[janinelewis]

Next Saturday my daughter and I are going to New Orleans to meet the 8 year old little boy that I'm hoping to adopt. I'm still waiting on ICPC with Georgia. So far they aren't asking for any more paperwork so I hope that's good news!
I was wondering if anyone could tell me about their first time meeting their kids. What should I ask him? Should I bring my daughter to the first visit?

[zebramom]

How old is your daughter?

We've had first visits that have gone very differently. You can read my blog for details. Foster Adoption Blog - Meeting your child for the first time

One thing is to try not to be too excited and appear over eager. This is an emotional time for everyone.

Spend the time getting to know him, his interests, and just enjoy it. Since you'll be out of state, you may want to take a camera along for him to take pictures of you. One of the disposable kind should work well.

I'm sure others will have plenty of suggestions too.

Good luck!

[aMarylandfamily]

I am surprised that they are allowing a visit without ICPC approval in place with the placement being an out-of-state one ...

First meetings for that age are very hard - he doesn't understand all of the ramifications involved in the changes ahead and you'll be so excited that you'll want to share details of you, your home, your world with him. Be sure and check with his worker prior to the visit as to what he has been told about the visit and what can or cannot be said - you don't want to lead him on and then experience an ICPC delay thus making him hesitant to trust you as placement occurs.

Keep the visit simple, talk about his activities and just roll with the time - don't try and plan too hard or it may be overwhelming for both of you ...

More details and more advice to follow ...

[Lylac]

This also would be the perfect time to talk to his foster parents. I'd prepare a list of questions that I wanted/needed to know.

I typed them up, printed them, along with a self addressed envelope, so that the foster parents could answer the questions when it wasn't so hectic.

I learned so much, just by asking brands of stuff they used on him.

Plus, when folks are asked "on the spot" questions they tend to leave stuff out.

And I agree, although you want to shower him with tons of love & excitement..it may be scary for him.

[janinelewis]

Thanks for all of the good advice. My daughter is 9. His SW wants to meet me at a McDonalds. She wants me to observe him first and if I'm still interested, I will introduce myself to him. I don't see I reason for not being interested. I don't plan on basing anything on his looks. Since I'm only going to be there for about 5 days, she wants me to spend as much time as possible with him. The good thing is I know a lot of places to take him since I'm from New Orleans. She also said I could bring him a gift if I wanted to. So I got some cars, crayons, books, and a drawing tablet. I'm a little nervous about meeting him. It's almost like going on a blind date.

[Lylac]

The nervousness and excitement is completely normal. Crayons, drawing anything that will get him to interact with you or your daughter will be great.

Family coloring is always fun

Oh and the excitement?? well it only gets worse, until your baby is home. Then it's a whole nother type of nervous. Good Luck, we're all praying for ya.

[Indy]

That is the best advice I can offer. Others have given you some great advice about talking to foster parents, therapists, and case worker. Try putting him into situations where you can see him at his "worst" and best. I would recommend visiting him by yourself the first time, if you are able to find someone to keep your daughter. This will give you more one on one time. Jealousy is a real thing and can cause insecurity on the children already in your home.

Enjoy!

[Butterflies2]

I'm not sure if this is a done deal. If it it is, you could also bring him pictures with captions, for him to keep - your house, his new school, neighbors, relatives, his room, your car....

[tybeemarie]

I'm with Indy--I would not have your daughter participate until you KNEW you were going to be adopting this child. In the foster adoption world, a lot can happen. And really, doing the visit in itself is a handful, without also having to navigate your daughter's reaction.

As for why you wouldn't want to proceed with the adoption, it isn't about whether the child is good looking enough. Before getting my kids, I declined matches with very good looking children. It had nothing to do with that. It had to do with their issues being far more severe than I was prepared to handle (my kids have plenty of serious issues, as it turns out, but that's another story). In only one case did I actually meet the children and then decline. The other kids we declined based on their social histories and diagnoses. But let me explain what happened with the sibling group we declined.

They were beautiful children, but just before we met them, we learned that two of the three had FAS, a condition we explicitly excluded in our homestudy. (Two of my kids have FAS, but we didn't know that until after placement.) We decided to meet them anyway, since the children had been told we would meet them, and we didn't want to be yet another set of adults who didn't show up when they were supposed to. I also thought, well, maybe this is God's will for me. So we went and met them, and it was heart-breaking beyond words.

