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Originally Posted By AC

like Richie thinks and automatically assumes that everyone and anyone he is around for 5 minutes is "My new friend". Do you all know what I mean? A prime example...The two boys are in sports camp for the summer and Richie always falls asleep in the car on the way home at the end of the day. Then the minute we get into the house he wants to jump on his bike and ride all over the neighborhood and end up at "my new friend's" house. Then later he comes home crying and tells me that I need to come talk to a parent. Come to find out they were playing and he tripped her by accident and her shoulder/arm got hurt and bruised. Thank God the parents were understanding and said they didn't think it was serious. As we all know accidents happen and Richie was very remorseful for it and apologized to her and parents before he came and got me. But later that night I had to explain to him that he wasn't even suppose to be their in the first place b/c all he had permission to do was ride his bike and if he does something I'm held responsible. Last night he asks if he could go to the Teen Fest with "my new friend" from camp b/c her dad will pick me up. I told him "No b/c you're only 12; you don't even know anything about this person like a last name or even where they live or anything about her; and I don't know these people and anything could happen" Less than 5minutes later he has them on the phone to ask me. This totally pissed me off and I Richie when I say "No, I mean know and having someone else ask me just makes it worse." Even today, as soon as he had breakfast he was ready to get in the streets. I told him "No, maybe later this evening b/c there's alot of chores that need to be done". So what does he turn around and do, have Shawn(Bio son)ask me. So I go to him and ask him "Didn't I just tell you couldn't go anywhere?" Then Richie says "Well it's 12noon now so I thought it was later or now the evening." I mean I hate to say it but I'm feel like I'm constantly saying "NO!" I always explain to him the reason behind it but I don't know if anything is sinking in. I hate to think that he assumes that I'm this "horrible new mom that doesn't let me do anything". But, I don't like or allow my kids to run/stay in the streets. It just doesn't look good and besides that's how THINGS happen. I told him that when school starts he's not going to be allowed to go outside at all until the weekend because they have to study and the grades he's use to getting won't cut it here. He gives me this strange look then says "I don't do that well in school besides I can just go to summer school." Do any of you have this problem and if so when do they get it? I mean I understand the foster/adoption mentality and socialization thing. But my goodness this is starting to get on my last nerve because I don't like it. Thanks for listening, I guess I just needed to vent.

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... IS MY NEW NAME. Having two adopted children 9 and 11 they sure do know how to try and squeeze that YES word out of me too and it does get very tiring and very old. Keep strong and always consistent ... eventually they do believe the word NO ... of course, then what would they call me ... and I really love it when they talk about me with each other before asking ... the reward of being a "MOM" ... wouldn't trade it for the world - even on those days !!!!!!

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Maybe it would be helpful to give him a time. For instance, "You need to pick up your room and take out the garbage, if you get those things done by 1:00 you may ride your bike for an hour".

It sounds like he is testing the rules to see if you will stick to them. Or maybe he's just one of those kids who needs to know what's going on today. I had one bio who would ask and still does at 23, "What are we doing today?"

Getting to know a child who is half grown must be exciting and intimidating. We haven't gotten a placement yet, but have gotten a couple of calls to consider. So, we will soon be finding out.

Good luck,

brydy

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I can kind of understand why he would have asked the parent of the little girl to call because of the reasons you gave him for saying no. So he might not of been intentionally trying to manipulate you. You told him that he couldn't go because he didn't know last names, where they live etc sooooo... in a 12 year old's mind the easiest way to find all that out for Mom is to call and ask them.

Clearly stated rules and about 10 times actually going to check on him should (hehe if you are lucky) stop the going to people's homes when bike riding. My rule is that they cannot go onto anyone else's property, not even one foot into their grass unless they come home and ask first. Then I have to have the other child's parent's permission for them to be in the yard. They cannot go into anyone else's house for anything unless there is a massive amount of blood involved and an ambulance needs to be called is my other rule.

One thought about the after school thing, with a 12 year old that has sat in school for 9 hours, you might want to consider letting him have 30 to 45 minutes to ride his bike etc before he hits the books again. Just my humble opinion but it seems to help with very active kids to release some energy before studying.

