[ajjhmf]

Not wanting to hi-jack Skirbo's thread, I decided to start my own.

We spend so much time thinking about how to talk to our kids about their birth parents (and previous caregivers), do we really have time to process our own feelings on the matter.

So, here is the question....just how do you feel?

[aspenhall]

I feel sorry for A's bmom. She is a classic case of foster-care system let-down.

I know she has some level of RAD, I know she was SA by her own father. I know if she had any kind of decent support system in place and some serious therapy, her life could be so much happier. I know she is living the only way she knows how...which is day to day avoiding anything unpleasent or uncomfortable.

I sincerely hope that she will be able to parent this new baby...and if not, I hope she calls me. I wish she'd allow me to be her support system. But her life experiences have taught her that no one should be trusted.

[zebramom]

I hate everything that T's birth family did to him. I hate what they "made him" with the drinking, drugs, sex in front of him, and so on. I hate that he is so damaged because of their stupidity.

However, I am grateful that I have my son, which some days is a stretch to feel, but I do love him.

I despise the things that Shorty's family did to her and didn't prevent, but I am so grateful to have this beautiful little girl. I am grateful that her birth mom did not drink and do drugs like T's did.

It is very hard to say positive things about people who can do some things that are so despicable to a little child.

[lucyjoy]

Some of my kids parents were also former members of the lovely foster care system, some were in countries where poverty left them no way to feed their children.

I don't know if I feel sad for them so much as I wonder what I'd have done had I lived the lives they were forced to live. Would I have had the capacity or desire to chose differently then they did?

Maybe sad is the right word. I wonder if the circumstances in their lives had been different, would they have made good parents?

Some of my kids bparents are different people today then they were when their kids were little. I'm glad for them and for my children.

[AmyAnne]

Wow. That's a good question. I have not ALLOWED myself to have feelings about A's birth parents, because I have been so busy focusing on my mantra "If it weren't for them I'd never have met him".

I hate what they did to him. They made SO MANY bad choices that scarred my son, and his siblings. Because of their actions he's had his heart broken ten times over at least. If there is a hole in your heart for everyone you have loved and lost, his would look like swiss cheese. Or maybe a colander.

But? I don't hate THEM. I know they have suffered as well and I don't think they're living their life guilt-free and unpunished.

It does make me mad that they don't seem to have learned from their mistakes, at least that's what I hear. I pray they have by the time he's 18 and wants to see them. They've broken his heart once. I don't think I'll feel as charitable towards them if they break it again.

[greenrobin]

For me it depends on the day and which kid.

For C's mom, I feel absolute confusion. She taught her own daughter to lie and manipulate. She gets what she wants by trading C for it. It leaves me nauseated.

For the Fantastic 4, I alternately feel pity and anger. The woman has a psychiatric disorder. She self-medicates to make the voices stop. Then she does bad things to her kids. The older 3 are probably RAD, the youngest, I don't think so.

The beauties I had this summer, for their mom and dad I feel nothing at all. They've done damage, they've had a child die, and now their lovely children will live with grandma and aunt forever. I'm glad they have loving family who wants them. I pray they protect them.

For Bubba and Missy's mom--I don't even know. Addiction is a wicked master and slaves only do what they're told. Some of it was horrendous, but the kids are wonderful. If all goes well, they won't be hurt again.

I've been doing this for 1 year now. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but I find that I no longer think about the parents unless someone mentions it. It eats me up inside to ponder the horror show that these kids lived. I don't dismiss it. I deal with it as it comes up for them. But I don't waste my energy on the parents. The kids are too precious and I don't ever want those bad feelings I might have to somehow communicate themselves to our foster babies.

They deserve better of me than that.

[Original Mike]

For M's birth parents, I really feel a sense of superiority to them. I also don't understand them. Considering this kid has basically NO issues, is very bright, and has a wonderful personality, how could they just dump a kid like this the way I might dump a bag of trash?? I will never understand this one, but I know that I feel like I've won the lottery with him.

For T's birth mom, I feel revulsion. What she exposed him to and allowed to happen around him just appalls me. People like her should be forcibly sterilized to prevent them from damaging any more kids.

[Lylac]

Hmm this is on a good day for me..so I'll be nice.

For L's bparents I feel absolutely nothing, nada, numb. I care more about a blade of grass than I do them.. Even hating them would be too much emotion to spend on them.....and like I said I'm being nice.

B's...bmom, I feel exactly the same as I do for L's. His bdad well he's unknown, so what is there to feel about him. The guy that hurt B..same as the others.

A's bparents... I respect them for knowing that they couldn't handle parenting a SN child, and placing her at birth...The only thing that i hold against bmom is "if" she would have gotten prenatal care, things "might" be different for A....but thats a BIG might...A's problems doesn't come from alcohol or drugs, but from a virus that bmom had during early pregnacy...and it's very rare at that.

