[kay]

I wrote before about our Saturday night adventures, when C came home at 4:30 Sunday morning.

Yesterday he came home as directed and called right after school. I asked him to do a few chores, and he knew he was to stay home. I got home, no C, no chores, no note, no phone call. Again a text, saying he was at the movies so couldn't call. He got home this morning at 1:00.

Right now my mood is that I have had it. I don't have a son, I have a boarder who doesn't contribute at all to the house or the family, and comes and goes as he pleases.

He is still going to school, and is not destroying the house - other than that, we're right back to where we were when I sent him to Oregon. He's to go to my therapist with me on Friday - but that's only if he feels like it and decides to comply, and I absolutely can't trust him out of my sight.

I'm ready to send him to another boarding program, yet I know that's not the solution either. He needs to learn how to function in a family - he can't do that in an RTC, but he's refusing to do it here.

Right now the only light I'm seeing is from the oncoming train!!

[Tudu]

I wish I could shake some sense into him but we all know that only works in the movies. Is he involved with probation? Can you file unruly charges on him and get htem involved? At least if he was "boarded" somewhere it could be close like detention.

[Lorraine123]

I don't think that an RTC is a bad choice. True, he doesn't experience living in a family, but at his age, do you really think he can learn that? Sometimes learning life skills is what these kids need.

I also think you should look into getting the law involved. That way he will (hopefully, maybe) see that his behavior is serious. It isn't just mom being stupid, its society saying that his actions are not ok.

Does your area have a curfew? If so, is he violating it?

I think he needs a reality check. He may have to spend some time in jail. That possibly will shake him up.

Hard to do, I know. But tough love always is.

[Barksum]

((hugs)) Will continue to pray for you and C.

[lucyjoy]

This is a no fun place to be. You have to consider what is and isn't within your control. Is your son safe out all night? You can't do a lot to prevent his choices. You have to work and cannot follow him 24/7. A boarding school or RTC may be the right option for him.

Can you find a job in a different environment? Do you want to live in an environment that provides him less opportunity to be out all night(and yes, kids who want trouble find it anywhere you go)

If the courts got involved would it help or be more hassle for you?

If he wants to be a boarder, he needs to pay for things. He needs to wash his own clothes that he buys. He needs to prepare his own food. Exchange these items for chores. He either is a respectful family member or he needs a reality check on what supporting oneself and running ones own life really means.

None of this is fun. And be sure he understands his need to do these things is for YOU, not him. Our kids tend to think solely of themselves. Yours seems to care about you, just doesn't get the impact his choices have on you. He thinks you nag him to protect him and he thinks(wrongly) that he needs no protection. At least, that's how it appears from your postings. I could be way off base.

Good luck. This is not an easy time.

[Star_Gazer]

Kay,

I had a similar situation with my son last year.
During his 9th grade year in high school he began to make some poor choices in regard to drinking, drugs, peer choices, disrespect, bad language, disobeying rules, running away (he would try to cause conflict so he could say “I’m leaving” and then run away to his girlfriend’s house).

I ended up sending my son to a military boarding school which has worked well for him.
It has the structure and discipline he needs and when he comes home on furloughs or breaks he seems to be trying harder to make good choices.
Of course, now he doesn’t have the constant influences from his friends at the school he used to attend which helps.


Will continue to pray for you and C.

[tybeemarie]

Kay,

I am really sorry. I have no answers, but I think Lucy is on the right trail. I think if he lives as a boarder, then boarder it is. That means he pays for the use of the space, and of course, that means less fun for him. My landlords have never taken me out on the town, that's for sure.

The tragedy is, of course you DO want to take him out on the town and share fun and feelings and the work of being in a family.

I would really recommend Katherine Leslie's books, When a Stranger Calls You Mom, and Coming to Grips with Attachment. I think he needs you to coach him on some specific skills. Not refraining from things like going out, but skills like greeting you when you see each other, asking you how your day was, that kind of thing. She also does a great job of laying out how important it is for us to get our needs met as parents--for us, because we deserve it, but also for them, because without these skills, they will not meet ANYONE'S needs, and they will not have love or relationship anywhere with anyone. Sad, sad, sad.

I am really sorry you are going through this. What a slap in the face to come home after working all day and finding no son and no chores. Very hurtful. You are a warm, loving mother, and you deserve a lot better than this.

[Original Mike]

Given his age, I think that I would take a pass on any of the attachment and parenting stuff and just lay down the law, literally.

Curfew laws vary from city to city, but I bet yours isn't until 4am for a 16yo. I would tell him that the next time he comes in after he is supposed to, you WILL call the police. (In reality, you might wait until after curfew kicks in.) Then, make sure you do it.

Kay, you are a great Mom. In fact, you might just be TOO nice. I don't think C thinks you will drop the hammer. I think C needs to see that you are serious and WILL have him locked up. Will he be furious? Yes. Will he cuss you out? Maybe. But you will have lain down the law.

A night in juvie might wake him up a bit, or it might not. At least the juvenile authorities might be able to put some restirctions on him that you can't. (Home monitoring or random drug tests, anyone??)

Just keep your resolve and remember, you are a parent. You are not a doormat! you can do it!

Mike

[kay]

Lucy, I do think you're on the right track here. I've been thinking about this all day. He is not safe out all night, but so far, the courts have been much more hassle for me than for him - somehow this needs to become his problem, not mine! I think I will call the police, primarily to ask about "contributing to the deliquency of a minor", since one of the "kids" who's keeping him out all night is 20.

No more treats. Tybee's right, I DO want to treat him, because I love him, but all that does is feed his sense of entitlement, and does nothing to instill "family". In terms of chores, I'm going to be telling myself I live alone, and just do everything - for myself. He can join me for meals, or he can feed himself - but no more food treats kept just for him. I'll still be giving him a one-time monthly clothing allowance, but that will now be it in terms of allowance - he's going to have to earn that through behavior. I'll be talking this over both with the wraparound folks and with the therapist on Friday.

I really haven't wanted to send him away again, because I love him so much and want so much for him to be an active member of the family - but I'm getting the wakeup call that he's *not* an active member of the family right now. So I'll be discussing RTC options, too, to see if that's the right decision.

Thanks, all, for your insight. It really has helped, a lot!

[bumblebeeskies]

Did anyone else see the series called "Juvie" earlier this year? It documented several kids in the juvenile system and how they got there. Did the kids learn their lesson? I doubt it. The documentary showed these kids playing endless games of cards and bragging amongst themselves about their many misdeeds. The kids probably left with more tricks than they came with.