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Well, as those of you who have done foster care know, you never know what will happen.

The 4yo girl is with her mom until a court order comes through. There is also a 7yo and 9yo that mom has already lost and are permanently placed with grandma. They moved the 4yo from grandma because she was acting out and pulling out her hair. I think they were going to leave her with mom until the baby was born with cocaine in her system. So, this week they will decide if she comes to us or to her aunt.

BUT, we got to pick the newborn up at the hospital on Friday and I must say, I AM IN LOVE!!! She is the most beautiful baby and very easy. The nurses were amazed that she wasn't having serious withdrawls. She had been on oxygen and antibiotics because of an infection she got from mom, but other than that she is eating and sleeping and pooping and making us smile like I never thought I would.

HOW DO YOU NOT GET ATTACHED? We had to take her for a visit on Saturday and it almost killed me to leave her with her mom for an hour. How do you deal with her going home in 3-6 months? I keep trying to tell myself that whatever love and security she has now will last her a lifetime, but it still hurts my heart to think about losing her.

Thanks for all your suggestions. I printed them out for Amy in case the 4yo comes we'll have our cheat sheets to check with.

I'll keep you posted,
Ali

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Originally Posted By louise

to how you save yourself from hurt should your little baby return to her first mom. I do know that the love and attachment feelings will certainly last a lifetime and will stand to her in future times. Enjoy her completely, you, Amy and she deserve that! Louise

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Originally Posted By akat

as far as I can tell there is no way to keep yourself from hurting. If you truly are in foster parenting to help the child then you must love them and care for them as your own there just doesnt seem to be any other way. I to am a foster parent of 5 yrs and we have fostered 8 different children. We currently have a boy age 11 months who we got as a 2 wk respite when he was 3months old. He spent 2months in hospital after birth and then 1 month with another foster family and has been with us since. At the end of the 2wk respite the other foster family couldnt take him and we kept him because what else could we do. We are very attached to him and he is very attached to us. He will probably go home to mom in a few months and our hearts will break (we do have other children and they love him to). We know we will greive and he will grieve for us. Of course we will remember him forever and he probably wont remember us at all. But all we hope for is that the love and stability we gave him will give him a strong secure base for the rest of his life. Good Luck Akat

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Originally Posted By Pam

We had a baby that we picked up at six weeks and were told we'd probably get to adopt her because her mom was a hardcore drug addict. Three months later, an aunt popped up and we knew we weren't going to be able to keep her, but she still needed a place to live for three more months. We loved that little baby so much that her picture still hangs on our wall some four years later. She was precious and loveable and the light of our lives. We spoiled her rotten. While it was hard for us when she left (to put it mildly) it was great for the baby. And we were rewarded when the aunt somehow got our number and called us to gush her thanks for how happy and well-adjusted her neice was and how thankful she was that the baby had had good foster parents. After that,t hough, we didn't do foster care. I didn't want to get any baby/child thta could go home...I just didn't have the heart to do it twice. After that, we adopted only and only took kids who were legally free. But I think you SHOULD get attached to the baby. The baby will feel the love, and it will be something that will help her for the rest of her life....those early months of affection and nurturing. Enjoy

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When I fostered I would get myself into a certain mind set with the children. Before and after the children came I would sit down and think about a mental scenario that helped me to be able to attach to the children, but to also not try to interfere with family reunification and to be able to let the children go when the time came.

I would imagine my darling neices. Then I would imagine that their mother had to go into the hospital long term. I would think how I would feel if I kept my neices for two years. I would attach to my neices and they would attach to me (they already are). I would want my sister to get better. I would do everything in my power to help her get better. I would want my neices to be able to go back and live with their mother, my sister. I would love and adore them, but never would I think of myself as their parent even if they stayed for two years.

I would then put the bio family in my sisters place in my mind. For whatever reason their children were removed, I would do everything in my power to help their parents get better. I worked closely with bio family when I fostered, that was one of my greatest strengths. I could attach and love the children but remember they were not my children. That, in the same way I would agree to take my sister's children if she was ill, I was taking these children in the hopes that their family could get better with the right help. If my sister got better and was able to take her children back into her home, I would be the happiest sister alive. By the same token, with my foster children, if the parents got better and were able to take their children back, I could let myself rejoice along with the normal sadness of missing the child.

