[mrsred]

Hi there. We have a visit scheduled at our agency for tomorrow with a prospective parent for our little foster girl.
While I am thrilled that there is some forward motion toward getting her moved, I think I know who this couple is, and am less than thrilled with them.
The first hint I heard of this was from the state caseworker. When she described the couple very vaguely, I suspected they were a couple I have met. I asked a few questions about them and by the answers I am pretty certain they are who I think they are.
I have gone through a few therapuetic parenting classes with them. Okay, you all know the couple that is in the class that has something to say about everything, and within a half an hour you realize they haven't a clue about anything, right? This is them.
At that time they were having some difficulties with the foster boys, difficulties with the simple things, like "how do you get them to eat their vegetables". But while they were focused on that, for the little bit that I was able to observe the boys I could see bigger red flags than vegetable eating. It was like they just didn't grasp it at all.
Okay, does this sound like a good potential placement to you??? I am thinking NOT. I told the state caseworker that I had serious reservations about them, if indeed they were who I thought they were. Besides the fact that this couple is extremely niaive, those boys are tough enough for mom to handle right now, adding a very demanding little girl could really tip the scales. And what ever happened to all the discussions I have had with the agency caseworkers and state caseworkers about how she needs to be in a smaller family... either as the only, or with just one other child? Or that she would need a strong parent, one able to set firm boundaries and rules in place?
This afternoon the agency caseworker called me to schedule the visit for tomorrow. I am praying that this is an entirely different couple. Obviously, this is a couple that they agency is seriously considering. Do they feel that they are qualified because they have sat through a few classes? These two foster boys are the first experience they have had with parenting.
Despite the fact that I desperately want C out of here, I will call the state case worker again and voice my concerns. Ultimately, where she is placed will be determined by the state case worker. If the agency is not willing to listen to my recommendations, I will by pass them.
Not like I am concerned about burning bridges with the agency. Don't forsee us going back for more.

[chickymum]

When had to disrupt I gave the worker very clear guidlines for what kind of home and parents that this boy needed. It was all ignored. Infact before he came to us recomendation papers had been removed from his file that would have made our family unsuitable also. They just want to place the kids. It does not matter if the situation is not right. Hmmm do i sound bitter? I am sorry. I just get so frustrated because we are talking about children who are already very fragile and wrong placements can do so much damage.

[zebramom]

Oh Red, I am so sorry for you and for little C. It does not sound like they would be a good match for her. It sounds as though they just want her moved rather than trying to find the best placement. This will harm her greatly if the placement disrupts and she goes through another move. I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation. I know you love C despite everything. You're a good mom!!

[mrsred]

So far the state case worker seems willing to listen to my recommendations. When I told her that I had reservations about this couple she said she would put them on the back burner. It is the agency that seems to be pushing them... probably because they are with the agency too. But it makes me mad, because the caseworker at the agency is the one that really knows her... heck, she is the one that had to take her to visits for three months, spending HOURS in the car with her! By the time I would meet up with her, cw always looked like she was ready for a stiff drink and a hot tub.

[mrsred]

Okay, so the visit happened... It was weird. Wen I got to agency I filled them in on C's visit with the neurologist (her siezures are a form of epilepsy and they are starting her on anti-siezure medication) and had them copy all the paperwork from doctor. Then caseworker said "Okay, we'll see you at 1:00" and shooed me out the door! I didn't even get a glimpse of this potential parent!! Then when I came back at 1:00, still, not a glimpse. I felt like they were purposely keeping me from any communication with prospective parent, which was VERY strange. With every placement we have had I met the current care giver the same day as I met the child. Current care givers have vital information, as well as a good sense of what a child needs. So, why the secrecy???
Anyway, after stewing about it overnight, I have come to two conclusions. First off, as far as C is concerned, I just have to give this to God. I will live it entirely in His hands and trust that He will protect His little lamb.
Secondly, no matter what the future holds, whether we decide we want to try again, do straight foster or are just completely done, we are done with this agency. I just don't feel that at this point their main concern is C's best interest, which to me is the only thing that should matter at all.

