[Indy]

I have spent a LOT of money to move to a better school system, given up my dream job ( ) of home schooling surly argumentative teenagers, restructured our lives to make this work. I checked the online grades today. One of them has 4 F's. Another has one F and one D. Another has two F's. They all have wonderful excuses, none do I accept.

Do I really want to fight this for the next 4 years or do I just pull them out of public school? I am not sure which path I am more up to. Fighting them at home school or unending meetings at school, fighting with them about home work, and restrictions.

I was just getting to the place where I was enjoying my morning coffee at Starbuck's and lunch wherever. But I know that if something is not done fast, I will loose them academically.

[Lylac]

wow Indy, no advice..just hugs

[waited2long]

Oh that was a really speedy slide down the educational ladder...

I'm afraid it looks like you should go back to Home Schooling.

I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

[lucyjoy]

Oh fun. There's a nice 3 day weekend coming up. I think implementing school of dad to supplement their education for the weekend is a good plan. After all, they are struggling and you just want to be a helpful father.

I wouldn't give up Starbucks just yet. If school of dad on the weekends is ineffective, there is always that janitorial training they will be needing should they choose not to take advantage of the quality education they are offered. Someone has to keep those toilets and stairs shiny clean and you, of course, want to be sure they have the necessary skills to earn a living.

And, with grades like that, they'll have plenty of time since their social lives will have to be cancelled while they catch up.

[aspenhall]

Ho about you work out a deal with the teachers, where all the homework for the week gets mailed to you the week before, then you can mail back the week after....then all week, YOU have control of the homework....make em do it during the week (or weekend if it comes down to it)
and then YOU hand it in...the most they can control is failing the tests on purpose..and even that'll only get em a C avg.,..if you make em ace their homework...

[crick]

Didn't they just start school? It's been a month maybe, right? I know they are in high school, but the adjustment can be difficult that first month.

Just me, but I'd buckle down and give them a chance to turn it around before pulling them out. How are they remaining in sports if they have these grades? Maybe consider pulling them from sports before school? Or perhaps this is the curfew consequence time? Bad grades = no social life.

Jmo, but I see a lot of other possible steps to take that might enforce a change and to me the last step is pulling out of school. Maybe consider first trimester report cards as the deadline to get things turned around?

[kay]

I'm like you, Indy, I'd be at the end of my rope instantly - but I think Crick has the better suggestion. I also like the idea of the School of Dad over the long weekend - except of course that that kills Dad's long weekend too! I am crossing my fingers and toes and holding my breath and praying that I'll not again be facing a similar situation with C. I'm fretting already, but today was his first day back at school, so I really need to relax a bit and give him a chance!! Good luck with your decision - sure hope things improve, and quickly!

[Lylac]

Great idea's Lucy & crick!!

[lucyjoy]

No, no-school of dad won't mess up dad's weekend. Work is put together ahead of time(I like book reports on true history books and internet research reports). The boys can stay in their classroom-better known as their bedroom-and do their work all weekend long. It's no problem for dad.

[tybeemarie]

I would rather dive headfirst into a port-a-potty at the finish line of the Chicago Marathon than homeschool. It would take more than a month to get me back into that pit of despair!

*YOU* cannot make them do their schoolwork. You really can't. Getting involved in having the school mail you homework will create control battles that will be so ugly, and you will not win them. If someone wants to fail, they will fail. They will get to the mail before you, they will lie, they will find a way, even if it's vandalizing school computers. Do not put them in a position of having to ask themselves, "What can I destroy to keep my position and make my point?" They'll show you. And the cost? Your relationship. Your time will be spent in trying to control your own seething and rising anger. What a colossal energy drain! Ai yai yai!

I think Lucy's idea is a good one, if I were inclined to get involved. I had a major education addiction, though, and the thought of any involvement makes my skin crawl and my pulse race. I want NO part of that.

Let's say you homeschool. Let's say they are committed to failing. Than they do all of this with YOU! UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Or, if you wisely set them up with an online school and step back completely, they will fail with the computer and see how you like them apples.

Your task is to convince them they're not your apples, they're theirs. You have the standard of living you have because you embraced education and took responsibility. They have all lived with people who did not, shall we say, embrace education and responsibility, and lived in the poverty and chaos that their parents' poor choices dictated. Truly, they are making an informed decision.

Your first mistake was looking at online grades. Vow never to do such a thing again. Our school does not offer this, thank God, but even if they did, there is NO WAY I would check that out. They do have a homework site you can check for the middle schoolers, but I will be a meat-eating Republican before I check that out. None of my kids have learning disabilities, they are fully capable of writing down assignments, and the idea that I should check what their homework assignments are suggests that it is my problem. The problem, the problem, who owns the problem? Right now, it's you. Do they care that they're failing? No. I am sure they view that as your job. And our crazy society that rejects personal responsibility also views it as your job. IT ISN'T.

Forget their graduating for a minute--easy for me to say, I know, my oldest is 12, but bear with me. Forget graduating. If they don't learn NOW that they need to meet their responsibilities or life will give them a kick in the pants, they will be stuck learning this in adulthood, when the result is not an F in history, the result is an eviction notice, or being fired from a job, or getting a divorce, or having your wages withheld for failure to pay child support. Or jail. Save them an eviction notice--let them fail.

I did this with my daughter, and her GPA was a 1.0. Almost got kicked out of Catholic school. But, as she saw that I, through the grace of Jesus my redeemer, was free from my education addiction and categorically REFUSED to be involved with homework or assignments in any way, she began to see homework and grades as her problem. Next semester: 1.5. Last semester, 2.0. Who knows what she'll do this year. Whatever she does in terms of grades, that is HER PROBLEM.

