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Originally Posted By Darcia

My husband and I (both widowed) have 10 children between us. His 3, now grown were adopted; two as infants, one at age 6. My 7; 4 bio, one adopted from India at 9 mos, two from Haiti at 6 and 11 yrs. Those left at home are 17 (bio), 15(Haiti), 15(bio), 14(India), and 11(Haiti). We feel we are excellent candidates for a sibling group, as we have experience with a large family and older child adoptions. However, our 15 year old from Haiti had molested his (then 4 yo) cousin approximately 2 years ago. There have been no other signs of sexual aggression or even curiosity, although he is struggling with stealing and lying. (MOST of the time he is a joy to parent) We are interested in a sibling group of six aged 2 to 14, however, we have been told we need a letter from his psychologist stating that he is not a threat to younger children. He is currently undergoing counseling and will be receiving testing to determine how much English he understands (he's been diagnosed as MMR) before doing a polygraph to confirm that my nephew was the only case of abuse. Also to determine whether his sexual abuse only occurred in Haiti or if there has been abuse here. My husband and I don't feel he is a threat. All our friends with younger children know about his abuse and acting out and there have been no other cases reported in the four years he's been here. His psychologist and the CPS worker strongly feel he's a threat. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Of course we don't want to put any children in danger, but we really want to add to our family. Any advice?

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You never want to place a child in the home of a pedifile! And once something takes place the label is there. Sorry. Listen to the specialist....what is to say it won't go on again, or that was the only time it did. Just a thought...

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I would say that this would be taking a big risk.
The problem is that you will not be able to be there all the time, every minute to make sure this never happens again. And in a lot of cases it is not reported because of fear, guilt and/ or shame.

Maybe you could wait until he has moved out of the house, and is on his own before taking in any more children. In this situation it would be much more feasible for you to make sure that he is never alone with the other children.

I am sorry, this must be a tough choice.

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There is no way that I would allow ANY child younger than him to be placed in the same home with him! As a matter of fact, I would be very careful about leaving him alone (or even alone with other children present) with any of your children who you currently have living at home now and certainly with your friend's children. When we had a child who was a sexual preditor placed in our home, we found out and are still finding out about more and more children he molested (and it took years to find out !!!). Please don't adopt a sibling group with him still in your home. With that many kids, it is impossible to watch him all the time. You may be able to adopt a very young child or two and keep them with you all the time or a teenager who will be old enough to defend him/herself. One final note, I have seen the devestating effects that abuse can have on children and how good both the victims and the abusers are at hiding it. Please please please, watch him all the time with your children and other children. You never know what he may be doing when you are sitting down to read this!!! It is a chilling thought and I'm sorry it sounds so harsh but that is the reality.

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so many of the kids in foster care were also sexually abused. Even if you watch the kids 24/7, one of them could make a false allegation against him, even if he does nothing, and he would then be removed from your home. The other kids may also be removed as sexual abuse is taken VERY seriously and does NOT have to be proven to be acted upon. Wait until he lives elsewhere, then adopt. There is no way to know how many kids he may have molested or whether or not he will do it again. I'm surprised you were even allowed to be licensed, because they are SO STRICT about weaning out people who are child abusers of any kind, and you have one who molested in your home. IMO, a sibling group is the worst idea of all. It is very chaotic with new kids, and you can't watch them every minute. I hope you can find peace with your decision, whatever it turns out to be.

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That you and your husband do not feel a threat is not good enough reason to risk a child. You further mentioned that he lies and steals are indicators of a sociopath. From your post I would presume that you don't believe his claims hence the polygraph. We are living the nightmare of adopting a child with a similar profile. We found the key is staying on top of him. Since your present son was there first he may use his seniority as a position of strength to intimidate a younger child.

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I'm not saying everything is perfect. In fact a lot, if not most, kids in any residential setting are at least exposed to "bad touches" from other child residents. So, it would depend on your kids actual act was it agressive, etc...

Also, a lot of people with MR, don't really understand how to act on sexual urges when they hit puberity. This often makes them the subject of abuse and they sometimes do things to younger kids without really meaning to hurt the child. Are the other kids in your house safe? Then more children would be safe as well, or do you think the ones at home really aren't safe with the child around?

Also, don't ever kid yourself that you can monitor 24 hours a day. You can't.

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You don't sound harsh. The effects of sexual abuse are devestating to so many!!!!

We are foster parents. Have two sons. Both of them are tough little guys with minds of their own. In fact, always kind of thought the oldest was a bully. Definately big enough to tattle, run for cover, fight back, whatever. KNows all about what to say no to, bad touch, etc.

Got a young teen male in my home as a foster child. Thought there was no problem but being that it was a new child watched at every moment. Truly believed this child was never left alone with my kids. Well, MONTHS after this child was gone found out that he raped my sons numerous times. Wouldn't have ever found out but a newer foster child told. My sons would not have told. They had been threated too much. They were afraid even after he moved out.

Couldn't figure out how, when, why . . . . . . Nearly tore my husband and I apart, we didn't understand, we must be terrible parents, how could we try to help other children and end up harming our own, etc. etc. etc.

Found out that it happened when I ran in the laundry room to put a load of clothes in the wash, happened when I took a shower, happened when I checked on dinner in the oven - all times when I was out of the room less than five minutes.

Some kids are opportunists, some kids are sneaky and manipulative. Not saying your child is BUT what happened to him before you got him? If it happened to him, it would be easier for him to do it to others.

Please, please for the sake of other children, be careful. These are so seldom one time, isolated incidents!!

Just my two cents