[missw005]

Ok, ladies. I know, I know.......I'm asking for help again dealing with my mother. This is just much harder than I thought it would be.
She DID come over Monday night for Q's family birthday party. She was very cold to me - I think the only thing she said the entire evening was that she did not want chocolate milk (Q's drink of choice) and wanted water instead.
She wasn't overly friendly to the boys either, which is interesting as this is supposedly her entire point. Part of it was that they were too busy playing with their cousins (who they rarely see), but frankly there were many opportunities when she could have hugged/kissed/played with them during the party, and didn't. That was her choice.
The boys also didn't make that big of a deal about her being here - they did get excited when she pulled into the driveway, but that was about it.
So I thought, well, that's fine. It'll help them with not seeing her for visits and eventually the move.

Today I got this email with the title "let's meet":
Choose a neutral setting Friday or over the weekend and let's talk.
Both sides need to be heard.
Thanks,
Mom

First of all, I'm thinking - both sides? Both sides of what? Your side of making threats???? As for being heard - I've heard plenty.

I just don't know what to say. I'm fine with things as they are, and in my mind, nothing has changed except her desire to talk about it.

Please help me think of a good response, as my brain is fried from dealing with this entire situation, and frankly I'm tired as I have a bad cold and have not been sleeping well.

I'd appreciate it.

Sandy

[jumpingfroggy]

The opinion of a single parent whose mother is around a lot:

When she says that both sides need to be heard, it sounds to me like she thinks you both are equals in this situation. You're not. You are their parent. She is interferring with your ability to do your job. You have already put your foot down. End of discussion. You are moving on and replying will just drag you back into the arguement. You have your kiddos to worry about.

[athikers]

My opinion... you don't respond at all. What could it possibly accomplish, she's proven she's not rational. Don't email her back, don't take her phone calls. When YOU are ready, you can reinstate the contact, if she doesn't want it at that time, well, you know how great its been so far, so that might be okay.

Just my two cents... I have a controlling manipulative parent myself and I understand that you just wish they could see how great a mom you are... but they can't they don't see the world like you see it and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Don't put your kids through what you went through.

[Barksum]

Jumping made a great point: this is NOT an equal relationship, and not even really a two way street. This is your street, your bus. She gets on, or doesn't. That's her choice.

I think that not responding is a good option; if you feel the need to respond keep it simple and polite, and don't rehash what you've already made plain.

[ajjhmf]

I have to agree. This is a one way street and if she can't handle it, then that is no longer your problem.

If it were me, I would probably respond simply saying thank you ofr the e-mail but you don't feel you have anything left to discuss with her.

[missw005]

I'm not going to respond to her email.

I did talk with J a little bit about how he thought it went at Q's party, seeing Grandma again. His comment was that all she did was talk to my SIL and just patted him on the head. His feelings were very hurt, even though he was trying not to let it show.
That sealed the deal for me.
He was my last thread of a holdout, as it was his relationship to her that always niggled at the back of my heart/brain, letting in guilt that I know should not be there for walking away from her.
I won't let her hurt him again, or Q, and especially me for that matter. I've had a lifetime of hurt already from her manipulation and control freak crapola.
I think I just needed to hear the cold hard truth from friends who aren't biased by knowing her in person, or knowing my family in general, and truly have MY and my CHILDREN'S best interests at heart.

Good friends always give you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not, because they know you need it and can't see it for what it truly is.

I thank you all for that.

Sandy

[AudreyE]

There are no "both sides".. there is only one side... that of you and your children.

My mother used to try that crap. I started ignoring her emails and phone calls. She eventually came around. You do not need to be held hostage to her and her problems.

It took me years of therapy to figure out an important thing... mothers don't always love the way they should, and they don't always have best interests at heart, despite our fantasy views of how that may be the case. I had to get over my fantasy and move on. You may have to as well... and I'm oh so sorry about that.

Audrey

[aspenhall]

I had to get over my fantasy too

There is only your side

hers is an opinion, not a side...she doesn't get a vote...you do.