[chucklebelly]

We have been chosen as a match for a 12 year old girl, and are about to move into the "information sharing" phase. I would love some advice about what questions to ask.

I know the process is different everywhere, so here's a little background. We have completed the parent prep training and homestudy process. We were officially approved in November 2007. Last week we were contacted by our SW to say that they have a potential match for us. We have been given a fair bit of information about her and had many of our questions answered. We feeling pretty positive about the match and are ready to move on to the next step where we are declared an official match and are able to get more detailed information. We will be able to view all her records and talk to the people involved in her life (foster parents, teacher, SW, etc). If that all goes well we would move on to making a placement plan.

She has just turned 12, and has been in foster care for 4 years in 2 different homes (placement disrupted because of 'personal issues' of the foster parents, unrelated to the children in their care). We have not yet been given the details surrounding her removal from her home, but we know that she experienced significant neglect. There is no record of her ever suffering physical or sexual abuse. They say there are no attachment concerns with her, and the SW reports that she has formed a healthy attachment to her foster mother of 2 years.

She enjoys school, and is in grade 6 in a specialized school program for children with 'mild to moderate cognitive delays'. Her IQ has tested as below average (in the 70s), although that surprised her worker who thought it would be higher. She reads at about a grade 2 level, and is making progress in all her subjects. She is said to be friendly and easygoing, with no behavior issues of any kind. The only behavior they could report was that when she moved foster homes there was initially some minor lying and stealing while she tested the boundaries.

She would be our first child, but we do have experience with special needs children. We have provided respite care one weekend a month for the past 3 years for 2 children (age 10 & 11) adopted from the foster care system. They are in a similar educational program and have some behavioral and attachment issues. So while we are rookie parents, we definitely don't have rose colored glasses on.

What other information should I be getting?

[chickymum]

The fact that the worker was surprised at her iq score is possibly a red flag. There was not much that the worker told me that was actually correct in our adoption. In fact there were papers that appeared later that were not present in the file for our child. Important informative papers. Not saying that is the case with you but just be careful that the worker knows what they are talking about.
I would talk to as many teachers as you can because they are a very neutral party. Ask about behaviours that they have seen because not all get reported.
How long has she been in the present foster home? In our experience full behavioual issues have not show up until almost a year of the kids living with us. Find out when her neglect started and how severe it was because again, just our experience, but it seems a tiny bit strange that there would be no attachment issues at all.
My biggest advice though is just to be prepared for anything. All info doesn't always come out.
Good luck and congratulations. This is such an exciting time for you!!!

[Kansas Girl]

This is a fairly comprehensive list - I cannot take credit for it as I saved it off a posting on the Foster Care forum some time ago. This is a good time to repost it in a more recent posting. There may be some duplication of questions.

-how many placements has the child(ren) had?
-if siblings, are they placed together, and have they always been placed together - if not, why?
-why isn't the foster family adopting them? -extended family?
-copies of birth records
-records of any psychological or educational testing
-copies of last report cards
-what do they think about being adopted?
-relationships between siblings? how do they play together? how do they resolve their differences?
-how do they behave when they are tired or hungry?
-what is the worst behavior the foster parents have ever seen?
-relationships with dad vs. mom - is it easier for them to get along with one parent over the other one?
-what have the children said about their birthparents and the time they spent in the birth home?
-how are their relationships with their peers, at school and in the neighborhood?
-how do they behave towards authority figures (besides parents) - teachers, etc.
-how are they with pets?

1. Environment/background/care

• Why is this child not living with their biological parents?
• How old was the child when they came into care?
• Biological family medical background?
• What is known about the birth parents?
• What has the child been told about their bio family?
• What was the last contact with them?
• Any continued contact with friends, family members, etc?
• Number of previous placements?
• Why did the child have to move?
• Has the child shown ability to bond with care giver? Teacher? Other children in the home?
• Can we speak to current/previous care givers?
• Cultural background?
• Religious affiliation?