On the asking after a NO rofl, well I have an expert at that one. If my answer is the least bit ambiguous like "maybe later" I can just about guarantee her to find another way to ask to go. I have learned with her to clearly state what I mean. For instance, my answer in that situation to her would have been, "No not this morning. We are doing chores until 2 p.m. If all the chores are done by 2 p.m. then you can go. If you ask me about it again before 2 p.m. then you may not go until 3 p.m. even if all chores are done."

With her, when it was really bad, I wrote down my answers to important things and gave them to her, she would read it over probably 50 times during the waiting time, but would not ask me again. Her problem was more that the people in her life before me were not consistant both with no's and with promising to do things later. Having it in writing gave her the security that I would really do what I said I was going to do. She didn't need this after about 3 months so we stopped it.

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I get the same thing from my 10 year old. He has been with me for a long time so there has been a plan and a progression of trust. The plan is clear in my mind and I do my best to make it clear to him so he usually knows what the answer is going to be and why. It is always the same and has values attached. 1) life centers around home. 2) family activities come first. 3) everyone in the family has responsibilities. 4) trust is earned. My daughter has not progressed as far. She stays pretty close. She still needs to learn appropriate behavior, and demonstrate trustworthiness and some common sense. Until this happens, she is with me. That is how I do it. Best wishes.

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Originally Posted By Pam

I never let my kids go anywhere alone (they usually all go together) and they aren't allowed to ride around the neighborhood either. They have to report to me every time they leave the yard...where they are going and who they are going to be with. Richie sounds a little like my son who was diagnosed with ADHD. He is always impulsive and eager to jump on his bike and just go and do anything he is asked. I think it pays off to be strict, although I *know* that it seems like we're being mean. A lot of kids from foster care are YEARS younger then their chronological age emotionally...I treat them as old as they act. My now 12 year old is not as responsible as most 12 year olds are so he does less without supervision. Sounds like a friendly, personable, impulsive kid....maybe immature...who NEEDS you to be strict. But don't you hate to seem like a meanie? I hate it, but I do it. Good luck

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My kids very seldom go out of the yard unless I'm with them and typically don't play with other children unless at well supervised events (such as VBS) or the children come to our house to play. These events and playdates happen rather frequently though, and also I take them quite a few places... so it's not like I'm holding them hostage or anything. Also, they are a bit younger than Richie. Demario is the oldest in years, at 10, but has the maturity and responsibility level of about a 6 year old.

There ARE reasons why I'm as overprotective as I am. There is an adult person in our community who is not quite right in the head and has in the past found odd ways of accessing my 9 and 7 year old daughters and really freaking them out. My girls are a really worrisome obsession of hers. Oddly, this person is a female that we've known for a number of years and were kind of friends with until we discovered that she was a bit on the strange side. I don't think she'd actually ever be a threat (at least not physically), but the plain and simple fact is that I really don't want her frightening my kids and neither do they.

AC, I don't let Demario do too much unsupervised because he too knows no strangers. I think probably that even now this child would get in the car with someone he didn't know just because they were nice to him. And even though I trust my girls, there's more to it than that. I can't trust everyone else. I can't be sure what the kids will encounter when riding their bikes or walking around. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else and you'd think they'd be safe anywhere they went... but this small town also has no less than three registered sex offenders and a number of other creepy types that I really don't want influencing my kids. No, I don't give them doomsday lectures about what might happen and I'm not walking around paranoid. But I also don't give opportunity the chance to strike. There are plenty of ways for the kids to interact with other children in a supervised fashion that doesn't leave much room for wierdness.

I think you're doing the right thing by demanding to know where Richie is at all times and who he's with. And I think your vigilance and insistance that the rules be followed will pay off. Sure, he may grow up and gripe about how he was "never allowed to do anything" ... But at least he WILL grow up and have the chance to say that. Many, many children won't.

-Susan C.

