[waited2long]

I agree. It's a symptom of the new American ideal. And getting something for nothing is part of it, just look at the average credit card debt!

[JDub]

We've been dealing with this with our two also. There are a few things that we felt like they needed (he needed a new bike), but what we've done is tell them that they have to earn it. If they don't get their "happy" stars each day for a given period of time, then they don't get the item. Worked realy well for T and his new bike. His sister S took about a month for her scooter, though (guess which one is the problem child!). I finished putting together the new trampoline today. This time, though, it will be a team effort to earn it. They both will have to get their "happy" stars for a full week in order for each to begin using it. Needless to say they aren't too thrilled with this arrangement, but we thought it might lead to them supporting each other to behave better. It may blow up in our face, but it seemed worth a try.

BTW, anybody have some good suggestions to help a 7 year old girl to not be so rude? At first we thought it might be a product of her situation, but we are now beginning to believe that it is just her personality.

[Joy2566]

I think the sense of entitlement is partially a foster care/welfare mentality. My kid's bio parents have never worked a day in their lives, yet according to the kids got them whatever they wanted. Of course, theyv'e never even gotten a birthday card in the two years we've had them. Our agency requires that we buy them $50 of new clothing every month. Now no kid needs that much clothing. They have so much and they don't care about it. I have terrible issues with the kids throwing away socks and underwear, rather than putting them in the laundry, cause they can just buy more. The kids also get a $25 menu item each month. Basically, they get a $25 toy of their choice each month. The kids also think we are rich--not hardly.

As for the RAD my sweet loving (9yo) kiddo, made great eye contact, hugs and kisses all the time, came to me for all injuries. We've recently disrupted, as her violence just became too much for our family to handle. She pushed a newborn down the stairs because she *thought* the baby's mom had said something negative about foster kids. She sent me to the hospital. She still calls me daily and tells me "I love you, Mom." When I see her, she hugs and kisses me, she's not even really angry that she can't come back home. Our honeymoon was 6 months and then...

[momraine]

Wow, neither my adopted kids nor my bio kids get that much stuff! That would for sure give a kid quite a sense of entitelment and really set them up for failure in teh adult world where you can't always buy what you want, when you want.

[Lorraine123]

While I agree that our society creates the entitlement attitude, remember we are talking about children from foster care here. They have a very different background. Their entitlement issues are different as well.

Foster children don't understand the concept of ownership. They don't understand where the stuff comes from. They don't have that background to build upon.

My biological children know that their dad and I work hard for the things that we have. They see it and they understand that we, as parents, provide for them. My daughter, on the other hand, had never seen that. From her perspective, social services provided stuff and it just poofed as hers.

How can I expect her to understand with a background like that? The concept of a limited amount of money and the parents deciding where to best spend it is a foreign idea to her.

If a child has attachment issues, this entitlement attitude is even greater. An attachment disordered child has no concept of give and take. They just assume that their needs come first. It isn't a result of advertising or over indulgence. In their case, its the wiring of their brains. Its survival.

You have to reteach these children. Give them very little, because they can't handle excess. Do not take to many places, its overwhelming for them. Teach them to get personal satisfaction from doing family activities.

Children with attachment disorder don't know how to get satisfaction from inside. They crave the superficial happiness from things. As the child heals, they will learn.

You have to look at your child and decide - is this entitlement as a result of our spoiling society or is it a result of a child looking to fill themselves up superficially.

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

While I agree that our society creates the entitlement attitude, remember we are talking about children from foster care here. They have a very different background. Their entitlement issues are different as well.

Foster children don't understand the concept of ownership. They don't understand where the stuff comes from. They don't have that background to build upon.

My biological children know that their dad and I work hard for the things that we have. They see it and they understand that we, as parents, provide for them. My daughter, on the other hand, had never seen that. From her perspective, social services provided stuff and it just poofed as hers.

How can I expect her to understand with a background like that? The concept of a limited amount of money and the parents deciding where to best spend it is a foreign idea to her.

If a child has attachment issues, this entitlement attitude is even greater. An attachment disordered child has no concept of give and take. They just assume that their needs come first. It isn't a result of advertising or over indulgence. In their case, its the wiring of their brains. Its survival.

You have to reteach these children. Give them very little, because they can't handle excess. Do not take to many places, its overwhelming for them. Teach them to get personal satisfaction from doing family activities.

Children with attachment disorder don't know how to get satisfaction from inside. They crave the superficial happiness from things. As the child heals, they will learn.

You have to look at your child and decide - is this entitlement as a result of our spoiling society or is it a result of a child looking to fill themselves up superficially.

as always, well said, Lorraine. When we took our MAPP class "way back when" to get our foster/adopt license we had a foster parent on a panel tell us we should buy the kids everything because they didn't have anything plus they had been through so much horror in their young lives already.....I couldn't believe our county had this person on the panel. I didn't know a lot about kids in the system then, but I did know that was dead wrong!

