[NavyMomma]

DH and I are trying to make a decision whether to adopt a developmentally delayed 22 month old boy. He is walking (though he only just started and is wobbly). He does not speak at all, but does babble. He has no diagnosis, and has not had any testing to find out how delayed he is. We don't have full disclosure on his info yet, we're hoping to get that this week. We do know that he was taken into care at birth and that his bmom has mental retardation (unsure of the severity). He is very sweet and smily! When we met him, he was very affectionate and playful. He made great eye contact and had no issues with physical closeness which leads me to believe that he is not autistic. (social worker told us she thinks he could be autistic -- I don't agree). He is on the small side as well. Also, we've been told that the previous foster parent was not taking him to his physical and speech therapy appointments and was still feeding him jarred baby food (there is no reason he cannot eat solids -- and he is now). So...I guess my whole point to this post is -- we are worried that he is severely delayed. We're unsure whether a stable environment and consistent therapy will help him catch up or if he will never live independently. Does anyone have any experience with developmentally delayed toddlers?? We are really torn!

[momraine]

I think it will be hard to know until he gets more testing. Personally, I would only move foreward if I were willing to commit to this kid no matter what, knowing that it's possible the delays might not go away and he might not live alone. Most likely he will get better in a stable environment, but you can't be sure, so do what is right for your family. Maybe the full disclosure will help with the decision.

[ajjhmf]

I agree with Momraine. You can guess all you like, but without further testing, you won't know for sure the cause of his delays or if they will get better. (BTW, my friends son is autistic, make eye contact and can be cuddly at times, so don't rule that out yet.) I would wait and see what full diclosure brings and I would request that he be seen by a developmental pediatrician for an assessment as well.

[NavyMomma]

Thanks ladies! We're hoping to get a meeting with the workers this week, or early next week. Hopefully we will have more info and will be able to make a decision. We did request that he be tested since he is nearly two. But, we'll see if it's been done! He really is such a sweet kid!! I suppose that REALLY we are fortunate to know that he has delays going into this and can get him the therapy and interventions immediately. We could have easily adopted a "healthy" infant and found out later about delays. I will definitely keep you all updated!! Until then I will be praying that we get good news!!

[Lylac]

With smaller kids it's even hard to know how much progress they'll make..even after testing. But getting them the help they need early on makes a world of difference.

I have 2 kids ( waiting for the 3rd to come home) that have dev delays. Our thoughts from the very begining was, we're committed to these kids, how they are right this minute. If they make progress, thats wonderful, but if they don't, We love them anyways.
They ARE our babies..no matter what.

The question that you have to ask yourself is: Can you be committed to this child..even if he makes no progress.

All of our kids have blown the doctors away with how much progress they have made. They are doing things that many said that they would NEVER do.

My opinion..which may not be worth much is. If he's walking , trying to talk, then really he's not that seriously behind. And I wouldn't have a second thought about adopting him. I'd move full steam ahead with it....but again thats just me.

[ajjhmf]

I wanted to add something here.

I have another friend who's youngest bio son was much as you describe at age 2. She had a healthy pregnancy, normal birth and could find no real reason for his delays. A year of early intervention later, she finally has some answers. T had a series of ear infections for his first 15mos of life until he had his adenoids removed and tubes put in. The constant fluid in his ears hindered his vestibular development, caused some pretty severe sensiry issues and he basicaly couldn't hear. He's still working through his delays, but he should catch up eventually.

So, be sure ot look at all aspects of his medical reports when you get them. Sometimes even things the appear simple can cause big problems.

Oh, and my own son was delayed at 4 when he came home. He's 8 now and although we are still dealing with some issues, he's really come a long way.

[NavyMomma]

I really cannot thank you all enough! Even though my husband and I have a fair amount of experience with special needs (I worked in a residential treatment facility, special ed classroom, and as a preschool mental health specialist), I still have worries that I won't be a good enough mother! We absolutely adored him the moment we met him!! We still have to take a bit of time before our final decision, but we are feeling more confident in our ability to parent this special child!