In some of the cases one or both of the parents were allowed no contact, I just put grandma or whoever in their place in those cases.

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and I believe that people that truly fall in love with a child can advocate for that child and protect them and care for them better than anyone else because they are connected. Although she will still be healthy and happy if you try to keep from getting TOO involved...she won't have that connection with someone. Fall in love with her SO deeply that you know what every change of expression means, however slight...and that you'll know her likes and dislikes, if something that startles her will then make her laugh or cry. She deserves that, and it isn't bad for you either. You'll cry when she leaves but you'll never forget her- and you'll leave her with the best beginning in life that she could hope for because she had a special connection with someone that loved her deeply.

You're right that what you give her will last a lifetime...and that you'll be hurting when she goes...but it's healthy to cry, too. I want desperately to foster eventually and these issues are things that I've spent hours dwelling on...and I came to the conclusion that I simply COULDN'T protect myself if I was to give the child all the love that I could...and that my heartbreak afterward would be a great sacrifice that I'd make for the child's benefit, not necessarily mine. I'm an emotional person, I'd be surprised if I didn't have to hole up in my room and bawl for a day or two...but I'd do it for them.

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I'm planning to foster/adopt and the issue of letting the children go after attaching to them has been one of my greatest concerns. Your idea puts it into perspective for me. I'm very close to my sister and her children so thinking of that scenario is easy....Thank you so much.....I just keep learning new things on this board.....Cheryl

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I keep trying to remember the positive and know that we will help her for life.

Ali

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I'm scared of the heartbreak and I'm sure that if and when she goes home or to a relative ( I think there are a few) that I will have to re-evaluate if we are going to stay foster parents.

I admire your courage in knowing yourself. I just hope I can have the courage to know the right choice.

A

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Originally Posted By barki

Small children in foster care KNOW when they are there as a part of the job and when they are truly cared about. I imagine that babies would know too, from all the indications we have on attachment and bonding issues gleaned from years of experience with bonded and non-bonded children. It is not only important, it is VITAL. Vital means "needed for survival". People tend to pass off issues with non-verbal people because we can't understand that they do understand and feel things.

I think the saddest thing my husband ever told me was that he can remember foster homes (more than one) where the people didn't care about him. They fed him and took care of his physical needs, but didn't care about HIM. All of this happened between ages 2 and 5, and he STILL remembers those feelings now when he's in his 40's. What foster parents do with the children in their care DOES LAST A LIFETIME, so make it count! )

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Although it is hard for me to try and seperate. After meeting mom and knowing her history, I hope this time she can make it work, but how many more this times does a person get?

I will try to think of it as a relative needing help. Maybe that will help with the letting go later.

At least we know she's being taken care of now.

A

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I know that I will be holed up in my room for days after she leaves and that it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Crying is not something I'm afraid to do. I was welling up with leaving her for visitation, so I know that when she leaves I will be a basket case.

I don't know how to hold back and have already fallen madly and deeply in love...

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We want to make sure that all children that come in our house feel loved and truly cared about.

Amy is now our stay at home parent (believe me, we both wanted that job), because we believed that all children, whether they were our foster or forever children, needed to be cared for by a parent figure, not daycare. We hope to give them all the one-on-one attention and loving to help them be able to make attachments and to know that they were loved.

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you sound like my family 2 years ago when we brought home our daughter....she too was so tiny, on oxygen, and so easy to fall in love with. And we did. I don't know if i could've handled it if she had ever gone home.

I think the idea of imagining the child as a niece is a good one. I did for the first few weeks try to treat Carly as I would've an infant in the hospital (I'm a NICU nurse). Since I tried to love all kids in the hospital like I would my own, that worked for a while. But then it started to become clear that she would probably not be going back to her bio-family and so she became a part of the family.

Good luck.