[adoptionislove3]

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I have a question, Does anyone know anything about adopting a two yr old ? We now have a 11yr old boy, 9yr old girl and a 1 1/2 yr old girl. We are matched up with the most wonderful birthmom who is due in Feb. While getting to know her she told us that a previous child that she had placed with family had a disrupted adoption and now the child is going to be placed again. She talked about it with us and we felt it might not be fair for us to adopt him having three children now , one that is youny requiring alot of attention but at the same time we love being parent and our heart goes out to a situation like this. I guess my question is about bonding, we know bonding with him on our part would never be an issue but what about him bonding with us ? Do you think he could suffer from attachment disorder ? He will be two in November. Or is he young enough so that I would not be an issue ? We would also still adopt the baby she is placing in Feb. I guess my question is would there be enough of me to go around with 2 two yr olds and a new born with two older children ? My husband is home in the evening but I am a stay at home mom. Thank you so much for reading my post and for any knowledge you have.

[Barksum]

First of all, I'd find out WHY the adoption is disrupting. If possible, talk to the adoptive family. Yes, a young child can have attachment disorder. If this child has been in one home since birth, though, this is less likely to be an issue, although not impossible. Do some research on attachment disorder. (zebra and others on this forum will be able to give you some pointers and places to look on the web for this) Does this child have prenatal exposure to drugs and/or alcohol? Does the child have other medical issues that brought about the disruption?

Additionally, it is the RARE exception to the rule that disruptions happen for no particular reason having to do with the child. Most disruptions are due to issues with which the adopting family is unable to cope. Sometimes disruptions happen due to other causes, just that many, many are due to issues relating directly to the child's unexpected levels of need.

It is wise that you are considering all the needs of your family, and wondering how those would be impacted by adopting two young children. This is a huge commitment on your part as the primary care giver. It takes a certain amount of organization and the ability to give without receiving for a while. The emotional strain is very high, and the 2 year old boy will need a HUGE amount of time and attention due to being moved from his previous home. (You might get the book, 'Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft' by Mary Hopkins Best, which addresses some of what you could be encountering when you adopt a toddler.) He will likely have some grief to deal with over losing his former family, anxiety, and a time of adjustment. It depends on the temperament of the individual child as to how they behave during these kinds of stresses.

We've adopted 4 toddlers. The oldest was 26 months old when he came to us, the two middle boys were each 14 months old, and the youngest was 11 months old when she came to us. Each child has a different temperament, different special needs (we adopted from foster care) and so none of them were the same in how they adjusted to our home. Some were very quiet and withdrawn, others cried - ALOT - and still others were a bit of a mix, with some anxiety thrown in for a few months. Our youngest has been with us for a year and we're still working with her on attachment issues. (Yes, the 11 month old had some signs of attachment problems. Mild, but present.)

I have to admit that the children with high anxiety levels were really tough at times! Also, most of the toddlers regressed in development a bit. Nothing MAJOR, but they plateaued for a bit, and didn't do some things in keeping with their chronological age. This goes with grief, trauma, and loss; also goes with the brain damage from drugs that they were exposed to. For the first couple of months after each arrived in our home I spent the majority of my time with the toddler. Lots of holding, lots of feeding them their bottles, lots of eye contact games, rocking, reading, never closing the door when I went to the bathroom....LOTS of establishing consistent routines...lots of time intensive things that are crucially important at that time for them.

We adopted our youngest son in the fall of 2005, and our youngest daughter the end of the summer of 2006. This last year has been very...stretching, I guess is the word!, for me personally. My time has been spent with the two little ones, because our son was new to our family and needed much of my time, and with the new addition he needed alot of reassurances and comfort. With all the mommy time HE needed, I still had to have some of myself left over for the NEW baby as she needed bonding and attachment time with me, too. And then there was the other kids (14, 8, 5 years old) and my Dh. None of them could be shuffled off and ignored, so it made for some wacky days for me. We are just now becoming 'normal' again. (or as normal as our family will ever be! LOL)

It can be done. You have to do some research and decide if you and the kids in your home are all committed to the time this would take and the sacrifices each of you would have to be making. You're doing all the right things by researching and asking, and you are asking the 'right' questions, so keep on with the good work.

[BrandyHagz]

If the child was placed at birth and is now two - the birthmother is not going to be involved in deciding where the child goes next...thats between the legal parents and the adoption agency/state office they use to place the child.

This kinda sounds like a scam to me...to be totally honest...and is not the first time I've heard a similar story, which turned out to be a scam..