[Tudu]

The have finally driven me to the point I sobbed. I felt unable to control my voice, my feelings, and my body. No one was hurt but it is only b/c I put them on the back porch. Please understand I would never hurt my children physically but I needed space from 5 of them. This was the second time in 2 years that I got to the point I had to separate myself from them. I did have a point to why they were on the porch but first I will tell you about what brought me to that point.

I am back to having sleeping issues again. It has been a life long issue and I have had it under control for about a year. All of the sudden it is way out of wack again and I panic all night that it will go on forever and the Melatonin won't work anymore. I made the mistake of telling the kids to be quiet in the morning and let me sleep until 8 or so. I put a TV in their rooms for them to watch cartoons on the weekends only. Ava decided she would irritate them until they had to tell me. This was at 7:00 so I got 3 hours of sleep. Patches broke the shelf on the fridge I just sold and asked her to wipe off the outside of it. She hid it and didn't tell me. Now I am sure they guy will want his money back. I need the money. Ella is so determined to be a victim she makes up things so she can be pitiful. I know it sounds silly but it is extremely frustrating dealing with her in this area. Overall they were their usual selves until my son flipped out and attacked me like he used to b/c I asked him to put something in the laundry room. I had to hold him for what seemed like forever. I became upset and just let him go. He was so shocked he didn't move.

I ran to my room and cried. I never do this. I feel like I have control over our home and their issues. They just don't get to me, they can act like crazy people and I have never taken it personally before. I know alot of it is I am tired and miss my DH. I came out a few minutes later and only Emma asked what was wrong. No one else cared. They were just as demanding and selfish as usual. I lasted maybe 5 minutes and I flipped out myself. I screamed a bunch of stuff about how wonderful I knew they could be, I am tired of being the only one who cares about anyone, I am not their maid or punching bag, I am tired of wasting all my energy on the kids acting out and little on the kids behaving, and something to the effect of, "If you can't act like you care get out on the porch and come in when you can figure out what you can do to be a productive member of this family." Not my best moment, I know.

Emma and Cyr had not done anything wrong so were exempt from my tirade. Two came in within seconds to apologize and give me their plan. They were great plans and heart felt. The other 3 stayed out there for over 3 hours. They peed on the porch, kicked the house, tried to break the windows, tried to tear up the porch board by board, and screamed. Inside we watched a movie, ate a great lunch, and had a treat all in their line of sight. Eventually they came in one by one and we discussed their plan and mine. They have been half heartedly doing chores since. I feel a bit better and have over heard all of them except the 3 doing chores actually making the changes they promised. They are picking up their toys, being attentive to each other's feelings, gone out of their way to do nice things for me, and have been fun to be around. I am not thinking for a second all their crap is finished but it was nice they pulled it together so I could catch my breath. I feel like dirt about blowing up. I couldn't help it, it has been coming a long time but I feel like maybe they deserve a bit of screaming once every couple of years. Please tell me you all lose it, too.

[greenrobin]

It's really hard to be a single married mom. I did it when dh was a marine--and I only had one little person out of 3 who had issues!

You're doing fine. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes. And honestly, I agree with you: sometimes they need to see that they've just gone too far. It caught their attention, even if only for a little while.

Stop beating yourself up, have some chocolate and breathe. Really, you're doing fine.

[ECDGA]

Dear Todu,
As a fellow Mom to six, I can guarantee you that everybody loses it and has their own not so shining moments. Our situations are reversed--we have 5 bio and 1 foster. Am I correct in remembering that your one son is adopted and the other children are foster? Sometimes I feel like the only time they listen is when I do lose it. I am tired of being the only one around here that knows how to flush the darn toilet. It is overwhelming enough dealing with the loads of laundry, the housework, the cooking and the shopping, the homework. I know I can stop now, I am talking death to a corpse!
Having so many children with difficult life situations must be so daunting. I think that you were extremely forgiving of the three that took so long to come around.
Where is your dh? Will he be home soon?
Insomnia is awful, I am so sorry that you are having difficulties sleeping. As if you don't need every minute that you can get!
I know that you are a wonderful mother through reading your posts over the last few years. Hang in there! Don't be too hard on yourself. And maybe those doggone kids will pay attention and learn from this.

[ECDGA]

And yikes, I miscounted--you have seven. And not much of an age gap. GOD BLESS YOU,WOMAN!!!

[momraine]

I too have lost it more than once. No time for details tonight, but trust me i have lost it too.

[lucyjoy]

Tudu-

My mama use to tell me she liked the spring when all the windows were open and you could here all the other mothers yelling at their kids too.

Cut yourself some slack. I have yelled at my kids and gone to my room and slammed the door to avoid yelling at them. I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel guilty. I give myself(and you) permission to be human. Is it a great parenting technique? NO, but it won't kill them either.

I think it's good for them to see that they can't keep treating people badly and expect niceness. The real world doesn't work that way.

Since I have 2 extreme ODD kids, if I have to put them in a room or outside, I would tell them to stay there until they had a plan or I'd get them when I had one. Then suggest they come up with one first. That gives me an out cause I have kids that would stay there a month rather then give in. Glad yours didn't.

