[waited2long]

I have no advice either, just wanted to give you another shoulder to lean on.

[Tudu]

Thank you all so much for your support. I am truely a mess of emotions today. Not one to cry a ton about my kids' interesting behaviors but one to try to find the humor in it, I am struggling to keep the tears back and have been letting them fall on my sweet DH. I am mad one minute and sad the next.

How am I going to feel if she manages to do this again? WHat about the kids? Is it really possible to manage her? One minute I think we can the next I am worrying that I can't and what that means for the rest of them. We have always discussed these kinds of behaviors very openly and even at the dinner table at times so we will bring it back up again today but will that be enough? It wasn't before. They didn't tell me when it was the most important, they were too scared and she threatened them. That really makes me mad, she threatened them making them feel like they were wrong. They have been thinking that any minute I was going to make them leave, they couldn't feel safe here or stable. How will I ever forgive her, trust her? The trust is gone for sure, I know I will forgive her, this is nothing compared to some of the things the other children have done to each other, at the same time it was never with an older child but always with a "consenting" child. This is different. SHe has no remorse, maybe she will in time but her first and only reaction was how this was going to effect her. Now I have to spend every waking moment with a child I love but don't like right now. Why can't we be a normal family? My youngest was confused this morning about why her school friends wouldn't understand this (I was telling her not to spread this around to her clasmates b/c she would have otherwise and I didn't want to ruin the classmates idea that all is well with the world) I had to explain that other people don't live like we do, they feel safe and are safe at home. How sad is that? I said it more delicately than that but you get the idea.

[SAHmom]

Tudu...I am at loss at what to say about the pain you are going through except prayers said for you and your family.

[TxMom65]

I can't imagine how you are feeling now. I'm sure that mixed emotions is right. You love your daughter while still hating her behavior.

Others have said, but remember, you are not to blame. These kids have such a history and so much baggage it is scary. It sounds like you are on the right path to help for all of the kids. Best wishes.

[lovemy6]

I've been through this Be careful with your other children. In our experience, all the kids were SA and they perped on one another. Your first child may fall victim to one of the other children. They all need to be in AT right away.

[stevenstwin]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been trying so hard to think of something "constructive" but there really is nothing else to say. I'm sorry you are all going through this, and I'm sorry that you don't have the luxury of a safe, "ordinary" family, as you say.

[tybeemarie]

Tudu,

I think you can do this. It will be a big, giant pain in the butt, and worse, in the heart, but you can do it. How? With technology. You need to get door alarms all around. Obviously, she needs her own room with an alarmed door, and all the other kids will need alarmed doors, too. They will be relieved that she will not be able to sneak up on them at night.

With this being non-consensual, I would go the next step and install cameras in the house. Does this infringe on privacy? Yes, it does. It is sad that this situation merits considering such a thing, but it does.

Will you be able to keep your eye on her 100% of the time? Well, you must try. But know, in advance, that you can't actually succeed 100% of the time, and it's not because you are a bad mom or won't be trying, it's because you are human, and human error is a reality. There's that AND the fact that she is undoubtedly focused on reoffending. It is a sick, sick feeling when they get something past you, and perhaps sicker still when they do it in plain sight--you're right there, and Boom! a hand goes out and grabs something it shouldn't. If that happens, and it almost certainly will, ALL IS NOT LOST. You focus your attention on the victim--despite the fact that what you would really like to do is blast the offender into the stratosphere--help them process the insult to their bodily integrity, give them love and attention, and then have the offendee make it up to the family in some way.

It is no fun spending all of your time with someone who is not likable. So don't. Get the alarms, get a camera, and when necessary, get a break and put your daughter in her room so you don't lose your mind.

I am reading a book a friend recommended called There is No Such Thing as the Sex Fairy. That is worth looking into. Also, this week, there is a conference on child sexual abuse in Wisconsin: Midwest Conference: location and lodging I've heard good things about it, perhaps there is something like that out by you.

