw him out, but she called shortly after and said he left cause he had a new girlfriend) OK so then she calls, but when she tells me she is planning to go move in with his parents becuase his dad says that as soon as he is out of the Navy (a few months after she got out) he would make him go back to her and the kids. I mention that I don't think that is the best plan, and so again I loose her for a few years.
She also did the party scene before getting pregnant and the sleeping around thing. Now she is doing OK, I mean we have our issues, and she is moving out of our house (but we are parting on good terms this time) but, she is not doing drugs or drinking or smoking. She is not partying. She has been keeping jobs. She spends her time off with her girls. She makes sure they are well cared for. She loves them very much and takes care of them. So she did come back and she did straighten out, she just had to be stupid for a while. Don't give up on the boys yet.
OH and you were right in what you told M about the girlfriend. I have a good friend whose 23 year old son is having trouble getting a job. He is on the sex offender registry. He can never do volunteer work with kids or get a job anywhere where are children. (he's actually having trouble getting any kind of job anywhere) What happened was right after he turned 19, he hooked up with a girl in his appartment complex. She told him she was 18. Her dad found out and had the kid arrested. Turns out she is 15. In court his mom brought in several other young men to whom she had lied about her age and some girls who had heard her bragging about lying. The girl even admitted herself on the stand that she had lied. The boy only got communittee service and no jail time, but he was convicted because he did sleep with a minor and he will be on that list for the rest of his life. It was a huge lesson for him, but the price was way too steep.

skirbo · #10 05-16-2008, 01:59 PM

Having only been at this whole parenting thing for a few months, I sure don't have any words of wisdom for you.

However, if you feel the need to hit some things really hard, I'm installing a fence in the back yard. I have plenty of posts you can come whack on for as long as you like. Or a soothing beach you can walk on which might even have some pretty women in skimpy bikinis you can watch for a while. Whichever.

Hugs,
Sarah

mrsred · #11 05-16-2008, 02:28 PM

Oh Mike, my heart is hurting for you. But, like Lucy said, what you have given these boys is still there. Someday they will realize how much you loved them, what you sacrificed for them, and how much they love you!! It is human nature to rebel, even when our Father gives us everything we could want or need and loves us immeasurably.
I am sorry you have chosen not to accept your award, because you certainly deserve it. You have taken in the unlovable and loved them, you have accepted them when nobody else would. You do deserve all sorts of awards, but I can understand how right now it would be too painful to stand up in front of a bunch of people for that.
I hold you up in my prayers, as well as your boys.

athikers · #12 05-16-2008, 02:34 PM

This is not related to your post at all Mike, but I see C is back in your signature

To me, that in itself is hopeful amongst all this other crap you're dealing with.

Lylac · #13 05-16-2008, 06:17 PM

Hugs Mike! You ARE an awesome dad!! And I echo that you so DESERVE that award! I agree you should be nice to yourself!

Take some time and rekindle what you and Miss Betty had. I'm sure she's feeling a little left out these days. (you know I'm just trying to get a smile here..dontcha?)

Indy · #14 05-16-2008, 06:43 PM

I don't know what to say, except I understand. I have a couple of sons on a path I cannot seem to change. I have to believe that I have made a difference in their lives and go on. I never hear from J2, unless I call him. M1 has not called or returned my calls in 4 days. L is looking to move out the 1st of June, as he graduates next week. We are in the process of looking for a group home for M2.

Let's see...that leaves me with 5 at home. J3 has made it clear that he is 17 and is not liking the rules. I reminded him that I still pay the bills and am head of the household. C and V have backed way off, as they are "trying" to clean up their act. Sadly, V's plan when he turns 18 is return to WA to live with his bio brother and friend. Not a real good idea, as he and his brother are like fire and gas together. His brother is proud to be a "crip".

S and J4 are fine.

We pour so much into these children that when they throw it back into our face....we wonder why we ever did it to begin with. I know my heart is in for more pain in the coming years. I think it is the nature of the adoption beast.

kay · #15 05-16-2008, 06:46 PM

Mike,
I'm so sorry. For what it's worth, I think you have been and still are an awesome dad. You've done wonders with these kids, and have made a diffference in their lives that they may not acknowledge for years - but it's there! I understand totally your not being able to go to the ceremony and accept the award - but it is yours, and you do deserve it. Be kind to yourself. You are a terrific and loving man, and not even close to being a "

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