2. Functioning in the family

• How have they adjusted to this home?
• How do they handle routine expectations / chores?
• How are they about expressions of affection, about touching?
• Do they prefer men to women, women to men?
• How do they take care of possessions?
• How well do they get along with other children in the household?
• Do they prefer same age, younger or older play mates?
• What is a typical day like for them?
• What type of discipline works best for them?
• What doesn't work for them?
• What problems have occurred at home that you feel we should be aware of and how did you handle them?
• Have there been any behaviors such as wetting the bed, aggression, terrible nightmares etc.

3. Self

• What kinds of feelings does the child have about themselves?
• How does the child handle failure, stress, happiness, anger, pain, anxiety?
• Is the child aggressive towards caregivers or other children?
• What strengths does the child have?
• Does the child have a nickname?
• How well do they communicate?
• Can they talk about their feelings?
• Are there specific things they are afraid of?
• How do they handle these fears?
• What is their experience with animals (dogs, cats, etc.)?

4. Interests/Play

• What do they like to do with their spare time?
• Play alone or with others?
• What kind of play do they avoid?
• Special interests, favorite toys, favorite TV shows?
• Specific likes/dislikes?
• Any sports or organized activities?

5. School

• Academically, are they strong, average, weak?
• How well do they get along with teacher, other kids?
• Any areas of concern or struggle?
• IEP in place? If so, why?
• Learning disorders?

6. Medical

• How is the child's physical and emotional health?
• Physical health – shots up-to-date?
• Regular dental care?
• Hearing/vision status, need glasses?
• Allergies?
• On any medications?
• Doctor's name and phone?
• Any on-going medical issues?

7. Developmental Levels

• Developmental levels

– Social/emotional
– Cognitive
– Gross motor, fine motor
– Adaptive

• Psychological diagnosis?
• Neurological diagnosis?
• Is the child in therapy? How often?
• Therapist's name and phone?
• What has the child been told regarding sex?
• Any sexual acting out? If so, how/when does it occur?

8. Eating Routines

• Are there any feeding difficulties, table problems?
• Is the child a picky eater?
• Eating habits changed?
• Likes/Dislikes?

9. Sleeping Routines

• Bed wetting? Nightmares? Sleepwalk?
• Bed time routine? Difficult to get to sleep?
• Sleep with a special object?

10. Self Care

• Dress themselves, pick out clothing?
• Bathe themselves, tooth brushing, hair care?

11. Adoption Issues

• What does the child understand about adoption? Foster care?
• Has the child mentioned what they would like in a family?
• Has the child been told about adoption and what that would mean to their situation?
• When it is time to move the child, are there any items that you may already know we will need to have in our home? (Items like bikes, scooters, toys, etc.)
• Is there anything you would like to know about us to help you prepare the child when the time comes?

congratulations - and good luck!

[chucklebelly]

This is great information! We have the answers to some of these questions already, but there are many more of them we still need to ask.

As for attachment, I shouldn't have said that we were told that she has no issues. More accurately, they said that they do not have concerns about her ability to form healthy attachments, as she has bonded well with her current foster mother. She has completed a grief and loss therapy program and the psychologist felt that she dealt with her losses appropriately.

We're pretty excited and are trying very hard to evaluate the situation objectively so we don't rush into anything we are unprepared for.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Those questions posted are the ones I used for adopting my son. Not only ask the SW, but ensure you get to talk with the current foster mom or parents. They will be able to provide you a great deal of information. Good luck!

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by Mkuhlmann06

Those questions posted are the ones I used for adopting my son. Not only ask the SW, but ensure you get to talk with the current foster mom or parents. They will be able to provide you a great deal of information. Good luck!

thanks, Mkuhlmann06 - it's a great list of questions!

[Michele81]

I felt a sense of deja vu reading your post - we were in the exact same spot last year - same age, supposed cognitive limitations, & no real RAD behaviors. Long story short - our dd is now in an RTC because of physical violence towards me (no admitted history of this anywhere, which is pretty hard to believe). We love her to tears & are hoping she'll be able to come home in time, but PLEASE, please, please use the great above questions & be point-blank when asking them. This has nothing to do with the above, but I remember inquiring about one child whose profile stated that she wanted to be a veterinarian - turns out she had severe behavioral problems, cognitive limitations, and really no chance of ever reaching such a lofty goal. The message of your rose-colored glasses is a good one, but it's so much harder not to put them on once you meet the initially well-behaved child.

