[etaag]

We have had our FS(9) a little over a month now. We are planning on adopting him, TPR last May. The honeymoon is starting to end. Since he has been here he seems to expect us to buy him everything and pouts when we tell him no. (like a laptop, video games, etc.) He pouts big time anytime he doesn't get his way. Is this normal behavior of any new child coming into your home? A sense of entitlement? He has also started talking back to us, a smart mouth on him. We are not letting him get away with any of it. Will his behavior get worse then come back up and level off? Is he testing us right now with all of this? My gut says yes....but I just want to hear it from those with experience.

[TxMom65]

I'm no expert on this, but my daughter did the same thing. In fact, she had horrible tantrums. Once the honeymoon was over she said awful things when she got angry. Some of it may be testing you, but some of it may be more than that.

Really the only way to predict at all how his behavior will be would be to know his past behaviors and any diagnosis he may have for behaviors. My daughter's behavior did get worse, then level off. It took a lot of work and therapy to get to that point.

Good luck with your adoption and I hope things only get better.

[zebramom]

After 8 years with us, my DS (age 14) has HUGE entitlement issues. He feels like the world owes him everything. Doesn't fly with me.

With the holidays coming up, we use this time to remind him of others who have far less. Trick or Treat for Unicef rather than candy, serve dinner to the homeless for Thanksgiving, and buy gifts for needy families are all things we have done.

[etaag]

So this very well may may not be a passing thing for us. I suppose only time will tell.

[momraine]

It's also listed on the list of RAD symptoms.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by etaag

he seems to expect us to buy him everything and pouts when we tell him no. (like a laptop, video games, etc.) He pouts big time anytime he doesn't get his way. Is this normal behavior of any new child coming into your home? A sense of entitlement? He has also started talking back to us, a smart mouth on him. .

My daughter Maire-Kate, who turned 9 in September, started doing the same thing over the last month or so. Everytime we step into a store she expects something-candy or even an expensive toy. When I'd say "no", she'd pout and cross her arms over her chest. Or she'd be cross with her little sister. She also started getting really sassy.
Finally, last week, I took everything. Nintendo, Ipod, tv and computer and set her bedtime to 7:30.

I explained that being grateful for what she already has is something she has to learn. I explained that losing what you already have can help you to appreciate it and learning this lesson is easier when you're a kid. If you grow up to be a selfish and ungrateful person, then God has to teach you the same lesson the hard way and it's much more painful to lose everything as a grown up .

We then set up a chart with three rows of ten. When she gets to the end of the first row, her bedtime goes to 8pm. When she gets to the end of the second row, her bedtime goes to 8:30. When she gets to the end of the third row, she gets her things back. Every day she goes without complaining, back talking and refusing to do her chores (which is only picking up toys and her clothes), she moves forward one spot. If she's sassy, she gets one warning, then moves back a spot. The first couple days were rough. She'd move up, then back, then up, then back. But she was in the habit of being sassy so it took awhile to break the habit.

My mother had a fit and said I'm being way too strict with her-but her attitude and back talk was really getting out of control. I had to break this habit now while she's still young.

This past week she has been a joy to be around and a lot of the behaviors are a thing of the past.

You can try the chart system. I use a magnet on the fridge. Each day I move the magnet to the next spot.

It might help if it's just normal 9 year old stuff like M-K.

[etaag]

Wow, I love the chart idea. I could use this too with A and J also. I just got through telling my mom that I thought that A had done the same thing last year. Another issue for his behavior could be that he was removed 2 years ago this month.

Thanks for the chart idea!

[etaag]

I forgot to mention that I have had RAD in the back of my mind. But I don't think he has that (maybe I am wrong). He makes great eye contact and gives us hugs and kisses. He loves to sit next to us, comes to me for injuries, etc. He is respecting the other kids' stuff and we have not caught him in any lies. He is not physically aggressive but does get aggrevated easily. Almost like he is carrying a chip on his shoulder, waiting for someone to cheat him or he not get his fair share of something.

[kay]

I think it may be normal, but have no idea how to deal with it. It's a battle we're still fighting, and C is 16 and has been home 7 years! One problem I've had is holding firm against the well-meaning people who want to rescue the poor dear deprived child. "Oh, poor C doesn't have a TV in his room, and we have an extra one, he can have that!" No thank you, the no TV has nothing to do with finances, it's a family rule until he brings his grades up.

This kid has no gratitude for the things he does have, just a huge list of gripes for things he does not. And he is totally enslaved to the "name brands or nothing" mentality. We had a trip to the mall last night, so this is all still raw - but the new rule is that he will get x amount for needs (shoes, sweatshirt, whatever) - if he wants the name brand, he will have to make up the difference.

