[janinelewis]

I've been having my potential adoptive son in my home for 2 months now. He has no behavoir problems and he follows directions pretty good. He does have one thing that I wasn't really told about and really didn't notice too much during our visits. He's very feminine and seems to have some gender identity issues. I totally was not prepared for this. I was prepared for other issues. I'm really trying hard to deal with this and I know that this is a very small thing compared to what others have to deal with. I'm wondering about what's going to happen to him once he goes to middle school. I forsee a lot of emotional problems for him as he gets older. The little boys in the neighborhood already notice that somethings not quite right with him. I mentioned this problem to his SW and seems to believe that I can "change" him because he's young (8 years). Counseling was not recommended. My question is, after he's with me for 6 months, if I'm not ready to finalize can I extend it? I have a lot of decisions to make and questions I need answered before I make this match permanent. I feel really guilty for feeling this way, but I have to be honest.

[lucyjoy]

If this is something you don't believe you can adapt to, it may be best to let the SWer start looking for another family for this child now. He may or may not change. It is possible to extend past the sixth month supervision period but that's normally done when the child is having problems and the family situation or therapy options need more stabalizing before completing the adoption.

[HIATUS]

i agree with lucy. best to start looking now. he needs to be raised by someone that will love him no-matter what. and it is best that youre honest about it. i would also make sure the reason for the disruption is part of his file.

[Indy]

I have to disagree. Just because a child acts "feminine" does not make them gay, nor should you make a decision after two months to disrupt. I would strongly recommend NOT having the reason that you are not adopting put in this child's file. This can cause greater issues down the road. I have read MANY files where people put what they "think" in the file and it stereotypes a child.

I would wonder why counseling is not recommended. Depending on other behavior, I would suspect sexual abuse. I would recommend that you see a counselor. You can have him/her work on adoption issues, attachment, behavioral, and talk with them about your concerns. I am sure that any good counselor will tell you that a child may act in many ways to determine their personality. Same sex experimentation is normal. If you are shocked by that remark, you need to do some research.

SWs will tell you whatever they can to get you to keep a child. They are like Army recruiters. I should know, I am a former Army officer.

I would respectfully recommend that you really think about the reason you are considering disruption before giving up on this boy. He is only 8 years old.

As always, this is only my opinion...and you get what you pay for. I hope for the best for you and your son.

[janinelewis]

Thanks for everyone's responses. I don't understand why they didn't reccommend counseling either. But one thing I have to point out, is that I never mentioned the word "gay". I would definetly talk to a counselor before I make any decisions though. I think that his SW was very deceitful. The only paperwork I got on him was a few pages from a doctor's appointment, birth certificate, and social security card. When I asked about his background she claimed she didn't have anymore info. After he was placed with me she would give me bits and pieces about him. Is this how things normally go with this process? I did get in touch with his sister's grandmother who adopted her. They have different fathers. She was going to take him too but declined because of this reason.

[Tudu]

My son is very "feminine", to the point he likes putting on makeup and high heels. I understand this is uncomfortable for some (my DH would love for him to avoid the makeup) but I am not at all put off by this.

Your concern seemed to be about his future emotional problems regarding his nature. Wouldn't it compounded by the fact he was "not good enough to adopt" by not one but 2 women in his life? He will more than likely have emotional issues about his time in fostercare, his life with his family, and adoption in general, this is what you signed on for. One of your jobs as his Mother is to help prepare him for life and provide the services he needs to get through the difficult times. This would be one of them. WHile I don't believe you can change him if he has gender identity issues, he will need his Mother to help him navigate through it. He is a LITTLE boy, he needs a supportive mother and this you can't fake.

Indy is right, this may be within the normal range or it could be related to sexual abuse issues. Get him in counseling and find out what is going on. I hope you are able to come to terms with your issues about this and be the mom I know you want to be.

[Indy]

Originally Posted by janinelewis

Thanks for everyone's responses. I don't understand why they didn't reccommend counseling either. But one thing I have to point out, is that I never mentioned the word "gay". I would definetly talk to a counselor before I make any decisions though. I think that his SW was very deceitful. The only paperwork I got on him was a few pages from a doctor's appointment, birth certificate, and social security card. When I asked about his background she claimed she didn't have anymore info. After he was placed with me she would give me bits and pieces about him. Is this how things normally go with this process? I did get in touch with his sister's grandmother who adopted her. They have different fathers. She was going to take him too but declined because of this reason.

That was me reading to much into your post.

I am sorry. I should be careful not to read to much into what is written.

[HIATUS]

i was reading into it the same way...maybe he has a point, maybe it shouldnt be in the childs file.

if there is a disruption, does it/should it and the details of it become part of the home study??

[Kerbchek]

I'm guessing the reason why counseling wasn't set up is you are from out-of-state and it would be more complicated to organize... and you said somewhere that you don't think his worker is all that great... I would insist on this. I'm very glad we had the counseling services set up through that 6 months of pre-adoption... They asked me over and over if I wanted to extend the 6 months, and I declined... I was in far enough, there would be no turning back... so I'm guessing it varies from state to state, worker to worker, situaiton to situation... I'd just ask.