[dadfor2]

i agree with everyone else, testing needs to be done, and even with that, sometimes its hard to say since he is such a little guy.

My son at 4 yrs of age, could not really talk well at all, we couldnt understand one thing he said.

He is 9 now, and talks fine. So you really can never know.

[athikers]

As others have said regarding the speech issues... we were placed with a 22 month old last October. He was non-verbal. He grunted and barked. No babbling - nothing. After TWO WEEKS he was talking... not well, but some words. So, you just don't know.

[marykath]

I agree with the other posters: Get an evaluation and go from there. But please know that many kids improve greatly in an environment that is right for them.
Our youngest came to us at 17 months with no intellegible words and started talking within a week. She was assessed by the regional center to be delayed in all areas, especially language. Now, one year later, she has caught up and is even ahead when it comes to expressive language.

[Barksum]

I agree with the previous posters. I'd just reiterate that you should not commit to adopting this little guy unless you can happily live with him never being independent. You may not get many answers from testing. Additionally, even if you can get some heavy duty genetics tests, etc., you may not ever get a reason WHY he is the way he is. He may do super (and often even severely delayed children blossom when the get into their forever family) or he may not really go very far very fast, or ever. You have to be willing to live with him the way he is forever. (Although there are some hopeful signs that you've mentioned.) There are no SURE answers, and there is no guarantee.

You have to decide if you can be happy and contented parents of a young man who is mentally retarded, or delayed in some way that makes living independently impossible for him.

The fact that you are concerned about being a good mom points to the probability that you will be. If you had supreme confidence I'd worry! Being flexible, and willing to adapt to the child's needs are key, and being able to have a child who isn't the star athlete or honors student is also important.

We have adopted 4 toddlers. All were prenatally exposed. All have had various delays and/or other issues. One child did not babble or coo as an infant, and did not talk until age 4. He didn't leap into sentences at age 4, either, like everyone assured us he would. He just started adding to his vocabulary. At age 6 he still has a slushy sound to his speech, and he sometimes struggles with thinking of the word he wants to use.

Another of our sons was significantly delayed and they were even concerned that he's survive the first few months of life. Nothing specific, but just a sickly baby - in addition to the meth addiction at birth. Anyway, he's doing great, comparatively speaking. He's growing and adding to his vocabulary, but he's 3 and not really up chronologically with his maturity and cognitive skills. A joy to talk to, tons of fun, great sense of humor, but still on the bottle, still in diapers with no sign of potty training readiness, doesn't do alot of those typical preschool things.

I could go on and on...but with one child who is 9, one who is 6, one who is 3 and one who is 2, we still don't know who will be independent as an adult and who won't. They are all wonderful children who make my heart overflow with contentment. (Remind me I said this the next time they dump liquid laundry detergent all over the floor at a friend's house or write all over the unprimed sheet rock in the room we were remodeling, etc.) I also know that some people wonder at how we can truly be happy with children who aren't 'normal', or who won't be the CEO of their own companies, or whatever. For us it was just kind of a leap. Scary! but since we weren't planning on the kids being the fulfillment of all the dreams WE couldn't achieve, we were happy when they began doing so well with what THEY can achieve. And isn't that just what parenting any child is about, anyway? Giving them the tools they need to achieve THEIR personal best?

Having said that, though, there are some heavy responsibilities that come with children who may not achieve adult independence, and that is not something that everyone is able to do. So if you can't, then don't. It's ok to say no. We've discussed this with our older children and relatives who are older but the same generation as our children, and with our CPA. They've been willing to be listed in our will as co-guardians together, so we have a team of family willing to determine what is best for any children of ours who are still minors or who are not independent should my Dh and I become incapacitated or die.

