[jojobear]

I have a son who was placed with us at 17 months old and is now turning 6.
He has been dx RAD,OCD,PDD-NOS,ODD,ADHD,FAS,SI, Speech delay, developmental delay, learning disability.

When we adopted him we were advised it would be a good thing to keep him an only child or to make him the youngest child in our home. We fostered for a little bit after we got him and before adoption was finalized in 05, he didn't do so well with others staying in the home, but does awesome with his cousins.

How many of you went on and adopted more children? or
Did you follow the advice of others and just adopt the one?

We want to do what is best for him. He has made a lot of progress in some areas. other areas not so well. I am just curious about this.

Thanks
Jody

[aMarylandfamily]

Glad to hear that things are going well with your ds especially in light of all the diagnoses you identify ... while rewarding am sure you encounter many day-to-day challenges!

Whether or not to add more children is a natural question - you acknowledge he hasn't done well with other foster children in the home yet does great with cousins ... cousins are not a threat to him nor his security - he can see they have families in place and can emotionally allow them to be part of him without fear ... hoping that makes sense ... even though he was a young placement he may feel the unsettledness other kids in the house cause and/or may have heard horror stories from those ...

Hope this helps - doesn't mean you can't - just means you would have to work hard to make another placement work and he would have to be part of it all and the transition would have to be gradual so as to establish the security that would remain intact no matter what.

[Kansas Girl]

For more serious issues, especially attachment issues, what I have read is one lap per child is a good guide.

We have one son who is now 16 (adopted when he was 9). I always wanted more - not having more is a huge sadness in my life. Our attachment therapist has urged us to not get any more kids until he is out of the house, not from the angle of him hurting other kids or being a bad influence (he's actually very good around younger children), just that he indeed needs all our one-on-one attention. I have fought that every way I can (on not getting more kids) but as my son gets older, 1) I can see that he does need all our attention, and 2) I don't think I can handle the abuse (call it for what it is!) from another child - I know my husband can't. R is not a jealous child - he's just had way too many abandonments in his life and is extremely anxious. Any milestone in a child's life (i.e. puberty, turning 18, etc) can trigger more issues - regression or new issues.

Some may criticize this question - do you truly want to help the child you already have succeed? If you "share" your time and attention with another child will he still have the same chance to succeed? (my definition of success is staying out of jail and having healthy relationships) If not, then he should be an only, or you should wait until he is much older. We started out with R and his sister and had to disrupt on his sister because of sis physically abusing R (and found out more later!). They were both a handful, and the competition for mom's lap (R was 9, sis was 10) was incredible. Even after sis was gone from our house, R has been a handful, even with some top-notch attachment therapy.

I would pay attention to his reaction to the other foster children - that's real. That's kids encroaching on his mom & dad territory. The cousins aren't always there (nor do they belong to mom & dad) so they aren't a threat, so he can get along with them.

good luck!

Fran

[jojobear]

I knew my answer before I even asked. I know that sounds weird but in my heart of hearts i knew the answer and have been perfectly content with just M. However as it nears my birthday I think back and wonder if one more would be nice, Someone for M, to not be an only child.

However I know I could no way shape or form take any time away from M. He is still too needy. It is also exausting to us(husband and I) with work and "normal" day to day life.

I just am tired of answering, "You guys are so good with children, Why don't you have any more?" Most of the families that ask us that couldn't last a day or more with M.

Thanks for your words. It is nice to know their are other people out there that go through the same thing.

Jody

[Empty_Nest]

If we had it to do over again, much as we loved the five sibs we added after the first three, we'd have stopped after the third one. The first two were easy with no issues. The third one had major issues we were too ignorant to recognize. Adding the last five pushed her over the edge. I look back and have to wonder how differently all our lives would have turned out if we had stopped with her and would have had more time and other resources to focus on her.

I know how hard it is to say no to another one or two. Ours are all grown and gone now, and we're contemplating another adoption. We know we could stretch to take two, so have to keep reminding ourselves of all the reason just one would probably be best for us at this point.

[aspenhall]

Originally Posted by jojobear

I just am tired of answering, "You guys are so good with children, Why don't you have any more?" Most of the families that ask us that couldn't last a day or more with M.

Jody

I look at them like they are crazy and say "have you MET my daughter???!!!"
or
"My one child counts for 5 of anyone elses"

"I've thought about it, but then I wonder, if I had more would I be able to do as goos a job"

"My dd isn't ready for siblings."

I reply with all those everyday all day...to everyone...

[AmyAnne]

I am not sure I could survive another one. My son takes so much time and energy.

i feel at this point it is in OUR best interest and HIS for him to remain an only child.

[Again!]

I would never adopt a child younger than an RAD child. I had to dissolve an adoption of my most severe RAD child because he was threatening the lives of his brother and sister, and he meant it (among many other things), and it just got to the point where I could not be vigilant enough.