[Kat-L]

The agency where I adopted Hanna has several potential placements of caucasian baby boys with Downs. I had always wondered if I was called to do this and now her agency (that I really love) has not one but several babies who are unmatched. In addition, they are looking for a family in my state for one of the babies. Plus, I just bought a new crib for my fs's room because I was going to go on the active list for another baby-so I'm ready for a newborn placement.

I have outstanding medical insurance, a wonderful daycare provider and a flexible job. A super sweet lady from my church has a child with Down's and I love him. He's the sweetest kid on the planet. But he is considered fairly high functioning.

The downside? Well.. he will probably never live independently. As a single mom, I have to wonder who will care for him when I'm gone. I don't want to burden my other children with a special needs sibling. Also, if I die before he's raised, I honestly don't think anyone in my family would want a special needs child. Each of my brothers has their hands full with their own children (mild special needs & behavior problems) and one of sisters has a husband who doesn't like kids. The other has a large family of her own and it would be a struggle to add a child with downs in addition to my other children-plus her husband would probably put his foot down and say no, it would just be too many kids for them to add to their own family.

So even with great life insurance, I'd have to worry about what would happen to him if something happened to me. I suppose I could live forever-but I'm worried that God might not agree to it.

Has anyone here adopted a child with down's? Any thoughts? I'm truly torn about this. It just seems so odd that this agency would have so many potential placements when I've had this at the back of my mind for a while now. Also, it just happens to be a good time to expand the family. But I don't want to get in over my head.
__________________

[Kelly Rae]

I don't have answers but I will gladly pray. It sounds like you already know what you feel led to do ask God to confirm it. Blessings on your decisions.

[aspenhall]

My cousin has a little boy with Downs and he learns differently......he would be fully able to care for himself....but thats only because he's being taught how, implementing routines etc... I don't think you'll be able to make a decision, or receive an answer to your prayers until you go educate yourself more about raising a child with Downs.

The only Downs person I 've ever known who can't live by himself, is a boy who in addition to having Downs, is also Autistic. He's 12 and operates more on a 2 yr old level. And Downs kids are such a blessing to their familes BTW, very sweet spirited, innocent and full of no holds barred, unconditional love.

PM me the name of your agency and I may be able to help find placements.

[Juliana13]

I second aspenhall on the comment that "Downs kids are such a blessing to their familes BTW, very sweet spirited, innocent and full of no holds barred, unconditional love."

Unlike aspenhall, I don't know any Down's adults who live on their own - though I know that many do - or in Down's group homes (semi-independent living). But I do know a lot of Down's adults who cannot live independently. That's probably because my mom's little sister has Down's, and we know her friends, and others connected with her.

I too have concerns about outliving Down's children. And about whether it is fair to the siblings. (I am considering similar issues.) However, do not assume the child will be a burden to their family, even if they are not independent. My aunt (who was always really more like a cousin, and now like one of the nieces - due to her mental age of 6 to 8) has been a great blessing to our family. Her mother died 2 years ago, and since then she has been living with my parents. And several cousins, who grew up with her always being at Grandma's house, have already offered to have her come and live with them. Sure, they have to care for her, but her spirit is a great blessing to all of us. She teaches us patience, compassion, and love in ways that no other situation could. She brings out the better side of us. Of course, that means challenges, but think of ways your other children can learn and grow from the experience of a Down's sibling!

These kids know love. I always thought that if I were to have a child with a mental handicap - please let it be Down's. And 6 year olds are fun. Sure, there's some stuff she just doesn't understand, and she gets her feelings hurt easily, but she can read and carry on conversations, entertain herself, is independent in personal cares, and constantly reminds us just by her presence what is more important in life.

My greatest worry is who will care for my child when I am gone, because it is probable that I will be outlived... Will anyone ever love them as much as I do? The answer is, probably not. No one can love your child more than you can. But your family - your other children - can learn love and compassion, and more depth to themselves by having the experiences that can come with a Down's family member.

Only you can decide if it is a good decision for you. As a single mom, you would probably also want more information on the health of the child. Down's children frequently have surgeries and/or health issues, especially early in life, so you would need a support system if that were the case.

