[kburch]

I know it's been a long time since I posted, even though I try to keep up with what's going on with ya'll.

Anyway, long story short, my mom just received notification today that my dad passed away on August 13. So, really, he's been gone for three months, but it's still quite a shock. It should be fairly obvious (by the lack of knowing about it) that my dad was not close with any of my family anymore. But part of me still doesn't want to accept the fact that I'll never have another chance to say goodbye. I was still holding out hope that someday, my dad would get it together enough to be part of our lives again. Now, that dream, with everything else, is dead.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this exactly... I'm just hoping it will help me figure out what I'm feeling, because I'm relieved, p***ed off, shocked, numb, sad, and I don't even know what else right now. And I can't help thinking about my boys right now, either, and how they likely face a similar future in regards to their birthparents. Life sure sucks sometimes.

[lucyjoy]

That would be shocking news and despite whatever hurt he caused, he was your dad. You have every right to feel whatever you feel and that may change hour to hour. There is also the death of the dream-what could have been that now can never be.

So sorry to hear this news. It is so sad.

[zebramom]

Major hugs KB. I can't imagine getting news like this.

When they are no longer here and when you can't say all the things you want/need to say, it's doubly hard.

You can say good-bye. He's in a place to hear you now. If you want to scream, cry, or whatever, you know how to find me. Please do so.

[momraine]

We went through something similar. When my dad passed away it was hard, because I did not know how to feel. My sister had an even harder time, she had no memories of him, because she was so small when he left. She and I went to the funeral, but our feelings were very differen. She felt very little except sadness that she really never knew him, I felt a lot of things, guilt for not having said some things I should have, anger at him for having taken himself out of my life, sadness because he missed out on his grandkids, some good memories, but some bad ones too. Sadness that there were so few family members there. He had seven children, two are deseased but only three of the remaining five were even there, and one left as soon as it was over refusing to even speak with his wife. He has seven grandchildren and none of them were there, he had never even met four of them. Two he met only once. The only sister who had any relationship with him as an adult did not come because I would not give her enough money. (long story, I did offer to pay for her and her daughter to come, but that was not enough for her, she wanted me to pay for her to fly from the city she was in and refused to fly out with us so I could get a package deal, I offered to go get her or buy a bus ticket and my other sister offered to drive her) Anyway, it was hard to know what to say at the funeral when I spoke, since you don't want to say the bad stuff and there was probably more bad than good. It's OK to have mixed feelings, it's OK to feel whatever you feel and for those feelings to change. It's your life and no one can understand it but you. We are here if you need us.

[Lylac]

Hugs KB I'm sorry that your going through this

[babyblock]

Originally Posted by kburch

I know it's been a long time since I posted, even though I try to keep up with what's going on with ya'll.

Anyway, long story short, my mom just received notification today that my dad passed away on August 13. So, really, he's been gone for three months, but it's still quite a shock. It should be fairly obvious (by the lack of knowing about it) that my dad was not close with any of my family anymore. But part of me still doesn't want to accept the fact that I'll never have another chance to say goodbye. I was still holding out hope that someday, my dad would get it together enough to be part of our lives again. Now, that dream, with everything else, is dead.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this exactly... I'm just hoping it will help me figure out what I'm feeling, because I'm relieved, p***ed off, shocked, numb, sad, and I don't even know what else right now. And I can't help thinking about my boys right now, either, and how they likely face a similar future in regards to their birthparents. Life sure sucks sometimes.

Im sorry to hear about your dad. I dont really know the whole story but it sounds like youre really hurting . You are very much in my prayers. God bless you. Amy

[babyblock]

are you going to be ok?

[kakuehl]

KB, the emotions you describe are all part of the grief process. You have a lot to work through, including his absence from your life and the lack of reconciliation. At some point you might try writing him a letter and saying all the things you want to say.

Be patient with yourself. Grieving is hard work.
May God's peace be with you.

[tybeemarie]

My condolences on the loss of your father. It is very understandable that you have complex feelings about his passing. Grief is complex to begin with, grieving for a parent is life-changing, and grieving for an absent parent is necessarily going to involve all the feelings you listed, and probably more. As we tell our kids, there is no shortcut to feeling the feelings, even if they are really hard. Sending prayers your way.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kburch

my mom just received notification today that my dad passed away on August 13. So, really, he's been gone for three months, but it's still quite a shock. ...my dad was not close with any of my family anymore.

But part of me still doesn't want to accept the fact that I'll never have another chance to say goodbye. I was still holding out hope that someday, my dad would get it together enough to be part of our lives again. Now, that dream, with everything else, is dead.

And I can't help thinking about my boys right now, either, and how they likely face a similar future in regards to their birthparents. Life sure sucks sometimes.

Your heart must be devastated. What a burden, when you hoped for so much to have it cruelly snatched from you like that. I'm trying to think of what may help ease some of this.

I wondered how you would feel about writing a letter to your father? Tell him how you feel about him, what you would have liked to know about him, his hopes, his dreams, his disappointments, what he was proud of, not so proud of, all that kind of thing? Kinda talk to him as if he was meeting up with you. I find that by writing my feelings down, make it hand written, not typed, there is something therapeutic about doing so. Find a quiet spot that means something to you, alone, talk to him as if he was there. Tell him, cry for him, be angry or frustrated at your loss, but share your emotions with the peaceful spot you have chosen, time as if it is your time with him. Perhaps this is the place you may wish to start your letter, alone with your thoughts.

