[bumblebeeskies]

This is embarrassing, but I thought I should share.

After reading the thread on things going bad on Mother's Day, I thought maybe I should share how it is for me. I'm a 30 year old adoptee and I find myself subconciously doing things to sabotage Mother's day and most other holidays. It mostly manifests itself in being on edge and blowing up over things that normally wouldn't be that big of a deal. Luckily, I'm on a good combo of meds and I don't rage. The stress and the expectations that go along with the holiday, are just too much. Luckily, I'm old enough to know all of this and do some things to help the situation. For example, I bought my mom flowers for her yard last month. I told her it was her mother's day gift. It was a lot easier for me to buy them and give them to her on a day that didn't have all the emotional baggage and expectations. I don't have a problem with going out to eat with her tomorrow, but it would be a lot easier if she just asked to go out to lunch, with no mention of the day and left it at that.

My point? I wanted to let you all know, that I feel like a total butt. Likewise, your children who do things to make your day not so nice, probably feel like butts to. They probably don't even have any idea why they do these things that ruin your day. I'm glad I'm old enough to put my feelings to words.

[crick]

I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about at all. Thank you for sharing, and I think you have it right to participate but not respond to triggers. (buying her flowers last month vs. tomorrow)

I'm sure a lot of the moms here hope their kids get to the point you have and will appreciate your perspective.

[mrsred]

Thank you bumblebeeskies. I think deep down we all know this about our kids. That doesn't necessarily make it any easier.
for myself, I would just as soon let the day go by with nothing special. Yesterday my 8 year old asked me why we celebrate Mother's Day. I told him it was so Hallmark could make more money.

[lucyjoy]

I do get that Mother's Day is tough for my kids. It's one of the things that makes me sad-I can't fix this for them.

It must be hard to hear us whine about the crazy things our kids do and how it makes us feel-but we gotta do that somewhere so when we reach for our kids, they get all the good stuff instead of our hurt.

I have always appreciated your insight, bumblebeeskies, and your willingness to share yourself. It helps to be reminded that there is more then one side to our lives.

[AmyAnne]

Bumblebee,

I thank you for sharing your perspective.

[bumblebeeskies]

A few more thoughts...

I haven't always been this way. For a lot of years, the only mom I thought about on Mother's Day, was the mom who raised me. A phrase that a lot of adoptees use, is that I came out of the "adoption fog". The thinking that adoption was simply this wunnerful thing and never put much thought into any of the negative aspects of it, such as loss. I then reunited with my bmom, but it didn't turn out well. So, now Mother's Day is just another day to remind me about my bmom and what I have lost. When I think about celebrating the holiday w/ only my amom, it feels too much like dancing on my bmom's grave. Who wants to do that? Not me. This is why it's easier for me to just try to skip it all together.

The difference between myself and most of your children is that until reunion, I had never seen or known my bmom. Whereas, most of your kids have. Once I had seen and known her, that's when my thoughts on the day changed. Obviously, your chldren's birth moms weren't the best people, they did bad enough things to have their children taken from them. No matter what though, I am sure that there is SOMETHING good, no matter how small, that your kids remember about them. Same with my bmom. She is not a very nice person. She's self centered, refuses to see anyone else's point of view and is just plain mean. However, I know that there ARE some good things about her. I think when it comes to birth parents, those small things can be the strongest of magnets.

Hope all this rambling makes sense.

[aspenhall]

I wasn't adopted, and I had a SUCKY MOTHER....and I felt the same way all the cutesy crafts/songs we had to do, made me wanna gag! especially because I got the message from her that kids were a trial and a hassle to be endured...I didn't think my mom thought of anyone but herself, she never did nice things for me or anything, and she's basically a really toxic and abusive person....I use to WISH I was adopted

So, I don't think adoption ruined mother's day for you...She'd still be the same mean, self centered person...and you'd still hate mother's day...only you wouldn't have a second mom to redeem the day for you and give it another meaning....a day to celebrate the woman who really did a wonderful job of parenting and gave so much of herself for your benefit and made sure your needs were met....

I feel more warm and fuzzy towards my Mother in Law, than I do my own mother....she redeemed the day for me, and I try to be the best I can for my dd so the cycle is broken.

You'd hate mother's day just as much if you weren't adopted, trust me...nothing curdles my blood worse than OBLIGATORY GIFTS....made mandatory by an official holiday.....what my fam does for me on the random days when it isn't coerced or forced is what I treasure most...then I have to remind myself, it's possible that my dd's gifts etc...actually might come from the heart!

[marythemom]

My kids went swimming with Daddy, while my Mom and I went window shopping. It was lovely. This year was much better than last year. Of course last year we were still waiting for our son to get into the residential treatment center.

I thought about my kids' b-mom and decided to send her a current picture, but realized we haven't taken any recently so I sent her baby pictures of the kids. She had scanned in baby pictures of my children and e-mailed them to me. Some of my staff are graphic designers and they "fixed" the pictures for me. (Some were too dark, one had puppy teethmarks and the corner missing, and my favorite had tears that looked like glowing boogers and marker and pen all over it. See attached.

Is it weird for me to acknowledge bmom on mother's day? Is this a weird "gift"? The kids are 13 and 14 and have expressed nothing but anger toward this "mother" who dumped them one at a time into foster care at age 9 and 11 because she "couldn't handle them." Biomom still has 2 younger half siblings and is pregnant with another.

Mary
mom to bio kids T(9), K(11),
finalized onH(13) 3/27/08
might finalize on D(14) next month

[SAHmom]

bumblebeeskies, thanks for sharing this! I honestly hadn't thought of this...although I had a *very* good day, I will keep this in mind.

