[amb]

My husband Nick and I met A---- several years ago when she was staying with her grandparents. We know the grandparents because they are friends of Nick’s father. A---- was probably about five or six when we first met her. For quite a few years, A---- was back with her mother and we had not seen her during that time. Suddenly, A---- was back in her grandparents’ care – that must have been around 2005.

A---- was 8 years old, and couldn’t read much at all. We also noticed that she seemed to be starving for attention. When we would be chatting with the grandparents, A---- would come around and just want to be there with us. Without fail, the grandparents would yell at her and instruct her to go do the dishes or find some other chore to occupy her. We wondered why they would not let her interact with us.

Pretty much every time we observed them interact with her, it seemed to border upon verbal abuse. The voice was consistently elevated, they would put her down in front of us – explaining how she “doesn’t have a lick of horse sense” and how she is just not smart enough to do anything right or on her own. They would shame her in front of us for only doing typical kid things. Her self-esteem is VERY low. She has an anger and violence problem which materializes as physical violence against her grandmother, who is disabled and cannot defend herself.

We found out that A---- was not in school, and the reason was because A----’s mother came to the elementary school and kidnapped her. We also suspect that they cannot afford to transport A---- from their remote location.

A---- is reading and doing math at a third grade level at best. She is eleven and should be in the fifth grade. We suspect that she has never completed a year of traditional schooling.

Her living conditions are pretty rugged. They live in a trailer on the side of a hill. They are isolated from the community, have no running water or refrigeration, and have small generator to run a couple lights, a television and a playstation. A---- says she is responsible for emptying the five gallon buckets that they use as a toilet. They have some animals and a garden. The weather is extreme in the winter and in the summer. The place is not really unlivable, but I would never guess that it is comfortable. A---- says when the weather is poor she feels cooped up and restless in such a small place and being unable to go outside. They have a computer (very old), but have been unable to get internet access out there. This creates a challenge for the grandmother in finding material to use when homeschooling A----.

Nick and I have a place in a nice neighborhood, a block away from an elementary school, with lots of kids her age to play with along our street. We approached the grandparents in September of 2006 proposing that we could raise A---- at our place in order to get her into a normal household with 2 loving parental figures, and to get her into school. They sounded really interested at first, but called us a couple weeks later and said that they decided not to accept our offer.

Almost exactly a year later, they called us stating that they were about to give her up to the state, but remembered our offer. We told them we still had a place for her here. They sent her to stay with us for 2 weeks. As we were discussing the situation with the grandparents, we discovered that A---- had been taken away from her mother because of neglect and sexual abuse. We are told that A---- had been dosed with illegal drugs while in her mother’s care, she had been raped repeatedly over an extended period of time, and that the mother kept A---- out of school so she could change her infant sibling’s diapers. A---- does say that she hates babies, and she is very uncomfortable around men, so I don’t really doubt those allegations.

The grandparents are frustrating to deal with as well. They seem to be almost hysterical in some aspects. They insist that she is allergic to a long list of items. So far we have not seen any evidence of allergies to red 40, high fructose corn syrup, or yogurt. We suspect that they don’t want us to give her anything that is processed or sweet because they cannot afford to give it to her. They told us that she has a tendency to get vaginal yeast infections and to have her insert a clove of garlic. I gave her some cotton underwear so she didn’t have to wear her bikini bottoms as underwear. The problem doesn’t appear to have continued. She just started her period for the first time, and they were panicking because it was “irregular”, and told us we needed to give her huge amounts of ibuprophen 6 times a day for more than a week. I was concerned about that, but did as told. Of course it will be irregular. It will for a couple years at least. It seems that they have created a bit of a hypochondriac because she would come up with a symptom and a diagnosis for herself on several occasions, and would try to instruct me on how to treat her.

They also forbade us to bring her to a counselor, social worker or doctor, unless there is a medical emergency. They basically don’t want anybody official to be involved with her. I wonder what they are worried about.

As far as her education goes, we are at complete odds. In the beginning, A---- seemed to be excited about the prospect of going to school and making friends. After spending time with her grandparents, she came back with the fear that her mother would find out where she was by looking her up on the internet. They say that the mother can use her name or SSN to figure out what school she is enrolled in. They must have planted that fear – I cannot comprehend how a 10 year old could come up with such a notion. Even when we said she could change her name or SSN, she assured us that her mother would find her. We also are frustrated with the lack of importance that has been taught to her regarding her education. There was a period of a week when the grandmother was ill with a dental problem. A---- was “taking care” of her, so she went a week without doing schoolwork. Her grandmother said “we live on a farm. There are things that have to get done so it is okay for her to miss some school from time-to-time.” I cannot believe that a responsible adult would say that about a child who is 2 – 3 years behind other kids her age.