Good luck deciding. Down's individuals are a great blessing to those around them. Their capacity to love and their simple trust is amazing. (Gotta watch out for the trust - they can be gullible, and be taken advantage of easily). But they DO have challenges, and only you can decide if you are a good fit for them, and if they are a good fit for your family.

[dadfor2]

kat-L,

to many 'what if's, in your post. We cant live our lives on the 'what if's' go with your heart.

the bottom line is, nobody would have any children if they lived by the what if's.

Id say dont worry about tomorrow, and just live for today, if you have a calling to adopt a child with DS, then i say go for it. I worked with DS years and years ago, and they are truly lovely kids.

[OakShannon]

I'm new to this forum. We have only recently been certified as foster parents and we're waiting to be matched with a child for fost-adopt. I don't have children, so I can't speak from a parent's perspective personally. But I do have a brother with Down Syndrome.

I don't know any adults with Down Syndrome who live idependently. My brother is pretty high funcioning and he lives in his own apartment, but he gets a lot of help and support from his family. He can do many self-help tasks on his own, but in a lot of ways he's like a kid and his judgement isn't always the best. Still, he is happy and has a fulfilling life.

Your concern about what happens when you are gone is certainly valid and I think every parent of a disabled child shares it. It's scary to wonder what will happen to your dependent child when you are no longer around. If I suggested this was an easy one, my mom would be the first to slap my typing fingers! As a sibling though, I would like to reassure you that you don't need to worry about being unfair to your other children. My brother has been a wonderful gift and I would not trade the experience of being his sister for anything in the world. We have always been close (we're both in our 30's) and I will gladly care for him when my parents no longer can. My brother has helped to make me a more compassionate person and opened my eyes to things I would not otherwise have been aware of.

I would caution against "idealizing" people with DS though. I often hear people talking about how wonderful and loving and sweet they are . . . Actually, they are just people like any others. The same ideosyncratic mix of good and bad and frustrating and delightful. Your child will be an individual with a personality that transcends extra chromosomes.

[qs mom]

I have a friend who's oldest son has Down's. She told me that when he was born, someone told her that Down's is 'Cadillac of disabilities'. She said she didn't beleive it then, but now that he is 13, she sure does.

My son particpates in a skating program for the disabled. I've met so many kids and young adults with Down's (and other disabilities). And yes, they are just like 'normal' kids - angry, sweet, loving, mischeivious.

I think that you need to research Down's and more importantly research support in your area. Research Supplemental Needs trusts, different programs for physical activity, and family support.

I'm a single mom, with only one child. My fear is that my son will alone when I'm gone. He is 7. My sister's children are 20, 18, and 11. So, it's not like they're too close in age to be friends as well as cousins. And losing an aunt to them will not be the same as losing mom to my son. But adopting again, just isn't in the cards for me now.

[momraine]

I don't have a downs kid (my husband and I had a deal that we would not adopt a kid who would not be able to live on thier own so even though I would in a heartbeat its not for us, I recenlty turned one down, a little girl, my heart broke when I had to say no) Anyway, I do have a kid with what many consider to be a severe disablility. The truth is, he will always need some help. He will have to rely on technology, a special vehicle and his power wheelchair. If one of them breaks he will need help. He will need his home to have some modifications done that he won't be able to do on his own. There are places that are not so wheelchair accesable where he will have to figure out how to get in. For instance our towns post office is a very old building. He would have to go in the back door, but it's kept locked, so he would have to either call ahead or have someone with him who could go in the front and ask for the back door to be unlocked. (another option we will look into is a cool wheelchair called the Ibot that goes up stairs) Anyway, we worried about whether anyone in our family would want to raise him if something happened to us. He has been home a year now and he has two aunts who would take him in a heartbeat. They fell in love.
I am hoping that does not need to happen. My other kids know that they may always need to be around to help him, but to them that's normal. My older boys and my husband frequently go do work for my husbands sister and his elderly aunt. Just last week they cleaned out the gutters at both houses. My sister and her girls are living with us indefinately until they get on thier feet. Our family just takes this kind of thing as normal so my other kids know that they will have to help thier brother from time to time. They talked about what years they would graduate and my oldest made the comment about when his brother graduated from college he and his other brother would need to take a week off when their younger brother found a job and house. They were talking about putting in ramps and stuff. So I am less worried now. I too will pray for you.

