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Originally Posted By barki

Have any of you had to deal with grief and loss issues? (Ok, that's a no brainer, but it hasn't been talked about alot. Or have I been spacing it? LOL) Here's a theoretical child and situation for you:

Child, aged 13, recently (within last 18 months, permanent planning includes finding adoptive family) placed into foster care, birthparents are not visiting, TPR/relinquishment are in the works. Child loves mom, dad been gone awhile and is not in the scene. Child understands that he can't live with mom, but is struggling with why things are this way, how to go forward and all those conflicting emotions. Is in counselling. Is now having to consider having yet another family after his foster family.

Anyone been in a similar situation? I have ideas on how to handle this, how to talk, etc. but would like some real life input.

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Originally Posted By Mike

Jimmy didnt come into foster care till he was almost 11. He was abandoned by his mom and has a lot of trouble realizing that she didnt fight to keep him.

In addition to regular counseling, I've found that Jimmy feels better when he's allowed to talk about his mom. I always listen when he talks about her. (Apparently, the Creamcheeses thought he shouldn't do that because he was just being "ungrateful" to them). I never pass judgement on her, nor offer any opinion. Most of it is just his emotional venting.

Sometimes, my heart just aches for this kid. I don't think he's ever been allowed to grieve his losses in any of his earlier placements. His workers think that this is why he's taken to me so much, because I'm adopting him AND his past. The evil Creamcheeses just wanted to adopt a cute kid and tried to lock away his past.

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Originally Posted By louise

in my experience this can be one of the more difficult areas to navigate in older child adoption. I consider over the age of eighteen months older and I do believe that every adopted person, at some point in their lives and regardless of age at time of placement, will process their adoption and the emotions that surface. That said, the almost unending grief that exists within those adopted at later age can be overwhelming. Much of the acting out, the ODD, ADHD like behaviour, lying and stealing is, in part, I believe grieving. As children recover and heal in loving consistent enviornments, that grief can lay dormant only to rear again at an unexpected time. A change in seasons, an anniversary, a flashback. I have come to understand , that while I can assist my children in the healing process, I cannot fully eliminate the pain. I can listen and empathise but cannot fully understand their life experience. In allowing them to both own and experience their grief, I have helped free each of them to embrace their present life and remember past lives. Acknowlegement of pain and sadness can be affirming. Coexisting with pain, even as we celebrate milestones with our children, can be validating for those children. Dealing with our conflict of recognizing the importance of first families, even those families illequiped to parent, is affirming for our children and their existence in our world. Meeting that grief means, in some way, grieving ourselves and living in two worlds, the world of joy and the other world, pain. Just as our children do.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

Even as we come to terms with the grief and loss issues of the children, we also have to deal with our own losses. Any loss in a persons life always brings back those memories of their most significant loss, and sometimes ALL their losses. It can be very difficult to accept a birth family, but it has to be done unconditionally......

What "makes" us and our children are first the past, then the present, and then dreams for the future. Every tear, every laugh, every angry or hurtful word spoken to a child is who they are, as well as who we are! Every unspeakable bit of abuse, neglect and abandonment is who they are. The very best they can be is people who, not in spite of, but because of the past they have learn to live again.

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Last Friday night Ralph had his first meltdown and Angie had one earlier this evening. For Ralph, a lot of sadness, and then the "I don't want to live, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm bad, I don't want to be here". For Angie, a lot of tears (I've been around enough adult survivors to know the anguish/pain of the type of soul-rocking grieving that comes from abandonment issues) and the same sort of thoughts - "I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I don't want to live" etc. Have to talk to the caseworker tomorrow, but how much of this is "drama", is this another twist on "if we act bad enough they'll send us back like everyone else" or is this "usual" for kids finally being placed? (both of these two had numerous foster placements and an earlier disrupted adoption). They are responding well to the boundaries, but in a way it's still a tough process, and I think the thought that this time might be for real is really scaring them. My husband finally got Angie to talk to him and when she said "I hate you" he quickly replied "and I love you anyway" and she came out of it.

I think the milestone tonight was when Angie gave her brother a hug goodnight for the first time since we've had them.

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Originally Posted By louise

grief then it probably is grief. That said, many of our children figure out the manipulative piece very early on, it is so much a survival mechanism. Even if Ralph's and Angie's grief has a manipulative component, I would treat it as raw emotion and meet it as best you can. Since they have had multiple moves and a disrupted adoption, they are surely hesitant to risk any kind of trust. Our family has weathered a similar adjustment and I can attest that even a modicum of trust and adjustment is well worth that wait.