[sunnyandi13]

Well, this weekend was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back in so many ways. I haven’t wanted to talk about it, much less post about it, but I need some advice on how to not cause any more damage. You all know the struggles we’ve had with our two foster/adopt kiddos. You warned me about what could happen, so I thought I was prepared for anything my kids could throw at me. I was ready to accept them as they are and be the best "special needs momma" I could. Well, I never expected to have the rug yanked out from under me by DH, of all people.

A couple of months ago, he asked to disrupt the placement, because of S’s long-term, on-going issues and DH’s inability to deal with them. As the prospective families were being interviewed, we began to question the decision. Then due to some progress we thought we saw and my selfish desire to be a parent; we made (jointly I thought) the decision to keep plugging at it and move from foster placement into adoptive placement when the children’s TPR occurred. Well, DH really had me fooled - big-time. We’d just gotten through a couple of rough weeks – nothing earth shattering, just the usual regression caused by the transition back to school – none of which he handled well. Then this past weekend, we had a major disappointment in our home due to someone else’s interference. Well, he snapped and was verbally and emotionally abusive to me AND the children, almost the entire weekend. Pulled that old “me or the kids – it’s your choice” BS.

So, Monday I made the difficult call to the caseworkers and was bluntly honest with them. I’m tired of covering for him and protecting his image. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, much less allow my children to be treated this way, after all they’ve already been through. Its one thing for me to try and salvage a 10-year marriage, but another to let the children be verbally and emotionally abused. No matter how much I want them (need them), I can’t allow them to be subjected to this. I have requested that they find the children another adoptive home. The caseworkers stated that because we’ve not finalized the adoption, the kids can’t stay in our home through either a divorce or whatever therapy it takes to put our marriage and home back together, if it can even be saved. And that due to their special needs (AD, PTSD, violent behavior, etc.) and history (so much previous abuse) a single parent would absolutely not be approved for them. My heart is breaking yet at the same time I’m so angry… angry at my husband for lying to me, angry at him for not being the man we need him to be, but most of all angry that my selfish need to be someone’s mom led me to keep two children who obviously need more than I alone can give while trying to raise them in a household with a truly dysfunctional adult male. My guilt is enormous that I allowed him to fool me into thinking he could handle this and was ready to be a father, much less a special needs parent. All because I just wanted to be someone’s mom…

How do I get my kiddos through this? I don’t even know how I’m going to make it through. The guilt, sadness and anger are really taking their toll on me. How can I explain to these children, who now think they’re here forever, that even though I want them desperately, I’m not going to be their mom?!?!? This is yet another trauma in their life; I can’t bear to think about how far it’s going to set them back!! They had just started to attach to me (there was never any attachment to DH, he’d have to be involved for them to even like him, much less attach to him). How could I let my own selfish need and desire to be a parent cloud my judgment in what is best for these kids?!?!? Needless to say, I’m starting on a lengthy re-evaluation of my life and situation, but my heart is breaking so badly… more for my kids than for myself. I’m not going to get to raise them, no more plans of sweet 16s and family vacations… how can I let them know it’s not their fault? I know they’re going to feel rejected again, but I know they understand that I love them and they even see it is DH that is the problem. After this past weekend, I talked to them about how I didn’t think DH would make a good dad and S came back with “that’s okay, we can grow up just fine with a great mom and a so-so dad.” I’m weeping now just thinking about what I’ll miss, what they’ll miss and just how I’m going to get them (and me) through this.

Any words of wisdom? Please, no “I told you so”… I’m beating myself up about it already. I know I should have seen this coming. I know I should have recognized DH was too immature for this endeavor. I know my guilt in seeing the writing on the wall, but ignoring it. I just want to know how I’m supposed to help them though this and be able to let go of them? How can I make them understand that I’m not rejecting them, that we’re all (me, caseworkers, etc.) trying to think about what’s best for them in the long-run? That even if I could choose them over DH, it still wouldn’t happen from the state’s perspective. I’m thinking about asking DH to stay somewhere else until the kids are re-homed and I’ve had a chance to think through things – we’ve got over a decade together, but my trust and my heart has been badly broken… just because he’s too self-centered to grow up and be a man (or dad). How can I let my children go? They’ve been my world for the past fourteen months – where do we go from here? How do I get them through this?

