Ugly question related to RTC...

stevenstwin · #1 08-22-2007, 09:22 AM

This has been bugging me, and something very similar mentioned in another post prompted me to finally ask for opinions. Many years before I met him, when he was 9, A. was in a residential treatment centre for nearly a year. He told me, not to long ago, that while he was there he was raped by a 12 year old boy. He says that he fought back violently, but never told the workers what happened, and they put him in a private room (because of his own acting out), so he figured the problem was solved. Also says he's never told ANYONE about this. I really don't know what to think of or do with this information. First it was 7 years ago, and he was not in my care at the time. Second, he IS AD so I tend to suspect that he is lying to get attention a lot of the time (that said, I have often found out after the fact that what sounded like an outrageous lie to me really DID turn out to be true!). I don't know how common this is...but from the other post I read, it doesn't sound too far out of the question. He says he's fine - says there is no reason to even tell his therapist about it. The reason the conversation even came up between us was because we were talking about another boy and his own bad experience in a group home. So, what am I supposed to do? Tell someone so they can take it up with the RTC, after all this time? Tell someone in the department so it becomes part of his file? Tell his therapist? I don't know what is right for him, and I don't know what I'm legally supposed to do. I realize I'm a 'mandated reporter' but does that apply to crimes years old, and does anyone even really do anything about one child attacking another?

zebramom · #2 08-22-2007, 10:09 AM

Yes, it is possible. My son was a victim at an RTC but he told while it was still verbal and before anything severely physical happened.

If it happened, it does need to be addressed. If he's talking about it after all this time, it bothers him. I'm not sure telling the RTC would do any good at this point, but I would address it with the therapist and see how it plays out.

If he was sodomized, there would probably physical scarring or something similar.

You are in a tough spot.

lucyjoy · #3 08-22-2007, 10:23 AM

Things like this do happen. Lots of inappropriate sex stuff happens as well and what really happened may not be the same as he remembers either.

Does he need to address this? At some point, yes. Would I report it and force him to deal with it in the manner a SW would handle it? No way. Can his therapist be trusted to keep it between A and himself to deal with the trauma or will he feel a NEED to report it? Your son is not a little kid anymore. I might suggest to him that he consider working with someone to deal with that trauma but I wouldn't force it. EMDR would be a good way to address it.

Indy · #4 08-22-2007, 02:16 PM

Not sure it your state is like mine, but once a person knows of sexual abuse...it is the law to report it. You may want to work through it with a therapist, but they may have to report it.

stevenstwin · #5 08-22-2007, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indy

Not sure it your state is like mine, but once a person knows of sexual abuse...it is the law to report it. You may want to work through it with a therapist, but they may have to report it.

Yeah - I have no clue, especially since it was 7 years ago, and involved a child too young to be charged. I wonder also if his insistence that it does NOT need to be reported to authorities or his therapist is because it isn't true ?? (catch 22 there - if I insist that we bring it up, and it turns out it was a lie, he's going to be really embarassed. But if I question him to give him a chance to admit if it was a "story" then he'll get the impression I don't believe him.) Assuming it happened, I'm not even sure that he brought it up because he's still upset about it...the reason it came up is because we were talking about a boy his age, and how the story (unfortunately true) came out that he was in foster care for years because his mother used to prostitute him. Since he was being used by men, other kids were talking about him being "gay" or otherwise treating him differently. I asked A. what he thought of that, and he said that he would never treat J. any differently or think any less of him because...and then he told me that story. Which, again - MIGHT have been something he made up to create rapport with this kid - he does that sometimes. Most often he'll tell me the same story in 8 different versions, like it will turn out that it was true but happened to someone else!

lucyjoy · #6 08-22-2007, 03:04 PM

And if you report it, a worker comes out questioning your kid or worse, you have to take your kid to get a video testimony. In a lot of cases, all that does is further traumatize the child. Likely the kid who did the sexual abuse is also abused and really, at this point, may have had treatment. Then that kid gets charged and the cycle continues.

If I were a teen and said let it go and my parent reported it, I guarantee, I'd never tell that parent or anyone else anything ever again.

