[Barksum]

((hugs)) Kb. If only our emotions would be more logical and convenient! Be patient, walk yourself through the initial time of grief. Be willing to give yourself a break, and to talk about it - even if that seems silly at the time.

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by tlmerrie

But I wonder what it will be like when he passes. Will it be months before I know? Or will I hear about it the same day? I don't know. And I wonder how I'll feel and if I'll go to the funeral. It feels like he's already been gone.

Thanks for writing.

Amy

This will be me and my father eventually. There's the abuse that no one in the family will acknowledge and then there really never has been a relationship anyway. As much as I worked through the feelings in therapy and forgiven and forgiven again, I don't know how I'll feel when he dies - I still think I will grieve the father I never had. I don't know if I will go to his funeral either. I'd have to stand up and say something not so nice (i.e. reality) and the relatives wouldn't like that.

My heart goes out to you, Kb. This is always tough.

Fran

[kune]

kburch
Firstly, my thoughts to you and your family coming to terms with the loss of someone who was close to you. It is never easy.

Are you involved in a church group? Maybe you could consider holding a memorial service for your father so you and your family (Mom) could find some closure. Like has been suggested, you don't need to acknowledge the hurt, but perhaps accentuate the place he did have in your life. I definitely think it would be good for your children.

Just a suggestion. You can even have it at your home with your extended family present. Perhaps light a symbolic candle that signifies the eternal place he has in your heart.
Ann

[SAHmom]

Hugs sent your way!

[waited2long]

KB... I hope you find an easy way through this for yourself. As many others have said, let the feelings come and deal with them as best you can. Don't look for them, but don't put them off either.

Hugs and a shoulder if you need one.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by kburch

Thanks, all, for your support and kind words. I really appreciate it.

At this point, I think I'm actually feeling kind of annoyed, because while I have lots of other things to do, I can't seem to stop thinking about my dad.

I'm sure it sounds stupid, but it feels so weird to be obsessing about someone I haven't seen in almost two and a half years.

Someone I only gave an occasional thought to. But I am, and I think I'm going to drive my DH crazy, because I don't want to talk about anything else.

At the same time, it seems ironic that I had been thinking about him a lot the last few days. I had a pretty rough weekend dealing with other emotional issues,

and I even journaled about how I'm more like my dad than I want to admit, and not in good ways, either.

And I was working on my Christmas present list and thinking about the envelope full of pictures that I've been saving for him and how I'd soon be adding to it. Now, I'm not sure what I want to do with it. The logical part of me says to take them out of the dumb envelope and put them with my other photos, but I'm not sure I can do it. Do I bury it with him? Just keep it? Send it to his sister? Burn it? Guess I just need to hang on to it until I figure it out.

I just can't help thinking how much he missed out on. ...I'm glad my sons got to meet him, but at some level it feels almost cruel for them to only have seen him once.

Just a thought, but I would say don't try to figure out what your father missed out on. To him, he may have been fulfilled. I made that mistake. My mother, bless her, thought going to the bingo and having fish and chips down the local market was fulfilling. Never in a million years would that fulfil me!!! So don't tread that board, because he may have been happy with what he had during the times he was trying to cope with life as it was for him?

Yes, your sons got to meet him, but that was good, because you have a memory. My half brother never got to meet his father at all nor his grandparents, they died before he was old enough to remember?

You will always have regrets. Its part of the grieving process. Even if the situation had of been 'fine' before he died, there would be regrets, the what if's and should I have done that, or why didn't I say this or that, or why didn't I go see him, it torments a person, but as long as you recognise it for what it is. Grieving.

Anger is another part of grief. Anger at him leaving, anger of what could have been. Its not stupid to obsess about someone you haven't seen for 2½ years, he's your father!!! and there is a deep sense of needing to identify, be acknowledged that runs deep, believe me, I've had it for over 40 years and only recently made contact with my father. And, I am soooo like him, bad bits and all. So don't feel as if everything has to be lovey dovey and all the good happy images that is fantasy that the television makes us all feel we have to achieve in family life, real life - well its nothing of the sort. Families are hard work and always have been.

Of course you want to talk about him. When someone has died, do we just get on with life??? NO!!!! What is weird about society and Verrier mentions it is this weird thing that society expects you not to grieve more than a socially expected amount of time and then expects you to GET ON WITH IT!!! its so cruel. Grieving can take many many years. Its formidable, but it can be handled. Please, please, do recognise you are grieving and you are confused by emotions for someone that from what I can make out, you have had relationship problems with. Its ok to grieve someone that you possibly don't even like. If my father died, I would grieve, even though the relationship has been pretty much non existent and I'm 51 now.

I'm more like my Dad too. There is so much I don't like about him and so much I don't like about myself that i feel I take after him. But. He's my dad. Thats the bottom line. He's your dad and you will love him for that alone. Dont be hard on yourself, just go with the flow of your emotions and realise that you will drift in and out of different stages of healing. This includes anger, sadness, numbness, denial, happier times, all kinds of stuff. Be kind to yourself like you would a friend.

As to the photos, I would keep those to one side. I would still keep that special package that you'd put aside for him and keep it as such. If your feelings get too much, let someone else be a 'guardian' for it, take it out of the house even, if that makes you feel more comfortable. Don't dismantle it just yet, it was a focal point in your relationship with him and it means a lot to you.

When I couldn't cope with my reunion with my son, i wrapped his pictures up and put them away in a wardrobe, or out of sight, until the pain subsided again. It took some time before I was ready to see them again. Then I put them back up again. Then I took them down again... they've stayed up now for a bit, but I'm just saying this to show you how emotions can ebb and flow and sometimes be outright furious in their intensity and at other times calmer.

Take care of yourself, don't be harsh on yourself. Instead of a shower, have a bath, sprinkle some rose petals in it or some favourite aroma, lavender even, put some candles around it and savour the moments if possible alone. Keep venting and posting on these forums. We're here. We're listening. (((hugs))))