[momraine]

No advice, just hugs.

[stevenstwin]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this :-( I can hear how much you are hurting right now - and I don't really know what advice to give you. I hope you have some sort of a counsellor of your own that you can turn to, 'cause I think you need someone there for you to deal with all the grief over both the kids and your diappointment in your marriage. Perhaps a professional could also help you figure out how to present it to the kids.

[waited2long]

Wow... I obviously do not know everthing that is going on in your life right now, but, if it were me? I'd fight to keep the kids as a single parent, if things with DH could not be worked out.

It seems to me, another move would be FAR worse for these kids than going through a (possible) divorce.

Unfortunately, your DH has put you in a terrible position. How does he expect your relationship to truly survive something so huge? How can you not always blame him for giving up your children? I honestly feel that if you cannot work things out, while keeping the children, you will never have a real marriage again.

Also, I thought you posted that it was him that swayed you both to not disrupt earlier? I feel he needs to step up to the plate himself and stand by his own decision to be a parent.

Sorry if I sound like I'm male bashing, I don't mean to.

You just sound so heartbroken and it seems you care sooooo much about these kids.

[GCS]

((HUGS)) to you!

I wish I had words of wisdom to share.

Do you think DH really meant "its me or them"? Or is he just being emotional and venting? Is he prepared for what that will mean? Ultimately it is not you who is walking away from the marriage it is him. Because how do you repair this? Even if you pick him you will resent him for having to make the choice.

I think it was smart to disclose everything to the case worker. Its better for you not to have to hide the issues he is having.

I am so very sorry!

Christina

[kay]

First, I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine your pain right now.

My gut reaction is that the kids ought to stay with you, that that would be better for them in terms of their healing - they are already so troubled, to have to go off to yet another new family seems like it would be awful. But, I'm not a social worker, I don't know you, I don't know your kids, I don't really know the situation. My heart aches for all of you.

No "I told you so's" at all. And please don't beat yourself up! We all do the very best we can, and sometimes that's just not enough, and then our hearts break. Many hugs to you, and prayers for your family.

[AmyAnne]

HUGS to you. I don't know what to add, but I think you are in a horrible position right now and know that when you aren't feeling strong, no matter what you decide, you WILL find support here.

I can see the motivation for going with either decision. I mean you obviously love your kids. And you love your husband.

[sunnyandi13]

Yes I've started seeing my counselor again. She's been my "help" off and on for the past five years (helped me deal with some repressed memories of my own childhood abuse that popped up after my decision to become a parent). So I have someone to talk to, but she isn't a "child psychologist" and has not worked with special needs kids, so she's not much help with them...

You're not male bashing... I completely agree that he gave his word and is now backing down. I guess that's why I'm so hurt. I've always told him we could handle anything together, as long as he was honest with me. I'd almost rather he'd been hiding a girlfriend or something - at least that I understand! We've both had reservations about these children, as they came with some pretty heavy baggage that wasn't disclosed to us prior to placement; and we've had many ups and downs with them, including episodes of very violent behavior on their part. Through it all, I've loved them and wanted to help them heal. I'd already given serious thought to keeping them as a single parent when things have been rough before; but when I explored the issue with the caseworker, she immediately shot the idea down, as these two kiddos truly do have issues that will require a two parent, stable household (plus as a single, I would have NO support anywhere... I can't count on my parents <disabilities> and have depended on the 25% or so effort that DH contributed).