Fran

[momraine]

Thanks you guys make me feel a little better about having pulled M from all extra curricular activities. Of course that meant pulling me out too! Only family activities now. I am also taking stuff out of his room and he has very few choices allowed. I give no food choices and no clothes choices for now. He seems to be doing better with this. He is only throwing up once or twice a week and only in the mornings now. He still is eating very little, but thanks to someone elses suggestion I am keeping a journal of his eating habits and color coding green and red. I can now go back and see that now he sometimes has two mostly good days in a row, whereas before one was the limit. His behavior at school is also better.

[Lorraine123]

We have had our FS(9) a little over a month now. We are planning on adopting him, TPR last May. The honeymoon is starting to end. Since he has been here he seems to expect us to buy him everything and pouts when we tell him no. (like a laptop, video games, etc.) He pouts big time anytime he doesn't get his way. Is this normal behavior of any new child coming into your home? A sense of entitlement? He has also started talking back to us, a smart mouth on him. We are not letting him get away with any of it. Will his behavior get worse then come back up and level off? Is he testing us right now with all of this? My gut says yes....but I just want to hear it from those with experience.

I went back and re-read the original post and had something else to add.

This little guy has only been with you for a month. He has been moved through the foster care system. So, lets look at this from his point of view. He doesn't understand that he will be with you forever. You can tell him that until you are blue in the face, but his experiences tell him differently. You can't blame him for trying to get all that he can out of you. In his mind, he will be moving on anyway. Since these kids think of every placement as temporary, who can blame them for trying to get what they can.

Not until he feels a sense of permanency will his entitlement decrease.

[bethy724]

I didn't read all of the replies & this may have been written, but the sense of entitlement has poisoned the society we live in. My bio nieces & nephews live it. Most 20 something parents w/ free daycare & vacations from their parents exemplify it in their daily life. I think it is across the board in this country. Maybe I watch too much Maury - haha

[etaag]

Thanks for all or the responses. I do believe he was testing us and checking to see how much and how far. It has really let up in the last week. I am not fooling myself though, I know we will see it again or different issues. Right now though we, and I believe he, are settling in fine.

[joskids]

I agree that "entitlement" seems to be a way of life in our country. Our children see commercials that make every toy look like a trip to Disney World and they don't understand marketing strategies or have any idea what things cost. BUT, I also see that a child that's been in the foster care system has no idea how things SHOULD work, that most parents work a job in order to earn an income that pays for the house, the utilities, food (and an occasional toy or two). I know of a family that adopted a sib group of 4 children and Children's Services gave them TONS of Christmas gifts, more than any other child would normally get (OK, more than OUR children would normally get). I think it could have set them up for failure to believe this is what they would get any future Christmas. As parents, it is our job with our adopted or bio children, to be certain that they understand the value of money. As for grandparents, friends, relatives, teachers, thinking you're a horrible parent because you don't cater to your child's every whim about what he/she thinks he needs or must have, I only have one thing to say ... "TOO BAD"!!!! They aren't living in your home, they aren't raising your child. YOU make the rules and stick to them and let him now in no uncertain terms that he must earn extras that he believes he really needs. He is testing you.

[aspenhall]

Originally Posted by JDub

BTW, anybody have some good suggestions to help a 7 year old girl to not be so rude? At first we thought it might be a product of her situation, but we are now beginning to believe that it is just her personality.

My neighbor has this problem, so she took a plain white t-shirt (child sized) and wrote on both sides with fabric paint/marker on it...
"I am being a RUDE PIG!"
with a drawing of a pig underneath

Guess when she goes shopping etc...on the day her dd has to wear it...
Her dd's "thing" is doing it behind other's backs, and maintaining her "princess" image....so far only the threat of the tee-shirt has been needed....it's been a month or so without incedent ever since my friend showed her dd the shirt and told her what would happen if she were rude or disrespectful.

[JDub]

Thanks Aspenhall! I think the DW will love that idea!

[aspenhall]

No problem...I may have gotten the wording wrong...but it was something simple and to the point.
When she told me her step-dd valued her image and is mortified when her grandparents or others hear of her behavior...It occurred to me that a sign of some sort might work...

The T-shirt could even read more positively like:
"I have been acting like a MEAN RUDE PIG and I am trying to change"

But yeah, the humiliation factor was all she had to work with...And I told her to be sure that the day she needs to wear it, is the day she wears it to school, to the grocery store...etc...And don't wait for the following day...have her put it on immediately...not over another shirt (no ability to change later)....put a time limit on how long she must wear it...depending on the severity of the infraction, so she can't manipulate the system (be rude right before bed so you have no chance of public display) I'd say 3-5 hrs will do it...if it runs into bedtime, she'll get to wear the shirt to school for a few hours.

My guess is, 1-3 times of wearing it will be enough to halt her behaviors.

[MamaS]

Don't use the "rude pig" t-shirt in Florida. There was a mother who did and was turned in to DFCS for child abuse when she made her son (age 11ish) wear it to the store. She had to attend parenting classes and everything to get him back.