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For all of you who have btdt. Which do you think is better, having a kid come into your home, and automatically trusting him until he proves you wrong, giving him privileges that are taken away as discipline, OR, automatically assuming he'll have no moral/ethical standard, putting him on a tight leash, having him earn your trust before giving any privileges, and using privileges as reward.

I'm wondering if the former is too dangerous and sets him/her up for failure.....and is the latter too "insulting" and sets you up for too many power struggles???

What has worked/not worked for you?
'~Sherry

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A mixture of what you describe in your post will work best ... you have to provide some trust to have it earned but not too much to let them fall on their face immediately ... knowing they will at some point down the road. Upon arrival it is best to lay general rules out up front and the consequence if they are not followed - i.e., you don't eat dinner, you don't get desert or anything else to eat until breakfast. Don't have any expectations but do give the child a way to earn them and they will and when they fail, never ever criticize - discuss what could of and should of been done and move on ... self esteem in most of these kids falls below even our most vivid imagination and building it with baby steps is so important and rewarding at the same time!

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I agree with the previous poster....

I think you owe it to the child to give him/her some degree of trust on basic things once the "house rules" have been explained (assuming the child is old enough to understand, of course). Only when the child abides by those rules consistently would I give additional privileges. I think it's important to let the child earn your trust (and vice versa, by the way) just as you would require of a birth child....

Lara

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Originally Posted By barki

I agree with both Anon and Lara. You have to be careful to not just sit back and say, "Hey! You blew it, now you have to earn my trust all over again!" It's best to give little bits and let them go forward with that.

Also, remember that you can't just assume that just because a child is X years of age they will be able to have Y amount of responsibility. Some 10 year olds CAN make their own breakfast of cold cereal -- others can't. So be sure to start really REALLY basic for the first couple of weeks until you have a feel for where this child is, capability and responsibility-wise.

I thought that since our son was almost 2 1/2 yo that he'd have had experience spoon/fork feeding himself. Anyway, I don't think he did have much experience with that, or wasn't comfortable doing it in his new environs! LOL Poor kid just kind of looked at me in puzzlement at first, so we restarted with more finger foods again. Since he did so well within a couple of weeks I think it had to do with too many other things going on for him to concentrate on those fine motor skills.

Which reminds me, the idea of regression has to be taken into account, too. Maybe the child WAS able to do these things at the foster home, but is overwhelmed with so many emotions and new expectations and people and what not that they just can't get it together in your home yet. By starting small and working up to bigger things -- as Lara said -- you help them build confidence and to feel more comfortable in your home, which helps when they do eventually make that boo-boo.