[fishingwerks]

I am 30 years old, have been married to a wonderful woman, who is a better person than I am for about 8 years now. We have one child who is the apple of my eye. In an effort to follow what we felt that God was calling us to do (and my wife's passion) we adopted a routy deaf girl from china. It has been about a year, and I am so sad/frustrated/depressed/angry at myself and our situation. I am going to be blunt in such a way that I never would say out loud, in hopes of getting good advice: I HATE the situation. Our adopted child is waaaayyy more than I can handle. I hate having to come home because she is always there, being loud, hyper, disobeying, throwing fits, etc.

Yup - you guessed it, I am an absolutely horrible wretch of a person. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that God called us to this, but I would be lying if I said I would have still gone through with the adoption at all if I knew then what I know now. I just hate this. I hate it so much. I wake up, she is making noises. At meals, she is there, disobeying and being loud.

It has zapped me from wanting to spend any time with even my own bio child. My wife is experiencing agony, but nothing ... NOTHING like I am. She is happy with our decision ... I am NOT. My safe haven - my home - is only safe when they are gone, it seems.

Wow, I seem like a wuss and sorry excuse for a man. I know this ... please do not state the obvious if you intend to reply.

I can't imagine what our adopted child would be going through if we didn't "save" her from the orphanage, but man i'm just so drained and i cannot find anyway to energize myself.

What I am looking for is some advice and help on how to cope, how to deal. It is very dark where I am right now, and seems to only get darker. God bless you all who are willing to help. I look very forward to hearing from you all!!!!!!!!

[crick]

You say she's loud and she's also deaf, correct? Has she been to the audiologist and been fitted for hearing aids or Speech therapy etc? I'm just asking because being loud and deaf is a common element in certain ways because they have no idea how loud they sound to others.

So that being said...do you feel her behavior relates more to her being deaf or more to say attachment with you or anything else? For example, is she throwing fits because she's frustrated about not knowing what is going on or simply because she's not getting her way or in a rage?

Just trying to get a better feel for her actions and what if anything she's been tested for. Adhd, sensory or attachment etc.

Is she calmer with your wife and less so with you? Have a better/good bond with your wife? I think that's important because if she is attached to your wife, I wouldn't necessarily consider her a RAD child. Obviously sounds like she isn't bonded to you, but if she is bonded to your wife, that's a key element.

Don't feel bad for saying she's too much for you to handle. It doesn't make you a horrible person. What it makes you is a caring dad who wants to get help and have the same or similar relationship as you do with your son.

[lovemy6]

I have a kid with RAD whom I thought had healed, but is in his full RAD behaviors again, so I know how you feel. I told DH the same thing you said, just last week. I'm hating my life right now. It's so sad, bc we, *I*, have so much to offer, but this kid has a way of making me not even want to be in the same house as him. I just want to run away some times. He was placed with us six years ago. We had two years of h*)), then got an excellent attachment therapist and had a couple of good years. I'm not sure when things got bad again, bc I've been distracted dealing with healing my other kids.

Is there anyone who can take the child for respite so you and wife can have a weekend along once in a while? I know it won't solve your problems, but if the two of you can connect for a little bit, maybe that will help your mindset? Have you tried attachment therapy? I'm not even sure how you'd do that if she's completely deaf, since it's hard enough finding a therapist, let alone one who knows sign.

How old is your dd? How long has she been home?

I'm sorry I can't help. I'm there in the pits with ya. I'd be a hypocrit if I said much, since sometimes I feel so drained emotionally. Some kids'll do that to you. I hope someone here has some advice for you.

[chickymum]

Ok I saw you post this in a different spot and Lucy was right, here is a good place for you to be. Most of us here have moments when we feel like this.
How much do you know about attachment disorder? Getting a hold on understanding that is absolutly crucial!!!
I have a fantastic article that for me at first made me cry because for a long time I did not understand what our family was dealing with. Once I read this my eyes were opened to a real thing. Once I realized I was dealing with a real thing then it was easier to accept and move forward. Also I could begin to move forward because I realized that the horror we were experiencing was completly "normal" for the children who were in our home. Not to say that an understanding automatically makes everything better but its the first step.
I didn't feel so alone anymore and that helped a lot.
If you would like a copy of this article then let me know by pm because I do not have a link to it so I can't put it on here, I can only e-mail it. Many people here however have many amazing links to many sites that can help.
Is your family involved with therapists. You should be but be very certain you only deal with therapists that are experts in the attachment disorder feild. We have had general therapy before and it was a waste of time.
I hope that you can get some answers to help you along. You do have what sounds like an amazing wife. things would be a lot worse if she was not able to do this at this point. Make sure that she gets what she needs before she also becomes worn out.
Stick around on these boards there are so many on here that are a wealth of knowledge and support. I don't know how I got by without them.
Oh andnd stop beating yourself up.