Well, we have had A---- for 3 visits at 2 weeks at a time. A---- seems very happy here. My family adores her (she looks like she could be my daughter). She says she has never had a Christmas like the one we just had together. Usually for her birthday and Christmas she would get gifts such as flash lights, long underwear and other “survival items”. This year we convinced her that maybe there really is a Santa Claus.

I really want to help A----, but we cannot do enough without legal guardianship. The grandparents are restricting us from the resources that we deserve to use, such as a social worker or counselor. I have tried, but decided that I cannot effectively teach her on my own. We cannot afford to buy an expensive curriculum for homeschooling, and I do not know how to teach in a way that will engage her interest. The deal was that we would get her into school, but the homeschool responsibility has been thrust upon me, against my will.

I am concerned about what will happen if we put her into public school. A friend of ours says that their son was tested by the school, and was labeled as retarded. He is not retarded. He is only undereducated. He was put into special education, and we are told that no matter what he does, he will never fail. The parents cannot request that he be held back a grade. The parents have no say in the matter now that he is in special education, short of removing him from school altogether. So I am questioning if there is another publicly-available option for A----’s education. I will not put her into special education. She has never been held accountable for her schoolwork and she needs to be. I am considering options for her such as Montessori schools or tutoring, but we really cannot afford that.

At the moment, we are finishing up our third visit. A----’s grandmother has scheduled another visit for 3 weeks at the end of January, but I feel inclined to say that it is time to grant us more legal rights. I want to say that she needs to be in school as a condition of her staying here, and we need to be allowed to see a social worker or counselor if we want to. Enrollment would require her to move here for good. As far as I know, A---- would be happy to live here. I fear that A---- will be taken away from us if we put such an ultimatum on them though.

So specifically, these are the things I want to know:

Is there a way to get some financial assistance from the state? We are a single-income family – we can feed her and house her, but clothing, shoes, toys and an education are expensive.
Is there a way to put A---- into the Foster system without risking losing her to another home? I feel the need for having the resources available to us which are available to Foster homes – especially counselors.
If she were given up by her grandparents to the state, could we specifically request for her to be placed in our care?
Who can I discuss her educational options with?
How do we determine the best way to get her caught up to grade-level so that she can be successful in school?
Is there any financial aid available to get tutoring for her?
Is there any financial aid available to enroll her into a Montessori or private school?
If we become foster parents for her, what is the process and cost for adoption?
Do my descriptions of her living conditions raise concern for neglect or abuse? I do not want to get the grandparents into trouble – they are friends of ours, and are doing the best they know how.
If the grandparents are unwilling to give us any legal guardianship or custody but A---- is willing to come here, what other options are there? I also do not want for A---- to resent us for taking her away from them against their will.
What would happen if I made a report to CPS and they found that my description was accurate?

We live in Washington State. She is 11 now.
(I know this is a long post - sorry. I just feel like I need to scream.)

[momraine]

I am sure you will get better answers, but since no one else has responded I will try. I think first off to be her foster parents and get access to whatever resources would be available you would need to become liscensed foster parents, that means a homestudy, classes and other stuff. Some foster kids do come with money and I think most with medicaid, however not all kids get money and the amount varies. The classes and homestudy would take some time, I am not sure how much and I don't know what the chances of you getting her would be.

The conditions as bad as they are, well, to be brutally honest I have seen worse. I don't think they would do much except maybe require the grandparents to send her to school or something. They would give them suggestions, and work with them before removing her. The taking a week off school would not be enough. It is common for homeschooling families to school year round so that they can take off time for illness or whatever. Many homeschooling families I know suspend school for illness. I dont know what the laws are in Washington for homeschooling. I know here there are not very many.
As for funding to pay for private school I don't know of any, but maybe others do. Some schools have scholarships available, but also remembrer that some private schools will not take kids who are way behind or who have issues. Because of her past she likely will have emotional issues. These will not come up on a two or three week visit, but will come up if you have her long term and may show up at school. One of the main differences between private and public schools is the public schools have to take everyone but the private schools can be picky.
If the grandparents were to agree to a private adoption you would need to hire a lawyer. The first question would be to find out if her grandparents have more than just gardianship. Just because she was taken away from her mother, does not mean that her mother's parental rights were terminated. If they were not, she would also have to sign for the child to be adopted, plus the grandparents would have to sign away the rights. Legal gardianship may not be enough. I know when we had it for my sister, we could not put her on our insurance which was a problem, luckily she was pretty healthy! There was no money of any kind available to help us with her. Nor do we get any for our adopted kids, though they were foreign adopted, which is different. I would say the first step would be getting liscensed as foster parents so you would have a chance of getting her if she was given to foster care.

[RavenSong]

"They also forbade us to bring her to a counselor, social worker or doctor, unless there is a medical emergency. They basically don’t want anybody official to be involved with her. I wonder what they are worried about."