[Lylac]

Your thoughts and what "ifs" are scarey, and will completely talk you out of possibly the best thing that you can do..if you keep listening. Although they are valid, you can't live your life based on the fear.

I don't have a DS child, but I have a 4 year old son, that I know won't ever live independantly. And quite possibly all 3 won't to some degree . A dear friend asked me here, not long ago about how I dealt with my kids futures, and me not being around forever. So I'll tell you what I told her.

I don't want my kids to be a burden on anybody. Not that they would in any way. So we made sure that if/when something happens to both of us they have enough insurance money, that they won't ever need for anything. We chose someone that loves our kids just as much as we do to see over them.

If they are still little, they will move in the home with this person. If they are adults, they will live in an assisted living place, where they can feel some independance, but yet get help when needed.

Nobody can predict the future..if they could... well, alot of folks would do things differently.

All of this to say: Live today as it's your first, but prepare as if it's your last.

[dadfor2]

I know some folks wrote that about living on their own. But please think how many people are in line to adopt a child with special needs. Not that many.

If your heart is saying that you would be a great home for a special needs child, then I say go for it.

Some of these kids do age out of the system and put in other facilities when they turn 18 if they cannot live on their own.

So if one of your fears is that the child may need to be in some sort of residential program when you are unable to take care of him or her, wouldnt it be nice if you had a choice of where the person goes.

each RTc is different, and some are really bad.

there are no guarentees in life, but the person has a better chance of being taken care of if you are the one who is makinng the choice vs the state making the choice.

I guess im just saying, if you pass on a child with special needs for fear of no one taking care of the person when your older, the chances of that child even being adopted is not that high and will be in a facilite probably their whole life, not just when they are older.

[Kat-L]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. I truly appreciate hearing from each and every one of you. I'm going to go for it (at least see if I'm matched with one of these babies). If it's meant to be, I'm sure I'll know soon enough. Thank you again.

[athikers]

I would also add that there is GREAT variation of severity when it comes to down's syndrome. Some children can go to regular classes in school and do fine with some assistance. Some will never read or write. That's just one example of the individuality of down's. Also, I second (or third) what several posters have said not all kids or adults with down's are cute, sweet or anything else enduring. Some are. Some have other mental illness or lack of impulse control that make them VERY difficult to parent and/or care for.

[waited2long]

I received a similar lecture from Lylac when I voiced my fears about adopting a child with Special Needs that might require lifetime care. (Thanks Lylac)

She (Lylac), is absolutely right. None of us know what the future will hold. Any one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow! And/or, a perfectly healthy child could suddenly become dependant due to some sort of accident. We just don't know.

So, if you will love a child, regardless of his/her degree of Downs Syndrome and feel you will give him/her a happy childhood, then you've already made your decision. (Which, of course, you have, but I wanted to add my support)

Good luck, I hope you are matched with one of those precious babies!

[BethanyB]

My sister has downs syndrome. I am 34 and she is 33. She participates in the Special Olympics each year. She ski's, she bowls, she swims, she has a boyfriend and she has a part time job. She is high functioning but will not be able to live on her own. As smart as she is, she still is very child like. Yes, she watches soap operas but then she also colors in coloring books and plays with dolls. She has a VERY full life and is out of the house a few nights a week with her different activities. She is very happy.

It was not easy growing up because other kids did make fun of her. But I think it has made me a better person. She is amazing and thoughtful and kind and it's made me a better person seeing how much she has achieved.

I can see your concerns going into this as an aparent with a choice. But most people who give birth to kids with Downs Syndrome don't have a choice. They have to deal with the fact that they are not going to outlive their special needs child and they need to make provisions for that. I know that I will end up taking my sister when my parents can no longer care for her.

Think it through and follow your heart. I think it's wonderful that you are considering it. Just that means a lot to me as someone whose sister has Downs Syndrome.