As far as the gender confusion issues... a while back you did say you noticed him liking dolls and Disneyland priincess stuff... I'm not sure how much more you've noticed, but I think kids will be kids and he probably is functioning more like a younger child than an 8 year old... My J doesn't fit in well with neighborhood kids his age - he's tried, but I can tell by interactions, that there is something different - it's not gender issues, but J has maturity issues - he plays more like an 8 year old than a 13 year old. So I guess my question is, does he do things that would be abnormal for a boy who is a few years younger than him? Maybe its not so much of a gender issue, but more of an age-appropriate issue... not sure, just a thought.

[janinelewis]

He's 8 but he seems to act more like a 6 year old. My bio daughter is 9 and they seem to be years apart. He does play well with other boys. Which he has no choice because that's all we have in the neighborhood anyway. I also found out that his previous foster father found it amusing for him to dress in wigs and makeup and prance around in front of his friends and family. He may have mistaken this for love but I think they were really making a mockery out of him. I will do everything in my power to help him through this. But like I said earlier, I was prepared for RAD and all of the other things everyone else talk about. This one threw me for a loop. He's very happy here and it would not make me feel too good to take it all away from him. I actually feel blessed because I could have gotten a child who's much worse.

[aspenhall]

I think it os also "behavioral conditioning" for acceptance...my dd had all kinds of strange ways to get positive attention...things that were shocking to us, but based on her expectations of our reactions I could tell it was done to get a specific response from us.

Look at the motivators....how does he act when he's by himself...not engaging with others....

I realized the behaviors my dd had that pushed me away and made me feel uncomfortable, was her trying to engage us..and bond in some weird way...

[Kerbchek]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

I think it is also "behavioral conditioning" for acceptance...

I totally agree... He's young, and by what you're saying about his past, he's just trying to be accepted... playing with dolls with your daughter - he was trying to get her to like him - plus that's not so weird...

I actually had similar issues - yet not so similar - a couple of years ago - with my oldest... E. He never had many friends, and it happened to be that one boy from his group of new friends lived really near my home when E first came to me... this kid was kinda strange but charming and E would do things this boy wanted him to do to make sure he kept him as a friend (so he could have at least one friend)... wearing eye liner, netting sleeves (goth stuff), etc... trust me, when the eye doctor told him he needed to clean the eye liner off better it weirded me out a bit as I never had ever thought of wearing make-up and the thought of it actually grossed me out... I didn't positively reinforce that at all (and tried hard not to make him feel shameful)... Then the day came when I found the boys sitting on E's bed with no shirts on under the same cover... sitting side by side... well, they didn't have pants on either - eek! I had a lot of heart to heart sessions with my self wondering how I was going to handle these gender/gay type issues... I didn't want him to feel bad if he were gay, but I didn't think he was gay...he had a girlfriend... he liked boy things too, I also didn't want him to be made fun of etc at school and wasn't sure how my family would handle a gay kid (but I'd take care of that though)...

I just continued to reinforce things I thought were appropriate like helping me fix the lawnmower, changing oil on the van, building shelves, playing sports, doing chores (not being lazy), playing guitar, etc... E had very few, if any positive male role models in his life before me... so I needed to provide those experiences for him...

Their friendship ended when E said he was sick of his friend always trying to get him to sleep in the nude when they had sleepovers, etc... E said he did do it, but he didn't feel good about it, and his friend was always getting naked around him - We had lots of good discussions, but he feels good to not have do those things to have a friend... he has lots of friends now he has lots in common with, he doens't have to do weird things to keep a friend - the biggest reason I open enroll him to his old school after we moved so he doens't have to figure out the whole making new friends thing all over again... stability and appropriate responses to accecptance seeking behavior may be key... Good luck, he's a lucky little boy to have you.

[Lylac]

I agree, that if his issues are too much for you, it's better to end it now. On the otherhand, I know alot of lil boys that play with dolls and acts girly at times.

Just like my lil girl loves playing with trucks and boy toys. Does that make her gender disordered..nope. Sounds normal to me...

Only you know whats really going on, and only you know if you can handle it or not... Sending prayers that you find the answers, and peace in your heart if you don't like the ones you find.

[dadfor2]

I mentioned this problem to his SW and seems to believe that I can "change" him because he's young (8 years). Counseling was not recommended. My question is, after he's with me for 6 months, if I'm not ready to finalize can I extend it? I have a lot of decisions to make and questions I need answered before I make this match permanent. I feel really guilty for feeling this way, but I have to be honest.

to be honest, since your honest on how you feel, I dont think the SW was being decietful. I think maybe you should of been more clearer on your homestudy and stated you didnt want a boy who acted feminine.

