[wenrl]

Hi Guys!

Long time no write! I just noticed I haven't visited these forums in two years! I'm glad to see so many familiar faces still and I'm back wiser, stronger, more experienced and needier than ever. LOL

Things have been going so-so with our family. We have two girls who are in the first stages of puberty. Our youngest will be 10 on Friday and our oldest will be 12 in September. Our youngest is not really attached, but easy to deal with because she is happy, loves school, tries to follow rules most of the time and is adored by teachers and friends. Our oldest steals everything that will fit in her pockets or down her pants, is furious, hates everyone, will seriously go to any extreme to avoid homework and blames everyone else for all her own actions.

Anyway... oldest is teetering on the edge of something. Although she is nearly 12, she is having major tantrums almost every morning. She is a really pissed off 107 lb 2 year old. She used to at least be more private about it, but she threw an attitude at my work -- I work in the arts and it was a concert I took them to. She flips out at school, although not to the same degree as at home. My partner's mother is visiting and providing some respite and oldest always plays the little darling around her, but no more. Although grandma has done nothing but take them out for meals and movies, buy them more candy than we would ever let them look at, bought them stacks of books and DVD's, oldest poured ice cream and milk on her homework when grandma asked her to do it and decided to move furniture and play house party at 1am over grandmas's bedroom. She told grandma she acts like she does because we don't give her money and yell at her. When grandma didn't appreciate any of this, oldest decided grandma is rude and she hates her anyway. She stuck notes all over her room about how mean grandma is. She has since trashed her room and spent hours screaming at the top of her lungs every profanity she can imagine and how much she hates us. Last night she smashed a hole through her wall and threw a chair into her bedroom mirror, shattering it in a million pieces. While cleaning it up, she hid some of the pieces in her bed. Whether she was planning to cut herself, one of us or just being weird, we don't know. We also found a stash of clothes, toys and a Bible (of all things!) she had stollen from her sister.

We think the time is coming where she may need to spend some time in an institution of some sort. We're going to talk about this with our therapist, but I wonder where lines have been drawn for others who have been here. What is the point at which a higher level of care is needed? Do we need to wait for her to actually do something life threatening or is the stealing, lying, blaming, screaming, breaking and hording cause enough? She really needs something more than we are able to provide right now, but I don't know if it's time to call in the forces.

[PabloandCarlosMama]

Has she had any prior hospitalizations for her behavior?

Maintaining safety in your home is your first priority, and if you aren't able to keep her safe, then you should talk with her therapist about a plan of action. And also trust your instincts, because you know your daughter and your family better than anyone else.

There are others on the board who've had more experience than I have, but I wanted to share part of our story with you in case it might be helpful.

When I adopted my 11 year old son and his younger brother last year, he began a dangerous, downward cycle, and I couldn't keep any of us safe. I called the crisis line, and the police. He was taken to the children's psychiatric ward, and stayed there for a couple of weeks while his condition became more stable. During that time, I had big concerns over his discharge, because he was still very, very sick. He came home for one day, and entered a day treatment program at the same hospital, and bounced out the same day after having violent, screaming episode with staff.

After that, he went back into the hospital for another three weeks, and the psychiatrist and social worker agreed that he would benefit from residential treatment. They try to use the least restrictive means of care, so residential treatment is viewed as a last or extreme result. When I visited the treatment facility, there was no doubt in my mind that they could give him structure and care that I couldn't give him in a regular home environment. He has responded well there, and while we have a long way to go, I believe that his therapy is going to save his life, and it is already helping him connect with our family in a way that is safe for all of us.

Best of luck to you. It's a very scary and painful thing to have to consider for your child, but it can also be a gift toward more healing and growth.

[aMarylandfamily]

Please know you are not alone - many who follow this board have or are handling alot of the same issues you post about.

Determining when residential services may be necessary is a difficult spot to be in ... from the sounds of things, I see signs of on-set bi-polar disorder evolving in a rapid cycular motion ... and do know once they have reached a level of anger they often cannot control or do not understand what actions occurred (often referred to as dissassociative) - doesn't make it excusable - just have to obtain treatment to learn how to handle. Medications in this instance will be a blessing - although major monitoring and testing until you get the right combination is required, it does make a difference in the chemical inbalance in the brain associated with this disorder. There is life with this disorder with treatment!

To start, I hope that you are logging all behaviors, tantrums, etc. to identify a pattern of behaviors and secondly when she enters this rage do call the police (hardest call you will ever make the first time) and/or have her transported to ER for evaluation "out of control pre-teen" "danger to self/others" ... the first one or even two or three times they will send her home with a lecture and recommendation for treatment (therapy/medication) but you will need this history to warrant residential services. Do not under any circumstances underestimate the violence in the behaviors she has exhibited!

My next question is "are these girls finalized" ... if so, does your subsidy agreement accommodate need for extensive services if ever needed ... if they are not finalized, the agency holding custody should be contacted immediately and evaluation for additonal services be requested ... if they are, you need to contact the agency and determine what assistance they will be providing in funding, locating a placement (these aren't always easy to find especially at her age) and whether or not they will be providing further assistance for step down programs ... lots of questions I know ...

Before I write forever - I will submit this and let you send back questions ... as said - many of us have or have had kids in rtc and have been in your shoes - it hurts and yet at the same time there is relief at knowing she will be getting help your family may not be able to provide in a family environment at this time and that you are not alone .... we are here to help -

[wenrl]

That was very helpful. I've been worried maybe we are just in over our heads and not handling things well enough or that doing anything else is like giving up or copping out.

Your reply puts this into a new perspective that it could be helpful to her and us.

We have contacted our therapist to see what she suggests.

Thank you!