[Howdy]

I can sympathize with your lack of desire to be at home with them. When I first started doing foster-to-adopt, I was so relieved to put the kid on the bus to go to school. I couldn't understand the other mom's who were sad to send their kids off in the morning. And, I am NOT a morning person, but I would get up at 4 AM so that I would have time to gird my armor (shower, eat, get totally dressed and ready) before the child would wake up.

There are lots of activities than can build attachment, and it sounds like you and your new child lack attachment to each other. Of course your child will have extra emotional needs than a normal child, but here is a quote from a book about just normal attachment:

"...attachment not only prepares a child to be taken care of, but also evokes the caregiving instincts in an adult. Training or education cannot do what attachment can do: trigger the instincts to take care of. Attachment also renders children more endearing than they otherwise would be. It increases our tolerance of the hardships involved in parenting and the unintentional abuse we may suffer in the process....When our children express by actions or words a desire to attach to us, it makes them sweeter and easier to take. There are hundreds of little gestures and expressions, all unconscious, that serve to soften us up and draw us near. We are not being manipulated by the child, we are being worked on by the forces of attachment, and for very good reason. Parenting involves hardship and we need something to make the burden a little bit easier to bear."

That quote is from 'Hold on to Your Kids' by Nuefeld and Mate. I don't recommend the book, but it has a few good spots.

[aspenhall]

I'm gonna agree with everyone here, and also refer you to the link in my signature line about Post Adoptive Depression. You are definately not alone....and I disbelieve ANYONE who adopts an older child that claims it's been bliss since day one.

You need to look at getting on some anti-depressants to take the edge off your anger (which is just fear that this will last forever)...

You also need to understand that although the rough spot will last a long time, it will eventually get better if you work on things the right way.

Stick around these boards so you won't feel so alone! And start reading everything you can on Love and Logic Parenting and also attachment based parenting stuff. Even if your dd isn't RAD (mine wasn't) you still need to promote attachment sooner than what would naturally occur at this age. At her gae, the natural bonding occurances mainly focus on maintaining an attachment already there, not creating one. Also, the best way to get through this is to FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT......stop telling yourself negative things....

I had to post a list of affirmations whenever I began panicking....I even set a timer and made a routine of giving my dd a hug every hour, telling her I loved her and then going in my room and reciting the affirmations...
things like:
This won't last forever
I am making a difference
I will feel differently in the future
This is normal
I'm ok

I dreaded the sound of my dd's voice at first too...my heart still doesn't bound with joy, but the more I held firm ion my boundaries, the ore she began to respect them, and the more I began to have to be proud of her for....and I truly love her, but it's small and growing. I use to contemplate leaving or setting up an "accidental death" to remove myself from the scenario....that's when I got on Wellbutrin and was able to get some "me" time....Hubby had no problem dealing with it all, it was only me...so it was a reall godsend to find this group. EVERY SUCCESS I'VE HAD AS A PARENT I OWE TO THESE GUYS....

We haven't ever once needed a therapist for my dd....I did it all myself with the help of everyone here...and someday when she's older and we deal with the bigger issues that she's not so aware of, maybe we'll go to therapy, but right now things are good, better than I'd ever imagined possible in those first few months...

[Lorraine123]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

There have been times I have dreaded waking up in the morning because it meant another day with my child. I too was filled with guilt. But these children have a way of doing this.

I would suspect the real issue is attachment. Do some research on attachment disorder, if you have not already. You have the ability to bond. You said it yourself - your other child is the apple of your eye. This child is pushing you away with her behaviors.

Are you seeing a therapist? I would recommend it highly. Without our therapists, I could not have made it through the past 5 years. They have taught me how to cope with the behaviors and how to deal with them. And yes - you can learn to deal with them. There was a point where I couldn't stand to be in the room with her and now I am a stay at home, home schooling mom. I'm not saying its easy - but you can learn techniques.