I don't think he's venting this time. He's tossed out this ultimatum before and given me the "venting" line of BS. I'm tired of it... No one deserves to live this way, especially not these kids. I've been very clear to him that even after the children leave, he's not off the hook. It will take a lot of hard work and counselling to sort through our marriage and see if it's even viable anymore. We've really come to a crossroads in our life about parenting, it's just exacerbated by the kids. Through all this, it only reinforced my desire to be a parent; for him it's been reinforcement that he doesn't want to be a parent to anyone. (He has a son from a previous marriage he hasn't seen in 12 years, even though he pays support and we <mainly I> send holiday gifts.) I know there are some people who just aren't cut out to be parents (birthparents come to mind, yes?) and I'm afraid he might be one of those people. He's basically a good guy, just can't seem to deal with the stress and energy kids require. One of those people who can cope as long as life meets all their needs, but let it get a little difficult and he's like a child himself tantrumming and demanding "his" needs, wants, etc. be met.

As an adult, I know I will survive this - even if my marriage ends, I'll be okay eventually. I just can't bear to think of what it's going to do to my kiddos. I love them so very much and had such high hopes! We were supposed to start "family" counseling this week with an attachment therapist - now that was a lovely conversation to have when I cancelled the appointment and wouldn't reschedule. I do have a lot of hurt, anger and resentment toward him right now - but at the same time I see the reasons he is the way he is (his childhood issues haven't been settled like mine have), I just can't excuse it anymore. It's one thing for me as an adult to put up with him and work on things, it's not okay for me to put my children through that. No one should have to feel the way we (me/kids) did this weekend, ever, period.

I'm trying not to worry about me right now, what will be will be... I'm just clueless as to what and how to tell my children. He's lied to all of us, but financially, we all have to be in the same house until the kids are moved and we can try to see if there's any marriage left. If I think about the marriage part too much, I start to panic, so right now I'm focusing on the kids and how to get them through this. I can't fall apart until they're taken care of. My heart is breaking at the thought of uprooting them again! Why, oh why did I let him fool me into thinking he could do this?!?!?! I was stupid and blinded and now my children are going to suffer for it!! How can I do this to them?!? How can I teach them to trust grown-ups when this is going on?!? How are they supposed to attach to anyone when they keep getting jerked around, first by birth family, then by the state, and now DH?!?!?!

I only wish I could keep them, but I'd have to get an attorney to fight the caseworkers and therapists who will all say that they need two parents. I've already had to fight to keep them once before when S spun out of control - they questioned whether we could meet their needs as working parents. They were ready to move them and place them with a SAH mom and working dad - the state left them with us only because I begged them to. I'm not so sure I could convince them again, given what's occurred this time... N in particular needs a strong, positive male role model due to some of his own trauma's and behaviors, so the state is really advocating for a two parent home. How can I fight that?

I don't want them to see just how broken I feel right now, but then again, I want them to know that I will grieve them horribly and that I will always love them, always, no matter what. I only hope that the new family will allow whatever contact they're comfortable with - I don't want to just disappear from their life like everyone else has. Even if they move on, I want them to know that they were truly loved... at least by me.

[lucyjoy]

Did you think your husband was a jerk before you had kids? I gotta tell you that kids with serious trauma issues are incredibly good at manipulating and triagulating between parents. I'm a bit appauld that you had a discussion with these children about the fact that your husband wasn't a good father.

Kid with serious trauma issues need both parents in the household to be strongly united. Your husband didn't feel like these kids were a good match for your family. I don't think he owns all the responsibility for the failure of the placement.

Sorry you're having to deal with this but these kids have their own trauma issues and don't need to be in the middle of yours.

Many Kids with serious truama issues have broken up marriages. I hope you take the time to consider what your spouse was like before the kids came along before deciding your done with each other.

[Kansas Girl]

having been in a similar situation let me post what will probably be the unpopular reply to this post. This is not an "I told you so"....this is an I can understand your feelings completely. It is an extremely painful and heartbreaking situation to be in. I have thought about leaving my DH more than once because of his attitude towards our son and towards kids in general – he’s never been abusive, sometimes it has seemed like he wasn’t very loving or understanding. Sometimes he’s just wanted to get rid of R – like put him in an RTC and forget about him or “send him back”. He's even wanted to take our last name back from him. I want to adopt more kids – after R. it has seemed like my DH didn’t want to go there at all.