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Originally Posted By alex and louise

hi. i read your thing u wrote, because i was nossy and read over my moms shoulder. my family has a lot of problems to like that. we always want to go somewhere, or do something. like i moved to this new middle skool last year and i knew no one. my mom wouldnt ler me go any where, because she didnt know them or their parents. so i got my mom to meet all there kids parents. and it was kinda embarrassing because she is a prettective mother, and asks them if they have guns at there house, or weird questions like that. but it turned out ok. because i have ok grades, A's, B's. and i'm in an advanced math class, so i get to go places. but i always have to check in like kall her, or go home and talk to her for a couple minutes or something. and she always has to noe where i am. AT ALL TIMES. but she noe all my friends and like most of them. so i get to go to places with them, or hang out with them. but my mom would not let me go to teen fest, unless she REALLY knew there parents and everything. but its pretty kool. because at my new skool (i go to sierramont) i know alot of kool poeple, and they r kool to hang out with. so it is pretty tite. but it started out with having the responsibility of my mom letting me and my bros go out. we had to show her we were responsible. like doing chores around the house more often, not complaining, or fighting. so it was pretty hard, but i think it paid off, with the amount of friends i have, it is kool, because there is always something to do if u get to go to and hang out with your friends, i bet u like to hang out with your friends to. so it is pretty kool. well i got to go. bye.

That was my wonderful son Alex!He has many opinions to share and this particular post 'spoke' to him. I hope you don't mind. He asked me to explain that he wrote as a 'cool' 12yo and since it is the summer his spelling and grammar is not the best [his words!]. As you can read, your family and ours have similar standards of behaviour and guidelines. Many times I have been told by my children that I am too careful. It is such a highwire to figure out where the boundries are and at the same time allow each of them to grow up and away. I am enjoying observing the process and also get anxious much of the time. Fondly, Louise.

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Originally Posted By Shelley

not to think light of this but is he a.d.d. our son is and it drives me crazy....no means no-not ask it 100 differant ways until my brain explodes. And we are saying that no doesnt mean tomorrow is yes. lol it just drives me nuts...kids don't think past the second especially with a.d.d. that is why I asked. I am smiling....thought it was only us...lol.

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Originally Posted By AC

for your excellent response and opinion. Keep up the good work and the positive outlook. I'm certain Richie will like knowing that someone his age has something to say.

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Originally Posted By AC

But he is diagnosed as being TMH(trainable mentally handicapped) or MMR(mild mentally retarded). In other words he has a very low IQ. But from having him here for a month and two months of visits I know he's not a dumb kid. But he does have serious deficincies in reading and math and gets easily frustrated that he can't comprehend/grasp the academics(or at least that's what his school records say). I know that I'm starting from square one with him on many aspects. But, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one

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Originally Posted By AC

and I'm glad to know that we share the same mind set. When my kids were/are little I didn't let them out of my sight(I guess I'm considered over-protected too but hey they're my kids). But since the boys are older 10&12 I let them ride the bikes. The problem is that with my bio son I know he knows all the rules and what I expect but he's mature for his age but Richie is still new to this family and I know he needs to learn/adjust to the new environment and he's a little immature and impulsive and that's what concerns me the most. Like I said he knows no strangers and with him going to middle school I know the possibility of getting with the wrong friends or making bad impulsive judgements is there. I hate to say that he's too trusting and I don't want to hang a dark cloud about everything/everybody but I'm not blind or naive to ills of the world...lol. Thanks for your support.

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Originally Posted By AC

It's good to know that I'm not the only...That's going NUTS & OVERPROTECTED...LOL But I appreciate all the feedback.

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Originally Posted By alex and louise

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Originally Posted By barki

I haven't had time to read each post under this thread, but it is NEVER TOO LATE to go to your local police station and find out who the registered sex offenders are in your area. (Ok, I haven't done this...I will get to it one day...maybe I'll have my dh do it! LOL) This is handy information to know when you are setting boundaries for your children, discussing which houses are Block Houses, etc. Is it safe for your child to run to the neighbor to the right of your home when you house is on fire? or should he really be running to the neighbor on the left, just for safety's sake?

Also don't put much confidence in the registry system. There are loopholes in everything, and this is no exception. Some juvenile offenders (who would be likely to prey on younger children) aren't registered, and some of the adult offenders are on the list for "statutory rape" kinds of things, where they were 19 and the other consenting partner was 17. The registry is just a good starting point, nothing else.