So, forgive yourself and enjoy the fun kids.

[Indy]

I have blown up before. It is almost as if the boys do not believe I am serious unless I am yelling. Its' almost if they ignore me unless I raise my voice.

I just looked at your age spread...you will be where I am at in 10 years. And I will be retired living in an RV driving around America.

[cris73]

I also have had problems sleeping. The one thing that I found that helps is Natural Calm. If you havent heard of it , it is a magnesium supplement that you can get at your health store. Take it before bed. It doesnt knock you out but it relaxes you so that you can go to sleep.You can take it along with your melatonin and it helps alot. Make sure that you get natural calm though and not the magnesium pills, they dont work as well.
Sorry I dont have any advice about the kids , but I dont think that you did anything wrong.

[Tudu]

Thank you so much, I just felt terrible about it. I knew this was going to be a hard weekend b/c my DH just left and their parents are being charged for abusing them. I fed them Little Debbies and milk for dinner (we had a huge salad around 3:30 so they weren't hungry and I thought it would be a silly dinner) and sent them to bed 30 minutes early. Too bad I can't sleep, too.

[MomwithFive]

(((Hugs)))

[kay]

Tudu,
You're a great mom, and losing it once in awhile doesn't negate that! Hoping that you can get some solid catch-up sleep soon. ((((Hugs))))

[aspenhall]

I actually don't see anything wrong with what you did....

In fact I think I'd have done that sooner...I realize if I let it seem as if I'm "losing it" FAR SOONER than when I actually am ready to lose it, then I can control the "act" I put on, and think clearly, I maintain my emotional "well" and DD gets the VERY lcear message that a severe boundary has been crossed and won't be tolerated.

The key is to do this much sooner than when your actual breaking point occurs...this establishes your "breaking point" where you want their worst behavior to max out at.

My dd thinks I will tolerate FAR LESS than I actually can tolerate...but she will push me to that point everytime, so I simply MOVED THE BREAKING LIMIT, so that I wasn't emotionally drained everytime she pushed that far. Pretty soon she adjusted what she dared try to get away with and it was at an acceptable level for me to manage it.

[AmyAnne]

I would have likely done the same thing, Tudu and I only have the one kid. On those days when you don't have enough sleep and they want to push the limits, it's just a bad combination. You could have done SO MANY worse things than tell them to go sit on the porch. I know you don't like the choice you made, but that doesn't make you a bad Mom at ALL. In fact it was better to get them away from you before you said or did something hurtful... because we all have the breaking point whether we care to admit it or not.

[tybeemarie]

Oh, my dear Tudu, you are a real novice in the ways of losing it. I am afraid what you did doesn't cut it in terms of losing it, but I know your remorse and guilt are genuine. Please forgive yourself. I do think the kids have to see that you are human. It is overwhelming as it is to have to be confronted with a loving parent, which they are absolutely certain they don't deserve, but a loving parent that NEVER loses it or gets angry? Well, my gosh, how are they to live up to THAT?

Tudu, *I* cannot live up to your standard of kindness. Now, I have been around the block a few times, and I know that 98% of humankind is also not as kind as you, so while I would really, really like to be at your level, I am not going to beat myself up for not being there and not having a shot at getting there. But they must be very intimidated by your incredible self-command, your amazing capacity for love, your sense of humor and intelligence.

Our AT has told me that my oldest places me on a pedestal and feels she is not worthy to be my daughter. I find this almost impossible to believe, given my multitudinous and manifest sins, but there you have it. If this is true for ME, it has GOT to be true for you!

At any rate, I can say with some confidence that not a day goes by that I don't look at one of my reactions to my children and think, "Well, you could have handled that better." But most of the time, I do pretty well, and of course, very few people would be willing to even attempt what I am doing, and fewer still would be willing to do what you are doing. My kids, and yours, are making progress, which would not be possible if we were bad parents. It's VERY difficult to help these kids heal. Our kids' movement towards health really is a miracle and is an indication we're doing something right.

Now, our love and self-discipline and structure and creativity do not, by any means, guarantee that they will heal. Sadly, as we know all too well, some very loved children who have very skillful, dedicated parents, end up in RTC's and jails, etc. Which makes our kids movement toward health all the more amazing, and a good indication that we are doing good work.

You are a WONDERFUL mother, and your children are BEYOND blessed to have you and your husband as parents. I don't know where your DH is, but single parenting with these kids is an unmitigated nightmare--when I go on mom vacations, almost every time we have a grandmother or even a grandmother and grandfather to come cover for me. And sleep deprivation is an absolute killer.

I would advocate yoga as a good response to sleeplessness that you can do in your house at little expense. There are some great DVD's out there that show you what to do, and you can probably get some from your library or blockbuster. I would also check out different herbs for sleeplessness--maybe some valerian tea?

Keep us posted. We care about you.

[mrsred]

Does screaming "I can't take this one nano-second longer", grabbing the keys and heading out the door (dh was home), then driving down the road screaming at the top of my lungs to the point that today I only have half a voice count as losing it?
Okay, yeah, I thought so. Then, yes, I have lost it.

I did at least turn around and come home within half an hour, say prayers and tuck everyone in.