Im actually having a problem with this thread. It seems everyone is reporting that he is acting this way for one way or the other. That maybe he can change as he gets older.

I find it hard to read. My kids act different then most kids. But I love them. I dont drag them to counseling because they act 'different'.

He is an 8 yr old boy who doesnt act the 'right way' to you, so you are wondering if you should disrupt him.

If you really have trouble with a boy who doesnt act 'right' for you, then I would really talk to someone about it. NOt for him, but for you. FInd out what bothers you about him.

What is your biggest fear? Maybe you need to do some counseling for yourself to figure out why your not sure if you want him because of how he acts.

I know some posters wrote that he may change, he is young, get him in counseling, well what if he doesnt change? What if his eyes stay blue? most of the time, time doesnt change who they are.

Ive read 'if his issues are too much for you'...this kid doesnt have the issue, its everyone else.

IMHO, he is not the one with the problem.

I actually feel blessed because I could have gotten a child who's much worse.

the funny thing is, I dont see anything wrong with this boy at all. He does sound like a blessing.

Who knows, he may even be transgendered, born with the wrong body parts. Then what?

This thread actually saddens me, he is who he is, its not your job or anyone else's to change who he is so he can be what you want him to be. That will only make him
feel bad about himself. He will if he doesnt already, know that he doesnt act like little johnny.

Let him be who ever he is going to be.

What he needs from you is unconditional love, and if you cant give it to him, then I would seriously think of the disruption as soon as possible.

I do have to say, that i rather have a child that was disrupted for playing with dolls then have a child that was disrupted for killing the pet dog....lol

So I would actually try to get that in his profile, that his disruption was not anything that he did, but it was the aparents uncomfortablity being around a child that might have a gender problem.

My heart breaks for this little boy. What he needs most is love and understanding, not someone dragging him to counseling to be told that he should act more like a boy. What ever that is suppose to look like. Im sure you know the satistics of suicide among our youth. IF you cant accept him, then I would disrupt.

I know you said you feel guilty feeling this way, dont, you are honest, and I think thats a good quaility, so Ill be honest, if you think you need to 'change' him, you will only screw him up even more.

So what you need to think about, can you live with a boy who doesnt conform to what 'some' people think he is suppose to act like.

NOt to lay the guilt, but a disruption is hard on a child and much harder to get adopted. when a person reads 'disruption', alot wont even read further

So I would make sure, if you disrupt this child, that its clear it should not be mentioned, or the reason why.

but I dont think the SW decieved you at all, this 'behavior' is not a 'behavior' at all. Its just a boy who doesnt 'act' like you think a boy should 'act'.

My kids came with their own 'personalities'. My older son will have it tough as he gets older. Well, if we show him he is lovable just the way he is, and no matter what the other kids say, he is a wonderful, beautiful, sensitive little boy, and thats ok, then i hope he doesnt hate himself too much because he isnt like most kids.

So if you really feel you cannot love a child that doesnt act the way you think he should, please dont try to change him. Find a family that can accept him and love him, as every child should have.

now with all that said. Alot of 8 yr old boys act feminine. sometimes, it doenst mean a thing and they grow they out of it. And yet, some dont.

[Kerbchek]

I really do agree with what you have stated Dad... you put things into words well... ...and I'm not sure how well my posts came across... sorry...

...however, I wouldn't suggest counseling just because he acts "different" - I think counseling is good for such transition as moving a kid into an adoptive home - maybe it happens less then I think, but as a family is "re-formatting" itself, I think counseling may be useful... ours was an in-home therapist that worked with all of us as a family - plus janinelewis mentioned things about a former foster parent dressing him up like a girl and putting make-up on him and making him parade around for his amusement... if that's true, there may be unresolved issues that maybe need to be worked on...maybe sexual abuse, I don't really know, but it'd be worth looking into....

...as far as the worker being deceitful... maybe not, but maybe not that competent either... It didn't sound like she received much info about this child before visits... and it seems there was no rational for why counseling was not recommended.

... and I think some of the what I was trying to say wasn't to try to "change" him with appropriate responses to certain behaviors... (here's where a counselor may come in, because I'm no expert and can't seem to say what I'm trying to say right...) but sometimes kids will learn early what gets love and affection from caregivers and friends, and its not always appropriate - love him unconditionally no matter what - for who he is... he's young, and may act younger than he really is - and maybe what he's doing isn't so crazy.

I absolutely DO NOT like to see disruptions happen - sometimes it really needs to happen though becuase of safety issues, etc... but I don't think janienlewis said she was planning to disrupt (maybe eluded to though) - maybe she just wants more information about why such behaviors happen and how to appropriately respond to them ( I will say, I didn't know what to say or do when I walked in on E and his male friend in their underwear under the same blanket - but actually if I walked in on E and his girlfriend doing the same thing, I wouln't know what to say either)... sometimes when things happen like that what we really need is suggestions and support and to be told what we're seeing isn't that abnormal... maybe...