I know what the law says and why it's there but it's not always whats best for the child. And, with an AD kid, there is also the possibility that it isn't even true.

stevenstwin · #7 08-22-2007, 03:23 PM

I like the idea of suggesting he try EMDR...he's done some of that for other stuff, so he's a bit familiar with it. I don't think he'd MIND telling the therapist if I suggested it - he really likes and trusts her, even if he doesn't really think it does much good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

And if you report it, a worker comes out questioning your kid or worse, you have to take your kid to get a video testimony. In a lot of cases, all that does is further traumatize the child. Likely the kid who did the sexual abuse is also abused and really, at this point, may have had treatment. Then that kid gets charged and the cycle continues.

If I were a teen and said let it go and my parent reported it, I guarantee, I'd never tell that parent or anyone else anything ever again.

I know what the law says and why it's there but it's not always whats best for the child. And, with an AD kid, there is also the possibility that it isn't even true.

vesw01 · #8 08-22-2007, 05:18 PM

Interesting that any of you would consider it isn't true. I understand his history, but you are always supposed to "believe" the story. We are going through this with our 3 yr old....she has reported sexual abuse by her bio dad, I reported it...everyone is convinced that I must have come up with the story to keep them from going home. Oddly, anytime she talks about Dad with me, the topic comes up.

I am not saying report or don't report, but he is feeling something - true or not true...he is trying to express something to you. It should be taken seriously and discussed further.

good luck.

stevenstwin · #9 08-22-2007, 05:32 PM

Thank you, yes - as I've pointed out that are very REAL reasons why he might be making up a story, but I agree that I do NOT want to make him feel that I don't believe what he's telling me. In his case - he could be doing it for attention, he could be doing it because one BIG hallmark of attachment disorder is to lie for absolutely NO reason whatsoever, or most likely he could be making it up as a way of forging a bond (in my eyes) with this other boy. He hated the RTC, and blames the current social worker for sending him there, and making up this story is another way to triangulate and make me hate her to. There is virtually no end to the REASONS why he might be lying about this - and he told the story in a way that didn't really show any distress - it was almost like he was kind of getting caught up in the excitement of spinning a more and more interesting story...I'd say I'm about 50/50 on it. And I know HIM and the way he communicates very, very well. Hard to meet the need he's expressing when I'm not totally sure what it is, though. I'd bet my bottom dollar that true or not, the story was told to me in order to make me lavish nurturance upon him(pay attention, tell him how wonderful he is, confirm for him that yes he's had a really tough life and often been the victim and doesn't that just suck)...which I did. So I understand where you are coming from Ves, but it is SO different. For one thing, your little sweetie isn't old enough to have a context to make up details like that, nor does she (at three) have any motivation to do so. It's also really hard to "continue to discuss" anything with a teen who says the topic is CLOSED, and who you know will deny it all to anyone else you tell if he doesn't want to talk about it.

[quote=vesw01]Interesting that any of you would consider it isn't true. I understand his history, but you are always supposed to "believe" the story. We are going through this with our 3 yr old....she has reported sexual abuse by her bio dad, I reported it...everyone is convinced that I must have come up with the story to keep them from going home. Oddly, anytime she talks about Dad with me, the topic comes up.

I am not saying report or don't report, but he is feeling something - true or not true...he is trying to express something to you. It should be taken seriously and discussed further.

waited2long · #10 08-22-2007, 06:37 PM

Ummmm, has anyone considered that the adults in charge of this RTC, may STILL be in charge of it??
What if this happened because of negligence on the part of them?

I kind of think you need to ask your son if he can remember enough to tell someone, so that those adults don't allow it to happen to another child.

Asking him to tell someone else may cause him to admit it, IF he was lying. Having him tell someone in authority about it can lead to closure for him, since he should now discuss it with his therapist. I think it can also lead to safer RTCs.

If people don't tell, even years later, everybody thinks everything is safe..................

stevenstwin · #11 08-22-2007, 09:16 PM

Yes, that is definitely a concern that I had! How do they prevent this from happening? I thought supervision in these places would keep kids safe, but it was another post on the board today about a child being raped and then raping 2 others in treatment that made me wonder what they heck HAPPENS in these RTC's!!! :-(

lucyjoy · #12 08-22-2007, 11:05 PM

I'm not willing to sacrifice my child even for the greater good. If my child, my AD child, confides something so traumatic to me in confidence and I share it with others who use him to gain information, I've just lost every ounce of trust I've ever earned from him. You cannot force someone to deal with trauma before they are ready.