You may find that you also want to learn as much as you can about him from others that knew him. I found that helpful, as I never met my grandmother or grandfather on my mothers side, and I managed to get a cousin that could say something little about her, but nothing about him. Even those small crumbs are what I treasure and hold close to my heart.

I even changed my surname by deed poll to my mothers mothers maiden name, part of grieving and part of identity, when my own mother died, leaving me realising that I knew absolutely nothing about her side of the family.

My half brother's father was killed in battle when he was 3 weeks old. My brother grew up not knowing how to cope with my father who took him on under his surname. He later changed his surname back to his fathers' albeit by this time my brother was by now about 60. He also found out as much as he could about his fathers regiment, which part of the SAS he belonged to, got hold of a chap that wrote a book about the war effort that involved his Dad that kind of thing. He also goes to his grave in Holland every year to commemorate and wears his medals.

Perhaps amongst this, there may be something that you find you'd like to do, some direction you'd like to take over your lost father?

Fathers can come across as non interested in their family. I have one like that. Look at Ravensongs posts and find the one that talks about her father and how he broke down like a child and cried. I've seen my father do that. There is always baggage and a story behind each persons reasons for holding back from family. Like Ravensong explained, her grandmother was superb to her, but mean as heck to her father.

Never take it on face value from one's that have been on the receiving end of someone, say like your father, there may have been reasons.

I have such a case where my father is bitter against my grandmother on my mothers side. She was fine with everyone else, but apparently mean to my dad. She was disruptive to the marriage, she couldn't stand my dad, and made it clear she just didnt' like him.

I now understand my father better and where he is coming from. There may be pieces of information you can gather about your father that may help you put a more composite picture of him together? How is this sounding for you? I know at the minute you are bound to be overwhelmed with grief as to what was so close and yet so far, then lost.

Go for the letter first. It doesn't matter what kind of person your father turns out to be, he was your father. Tell him all that is in your heart and how you'd feel if he was standing there before you all the questions you'd like to ask, what things in your life you'd think might have made him happy. I hope it helps. Warm love and hugs being sent your way, I feel so much for your devastated heart, I can't say I know exactly how you must be feeling, but please share with us and then we'll know, have some idea?

Your thoughts can help someone else to cope with the same kind of situation, help us to know what may be the right thing to say. What you have to say is valuable, please keep posting...

[tlmerrie]

I'm so glad you wrote, and that I saw your post and read it.

My father took off about eight years ago and as an adult, I chose to let him go without trying to maintain a relationship. His leaving ironically changed my life for the better. I was able to grieve the past, and the pain he caused, to talk about the things he did that hurt me for the first time. He never abused me, but was a compulsive cheater and sometimes involved me in his secrets when I was a small child. And I carried those secrets with me until he left and I finally felt like I could tell my mother.

But I wonder what it will be like when he passes. Will it be months before I know? Or will I hear about it the same day? I don't know. And I wonder how I'll feel and if I'll go to the funeral. It feels like he's already been gone.

Thanks for writing.

Amy

[kburch]

Thanks, all, for your support and kind words. I really appreciate it.

At this point, I think I'm actually feeling kind of annoyed, because while I have lots of other things to do, I can't seem to stop thinking about my dad. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but it feels so weird to be obsessing about someone I haven't seen in almost two and a half years. Someone I only gave an occasional thought to. But I am, and I think I'm going to drive my DH crazy, because I don't want to talk about anything else.

At the same time, it seems ironic that I had been thinking about him a lot the last few days. I had a pretty rough weekend dealing with other emotional issues, and I even journaled about how I'm more like my dad than I want to admit, and not in good ways, either. And I was working on my Christmas present list and thinking about the envelope full of pictures that I've been saving for him and how I'd soon be adding to it. Now, I'm not sure what I want to do with it. The logical part of me says to take them out of the dumb envelope and put them with my other photos, but I'm not sure I can do it. Do I bury it with him? Just keep it? Send it to his sister? Burn it? Guess I just need to hang on to it until I figure it out.

I just can't help thinking how much he missed out on. The last time I saw him was when we met at a Big Boy's restaurant so he could meet his two new grandsons. And even then, he wouldn't tell us where he was staying, and he let his cell phone lapse (or disconnected it?) soon afterward. I'm glad my sons got to meet him, but at some level it feels almost cruel for them to only have seen him once.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I'm going to go hop in the shower. Thanks for listening.

[Indy]

I am so sorry this has happened.

Though I cannot claim to understand the feelings you are having about your father's passing, I can relate to his leaving. My bio father left my mother, me, and 3 brothers in the mid 70's. He was gone for several years before we heard from him. I have never been close to him, even to this day. He has not met 6 of my sons. We have not spoken or seen each other for 4-5 years. I once sent him a letter that kind of sealed our relationship. I said some very hurtful things, that were sadly true. I mourn not for him, but for the lost relationship.

Gather your loved ones around you...feel the love from them...it will give you hope and carry you through this.

You are in my prayers and thoughts.