[ajjhmf]

J thinks we took him away from his foster family, the only other family he really knows. He called them tonight and although they confirmed what we had said (and the cws, therapists and everyone else for the last 4 years) he still thinks in his heart that we stole him away from his mama.

Right now he's 8 and this stuff just seems to cause bits of ugly behavior, but I can see it getting worse and worse in the coming years.

I know I can't ever take their place (and I don't want to) but it hurts all the same to know that if he had the chance he would go back to them as he told me tonight. Supposedly, he's attached, but now I'm not so sure. DH thinks he's just having a bad day and is lashing out at me. I don't know.

I'm PMSing and feeling sick to my stomach and just want to cry. It seems like every time I relax and feel like we've finally reached some kind of 'normal' I get kicked in the chest like this.

[Lylac]

Aww hugs Jenny!! Your dh is prolly right, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope you get to feeling better!

[TxMom65]

First, *BIG hugs*
Second, my daughter came to live with us a year ago when she was 8. She had been in the same foster home for 4 years and them suddenly moved to a new one for 3 months before she was placed with us.

The people that she was with for 3 months became her fixation for a while. I was crushed when she would get angry at me and tell me that she wanted to go back to them, they were the best and when she turned 16 she would go live with them. For months I heard a lot about them. How could she have formed such a bond with these people?

Really, she was scared. She had been through so much in such a short period of time and was afraid of going through what she saw as another rejection. To her, each move was a rejection of her. With me she was going to reject me first.

Today we called 'those people' just to catch up. She rarely asks to call but I think it helps her. She no longer says those hurtful things to me and I feel like we are in a pretty good place. I hope you soon find the same.

[qs mom]

Jen, my heart goes out to you. Q wanted to run away this weekend too. He hates me, wants another mama.

My question, is this normal? Or do we put more on it because of our children's past? I remember running away when I was about 6 too, because life was unfair.

Hurt either way! Hugs!

[SAHmom]

Hugs, Jenny!

[Faith65]

Jenny,

Hugs, and I do wonder if this is a normal thing. Meaning kids do say hurtful things and do run away. I know I did it to my parents through out my childhood at different times.

Which it didn't hurt either way. Hugs

[Indy]

I dealt with that with C, especially in the last year. He seemed obsessed with one of his former foster families. C talked about how much fun he had there and how happy he was. Reality was far from what he remembered. I tried to point out things that happened there and the way the foster family treated him. They treated him poorly. As a matter of fact, their home was closed when C moved out.

I finally allowed him to call them last year. In the first call, the former FM said she had wanted to adopt him, but the state wouldn't let her. That was not the truth. I have copies of correspondence with the state outlining the problems in the home. C's obsession got worse. He asked to call them all of the time. Prior to his next call, I called the foster mom. I set the boundries for any and all further communications. She apologized and said she would comply. I was surprised.

In August 2007, we visited the family. We spent a couple of hours there after the AT conference. C realized that the family is not as he remembered it. He has not asked to call since. The family still drops me an email from time to time. However, I think C realized that his perception of the family was not clear.

I also deal with the same issue with J4. He was 4 when he was placed with the former foster family. He is now 6. When he says "mom", he means foster mom. The therapist has me redirecting him to use his FM's first name. Communication has also been severed by the DFC, as they are concerned about attachment. He still misses them, and I am sure I will deal with it for years. The longer J4 is here, the less I understand why they did not keep him. Yes, there are issues...but not enough to give up on him. I think there were issues in their home than were revealed.

None of the boys ever threatened that they wanted to go back to the former foster families, though I am sure they thought it! That being said, J2 moved back to his bio family's home a month or so ago. The same home where he was beaten and neglected. That was like a sword to my back. Now, if I want to talk to him, I have to call his bio mom's cell phone. It is very difficult, but I do it to keep in touch with J2. He calls me weekly now.

Sorry for the long winded response. I have seen several sides of this issue and every kid is different. Not one has followed the same path yet.

I hope you get through this period quickly. I know it hurts.

[lucyjoy]

NO matter the reason, it still hurts to hear it. If it were me, I would consider a few follow up therapy visits. Our kids issues pop up here and there and are triggered by things they don't even see coming. I think he IS attached to you but he is experience some "why did that family give me away and if I'm a mess, won't this one?" Our kids have a tough time with the idea of permanance.

I did tell a teen once that it was normal for kids to get angry at their parents. I told him kids in their bio families just say I hate you and I wish you weren't my mom but adopted kids got the extra kick of stating who they really wished their mom was. Stopped him dead in his tracks and I think he had an aha moment that he wasn't all that abnormal after all.

Good luck sorting this out and try to remember, it really has nothing to do with you.

[athikers]

I would also add that I think its pretty normal. If I biokid COULD say in a moment of rage that they wished they were with another family, they would. But, they aren't given that ammunition.

I can imagine its still very hard.

And, from another angle... I will ALWAYS consider my first two foster kids (a foster-adopt placement that ended in placement with relatives) MY kids. So, I see that side of it to.

Its not easy for anyone and the kids are stuck in the middle of the whole thing.

[aspenhall]

A worried for months that we had kidnapped her. But I showed her that we still have contact and people who kidnap just dissappear and don't keep in touch..they hide...and we weren't hiding.

Really, it's the easiest answer to "why". All the other answers hurt too much to consider. A's just now really feeling the grief and needing details of her placement. All I can do is tell her that her bmom simply couldn't do the job and knew it, and found us for her. We kept all the emails asking why and getting the same response (tho in more hurtful terms) so when she can handle the truth we'll let her read her bmoms own words at the time of placement.
Remember in his mind, there was nothing wrong...it was all normal to him...so to suddenly be removed from that would strike you as odd.

[momraine]

M has never said that, but I know he must think it some, because when his favorite nun heard about the adoption plans, she held him tight and screamed about how we were coming to steal her son. We have talked about how she could not be (and was not) his mother and why. She has recently returned to the orphanage (she was sent away soon after her outburst) and I have told him (I hope it's true) that she wants him to be happy. We talk a lot about how it's OK to love more than one person, but I know it still hurts him. He was sleeping with her picture, but I hid it. It was making things worse. I will give it back to him when he is stronger and bonded.