[lucyjoy]

Okay, since it looks like T is coming home this summer and staying awhile, I told my older son.

He is angry with me for letting T return. He says he hates T and can't understand how I can stick up for him. He says I should dump him on the street and let him die.

This son has more then enough reason to resent T. When T was 9 he lied about something serious and this kid ended up in Juvie and it took me 8 weeks to get him back.

But T is brain damaged among other things. If my other son is angry, he should be angry at me. I made the decision to take T. I handled the allegations badly. I am responsible for that, not T. I told my son that, but he doesn't get it. He says if T is here, he won't visit anymore.

I hate this. I don't expect them to be good friends but I didn't raisemy kids to hate people. I also feel my older son should have compassion for his brother's disabilities. He'll never have the opportunities the rest of my kids have.

But at the same time, if I had any other reasonable choice, I wouldn't bring T home. He IS a nightmare to live with. He will require most of my time. And if I were honest, I'd have to admit that I resent the idea of caring for him as an adult, disabled or not-and I feel incredibly guilty about this. I did not realize going into his adoption that he would need adult care. And I feel like a horrible person for being like this. I'm his mother and I should want to help him. And I am suppose to be a christian yet I have this selfish attitude.

I feel like I'm choosing between my kids but T has no other options and my other son can take care of himself.

What do you do when your kids hate each other? What do you do if they feel you are against them if you help the one they hate? What do you do if you need to raise a child and you have resentful feelings? Any suggestions?

[aMarylandfamily]

What a position for you to be in! How to care about both without alienating or favoring one or the other while also monitoring to make sure they are not undermining each other in actions and feelings ... no good advice other than to take things one minute at a time ... and know you are being cared about and remember we understand and are here for you

[mrsred]

I have no idea lucy. Maybe revisit the Christian lessons of forgiveness with your older son? Forgiving and compassion are not easy things. I am sorry you are in this awful position.
Don't beat yourself up feeling guilty for being resentful that you have to parent an adult. It is so hard when life doesn't turn out how we expect it.
Hopefully, as time goes on your older son's heart will soften... he will miss you too much or something.
I don't know... feel like it sounds like I am just giving platitudes, and I don't mean to. My heart really aches for you. I will hold you in my prayers.

[SAHmom]

Lucy, no advice here...sorry! "J" wrote a letter from boot camp wanting everyone to write him back. The older kids refused to and wouldn't you know it, he called griping about them not writing. I told him they were busy with school and work and he didn't believe me. I just don't want to tell him that they refuse to, but he knows. The bad thing is that after everything he has done to them, I can understand why they don't want to.

[Lylac]

Hugs Lucy! This has got to be THE hardest spot for any parent to be in. I'm not sure what I would do, if I were you.
GIGANTIC hugs and prayers!

[momraine]

Well, my kids are not adults yet, unless you count sis whom I raised and other siblings. Anyway, here is my story that I am embarressed to admit. OK, I am the oldest of seven. My mother was mentally ill and abusive to us and my father. However, my brother who is only 18 months younger than me was immune from all abuse. My mom had always dreamed of having a blond son who loved everything she loved. My brother was blond and learned very early how to pretend to be that dream son. My moms illness helped. At report card time I would bring home A's and he would bring home F's. She always signed my card without looking at it. His she looked at but would always talk about how the teachers hated her perfect son and how he was really a genius and was probably bored. The problem was he learned early how to lie and she beleived everything he said. The biggest fight my parents ever got into was one night when I was on the way home from girl guide camp. My mom started in on me about how I was grounded for carving my name into the blender. OK so here were the things my dad pointed out. The name had been carved while I was gone, they both knew this to be true and my name was misspelled. I was 11 and could spell my own name. Also my mother had just presented my brother with a pocket knife. (because our leader gave me one for camp, it was in the required list, but my mom said she didn't have the money) My parents argued all the way home. When my brother feared that logic might help my dad win, he told my mom that I had told him to do it before I left. (he got the knife after I left, I did not know he was getting it) My mom believed this and I was grounded to my room for three weeks. Later my brother got a paper route because he saw I was making good money babysitting. My mother absolutly beleived his story that every single time he collected money, someone mugged him, but took only the papers portion of the money. (he had to add that last part because I pointed out that each time after having been supposedly mugged he came home with a bag full of candy and other treats from the corner store) My mom paid the paper for a whole year before my brother got fired for hiding the papers instead of delivering them. He stole from me frequently, destroyed my belongings and listened in on every phone conversation. However none of this made me hate him. What made me hate him was discovering after I moved out that he was molesting our youngest siblings. Sis, was four when she came to visit my apartment and described in great detail what he had done to her. I have no memory of walking to my moms house. I remember her telling me and then I remember my dad prying my hands off his throat. At that point my dad and I moved out of state. (my parents were divorced by then and my dad had been staying with me) My mom promised in front of a police officer that he would never be left alone with the children again and that he would get counseling. I was only 18 and I guess stupid cause I beleived her. Anyway, a year later I get a phone call from my mother who is hysterical. It seems my brother has a new friend, a 40 year old man. He had been spending lots of time with this man and even been baptized at his church (that's a whole other post) My mom thought it was "nice" until the school called the police. This man had taken my brother out of school repeatedly and apparently took him for a weekend that my mom thought he was somewhere else. The police found, um interesting stuff in the mans house. My mom and brother both refused to press charges or testify. Because of my brothers past and the fact that he had not had the promised counseling (he went once and told mom he didn't like it so she let him quit) They gave him two choices. He was 17, either my mom could send him to live with a relative out of state or he would go into state coustody. Well, mom was pretending she did not know where my dad was becuase in her words she was getting more money from AFDC than he made and if he paid child support she would get less. He did send her cash every paycheck but she was not reporting that. So my mom asks me at 19 to take coustody of my brother who is 17 and whom I cannot stand. I will be honest, I only did it because I wanted him away from my siblings. I had to pray very hard and do a lot of soul searching and ask God to help me forgive him. The good part is He did. The bad part is later, after my brother turned 18 and I went back to take care of my brother who had severe special needs. (angelmans syndrome) He married a woman who had young children. She also has children the same age as him from a previous marriage. However we know he married her for her children. Her older daughters found out. (a simple phone call ensured that) and took thier younger sisters out of the house within six months of the wedding. Those younger girls are now grown and one adopted a sibling pair from foster care, however she only really wanted the baby and has given her mom and my brother the little girl. (this has taken several phone calls and it's still going back and forth as no one will admit what is happening. The adoptive mom is afraid if she admits this she will loose the baby that she loves, so they just keep moving and hiding and lying) OK so my mom still thinks little brother is perfect. He dropped out of high school but mom beleives he works for the CIA. So, at this point I would not visit my mom if he were living there. I forgave him once, and I am working on it again, but he just keeps doing stuff! Anyway, now y'all know way more than you ever wanted to about my crazy family. Lucy I know you can forgive the kid, but it won't be easy. I don't know if your older son can. I mean he could if he wanted to, but I doubt he wants to. I don't know if I would have when I was younger if I had not been forced into it. I am only doing it now because I am older and I am much more mature in my Christian walk and getting into deeper Bible study that has led me the place I am now where I know I must. Not for his sake, he could care less. He lives in his own imaginary world, he thinks I love him and worship him. I have to do it for me because hate and anger can tear you up inside. It's like emotional cancer and it will eat you alive. I don't know if your son is old enough to understand that yet though, it takes some maturity. Just like the sense of responsibility you have and he doesn't. That too takes maturity.