[ajjhmf]

I feel sad for J's birthmom. She's missing out on one heck of a little man. She made a choice with J that she didn't make with his brothers. She handed him over to the county because she knew she couldn't care for him. In that moment, she thought of his well being over hers and saved him from the abusive lifestyle she lived. But at the same time I think of what an amazing son I have because of her. And for that I am eternally grateful.

I have anger at J's foster parents though. J came to them at 6wks old. They let him go at age 4. I have a harder time comprehending that. But even hard is the abuse and neglect he suffered while living with them. He was described as a typical loving 4yo with a minor speech delay. He was a horribly shut down, globally delayed, traumatized, abused and neglected little boy who was in no way ready for he upheaval his life was about to endure. I got one glimpse of him and knew I could never let him go. They had four years and turned their backs on him like he was last weeks paper boy.

Yet, she is his mama. I can never hold that place in his heart. My place is different. I would drop everything and die for him. But she can't be bothered to write or call or even pick up the phone when we call. We got through to them last month only because we called on a cell number we've never used before. First time in over 2 1/2 years. His joy at hearing their voices and my knowing how little they cared just broke my heart.

[Kansas Girl]

R's bdad died (A "suspicious" drowning is all we know) when he was six. Bmom passed away of liver failure at age 35, when R was 9. When we told R, he said, "good, now she can't come back to get me."

I don't know if I feel anything towards them or for them. I just wonder how they got to where they did and what were their parents like. We also light candles for them at church and pray for them.

As for R's multiple foster parents, I get extremely angry. Now, all you foster parents out there who do a good job for your children, this isn't about you....this is only about R's foster parents. None of them did anything for him - fed and clothed him, basically, that was about it. In his first foster home, he was sexually abused by his sister - he told the FM and she didn't do anything at alll about it - he had to continue to live in fear of his sister's intimidation. He also got locked in a closet in the same home for telling the police that a certain person was at the home when they came asking for this person (plus got moved after that!). He was diagnosed with RAD at age six - was supposed to at least go to counseling but the FP couldn't be bothered....it was too far to drive - we're talking about a counseling office within the same metro area. When he first came to live with one of the first things we had to work through was that if he messed up or did poorly at school he thought for sure he would come home, we'd have clothes for him in a paper bag, and he would have to leave. No one helped him work through anything.....if he misbehaved, he got moved, a lot of times with no explanation.

Fran

[ajjhmf]

Originally Posted by Kansas Girl

None of them did anything for him - fed and clothed him, basically, that was about it.

That pretty much sums up J's experience with his foster family as well. I can't imagine that. I pour everything into my kids. It's something I can't fathom, ya know?

[Lorraine123]

This is such a difficult thing for me. I read that some of you feel nothing for your child's birthparents, and I wish that were me. Nothing would be better than the anger that I feel.

When S first came to us, I felt pity for her birthmom. I was very sad for her. She too was abused and was in the foster care system, so I viewed her as a victim.

As time went on, I learned more and more about the history of my daughter. I learned about the alcohol use during pregnancy, the drug use before and after birth, the total neglect because her daughter wasn't important to her, the beatings, the allowance of her boyfriends to abuse her child, the sexual abuse she herself inflicted on her daughter. I could go on, but it makes me very angry to even think about it.

I get angry when I have take on the anger that my daughter feels for her birthmom. I get to deal with the rages, the aggression, the manipulation, the peeing, the lack of conscience, the inability to love. I get the fallout every day and her birthmom got nothing. So, yes, I am angry.

I do know that my anger is not healthy, and I pray for God to soften my heart every day. But tell me, how can a human being take a child, an absolutely innocent child and hurt them so deeply that they can no longer love? I don't understand it and I just can't wrap my brain around it.

S asks me frequently if I will go with her when she meets her birthmom as an adult, and I tell her that, yes, I will go with you. Please God, work in my heart prior to that day because I don't know how I will do it.

[athikers]

As a foster parent, I hate knowing that other foster parents don't bust their tale for their kids... no matter how "temporary" they might be. That part of all your posts saddens me.

I feel saddness for Pixie's parents who are just not capable of caring for her for a variety of reasons, mostly out of their control. There are times when they make decisions that, despite guidance from others (they are never alone with Pixie), are really poor... and that makes me annoyed, more annoyed than angry. Annoyed at a system that would continue to expose a baby to unfit parents FOR MONTHS after they know she's not going home.

Teeter and Big Sis's parents... I feel sorry for. Having one baby is no picnic... adding another very medically fragile baby when your daughter is only 14 months old would be difficult for the BEST family. Throw in a large amount of dysfunction, poor support system and poor parenting... and your kids end up with me for a few months while you figure out life. They love their children very much, it was just too much too handle for them. Hopefully, they can figure out how and move forward.