I am really sorry you are all suffering in this way. Don't beat yourself up. Our attachment disordered children are very, very good at hiding behavior. It can take months and months to find these things out. You are a good mom, as evidenced by your amazing response to this deeply traumatizing realization of sexual abuse in your home.

You are right: she is a child. A hurt child who needs a mother, desperately, more than she knows. She is blessed beyond words that you are that mother. So are your other kids. They will know that you grieve the loss they suffered in being abused by their sister, and they will know that you love them very much.

You are not alone. We are here with you, rooting for you, admiring you.

[Kansas Girl]

Tudu - I've been away for a few days, just now catching up. What a tough and heartbreaking situation - just know that I am here along with all the other great folks on this board to listen and to pray for you and your family.


Fran

[Tudu]

Tybee, the sad thing is we have the cameras and door alarms in place. She always does it while playing mom and baby. How sick is that?

We had the CWs out today and they were shocked we insist on following through with the adoption and even more that we want her her. We told them our plans how to keep things safe here and they couldn't think of a single other thing to add. We will be getting another assessment done on her but this time it is a phych-sexual. They will not be looking into charges against her b/c she is still in their care until Thursday and do not want her labeled. My Dh thinks it is so she could be placed into a foster home w/o the label if need be. They kept asking if we knew what we were getting into, LOL, we have been into it for quite awhile now with the other kids so YES. We had to choose 2 family members to agree to take her for an extended amount of time if she was determined to be at risk to hurt them. My sister and MIL have both stepped up to take her. My MIL will do it indefinitely if necessary but that is not a good long term solution to her RAD b/c MIL is easily manipulated. Too bad b/c that would be perfect revenge on a MIL, LOL

[kay]

Tudu,
I'm glad you posted - I was thinking about you this morning, wondering if there was anything new. Sounds like you are doing really well - better than can be expected! I know this won't be easy, for any of you. I admire you and your strength; and you and your family are in my prayers.

[ajjhmf]

Tudu,

Is it possible to get the psych-sexual assessment done before finalizing...or delay finalization until it is done? I ask because that's what we did with J's older brother. In his case, they recommended out of home treatment and wanted to place him in a treatment facility specifically for sexually reactive boys. Had we finalized before we knew this, getting it paid for would have been an issue. With his case still open, the county would have been able to step in and pick up the costs.

Jenny

[Mkuhlmann06]

Tudu - Thanks for the update. You and your family have been in my thoughts. Im glad that the CWs felt you came up with sufficient ways of trying to keep all the kids safe. My only input is that I second Jenny's recommendation of getting the eval done before finalization. It's obvious you and your family are committed to her and will adopt, but in terms of resources and help, you have a better chance of that while she is still within their care. Once adopted the resources tend to be few and far between...

It's a tough situation and won't really know the fallout of everything for sometime to come... so the help and path of treatment may not really be known for sometime.

Many hugs to you and your family....

[Lorraine123]

Oh Tudu. I am so sorry to hear this. I have been away for a while and just now read your post.

I have no significant advice, except to say that I support you in whatever decision you come to. I think Jenny had a great suggestion. Get the eval prior to finalization. Its so hard to adjust the services afterwards.

Another thing I faced, when DFS is talking with the kids, in my case, they would not allow a third party in the room. Now, my situation was different, wasn't child against child, but they said that was policy. I was very upset about that.

This is not your fault. Children like ours are so good at sneaking. Even in the same room, they can do things that will curl your hair. All you can do is put the best safety plan in place, cameras, alarms, line of sight.

Its so sad that children learn this behavior. Even more sad that they feel compelled to continue it.

Hugs to you and I give you strength to do what needs to be done.

[Lylac]

Tudu, still praying for ya'll!!!

[aspenhall]

Thinking about you...HUGS!!

Perhaps the mom/baby thing was done because it was the least suspicious way to get the pants off...

My really good friend (who happens to be a bmom) Came home early to find one of her kids doing SA stuff to her little 3 yr old....These were all her bio kids, not from abuse or broken home....he was 11. And this was a good, decent kid, no problems...etc...

So, truly it can happen to anyone anywhere.