Remember - many kids are loud, hyper, have tamtrums. But the attachment disordered ones push our buttons.

Find an attachment therapist. It will save your family.

[fishingwerks]

great advice, thanks! A therapist would be good, I guess but I am afraid of the cost. What are you all paying for such sessions, and how often?

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by fishingwerks

great advice, thanks! A therapist would be good, I guess but I am afraid of the cost. What are you all paying for such sessions, and how often?

We were paying $80 an hour. Most sessions were at least two hours long and we went weekly. I emailed and phoned our AT and he never charged for that. Fortunately, Post Adoption Services paid for our AT. Most insurances don't, from what I've been told.

[dpen6]

As a mother, an adoptee and as a person I just want to tell you all that my respect for the enregy and time you all put into adopting these children, then come her to get the help and support you need to continue to do it amazes me .

I can not offer you any advice because I don't know but I can offer you my respect and thoughts that you will get to a place that you and your family will feel whole.

[fritzi]

I was so there! We got three kiddos in June 2007 and for the longest time I hated them. I just wanted them to go away and leave me alone. I could barely find an iota of compassion for them because I was so angry and hating them so much. I believed it was the worst decision I'd ever made. After about two months I had to go on antidepressents. I didn't want to, I had worked so hard to get a handle on my issues! But I had to and they helped enormously. I didn't go into that "hole" and as I improved my relationship with my kids improved.
They are really challenging. They were tremendously neglected as well as abused and drug exposed. But they are getting better as we work with their behaviors. And I'm able to know that whatever is going on-it will change sooner or later. I don't feel so stuck and I'm able to see their improvement.
Your whole life has changed and you've brought this unpleasant, demanding and difficult person into your home. There is a reason most people would not even consider raising anyone who they didn't get as an infant. Throw in deafness and probably neglect....that's alot of work.
I also prayed alot during that time.....I still do but now I'm feeling gratitude because I love these kids and we are truly becoming a family-warts and all.
Hang in there!

[crick]

I know a lot of people will suggest attachment therapy however, since she is bonding with your wife (it appears?) I really would address the hearing and communication situation as a first priority. Bonding techniques can easily be added to speech therapy or other communication therapy she needs. Without the ability to communicate, her fears and frustration are even higher and no amount of attachment therapy is going to be as effective if she can't communicate.

You stated on another post that you can communicate somewhat, so that suggests to me a need for more intervention in this area and since it affects not only her relationship with you, but her entire future, it really is important to address, imo.

You can play sign games with her which will do 2 things..improve communication AND help facilitate bonding. The less frustrated and scared she is on not being able to communicate, the more she'll be able to tackle other things, imo.

How old is she? And have you considered a Children's Hospital program for testing/sign/communication therapy at all?

[specialk4b]

How old is your child? How long have you been home from China?

Attachment is a two-way street. Your daughter needs to build an attachment to her and she needs to build an attachment to you. My son really didn't want much to do with me at first. He rejected me, kicking, biting scratching. That made it really hard for me to like him a whole lot. I agree with the "fake it til you make it" strategy. It's hard though. Our strategy was to make me the fun parent. I gave him food, toys and candy when he got it. I bought him ice cream. His daddy (who he loved), did all the dirty work - gave him medicine, and made him behave. He learned that Mama was kinda fun and that was the start of our bonding. We played games that forced eye contact like putting stickers on each other's nose and forehead. We co-slept, allowing him to have body contact and have my prescence and smell around him.

As Crick said, there may be an element of communication frustration involved. Giving her ways to communicate, such as sign language or pointing at things in picture books may really help with the loud or angry behavior.

Attachment is hard work, but it is sooooo worth it.

[lucyjoy]

I agree that addressing the hearing/communication issue is a priority.

However, the beginnings of attachment therapy, besides assessment of the child, are geared to helping the parents understand what's happening, helping them know how to respond to it, and quite frankly, for many parents, makes them feel less crazy and responsible for the problem. They also help the parents know what to do to facilitate attachment.

If it were me, I'd make the hearing appointments and start the process of finding a good attachment therapist.

[AmyAnne]

My husband went through the same thing. It did not make him less of a man, or a bad man. I have been through the same thing as well, those days where I began harboring fantasies that I would wake up and it was a dream.

I agree about attachment therapy. It worked wonders. You may also consider going on an antidepressant for awhile... my husband did that and it helped greatly. He is no longer on it and doing fine.