Our current AT, who has over 20 years of marriage & family counseling experience and is essentially our family therapist, in our case, urged us (especially me) to put our marriage first. Our first AT in New York also made the same recommendation. These children, with their issues, may or may not be grateful for what you do for them, may or may not stay in your life because of the choices they will make, and even may or may not love you….all that depends on them and the extent to which they can heal. You had your marriage long before they came into the picture and I guess the question you have to ask yourself is what your marriage was before these children came into your life.

My learnings along the way? For one, I was so blind in my desire to be a parent that I didn’t really consider my husband’s wishes and ability to be a parent – that wasn’t fair to him at all. Until I dealt with my own unresolved childhood traumas I was totally out of line on my desire for kids. Life with our AS is definitely not easy – we (again, especially me) have had to learn to be a united front for him and sometimes even against him. As Lucyjoy said, these kids are all masters of control and manipulation and coming between spouses or partners....they love the chaos and they love being in charge. You have to look out for yourself when it comes to special needs kids – especially the ones with high emotional needs such as attachment issues or trauma/neglect. No one ever said that it was OK for them to suck you dry emotionally. Adopting these children is indeed a noble cause – my hats off to those who have more than one – however, no one ever said you had to be a martyr for the cause. The stress of parenting special needs children can cause even the best of us to behave badly towards our spouses/partners. There may be something that your husband sees in these children that you cannot see. I know my husband has been much more objective about R....and I have to admit he's been right most of the time! He also may be hurting as much as you are - I know for my DH the sadness/grief over losing the dream of the family we wanted (and may never have) was as huge for him as it was for me.

Disruption is never good – but I still say you need to take care of yourself first. I love my husband and my life with him, and for me to leave him over a kid issue would be entirely selfish (in the bad sense) on my part. And the resolution to all this? Our last conversation on this subject at the therapist’s office was that he does love kids (he loves R. incredibly much) and being a parent….he just wants to get R. a little older (maybe out of the house would be best!) before we bring another child into the picture. And he’s totally right on that one.

Once I got past the myth that these type of children had to be "mine" before I could help them I found there are a lot of ways out there to still help them and still be in their lives without adopting them - I knowing you're hurting too much to even consider that right now, but that's another alternative. My DH and I are both committed to a local community mentoring program for at-risk kids plus our city has an Amachi mentoring program, which is for children who have one or both parents incarcerated. (Google "Amachi" to find out if they are in your community) - it's a great program.

Again, just my humble opinion and experience….

Lots of hugs,
Fran

[bajj]

I agree with Lucy and Kansas. I know you are hurting very badly right now, and when we are in pain, we usually can only see the bad in others, as well as ourselves.

I agree that you need to work on your marriage first and foremost. I know it sounds heartless, but I believe your family as a whole will benefit more if you're united.

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

[aMarylandfamily]

It's times like these (and I'm sure I was one of the posters who warned you to take the other road with your situation) when we rally together and support each other - we only wish that you weren't where you are now and weren't hurting so much. Please let us help ... sometimes just venting/writing helps - we here understand from a variety of ways that no other can or would in the regular world!

Having a disruption in our past, these children will be moved immediately upon identification of another placement and even with their special needs it will more than likely be abrupt. You need to speak openly (as you have somewhat) that the situation at home is not a good one and changes may be coming - what changes you are not sure. Tell them that you will be as honest and upfront with them as you can and that you will support them through anything ... and leave it there ... they will pester you with questions and may act out but better to be honest than have them always feel like you weren't. It does make a difference ... And like many other posters have indicated - some of these problems are not their fault nor are they the cause but any child with problems affects a marriage (bio or adopted!) and they added to the current scenario and must learn that while this didn't/couldn't work out that they need to recover (hoping that makes sense) vs. being totally shielded. Nothing will make it easier - just be honest to yourself and them and you will know you watched out for their best as well as their hearts.

Please keep posting - as said - we are here for you - no matter what - we couldn't have made it without having a place to go to (this board) where we weren't judged or criticized - just given lots of advice (even some we didn't want to hear let alone accept) and they still accept all I/we have to share and care about.