Here is what I do to support her education: I pay to have her go to after care for an hour of homework time with a teacher in a classroom setting. I pay for tutoring--unless she blows things off in tutoring, in which case SHE pays for tutoring, to the tune of $20 an hour. I have no TV for the kids, no video games, no computer games, no phone privileges, no radio (only CD's I have approved, which means no sexually suggestive or mysogynistic or violent hip hop). I buy LOTS of books and frequently read to my kids. I read for my own edification and amusement constantly, and she sees this. I take the kids to cultural outings. I am going to go the biomed route. I have regular sleep times and good nutrition. That is a lot to provide, and to ask me to also be the overseer of her homework is, in my born again anti-education addiction point of view, sheer insanity.

Indy, you need to get Love and Logic products about education and teens, and get yourself brain washed so you do not take on this battle that cannot be won. Oh, that it could be! But it can't, it really can't.

It isn't fun having a ring side seat to the Self-Destruction and Squandering of Opportunity Show. I am sorry you are going through this. I know you love your boys and want to spare them suffering. But, more now means less later, and at much cheaper prices. You can do this! If I can, anyone can.

[stevenstwin]

I don't know....I see the points in all the posts above, but I guess the biggest question is WHY are they failing? If it is deliberate sabotage and an actual desire to fail to tick you off, then I guess Tybee is right. But is it just sheer laziness and lack of motivation? Then I'd say the school of dad idea might work. My fs never passed an honest grade in his life - they just kept on pushing him through. I got him half way through grade 9, and what with changes in residence, a TPR trial hanging over his head and all, that one was pretty much a disaster as well. he had a full time teacher's aide - stressed her out so bad she claims she sat in her truck after work most days and just cried. Again, the school let him slide on into grade 10, figuring that once he hit high school it was all on him to decide what to do with it (they can't boost you up a grade in high school like they can in the younger grades here). Anyway - I'm on both sides of it since I was his Socials teacher in gr. 9 and his English teacher in gr.10. That was last year, and boy did I ever keep on top of things - talking to his other teachers frequently, making sure he got his stuff done or lost privileges etc. My success story is that he passed EVERY grade 10 class, even got his grade 11 "health" course out of the way, and did enough extra work to earn 3 extra credits - all without even having a teacher's aide!

[momraine]

My son with aspergers I do look up grades and he likes the accountability. If he is missing assignments he does not get priveledges and he knows it. For me, it's not so much the letter grade as doing what is assigned. For me, if he turns in something that gets an F we talk about it, but most likely he won't loose priveledges, though we will discuss and try to figure out what the problem is. IF however he is getting an F for not turning it in, he gets in trouble. After all, this is what the world is about. If your assignement is to pay your electric bill, as long as you pay something, and put forth some effort, while it's not ideal, it helps, however if you just don't bother, then you get your power turned off. You will get fired from a job a lot faster for not showing up, than if you are just not good at the job. So I have to agree that the first question is, why are they failing. Failure to turn in work? (and if so are they doing it? My Aspie would do it and then not turn it, something that boggled my little brain) Are they honestly not getting it? Is behavior the issue? Are they needing more time for assignments? Tutoring? A lower grade placement? Etc. Anyway, once you figure out the cause, then you can devise an appropriate response. They do have to take some responsibility, but it's OK to find the resources to help them at this point.

[aMarylandfamily]

This is where the question "when does your child become responsible for their actions" comes into play. We experienced a similar situation last year ... very angry 15 year old when they wouldn't pass him - he could pass all the tests but this wasn't (and shouldn't have been!) enough for the teachers who count class and homework assignments into the equation ... and even more irate when us parents refused to allow him to "squeak" into Grade 10 with Summer School attendance ... so this week began the second round of Grade 9 ... and is he going to change - we don't know but do know that homeschooling (which I too could never do - no way to separate Mom from teacher and why destroy what relationship we have) nor lecturing nor punishments (although activities were very restricted!!!) made a difference. He has had it made very clear to him the results of these choices and the hard life he may lead or the struggles that may precede him changing his choices later. Now he is considering entering their GED program (eligible at age 16) and then getting his diploma through another program ... not our favorite choice but better than others (i.e. dropping out) so ... we take each day for itself - making the child responsible for his actions and definitely holding our tongues ... This probably doesn't help or answer your question but know you are not alone and that you have to decide either to rescue them or let them hang themselves and face the subsequent consequences of their choices - as said above - make the problem theirs!

Keep us posted. We care and support whichever way you go!

[Tudu]

I love Weekend School! I wish my kids could read so I could implement the book reports myself. I am gonna think about other things to "offer" my son this wonderful 3 day weekend.

[Lorraine123]

I know that we need to make school issues belong to our kids, but I can't do that. I have been homeschooling my daughter for a while and guess what - she is learning. Not setting the world on fire, but she was learning nothing in school so anything is an improvement. Now, this is very tough on me. Many days end with me in tears. But I am unable to let school go. That would be even harder on me.

My middle son has his grades posted online. I check them daily. Of course, he is self motivated, so I just have to lay on the guilt trip if his grades go down and he straightens up. Very different situation.

I would leave them in public school for now and implement Weekend Dad School. Let them know that they have to have their grades up by a certain time. If they don't - I say homeschool again. Education is so important to me that I would have to make a change. Hopefully they make the change themselves and improve on their own, but we all know how that can end.....