[momraine]

I think only you know what you can and can't handle. For me, I could love most children, but I would struggle with some of the more severe RAD, and FAS kids, the violent ones especially. However, my kids with missing limbs, I didn't think twice about. If I did not have three people moving in here next week, I would be pushing my husband harder to let me adopt a little boy with no legs and cleft hand to add to our bunch. Some people are not comfortable with that and with the wheelchairs and such that are our life. There are some here who have adopted troubled teens, and love them through thick and thin and have had to deal with stuff that would do me in. Each person is different in what they can handle. Of course you have to deal with yourselves as a couple. I could handle a few things that dh could not. I would love to have a downs child, even knowing that they would liikely have heart issues and would live with us for thier whole lives. Dh could not handle that, so we are not going that direction, we found what we as a family can handle. (we also have bio kids) and we went from there.

[DeNaJa]

Hi,
I am a mommy who adopted a baby girl at birth. We knew that there is a risk of problems w/ any baby and that this baby in particular might be at higher risk since she was nearly aborted at 20 wks (dilation by metal rods had begun). When born, her APGARs were great and she seemed in great health. I noticed some oddities...things different than my other 2 bio-kids but figured kids vary. By 6 months I was concerned enough to speak to our doctor, but it took till 12 months for them to acknowledge what I already knew...developmental delays. She wasn't sitting up, talking, or even crawling...she rolled. She didn't walk till she was 2 yrs and 2 months. It took time to steady that walk. She has been in physical, occupational, and speech therapy since 13 months old. She is 4yrs old today and is developmentally a little behind my youngest who is 21 months old. SHe understands a TON more than she can verbalize and she does try to talk...her muscle tone just makes it hard for her to make her tongue do what she wants it to. Same with fine motor skills. She also has epilepsy, but has been seizure free for nearly 2 yrs. It is not what we expected. It isn't what we would have "wanted". It isn't easy. However, all that being said, she is a darling little girl and it is a joy and honor to be her mommy. We rejoice at her every accomplishment. We work with her and her therapists. She is filled with smiles and giggles and questions and hugs. She is a "daddy's girl" and is extremely silly! She and her siblings are the best of friends...especially the baby who is her "partner in crime"! Oh the mischief they get into!!! LOL!!! Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE at our church knows and loves her. They welcome her by name and the little teen girl come and wisk her away. They love her hair! They love to "shadow" her and help her in her class. Can she color in the lines? No. But she colors the world beautifully with her presense and our family would be strangely lonely and certainly sadder without her as a member. It is work and we don't have any realy diagnosis for what is going on. We don't know if she will catch up or if these challenges will be with her for years to come. We take it day to day and focus on the positives (not to say there are not stressful moments, but it is that way with developmentally on target kids too). We trust that God has a plan for her. After all, He made sure she was born against all the odds. We love her. We love her because she is who she is and because she is our daughter and because she is a magnificent creation. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but my advice would be to pray about it. It was obvious to us we were suppose to adopt our daughter. It may be obvious to you that you should adopt or you might get an answer that guides you to let him go with another family. All I know is, you will need to decide if you want to be his mommy regardless of diagnosis. You are not adopting a syndrome or delays or problems...you are adopting a human being. What can you handle? Some days my daughter is like 3 kids wrapped into one...which would be fine if I had just her, but I have 3 others! LOL!!! But she...the person, not the problems...SHE more than makes up for it. KNow what? When she says her prayers at night, I can make out only a few words. I figure that is ok since she isn't praying to me and God understands every word! But I do know she is praying for me. My little girl, who has obstacles and challenges that I would shoulder for her if I could, is praying for ME. I am humbled. After these issues developed, my DH and I figured God had put her with us because He knew she would need us. I didn't realize how much we would need her! I pray you have wisdom in making this decision. Don't be afraid...if you do adopt him, just love him and let God take care of the rest. You, as Mommy, just do the best you can by your child. That is all we can really do, anyway.