[lovemy6]

Well, the only times there have been secrecy with us was bc the sw's were lying to us and the other family.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Right there with you. We are disrupting with R at the end of the school year and let them know a month ago so that there may be some transitioning.

We, too, strongly recommended an only child home OR one with 1-2 children closer to his age than my two boys. They found one family so far and sent him to spend 24 hours exactly with them. His was child #8 in a single wide trailer for the day. Hmmm. How do you think it went? Not well and they called the caseworker the very next day to turn down R as a placement and they said "this child needs to be in a home where he is the only child or one other child and that's it" Duh. Didn't we already recommend that to anyone who would listen??

We have respite (our first ever) coming this weekend and we planned it a couple of months ago. I suggested after deciding to disrupt that they find a potential family for this weekend because then that family will get to spend an entire weekend with him and could do the same for two more weekends until school ends. Here it is Saturday and there is no respite placement found yet for next weekend.

I hope his caseworker has a spare bedroom come Friday if he doesn't get on the ball. He has had two months to find respite family and one month to find one suitable for possible move.

Kim

[mrsred]

I have said it before, I will say it again - xxsurround, you and I are living parallell lives. We have also requested respite for next weekend, preferably a suitable match. Suitable or not, they better come up with respite or I will be dropping C at the agency with an overnight bag.
When C came to live with us, she was leaving her 2nd foster placement. In that home she was the only child with two foster moms. Occassionally they would have their two former foster kids there for a weekend, which worked well as the little girl was within a couple months of C's age. I was told that her first placement had asked to have her moved because they complained that she was having screaming tantrums on a regular basis. But that was all the fault of the foster parents, because they also had a toddler foster son that they were adopting. They paid all their attention to the little boy, making C feel she wasn't cared for. Well, that is what I was told. But now, in hindsight I can see that a placement where there is a much younger child would, of course never work. Little ones require way too much attention, how could she ever be the center?
Now, I am sure that the agency caseworker is telling potential families that this placement is disrupting because my other children are just too mal-adjusted, and that I am too high strung.
By the way, besides this potential family with the two foster boys, the other possibility the agency was looking at has a two year old! I reminded caseworker how well that had worked before. That is probably why she didn't tell me anything about, or let me meet this family. She knows I would say it would be a bad choice.

[Howdy]

Is there a CASA or a GAL that has the child's interests at heart? I had one placement where initially the GAL vetoed placing the child with me, because the child needed a SAHM, but the county didn't have one so the GAL had to agree to me.

[mrsred]

On the paperwork I believe there is a GAL listed, but in the ten months she has been with us there has been no contact from who ever it is.

[chelspark1]

We had a similar situation last year when we disrupted with K. Neither his cw or our cw would listen to us when we told them that he needed to be an only child. They sent him back to one of his previous foster families who ended up adopting him in January (which they never told us they were even planning on adopting him).
It is not a good placement for him at all. His adopted parents are very nice people but older and their other adopted children all have some pretty bad issues.
K is just existing at their house. There are no expectations put onto him, no therapy etc. I often wonder what he is going to be like in ten years.
I tried to fight for him but nobody wanted to listen. Eventually I realized that I had to concentrate on his siblings that stayed and their issues. It was in God's hands.

[athikers]

This settles it, as I know my reccomendations won't be followed either. If/When Teeter leaves I will only allow him to be placed with Lylac, Suzberg, Withay or JessicaBaker. All mommies experienced with difficult feeders

[Lylac]

Ath, I'd take him..but my quota is met But I just know that the others have a vaccant spot for your precious one.

[SAHmom]

You are so right, that it doesn't look like the agency has her best interest in mind and that is sad. When does she go on another visit? Think you'll arrive early just to check things out?