[lucyjoy]

I have a 16 year old that stays in trouble all the time. He also feels a need to be glued to me most of the time.
I'm trying to help him work through this and he did have some insight but basically wants me to tell him how to fix it, which I can't.

He says he needs to make me mad all the time(and boy does he come up with some stuff to try). He says if we tell him he did something well or compliment him on anything, he feels good for a second and then feels like he better do something wrong. He has no idea why he feels this way. He also says when he does stuff to get into trouble, even stuff on purpose, he can then get mad and blame me.

We also talked about why he needs to be where I am all the time and has escalated behaviors to avoid public schools etc. He says he doesn't think it's a bad thing to want to be around me all the time. I told him I was glad he enjoyed my company but he needed to give some thought to the future. I won't be able to go to work with him or follow him around at 40.

He sabatoges all opportunities to do things with his friends. If I try to consequence another way and allow him to do stuff, he ups the anti and as he gets older, his decisions have more life effecting consequences.

I know he has a great deal of anger about his past experiences and rightly so. Therapy has not been effective in helping him get it out despite the numerous therapists that have tried.

Any ideas? He's a really neat kid but this is going to derail his future if he can't get unstuck.

[Anglperfct30]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

I have a 16 year old that stays in trouble all the time. He also feels a need to be glued to me most of the time.
I'm trying to help him work through this and he did have some insight but basically wants me to tell him how to fix it, which I can't.

He says he needs to make me mad all the time(and boy does he come up with some stuff to try). He says if we tell him he did something well or compliment him on anything, he feels good for a second and then feels like he better do something wrong. He has no idea why he feels this way. He also says when he does stuff to get into trouble, even stuff on purpose, he can then get mad and blame me.

We also talked about why he needs to be where I am all the time and has escalated behaviors to avoid public schools etc. He says he doesn't think it's a bad thing to want to be around me all the time. I told him I was glad he enjoyed my company but he needed to give some thought to the future. I won't be able to go to work with him or follow him around at 40.

He sabatoges all opportunities to do things with his friends. If I try to consequence another way and allow him to do stuff, he ups the anti and as he gets older, his decisions have more life effecting consequences.

I know he has a great deal of anger about his past experiences and rightly so. Therapy has not been effective in helping him get it out despite the numerous therapists that have tried.

Any ideas? He's a really neat kid but this is going to derail his future if he can't get unstuck.

It sounds to me like attachment disorder or issues..

[HIATUS]

yep...id say the same. attachment disorder.

[lucyjoy]

Yes, he has attachment disorder, though more of an anxious attachment at this point. He's had attachment therapy and the therapists wrote him off as not reachable. He has made progress. But right now, he's unhappy, and time keeps moving if he wants it too or not. Looking for another way to reach him or give him a push in a different direction.

[momraine]

Sorry, wish I had some advice. I don't know any answers for you.

[AmyAnne]

This is going to sound weird... but because he's much younger, emotionally, than 16.... have you considered play therapy? I know they say it won't work unless the attachmnt is resolved, but what have you got to lose?

[Anglperfct30]

Hmm You may want to do some research on adults with Attachment disorder.. maybe find some advice that way????
Adult Attachment Disorder

Here is a site and you can google many more.. wish I had more advice..

[Lylac]

No advice..just lots of hugs and prayers.

[HIATUS]

nancy thomas has a few good books. i think parenting with love and logic was a popular one in a thread i read. ( actually a couple )

the wonder of boys is another ( cant think of the author off hand )

there are some alternative therapies ive read about here in some old post..but i think theyve become illegal. so i wouldnt go that route. so that brings it back to nancy thomas. i think shes the ticket.

best of luck with this.

[lucyjoy]

His former family tried play therapy with no success and honestly, I'm not a fan of it for attached kids. We did try some theraplay techniques early on and they helped some.

I do know some adults with attachment disorder, don't know why I didn't think to take this question there. Thanks for reminding me.

Thanks for the Nancy Thomas etc suggestions. I've met her in person and she's fabulous. Met Foster Cline as well and have had the opportunity to talk to him in person as well. I actually have been parenting rad kids long enough to have been involved in some now very controversial attachment therapies. Unfortunately, not the right thing for this young man, even if they were still used.

[Kerbchek]

Well, I really don't have advice either... but I could easily see my J acting like this... yikes...

It sounds to me he may be getting closer to getting better if he's able to verbalize his feelings this way... is he in therapy now? Has he always been able to verbalize his feelings this way? Maybe therapy now, or with a different therapist may now be beneficial where it hadn't been in the past... just a thought.

[HIATUS]

what if the therapist is right....what if hes not reachable?...he is the professional...tho id get a second opinion to be safe. i think all kids can heal.

it might help to wrap your head around it in a different way....RTC?? if hes a danger to your family at all...that could be an option.

[lucyjoy]

It wasn't one therapist that said he was unreachable, it was several. Quite frankly, that's how he ended up here in the first place. I don't think he's unreachable, I just haven't found the right way to reach him yet.

He has way too much insight into himself not to make progess and attachment is on a continuum so always room to move up. Sometimes he verbalizes well, and other times he talks in crazy circles.

Not sure where I'd go to find another therapist if we decide to go that route. I don't find D to be at all dangerous to any of us-he's more self destructive. He likes to try to make me angry but I believe that's about keeping himself stuck as well.

These are all good suggestions, though and that's what I'm looking for-something I missed or something new to try.

[HIATUS]

dont let him get you angry...then he wins.

do you think youd be able to get a one on one with nancy thomas??? ( does she do one on ones? ) some parents cant reach all kids ( NOT saying YOU cant ) but bringin in the "big guns" might be whats needed.

[Kerbchek]

Originally Posted by HIATUS

dont let him get you angry...then he wins.

I'm guessing that would be easier said than done... I think J tries to get me angry on purpose... for some strange attachment disorder reason... I keep telling myself that quote over and over in my head... good luck Lucy...