[momraine]

LOL, I did not realize my own attitude until yesterday. I get up at 5 to rock M, and recently started rocking P afterwards for a few minutes becuase she was getting jealous and it was affecting her school work and behavior. I realized that my attitude was different rocking her. I was more relaxed, I found myself humming and such. I realized how different I felt with M, defensive almost. So this morning I made an effort to have the same attitude with M as I do with P. It's hard because I realized the feeling is not the same. I love them both, but I have a history with P, and she wraps her body around me and hugs me back and will look into my eyes and smile. M will not hug me back and refuses to open his eyes when I am rocking him. I did try a bottle this morning sort of, I could not find a bottle but I did have a nipple from a bottle so I streached it over a sippy cup and put warm milk (actually half and half, always trying to add calories to him) with a little bit of sugar in it. He actually took it and seemed to like it. Of course it leaked all over my shirt so I am off to buy a real bottle today. It did help to try to change my atitude and sing a little. I kept remembering reading about soft eyes. It's harder than it sounds! It helped to picture him as the baby he once was. I told him that I wished someone had told me to come get him sooner and talked about how I would have taken care of him as a baby and how I would have wrapped him in a soft blanket (I had him wrapped in a fleece blanket, since he strips at night) and rocked him and sang to him and given him warm bottles. But yes, I have had the throw myself in front of a truck feeling. It's just the constant "poking" for lack of a better term. Mostly little annoying things he does. From drawing pictures of the family and making a point of telling me I am not in them because I don't live here anymore, to pretending to misunderstand just about everything that I tell him to do and doing the opposite to calling me fat and ugly, running over my foot with his wheelchair, the constant chatter, and then all the food issues and the throwing up. Most of it seems so trivial if you tell someone, it's just that it's constant! Sorry, guess I needed a vent and didn't even realize it. I feel better now.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by tybeemarie

Wow is right! Thanks for putting together that comprehensive list.

One of my chief criteria for RAD is to ask the primary caregiver, particularly if the primary caregiver is a mother, this question: Would you like to throw yourself in front of a truck? Do you board planes sort of hoping they'll crash?

See for me it was a city bus I was looking to meet face to face.

While I would love to take credit for the lists...all I can take credit for is finding them. Back when we started dealing with an infant with AD/RAD...there was not much readily available. So I searched and searched and searched some more. These two are my favorites reference sites for infants and toddlers with AD/RAD!

[kay]

Lorraine -
((((Hugs))))) and thanks for the reminder about the soft eyes. That's something I really need to work on!

[momraine]

It sounded easier when I read it, LOL. Doing it is harder. What helped me was to try to actually picture him as that baby who had been abandoned. It's harder for me to stay mad at a baby.

[aspenhall]

what if you covered his face with part of the blanket loosely, so that you just saw the eyes?

I too have to remember the "soft eyes" bits...Although I did the checklist and BOY HOWDY!!! has A EVER come such a long way in 3 yrs. A lot of stuff I found myself marking down, I stopped and realized I hadn't seen those behaviors in months...

[momraine]

He keeps his eyes closed when rocking and refuses to open them, so he does kind of look like a sleeping baby. Also he feels like a baby to hold because he is so tiny.

[tybeemarie]

Lorraine,

You are an awesome mom to get up at that hour to rock your children and show your love! Go, mom!

As for the difference in feeling when you rock your son vs. when you rock your daughter, it is not because of any defect in YOU, rather it is because of the lack of reciprocity in your relationship with your son. If he gave back to the relationship the way your daughter does, you'd feel warm and fuzzy with him, too.

I really, really like Katherine Leslie's books on the this subject, When a Stranger Calls You Mom, and Coming to Grips with Attachment. You can get them at her website, Brand New Day Consulting. She explains the dynamics of what is supposed to be a two way relationship. She gives concrete examples of what you do to coach your son to do so that he has some behaviors that will fill YOU up. You need this type of feedback to get warm and fuzzy. Both of you will benefit. One example is teaching your child to greet you when you come home. They get a lot of pride from mastering these things. My youngest almost bursts with pride when she asks her father how his day at work went, or when she asks me how my swim meet went.

You are a wonderful mother!

[Barksum]

Great lists!! I wish I'd known more the first time we adopted. (But then...I might have been totally afraid and not adopted ever, at all!) Ds who had mild attachment issues has sure come a LONG way. Great to have the lists to see where he was, and where he is now.

Thanks, Angel.