[sunnyandi13]

It hit me last night as I was trying to go to sleep - I'm loosing my kids and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it. When I broke into tears, I didn't even get consolation from DH, he knows I'm hurting and what role he's played in it; he's in avoidance and self-preservation mode right now. Yeah, Lucy, DH could be a real jerk before we brought kids into the equation; as we've gotten older, I just think that we've grown into different people with different goals and paths to follow. I do love my husband and there is a good man underneath all his BS, but his self-centered nature has caused us many problems, even outside of kids. After our first placement, we underwent marriage counselling for about 9 months due to the issues our first kiddo brought up (she was a jewel, just a bitty 3 yr old, so no manipulation, etc. was there that time). The root of the problem seems to be that I want to be a parent - he doesn't. He tried, for my sake, to fake it - but these kids suck me dry emotionally and physically and he has suffered, too. I have at times doubted my ability to raise them to adulthood - understanding his issues and challenges, who am I to ask him to do this when we both know he not only doesn't want to anymore, but isn't really capable of making the committment to the children that needs to be made to raise a special needs kid.

I don't want you to think I'm allowing these kids to triangulate between us. I've always supported whatever role he wanted with the kids; I've allowed him to handle things with them even when I didn't agree with how he was doing it. We've always supported each other in front of them - we save our disagreements for our limited private time. The conversation I started with them about DH's parenting was in preparation for having the discussion of them moving. They've often asked why DH doesn't like them, why he spends little to no time with them or with us when we do activities. He'd much rather be out on his motorcycle than hanging in the park with us, kwim? After his behavior this past weekend, I can't continue to expose the children to that. He was emotionally and verbally abusive - to the point of having both children in tears and me angry to the point of following him outside to continue the conversation away from the kids, basically telling him that he couldn't talk to me that way in front of them... how am I supposed to teach them to respect me or him when he acts that way? He's been verbally and emotionally abusive to me before, but I thought we had gotten through some of this the first time around in counselling.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel on our marriage yet, I've already told him I would like us to go back to counseling, because even as much as I say I understand his behavior, it doesn't mean that it hurts any less when I feel like he lied to me all along the way. We've invested over a decade with each other, only 15 months with these kiddos - I owe him the effort of trying to repair things, but he also owes me a little honesty and some acknowledgement of the part he's played in this. I fully acknowledge what I've done - I've let my desire to parent override my better judgement. These kids truly do have some intensive needs - I realized that and gave my heart to them in spite of it. He mistakenly bought into the state line that said stabilty would do wonders for these children. A year+ of stabilty later, we've seen progress, but have also gotten a crystal clear picture of just what lies ahead; and DH just isn't prepared to handle it.

If the children stay, the marriage will most certainly dissolve, if nothing else from his anger and frustration and the constant drain of the kids on my time and energy. They deserve a family with two committed parents, not one loving one and one that barely tolerates them...

My marriage may survive this, it may not - right now I feel like I have to make this transistion easiest on the kids, not us. My heart aches to think that I put my parenting dreams in front of what was best for these kiddos. I wanted it to work so badly that I ignored the writing on the wall, and there have been plenty of signs throughout this whole year that have pointed toward the kids needing a strongly trained, fully-committed therapuetic family. I've been learning on the fly, but DH is reluctant to embrace the rigors and requirements of special needs parenting. My guilt at my part in this is huge - I hate that I'm hurting, that DH is hurting, but most of all that these kids are going to be hurt by this even more...

I guess I just want some advice from others who've had to disrupt on how they handled it and how you present it to the kids. Fran, at least your DH is open to having more later, my DH has just shut down completely on the whole parenting idea. It may get better with time to heal from this, it may not. Maryland, you're right, this is not going to be easy on anyone. I expect the acting out to escalate; I have to start preparing them somehow, though... I'm going to try and be honest and as positive as possible that the new family will be better than ours and will be able to help them grow up and be happy, healthy people. It's going to hurt everyone and there's nothing I can do but try to get us all through it with as little damage as possible.