[lucyjoy]

Was suprised when I answered the phone today to find T on the other line. "Hi mom, it's T". Accept for one letter he had a staff member write his dad, this is the first I've heard from him since I drove him to the group home July 6.

He said he read my letters. He seemed happy to have gotten them(he'd have been just as happy if any of you had written them). He said he had been thinking about his future. I'm thinking-good. Then he says if Jack says its okay(Jack runs the place) then he's going to play football for this nearby college. Okay then.

He says he's behind on projects at school. He does this workshop thing that is like a mock job as part of his schooling. He tried to quit when the "boss" told him he was working to slow(that's what happened with his real jobs)

He said he'd been in some fights(I knew this from talking with his case manager.)

He didn't call me cause he missed me. He called me cause other kids were calling home-same reason he wrote(info from case manager). I'm his safe person-his connection to the outside world, but I could be anybody.
I was this person, and suppose I still am, for R while he was in the RTC and now that he's in boot camp.

Deb Hannah's book that so moved me described it best when talking of one of her sons. She said her son needed to have a picture of a family to hang on the wall. He needed to be able to say he had a family, but he can't handle having one.

T can't handle being a family. I asked him if it was easier there. He hesitated before answering, then said no and proceded to talk about the rules and consequences. But he sounds happier. I think the structure and lack of emotional commitment suits him.

I don't know what happens when the state is done paying for his treatment. He's not that far from adulthood and no where near ready to handle it. It saddens me that he won't see it coming and won't know what to do when it gets here. And I won't know how to help him and still be safe.

[waited2long]

I hope the RTC can help him learn to help himself... Hugs Lucy.

[Kerbchek]

It sounds like T's caseworker has a realistic perspective of his behaivors. I hope that he receives the actual help he needs for successful independent adult living... without needing to jeoparadize your safety...

[SAHmom]

Hugs!

[Lorraine123]

I think sometimes we have to settle with being whoever our children will let us be. If they can only deal with their mom being a safe person, then thats all we can be. Its hard because we pour our entire selves into our children. We hope for a family. And being a safe person isn't part of that dream. So sorry about that.

But, you already know that. I think I said that for my sake.

He is lucky to have you.

[aspenhall]

Can you suggest to him that he let you be his "coach" if he can't handle a mom, perhaps you'd have more influence and such by being a "coach".

[lucyjoy]

I am his coach but he wouldn't understand the difference between that and a mom. He doesn't have a clue what a mama even is. He just knew some other boys were calling home and he wanted to fit in.

[aspenhall]

hmmmm....I wonder if his therapist could require him to "research" parental job descriptions and prepare some sort of report on it....

What stories are out there that illustrate lack of parents well....Pippi Longstocking?