Good luck with whatever choice you make. I may sound sort-of negative but, although I didn't plan for this type of child, I truly believe we were put together for a good purpose!

[kay]

The red flag that leaps out at me is the "(placement disrupted because of 'personal issues' of the foster parents, unrelated to the children in their care)."
I learned the hard way (also with a girl about that age) to ask some hard questions about the "not her fault, she just kept getting moved" type statements. Could be true, heaven knows there are enough horror stories in these kids' lives that her being moved really could have had nothing to do with her or her behavior. And a lot of times there's no way to get at the truth. But I'd just be really careful if a worker were telling me that the former parents "had problems, but there won't be any for you."

The questions others have given are terrific. Good luck as you pursue this!

[chucklebelly]

I am definitely planning to get some more information about the move from the previous foster home, but the explanation I got so far didn't raise any red flags for me. I was told that all the children in the foster home were moved, not just J. I asked if this was due to something happening that I should be concerned about (abuse, neglect, etc.) and was told no. Reading between the lines of what the SW said, I got the impression that it was a medical issue for the foster parent that made the move neccessary.

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by chucklebelly

I am definitely planning to get some more information about the move from the previous foster home, but the explanation I got so far didn't raise any red flags for me. I was told that all the children in the foster home were moved, not just J. I asked if this was due to something happening that I should be concerned about (abuse, neglect, etc.) and was told no. Reading between the lines of what the SW said, I got the impression that it was a medical issue for the foster parent that made the move neccessary.

I agree with the others on this disruption - be very careful. Plus, no matter who's "fault" it is, it's still a disruption, and the child does not escape unscathed from the rejection/abandonment - it still creates another trauma for the child.

R's disruptions (two) were described by caseworkers as "not his fault".....as we've gotten to know him over the years and worked through therapy we know now that his behavior was a factor (maybe not the only one, but still a factor) in the disruptions.

good luck!
Fran

[aMarylandfamily]

While you may have been told there is no concern to the reasoning behind the "disruption" of placement of not only this child but all the children in the home - it may not have been direct abuse, neglect, etc. of this child but if another child in the home was turning in false allegations of abuse (i.e. even just verbal) by the foster parents to the state for whatever reason - sabotage of placement - then all of the children would have been removed ... and as an above poster noted this child may not have severe residual effects - the insecurity of placement will be in place ... as well as knowledge on how to work the system in order to gain control ... so you will have to be on guard for all aspects of the good and bad ...

Edited to add one more thought ... and not to discredit your thinking or even abilities - please note if a home is closed due to medical reasons of the parents - that is provided easily and readily ... not given to assumption.

Whoever thinks this journey is easy it is not - even with the most uncomplicated of situations!

[skirbo]

I don't know about caseworkers, but I love B's former and M's current therapist (they were in the same program, M's still in it). She's so honest. M has had 24 placements in the last two years and every single time moving has been her fault, not the FP.

Therapist thinks she has to have the chaos of moving and not being comfortable. Told her my house was loud and chaotic because of the pets, so maybe she wouldn't feel the need to create any additional chaos. I can hope anyway lol.

Good luck! Assume the worst and hope for the best. If you can get a meeting with her therapist before making a decision, DO IT!

Sarah

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by skirbo

Therapist thinks she has to have the chaos of moving and not being comfortable.

this is so true!!! Creating chaos because that's where life was comfortable was a big problem with R!

Fran

[mrsred]

Originally Posted by skirbo

Iold her my house was loud and chaotic because of the pets, so maybe she wouldn't feel the need to create any additional chaos. I can hope anyway lol.

Sarah

Ah, but it is amazing how much more chaos one child can bring. I sort of figured the same thing. Three kids already here, two adhd, one of those with ODD, one intermittent rage disorder and who knows what else... so when we bring in one more littler one, that had only had two previous foster placements, we figured No Big Deal. Ha ha on us. It is amazing how much more chaos a four year old can pack with her. And she sounds like a cake walk compared to your M. Good luck. If you can handle this, more power to you!

[aspenhall]

I think my 4 yr old could have scared most any teen....

She scared most adults....

In fact I think Indy and Mike have the right idea...maybe they're keeping something from those of us who have adopted toddlers....