[DoYaReallyThink]

Would you adopt a 12 yo male with RAD that has already had an adoption interrupted?

We really don't have any more info on him as of yet to be clearer. But with your experiences could you give me some insight on what you would do or consider with a DX of RAD?

Thank you!

[Lorraine123]

I would want to know what other diagnoses he has. RAD rarely occurs alone. That would tell me a lot.

If I were pursuing another adoption, I would definitely consider another RAD child. That part of it doesn't scare me. However, I would not consider a 12 year old. I would want to have a child younger than my daughter (she is 11). I would also want a girl because I believe that would work better in my house due to sexual issues.

So, in my case, I would have to say no to a 12 year old boy.

Now thats me. You did not ask what anyone thinks you should do, so I will not post my opinion on that.

[DoYaReallyThink]

Ok Loraine, what do you feel we should do? LOL
Thank you for responding!

[mrsred]

For myself, no way, because I already have three children (12, almost 12 and 8) two of which were also adopted and have their own special needs to deal with. However, that doesn't mean that YOU should not, as only you can answer that. A lot of that would be based on how many children you already have, if any, and the ages and genders of the children. To even consider a 12 yr old RAD boy it would be important that you have no younger children in the home, and that any children you do have there are stable enough to cope with the constant stress he will bring.
I do believe there is a home for every child, but not every home is suitable for every child.

[lucyjoy]

It would depend.

Are there younger children in the home?

Are you familiar with RAD?

Are there good resources for treating attachment disorder where you live?

Why did the first family disrupt?

I would take a 12 year old disrupting if he were not dangerous. However, I would NOT expect him to attach to me. I would NOT recommend an inexperienced family to take in a RAD child with a disrupted adoption. I would not recommend a family with young children take that risk either.

Not sure if that helps or not.

[Lorraine123]

I truly believe that only you can decide if this is the right placement for your family. That would depend on many things - Do you have other children? Do you have support? Are you married and is your marriage strong? Can you commit 24 hours a day to this child? Do you expect this child to give anything back to you? Most important - can you laugh at the absurd???? Just with the little info given, this sounds like as tough child.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

I would take a 12 year old disrupting if he were not dangerous. However, I would NOT expect him to attach to me. I would NOT recommend an inexperienced family to take in a RAD child with a disrupted adoption. I would not recommend a family with young children take that risk either.

I second what Lucy said. Some people have a knack for raising kids with RAD. But I think RAD & attachment disordered kids should have an experienced parent with realistic expectations. And I would make sure the child with RAD was MUCH, MUCH younger than my other children.

[Bippette]

Depends on what you expect. I think there's very little hope of "healing" a 12 year old with RAD. I wouldn't expect them to ever bond with you. Can you handle raising a teenager who will probably never, ever give back to you?

Have you read some of the posts on this board of folks who are dealing with teens who have attachment issues? It can be pure hell. You take the normal rebellion and selfishness of a "normal" teen and magnify it times 100 when you are dealing with a RAD teen. This can include drugs, kids running away or going AWOL, promiscuity, teenage pregnancy, jail time, school issues.

Are you prepared for all of that? I also second what the others have said and would not consider it with other kids in the home.

[lovemy6]

My kids with RAD/severe AD were 12, 10, 12, 3 and 5 when they first came to us (3 separate families/placements). They were 15, 17, 5 and 7 when we went through attachment therapy. My then-7 year old, now 11 year old, is still very much into his RAD behaviors. We need to get back into AT. The other kids are attached for the most part.

I can't, NO one, can ever express the work it takes to help heal a RAD/AD kid! You may think the kid's attaching, then out of no one a stressor will come along and they're right back into their behaviors. It's been over 6 years for us and some days are such a struggle. It's so hard.

Are you willing to parent a kid who NEVER attaches? You have to consider that. Your kids are all grown. Do you have grandkids? I have one kid who is sexually reactive and can't be out of our sight. We have a grandchild who would be at risk if we didn't monitor 100%. We can't do things without carefully orchastrating the event. We have to consider who will be there, who will monitor whom. We can't live like a normal family, pre-foster/adopting.

Find out all you can about this child. Talk with the former families. DCFS may lie to you about the child to get him placed. They may blame all his issues on the former family.

Good luck in your decision.

[momraine]

I would not, but that is because I have younger children, and I already have four children. My youngest has RAD himself, but he is also a tiny thing and would easily fall victim to an older, larger child. He has come a long way but is not healed, and may never be, though I have not given up yet.
The other reason I would not is because there is not a good attachment therapist near me. There are no therapists of any kind closer than an hours drive. This would not be fair to a kid who needs attachment therapy. I have had to go two hours away for my son and still had to mostly do it on my own. It has not been easy and it has taken away from my other children. I would say take into consideration your family, how strong your marriage is. (cause the kid will play you against each other and he will be good. Really good at conning you and your husband and anyone else in your life) Is there an attachment therapist near you that you can get in to see? (they may have a waiting list or not take your insurance or not take medicaid or not be any good) Do you have a strong support system? You will need it. The only reason all the teachers at school don't think I am nuts is the previous relationships I had with some of them. Some still think I am nuts. I have lost some friends who don't beleive there is anything wrong with my son and think I am nuts. I even had my pastor tell me he didn't beleive there was anything wrong. The journey is worth it, but it has been hard.

[AmyAnne]

I wouldn't do it. But then I barely survived my RADlet when he was 7 and 8.

[aspenhall]

I agree with everyones questions here....

The question isn't can I parent a Rad kid?

It's, Can I monitor and police a RAD kid...at his age he'll be effective enough in his behaviors to block any attempt at parenting. I wouldn't expect him to be able to heal until well into adulthood if ever. You won't get any payoff for a long long time and when it comes it will be small. You'll be misunderstood and possibly ostracized by nearly everyone. You may have to homeschool....however, I also believe that some people are blessed with a divine gift to reach a previously unreachable person......but how big of an effect you may have isn't guaranteed......and you need to be aware of your "buttons" and be able to supress strong emotions. Rad kids are expert button finders, pushers and even creators. They zero in on your weaknesses like a heat seeking missile.

I have a 7 yr old dd, and wouldn't consider a 12 yr old RAD male personally....

[kburch]

In our case, we were placed with 9 and 10 y.o. boys with RAD (not diagnosed at placement), and the 10 y.o. had already gone through a disrupted adoptive placement. They are now 12 and 14 and doing better, but certainly not at a healthy attachment. So, it is not hopeless, but a lot of the decision depends on what else is going on with the kid, in my opinion.

Personally, I would not take a 12 y.o. RAD boy at the moment, as I already have one and would want the new kid to be a few years younger than my other kids, at least. I would say that (on my good days, anyway) I would consider it again in the future.

[DoYaReallyThink]

Well............ I can see I came to the right place! Thank you all for your responces and great wisdom! I am having doubts so I feel that is telling me not to try it. My boys are raised. We are going to foster to adopt. We have absolutely no experience with RAD what-so-ever.

[hydroxybutane]

No way! No way at all...

First all, I have 4 girls with sexual abuse history..so it's out of the question to have a young man older then them..

If we had no kids at all..nope. The resources in our city are not great, and we definitely have the makings of a RADish in S

I know me...I am a mother..I like to mother people..I like to take care of them..But I like the mothering feeling. With S, I'm faking it till I make it..she drives me NUTS some days..is she responding..well..sometimes..it's enough for me for now. She's 6...I wouldn't want to see her at 12...