Amber, please read over your original post. I think you already know the answers about what you should do. I am totally floored that this child isn't already in the system. Her grandparents should have been reported to CPS years ago.

Please do NOT give her ibuprofen in amounts greater than the recommended dosage for a child her age. She can easily sustain serious kidney damage. I am glad to hear that her vaginal yeast infections have cleared up. I'm sure you know that it is highly unusual for a child to have repeated yeast infections. I think you know what questions a physician would ask. Sure, sometimes yeast infections can be caused by bubble baths, but I highly doubt this child has that luxury at her grandparents' abode, especially since they have no running water and use buckets to pee in.

This little girl needs comprehensive services. She should be evaluated by a pediatrician at the very least. If she was repeated raped while in her mother's custody, why in the world was this not reported to the authorities? Why has she received no therapy for the aftermath?

Do her grandparents have legal custody? Has CPS or DSS ever been involved at all?? The types of services she is going to need will probably be intensive. If you want the state or county to pick up the tab, you're going to have to become legally licensed for foster care. Call the Department of Social Services...

[amb]

Thanks for your responses - I do not know much about the system.

As far as the sexual abuse being reported - I am not sure if it was reported or not. The whole thing seems wierd to me, the way we are only given little bits of information. I kind of feel like we are just being used by them to provide for her financially. But there is no doubt that she needs something to change.

As far as the homeschooling goes, I guess I was not clear about that. She is not getting an adequate homeschool education. When she was sent to our place the first time, she brought some CD roms, a cursive practice book, an english book, a dry-erase practice board for the 50 state names, a few activity books, a short book about the constitution, no math material, no science material, no instructions or curriculum... They are just finding things to occupy her helter-skelter. I bought a total reading and total math workbook for all the grades 2-6, and a comprehensive curriculum workbook for all the grades (at $14.95 a pop). I created timed math tests, printed out the curriculum outline for the k12 system to use as a guideline for what she needs to learn, and created a schedule for her to get through all the material in her books by next summer so she could have a chance to enroll in 6th grade next fall.

Well, they had her do the reading and math books, didn't touch the timed tests, and didn't even crack open the curriculum outline I copied for them. And to top it off, all the stuff that they told us was so important for her to finish that they gave us hadn't even been touched.

Then before the next visit, the grandmother told us that she needs more science and other subjects to be taught to her - not just math and reading. I just wanted to scream at them! They only had her complete math and reading for a month and are lecturing me about not including other subjects?

She is not being homeschooled. They are having her work out of any book they can pick up at goodwill, with no structure whatsoever.

That is why the week off excuse floored me. She's not getting enough as it is - and they allow her to slack off...

Sorry for the rant. I just feel more strongly about the whole thing the deeper I see into it.

[momraine]

You could probably do a search and find out what the laws are in your state. It varies state to state what homeschoolers are required to do. There is even a movement called unschooling where they do not formal teaching at all, they learn as part of regular life, and based on what the child is interested in at the time. Not something I agree with, but it's out there. (it could probably work well with one of those kids who is curious about everything and loves learning, but not with mine, LOL) Anyway, the laws vary, but an internet search should help you turn up what the laws are. Whether she is taken out of the home if reported will depend on those laws and also (sad to say) how full the caseload is at that time and how many foster spots they have available. (I know it sounds awful, but I was told by a social worker when I was a teen that this was the reason my siblings and I were not taken and it was the only reason)
I would say call and start getting liscensed. I think that is your only chance. It does not sound like the family will willingly give up custody, they are using as a free babysitter and because you buy her things.

[bromanchik]

I agree that CPS needs to be involved. The ibuprofin is reason enough. They could very well be setting her up for serious physical problems.

PM me if you need info on how to contact CPS.

[MomwithFive]

It does sound like, at minimum, neglect. I think CPS should be notified. JMO

[Lorraine123]

I agree with Momraine. Yes, the conditions are bad, but I don't see them as bad enough to necessitate removal of the child by CPS. I know of many children who live in worse and have remained. The only issues that I see are the school situation and the medications.

Is she enrolled in school? Are they officially homeschooling? You cannot just take a child out of school. If you homeschool, you must provide proof that the child is doing the work. They will be tested by the school system periodically. If the child falls too far behind, the school system will intervene. So, I don't understand how they are doing what they are saying.

As for yeast infections - my daughter had yeast infections a lot when she first came to us. Turns out she had an abundance of yeast in her stomach. It caused her to crave carbs and sugar (which fed the yeast). The grandparents may see this as an "allergy" of sorts. Anyway, we put dd on some type of medication (don't remember what) and it killed the yeast in her stomach. She has been fine since. No weird cravings, no vaginal yeast infections. Don't know if that is the issue, but it could be.

