[Bippette]

trying to negotiate a field of landmines. And as I post this, I'm already thinking that some of you will tell me that I did the wrong thing.

We wrestled in the state tournament on Friday. Both Coach and I took off work to go. Our goal for him was to MAKE it. Anything he got at State would be icing on the cake. We told him that all that we asked of him was that he do his best and give 110%. He has a history of quitting when it gets hard.

It was a looooonnnnng day. And he lost both his first two matches. But he tried hard, they were just better than he was. Since he's a heavyweight, his was the last match of a very long day. When he came back into the stands to get his stuff, the arena had mostly cleared out.

I knew when I locked eyes with him that he was WAY upset. He usually requests that we leave him alone after he loses a meet. And normally I respect that request. I tried to yesterday as well. Coach and I turned to leave, but when I looked back he was stilling on the stairs by himself in the empty stadium with his head cradled in his hands. I couldn't help it, I went back.

As I walked up he asked me again to leave him alone. But I stood next to him and put my hand on his back and told him that I was proud of him. When I told him that he started crying harder. Coach also talked to him a bit too. All he would tell us was to leave him alone or "get off me" if we tried to touch him. But he didn't leave, we weren't holding him down there.

We didn't stay long. I told him that I was sorry he was hurting, that I loved him and we'd see him later. And we left.

I knew I was intruding (pushing his boundaries), so I really wasn't that upset with his rebuffs. But what I didn't know was that the wrestling coach had heard our exchange. He's a close friend of my husbands. After we left, he chewed him out for rebuffing me. He told him that Coach and I really loved him, and that people would only put up with so much rejected before they stopped trying. That if he didn't quit turning people away that he'd end up old and alone. He told J that he owed me an apology, and J agreed.

I got a text message from him later that night saying he was sorry. He's not back from the tournament, so I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him in person yet.

I'm mulling over what I want to say to him. Coach says that I need to tell him that "leaving him alone" when he's that upset just isn't an option in our family. That he's been left alone all of his life. And he's just going to have to accept that as a part of our "package".

I'm happy that he cared enough to say he was sorry, even if it was at the Coach's strong suggestion.

I also want to get across to him that its okay to cry about things that are really import to you. Not only did he lose both matches, but that was the last time he'll participate in team athletics. It was closing a chapter in his life. The boy who came to us six months ago didn't care enough about anyone or anything (including himself) to cry. I'm proud that the young man we have now cares enough to cry about something that's important. And I want him to know that sharing that with people who care about him doesn't emasculate him, it makes him a man who's passionate and cares.

[lucyjoy]

Sounds like you did okay to me. It's very hard to tell when "Leave me alone" means that or don't leave me. It would be so much easier if our kids used the words they meant all the time.

I think, if it were me, maybe I'd tell him again that I was proud of him, let him know you appreciate that he apologized, and remind him that you are there for ALL of your kids to celebrate and to cry with, whichever they need at the moment.

If he truely wanted you to go away, he'd have walked away.

[waited2long]

I agree with LucyJoy.

I think you handled it just right.

[Kansas Girl]

I think you did fine, Bippette. I also think he is going to need his space to process what losing his matches means to him in the context of the progress he has made in the last six months and, given his age, you need to honor that space. While I know you mean well, I don't think it's fair to him to expect him to conform to the idea of "leaving him alone is not an option"......I think that sometimes wanting to be alone to process feelings is natural for any human, emotionally healthy or not. You and Coach have already let him know that you are there for him if he needs or wants to share that process with you. On the flip side of all that, he's going to have to figure out on his own how to deal with or what he wants to do with the "aloneness" in his life. He's had to do everything for himself for so much of his life - speaking from my own experience, that may take a long time to process and change that part of himself.

I'm sad to hear that he lost. I'm sure, especially with his progress, he'll handle the loss just fine and continue to progress from there.

Just my .02
Fran

[rubymama]

Sounds like you handled it great. Your love jumps off the screen at me.

Rather than tell him that "leave me alone" just isn't an option in this family (you can't dictate how somebody feels), just tell him how hard it is for you to leave him alone. That people who love each other want to be there fore each other. And that you'd hope that at some point, he'd invite you in to help him. And I'd leave it at that.

You've come a long way!

[aspenhall]

I agree GOOD JOB! I would explain it as "Someday you won't want to be left alone, and I just wanna be there without making you ask me to stay when that day comes. I'll always check with you first just in case...Then if you really want to be left alone I will. But not before I've made sure you know how much we love you first."

[AmyAnne]

You did great. I'm sorry he didn't do better but I agree with Lucy. Reiterate you're proud. Appreciate the apology. Etc

[Bippette]

Thanks guys, for the advice and support. I should get a chance to talk to him later tonight.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Bippette

Thanks guys, for the advice and support. I should get a chance to talk to him later tonight.

Yeah, having been through that a lot with A. in the first year he was here, I found that 'leave me alone' or "get off me" generally translated to not feeling like he deserved loving....when he REALLY meant it he'd atually get up and walk away.

[Bippette]

He didn't come in until 9:30pm last night. And the cold that he started with at the Tournament is now worse.

He took a shower, blew through the living room with a "GoodnightI'mgoingtobed" and tried to dodge us.

Coach made him come back and chat for a few minutes before he headed to bed. I think he was nervous about talking to us, as that's the first time we'd really seen him since the incident at the last wrestling match.

After he figured out we weren't going to bite him or make fun of him, he relaxed and we watched some TV together.

I did tell him that I was sorry too, for not leaving him alone after the meet as he'd asked. I told him it was a Mom thing, and that I just loved him too much to go off and leave him that upset without making sure he was okay. He told me "It's alright."

Then I told him that I was glad he cared enough about something to show emotion over it. That it was a sign of maturity and passion and a strong man. I told him that all of the men he admired most including my husband and his wrestling coach had probably shed tears at their last high school athletic event.

He didn't have anything to say in return....just a nod or two. It's so hard to tell with him if he's listening to what you are saying or just blowing you off.

He was running a fever this morning. I gave him some cold medicine and sent him back to bed. He let me kiss him on the forehead.

[Kansas Girl]

sounds like that went OK. I think even when they act like they are blowing us off they still have heard everything we said....and hopefully are tucking it away somewhere accessible in their heart!

Fran

[Bippette]

I think it did. He didn't seem particularly defensive. One of these days, these kids are going to come back to us with they are 25 or 30 and tell us what was going through their heads!

He's going to graduate in a few short months, and I feel like I have not had enough time to pour into him everything he needs.

[Kansas Girl]

R turns 16 in one month. Even after living with us for 7 years and all the attachment therapy he's had, I doubt that he'll be "ready" at 18 or even 25.....especially since it's really up to him. I'm just hoping he'll stay close enough to us (both geographically and emotionally) that he'll still listen to us!

Fran

[Lorraine123]

I feel like I have not had enough time to pour into him everything he needs.

I understand how that feels and its hard. I agree that most of the time they look like they are ignoring us, but some of it sinks in. Hopefully they are internalizing what we say and feel. Its so hard to know what is the right thing to do, but whatever you do out of love can't be wrong.