[AmyAnne]

Kiddo did fairly well today. I made the choice to skip church because i did not feel like listening to people wax eloquent about their kids and moms, since I am feeling like a failure as a mother lately.

The guys took me to KNoebel's, a free admission amusement park yesterday. Austin wigged out a LITTLE but did remarkably well. We realized he was losing it, left the park and fortunately encountered a McDonald's within a mile. We stopped, had supper, I gave him his medication and since we were driving in the mountains, some Dramamine which not only curbed his carsickness, but knocked him out at 7:30 for the night.

Today was low key. I called my own mother, Austin mowed the grass, and Jeff made omlettes for dinner (I gave him the choice of making omlettes or ordering pizza) and we watched a movie. Afterwards, I had a hot bath and enjoyed the season finale of "Survivor" and ate artichoke dip. I also have the guys halfway convinced to go to Jeff's grandparents' farm for Memorial Day and leave me here at home

[momraine]

Gee Aspen are we sisters? I too had a sucky mom. I did not call her or send her anything yesterday. I also wished I was adopted as a kid. For me it was worse because I knew that I had been put up for adoption, but that an aunt who was hormal being pregnant herself (this happened after she had agreed to adopt me and was the only reason no abortion happened, by the time she found out she was pregnant and backed out of the adoption it was too late for an abortion so I was placed for adoption by a private agency) My aunt was upset about my going to strangers, so she paid my parents to get me back. So I did have other parents for two weeks. I don't remember that of course, LOL, but I sure did fantasize about them. My mom made it clear to me that I had ruined her life. Of course she went on to have six more kids. She loves one. (my brother was her dream child and learned early how to work her to his advantage, he's now an alcoholic and child molester) and she likes one (my sister who is married to the drug dealer who hits her and who won't talk to me cause I won't give her money) and the rest of us were just in the way. I e-mail her occasionally and once ever few years she sends cheap christmas gifts to my kids (usually sometime in the spring) she has never met my younger kids and seen the older ones only twice. Once when I went to visit her for one of my brother's funerals and once when I paid her to come to sis's HS graduation. (we had then had coustody of sis for more than three years and having her parents come to the graduation was all she wanted for graduation)
So yeah, I understand that. However I no longer think about her on mother's day, I think about my kids only. Lucky for me I have a very attached daughter and one very sensitive and sweet bio child. They redeem the day for me. I do love my Mil but her judgemental attitude makes it hard.

[stevenstwin]

I think it's a lovely gift. Certainly not weird to think of B-mom on Mother's Day, and very thoughtful of you. I think she might appreciate the "fixed" baby picture even more than current pictures, since that is likely how she is remembering her children. Not that you'll necessarily hear any thanks from her, considering that she isn't mom of the year to begin with, but we do such things for ourselves and our kids more than for these damaged birth parents, I think.

Originally Posted by marythemom

My kids went swimming with Daddy, while my Mom and I went window shopping. It was lovely. This year was much better than last year. Of course last year we were still waiting for our son to get into the residential treatment center.

I thought about my kids' b-mom and decided to send her a current picture, but realized we haven't taken any recently so I sent her baby pictures of the kids. She had scanned in baby pictures of my children and e-mailed them to me. Some of my staff are graphic designers and they "fixed" the pictures for me. (Some were too dark, one had puppy teethmarks and the corner missing, and my favorite had tears that looked like glowing boogers and marker and pen all over it. See attached.

Is it weird for me to acknowledge bmom on mother's day? Is this a weird "gift"? The kids are 13 and 14 and have expressed nothing but anger toward this "mother" who dumped them one at a time into foster care at age 9 and 11 because she "couldn't handle them." Biomom still has 2 younger half siblings and is pregnant with another.

Mary
mom to bio kids T(9), K(11),
finalized onH(13) 3/27/08
might finalize on D(14) next month

[MamaS]

Bumblebee you are not alone. My a-daughters (now 25 and 27) always had meltdowns on Mother's Day. By the time they were teenagers, I declared that M-D did not exist in our house. We would go to grandmother's house and it would be "her day". They were okay with that. Even now that they are grown up and mothers themselves, we celebrated my M-D on Friday. They did their in-laws on Saturday and spent Sunday with their bio-kids and hubby. I called them on Sunday morning and wished them a happy day. Then I settled down to a quiet day of laundry, Iron Chef America reruns and ordered in a pizza.
I KNOW they love me. Your mom knows it too. It doesn't take a declared national holiday for me to feel the love. Anytime is fine!

[aspenhall]

You guys are gonna love this....

So I do at least call my mom to wish her a happy MD....but later that night I had severe abdominal pains and was rushed to the ER monday morning...in and out of conciousness from the pain...

They did pre-prep for possible surgery as my BP was 88/43 ....Cat scan revealed 2 cysts (larger than golf balls) had burst and were hemmorhaging (sp?) ....DH and I had been ummm ...."intimate" Sunday night, so I teased him that he'd given me one "explosive evening" for MD! :O

I'm home now, nearl;y bed ridden...on Morphine, Glucophage, and Valium. But I likely won't be online for a few days as I recouperate ......Thay'd given me a size 18 needle, which I overheard the nurse explain to the Phlebotomist (as I was in and out of conciousness) that it was in case a blood trasnfusion was needed.

I've never passed out before from pain, but In that moment I seriously felt my body separate from my mind (which was alert) and become unresponsive to my thoughts....I really truly thought "so, this is what it feels like to die"....My brain was so much more alert than I could have imagined, but I was totally disconnected from my body (not out of body, just trapped inside)

There was no warning signs....except I had been thinking with my growing tummy and weight gain and no monthly visits that I was probably pregnant......um....NOPE not pg...

[kay]

Aspen, good grief! So glad you're doing ok!! So they didn't have to do the surgery after all? Praying for a quick and uneventful recovery!