I would be careful in believing anything the child says. From some of what you posted, she seems rather manipulative. Sounds like she is trying to triangulate you against her grandparents. Just be cautious.

I would recommend that you find out what type of custody the grandparents have. Has the mother been TPRed? Are the grandparents her legal parents? If not, they don't have any right to give custody to you. If they are her parents, get a homestudy and a lawyer. I would avoid getting CPS involved if you are planning on adopting. Once they are involved, you may not be seen as the best family for this child. A social worker will decide who gets custody of her and often the decision makes no sense.

Good luck with this. Sounds like you would be a great resource for this little girl.

[Sniffles]

I found a basic outline of laws for home schooling in Washington:

Washington Legal Home Schooling

Legal Option:
Option: 1: Establish and operate a home school
Option: 2: Operate under an extension program of an approved private school designed for parents to teach their children at home

Attendance:
Option: 1: 180 days or in grades 1-12 "an annual average total instructional hour offering of one thousand hours."
Option: 2: 180 days or in grades 1-12 "an annual average total instructional hour offering of one thousand hours."

Subjects:
Option: 1: Occupational education, science, math, language, social studies, history, health, reading, writing, spelling, music and art appreciation
Option: 2: Occupational education, science, math, language, social studies, history, health, reading, writing, spelling, music and art appreciation

Qualifications:
Option: 1: Either: 1) be supervised by a certified teacher, or 2) have 45 college quarter credit hours, or 3) completed a course in home education, or 4) be deemed qualified by the local superintendent
Option: 2: Must be under the supervision of a certified teacher employed by the approved private school

Notice:
Option: 1: File an annual notice of intent with the local (or applicable nonresident) superintendent by September 15 or within two weeks of the start of any public school quarter
Option: 2: None

Recordkeeping:
Option: 1: Maintain standardized test scores, academic progress assessments, and immunization records
Option: 2: None

Testing:
Option: 1: Annually administer and retain a state approved standardized test by a qualified person or have the child evaluated by a certified teacher currently working in the field of education
Option: 2: Progress must be evaluated by a certified teacher employed by the approved private school

You can find the information here: HSLDA | Home School Laws

[momraine]

Sounds like Washington is much stricter than Texas, so they will probably do something about the school thing. There are very few rules here. You don't have to have your child evaluated. A good friend of mine homeschooled for years and a couple of her kids got way behind but noone said a word. She finally put them in school. (homeschooling was her dh's idea and it took her a while to find her backbone and stand up to him) she made up her own curriculum and changed it frequently trying to find what worked for her. OH and another lady I used to be in an e-mail group, had a child who had significant delays, she was paniced over the tests, because her daughter did not make progress for quite some time as she was working more on social skills and self care skills than the academic ones. However it turned out in her state the law only required the tests be given, not that the child pass them, there were no laws about that. This child did eventually begin to make progress but for three years in a row, she failed the test. Washington though requires some sort of supervision so I think CPS would require the grandparents to either follow the laws or put her in school. I don't think they would remove her right away. The sad thing is there is a whole world of people who live this way, must people just don't realize it's happening, but the social workers see it all. They can't take every child out, the system is already overwhelmed so they have to leave kids in some bad situations and take the ones in Terrible ones. Now, if you get a young social worker, they might take her, or if they don't realy have legal coustody or they find out more is going on. (the continued yeast infections worry me, as does the high dose of Ibuprofin, there is an old wives tale that high doses of it work as birth control) If you are really worried, then call, but also start classes so that you can become liscensed so that you can possibly get her. They are more likely to consider you if you have already started the paperwork and classes. They may even do an emergency placement since she has a relationship with you.

[MomwithFive]

<<had been dosed with illegal drugs while in her mother’s care, she had been raped repeatedly over an extended period of time>>

I think this issue has me thinking neglect the most. She really should have a therapist.

[amb]

Sniffles - Thank you! I was trying to determine laws by reading through WACs and RCWs but all that legalese is daunting.

I know they are not doing anything official with regards to her homeschooling. At this point, if she were tested, someone would definately intervene.

I appreciate all the other input as well. I find it interesting that a house in the city will be condemned if the water is shut off, but you can raise a kid in the country with a bucket and that's okay.

She can be manipulative - I have recognized specific incidences where it was obvious. I don't think that is a reason to discredit everything she says, but I do know that I need to verify some things before acting upon them. I don't doubt the potty bucket chore, only because the grandmother cannot lift more than 5 pounds on her own, and the grandfather can be away for weeks on a job sometimes.

I think when we take her back to them this weekend, I will put some pressure on them to make this permanant and legal if they can. I am only concerned about financial aid because any educational programs are expensive. We could afford to provide for her otherwise, but I would love to put her into a tutor program if