As to the testing? My experience with C is that it got much much worse before it got better. After a honeymoon of a few months, he went into months of extreme opposition. It was really rough! And then, suddenly, he got through it - quite dramatically. Between one week and the next, the therapist asked "who is this kid, and what have you done with C?" My advice would be to prepare yourself for a long haul; then if it's any less, it'll be a very pleasant surprise! (I'm trying to remember from my classes way, way back - I think they said a minimum of one month for each year they've been in care.)

Hang in there - and if you're not already in therapy with him, I'd highly recommend it. An attachment therapist or at the very least someone who is experienced with adoption issues.

[stevenstwin]

We have it too, but I think Children's Services has helped create it. First of all, the kid lived in profound poverty for so long that he really believes that regular middle class folk are "rich" and can afford it. On top of that, every time he asks for anything, his social worker gives it to him - he gets thousands of dollars in special benefits that other kids don't get - and society tends to feel "sorry" for kids who've been in foster care, so we've had teachers and youth workers spoil him as well.

[etaag]

I think you have hit it exactly. They have had so little then come into care and have so much in their eyes. Alot of people do pity them and give them more. During his first week here, I had made cinnamon rolls. He said "I get the most because A and J have always had cinnamon rolls and I haven't." I told him right then that wasn't going to fly at our house. He may have had a bad past, but this is here and now. He just looked at me and smiled like, at least I tried.

We are setting him up with counseling. He did receive some while in his foster home, but that is too far away to continue with that provider.

[aspenhall]

He's also still trying to figure out his new environment...he just won the family lottery and he's gonna expect the fantasy he had built up in his head. We have battled this from day one with A....but it's more her selfish personality than anything...Now, she doesn't pout anymore...we simply put it on our "LIST" we have a wants list....and for birthdays/christmas, and if she earns any money by doing extra chores...she can pick what she'd like off the "LIST" She pulled weeds once a week for *12 weeks* no complaining...to be able to afford a Bumblebee Transformer...that costed $9.99 plus tax....When she reached $10, she had to pay tithing (10%) so then she was back to $9 and still had to earn the tax.

It was the BEST thing she could have done....set a goal, achieve a goal...pay tithing (charity)...and now she has a toy that she cares so much about. AND she has so much pride in her ownership of the toy because she earned it.

It has taken a year of her saving up for 2-3 weeks, buying a $2-3 junky toy and then her realizing it's crap...for her to really buckle down and pay attention to quality and what she wants NOW vs what she REALLY wants most.

12 weeks....thats 3 months of hard labor....to achieve her goal...and she didn't give up...

Now that she saw first hand how much things cost, she whines SO much less...because she'll ask for something, and I'll ask her if she'd like to spend HER money on it...and she evaluates how much it would set her back from her goal...and how much harder she'd have to work...and she makes that decision...

Did I mention I think I'm raising a genius!!!

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by momraine

It's also listed on the list of RAD symptoms.

For kids with RAD or attachment issues it's "all about me " - they have no comprehension of the "give and take" of healthy relationships. This is why "stuff" seriously gets in the way of healing for a kid with attachment issues. R is 15 (almost 16) and has no electronics of his own whatsoever, and won't be getting them until we decide he's healed enough. (or he moves out of the house on his own, whichever comes first).

If they are capable, they have to learn how to reciprocate to have a relationship with someone. For example, we even portion out R's food at times - he'd eat the entire pound of bacon without even caring if anyone else got any if we didn't portion control it. We look for situations where we can build in that relationship - i.e. you want to go to the game tonight? Well, I need the house vacuumed. The idea is to "practice" like this enough times to get to the point where he can do things for other people because he wants to do something nice or good for them because he values his relationship with them.

Fran

[joelynn]

Unfortunately I'm beginning to think it is something in our culture if you will. My 20 y/o bio son as well as my 9 y/o ason (whom we've had since birth) all display this behavior...we don't fall for it either.

[MamaS]

I don't think it is a RAD thing or a FC thing -- I see this sense of entitlement in ALL American children -- at least, all those exposed to television. "Hey kids, tell Mom and Dad to buy you -----!" "Be the first in your neighborhood to have ---!" My 4-year-old grandson watches only two TV channels (both commercial-free) and people always comment on how well he behaves in stores! No whining, no pleading, no tantrums and says "thank-you" for what he is given. I would like to take all the credit, but I think absence of commercials in an important factor.