Turnover in RTC's is quite high and as long as kids share rooms, sex abuse is going to occur. Pushing this kid and risking further traumatizing him is a bad plan, in my opinion.

Adult victims get a choice to report or not. This kid is NOT in danger any longer, the perpatrator is no longer a child and who knows where he is in his healing, and the staff has likely changed 10 times at the RTC. No good can come of dragging this out into the open but lots of harm can.

What MY kid needs would far out wiegh any other consideration.

***momraine*** · #13 08-23-2007, 09:09 AM

The other thing to consider is if the kid is indeed lying, he could ruin someone elses life. A man who is the best friend of a friend of ours (complicated huh?) was accused by a student of his of touching him.
So first off the kid recants soon after and says he was lying and was mad because the teacher gave him a bad grade (that he deserved) and he got in trouble at home for it. Many people testified that this could not have happened the way the kid said it did. One incident happened on a camping trip. This teacher and another adult slept by the door of the tent this kid was by the back wall and says this teacher was sleeping beside him and touched him through both sleeping bags. All the other kids and the other teacher testified that it was wall to wall kids in the tent (they had been planning to sleep outside, but it rained) so there was no way the teacher could have gotten off his cot and stepped over all the kids to touch him. The kid himself then said it was probably just another kid sleeping next to him rolled over and accidently touched him. The kid claimed one incident happened in the classroom after school one day. Bus driver and the kids parents testified that there was never a day that the kid did not ride the bus, also the date the kid gave was in the middle of a week when the teacher was gone to a conference a sub was in his room. Kid had first said he was sure of the date becasue it was the same day as standardized testing in that subject. Third incident he said the guy came to his house in summer and climbed in a window. First off the guy was on a mission trip that summer out of the country teaching English all summer. Second the kids room is on the second floor and there is no way to climb up to it. Also parents have an alarm system. So all the evidence pointed to this guy being innocent. Still he spent some time in jail, lost his job and can never get a job working with kids again. His wife left him. Basically a false accusation ruined his life.
Anyway, I would be sure it's true before telling anyone else. I know my youngest can lie so well, it's scary. He often lies to get attention.

Kat-L · #14 08-23-2007, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vesw01

Interesting that any of you would consider it isn't true.

I agree- consider it the truth. Years ago, I worked in a residential treatment center. One of the kids told me her mother put her in an alligator pit at the zoo and it bit her leg. She then showed me a scar. It was so outrageous I had trouble keeping a straight face while she was telling the story. Later, when talking to a senior worker, I found out it was true. Her birthmom had serious psychiatric issues and did a lot of things that most people would consider too bizarre to be true.

As for the 12 year old abuser, he probably would have been charged if your son told what had happened. If he's old enough to rape, he's old enough to deal with the consequences. Since it's been 9 years, I don't know if anything could come of it now. Any evidence would be long gone and it would be one person's word against the other. I think the focus should stay on your son's emotional health. I think it's great that he trusts you enough to share this painful memory. Maybe he'll eventually feel strong enough to share it with a therapist. I would gently encourage him to share his story with his therapist when he feels ready.

As for reporting it, it happened years before you even met him. It's not practical to expect adoptive parents to call SW's and report every past abuse as it becomes known to the adoptive parent-especially if it's been too long to really do much about it.

stevenstwin · #15 08-23-2007, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kat-L

As for the 12 year old abuser, he probably would have been charged if your son told what had happened. If he's old enough to rape, he's old enough to deal with the consequences. Since it's been 9 years, I don't know if anything could come of it now. Any evidence would be long gone and it would be one person's word against the other.

Morally, yes - but here if he is under 14 there is no kind of charges that could be laid. Under our "Young Offenders Law" kids that age have literally gotten away with murder...the most that can be done is to determine if there is something wrong with their home environment and get them treatment (apparently already the case with this kid, I'm guessing!) Anyway, A. doesn't even know or remember the NAME of the boy, so any kind of reporting of it would serve no purpose other than to give the RTC notice that it

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