The little boy was very, very delayed, and so empty, and so clinging to my DH. I held the baby, who startled like mad at any sound, and who was also obviously delayed. The oldest little girl was a wreck running between her brother and sister, not sure who to watch while these strangers were around. Parentified as all get out. At 4, she knew how to change diapers, feed the baby, what the baby's cries meant. It was unbelievably sad.

And yet, as we sat there, we KNEW these weren't our kids. I wanted to represent them in court (I was a child welfare lawyer), I wanted to sue up a storm and get them services, but I did not feel like I was their mother. And children deserve a mother who feels like she is their mother. Who can fall in love with them.

I felt AWFUL about this. I wept like a madwoman, prayed up a storm, felt sick at heart, just sick. But, I knew I was not their mother.

Thank God we did not pursue them, because another couple met them, and fell madly in love with them. They were THRILLED to become their parents. Now, these kids had very serious issues and a horrendous past, but these parents were up to the job.

When we met our kids, we KNEW, on sight, that they were our babies. And they are. They make me suffer terribly-- they are attachment disordered, drug-exposed, two are FAS, all have PTSD. But they're mine. And I knew it when I saw them.

This boy may or may not be your son, and you likely will not know this until you see him. IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO TO A MATCH. There are so many prospective adoptive parents who are eating their hearts out, waiting for their child. If he's not your son, chances are, he's someone else's.

This is very, very hard work. I cannot imagine doing this for someone I hadn't fallen in love with, someone I didn't love with my whole (broken) heart, someone I didn't know was my son or daughter. Often it really sucks that my son and daughters are my son and daughters, and that I am their ill-used mother. But they are my son and daughters, and I am their mother. And so, I soldier on.

As for the first visit, words cannot describe the euphoria my husband and I felt through the visit and afterwards. We kept things simple. We had apple juice, pizza, pickles (a great favorite of theirs--they ate a whole jar!), and Klondike bars for dessert. We then took them to the nearest park to play. Sadly, they didn't have a lot of experience playing in parks. They found it very stimulating and enjoyable.

I myself liked having a plan. It gave me a feeling of confidence about things. Simple is best. These kids are easily overstimulated and quite deprived. Being in a clean house, eating together at a dinner table, having someone hold their hands to cross streets, playing in a sandbox--all of these were new experiences. Having meaningful conversations would definitely fall in that category--I would keep conversation light and upbeat.

I have a picture on my desk of the kids from the first visit. Knowing what I know now, it is a picture that screams RAD, but I was innocent about that then. They are skinny--they were not fed adequately in their abusive foster home. They are very dirty, with greasy hair and dirty clothing. Their eyes are empty, though their mouths smile. I didn't know the significance of that then. I was looking through the eyes of love, and I thought they were utterly beautiful--which they were, my kids are very attractive. But that's what I saw. And there is something touching in that, as I consider the naive, hopeful, innocent mother-to-be that I was, full of hopes and dreams. At the time, it was one of the happiest days of my life, a real thrill. As it turns out, it was, from an objective standpoint, more of a happy day for them, because it marked the first day on their journey out of a very sadistic, abusive foster home. They have made a lot of progress since then. It marks for me the beginning of my education in the world of RAD and what suffering and loss really mean. But also what regeneration means.

The first visit is very emotionally dense. I would leave your daughter at home, and take it all in. This boy may or may not be your son. Either way, it is a LOT to take in, and it would be nice to have some time to yourself to really process what it all means.

[janinelewis]

Thank you Tybee for sharing your experience. I will leave my daughter with relatives. All of my relatives live in New Orleans. No problem with finding a babysitter.
Butterflies, that was a good idea about the pictures. Since I am an advid scrapbooker and amateur photographer that will be very easy to do. Why I didn't think about that is beyond me.
I spoke with his SW today and she will try to set up a meeting with me and his therapist. The only problem is that I will be there on a weekend and holiday.

[aMarylandfamily]

Being a scrapbooker this may seem old hat ... but when putting together an album of pictures ... be sure and label everything - at 8 he should be reading some or can ask another to read the captions until he gets them memorized ... this way he can familiarize himself with things - like your name, your daughter's name, the name of the school, the name of your street (street sign pictures do help) and so on ... and will make his transition easier for him to where he won't feel like a third wheel asking what is this and that called. Be sure and leave a few pages blank and label the top of the next one with the child's name ... and a cute saying ... it will make him feel wanted.

Since you are giving them a few days - you may have to work with their schedules but you might be surprised how many will fit you in - even on the weekend or holiday - if they are working with him they want him to find peace and happiness and understand the magnitude of the change for this/any child.

Keep writing ...