[newlindsoon]

Hi All. I’m usually a lurker on here, but have found myself in need of advice from people who may have been through what we’re facing, and can help prepare us for what may be ahead for us. I hope I’m posting this in the right area, and apologize in advance if I’m not.

Quick back story – DH and I are county fost/adopt certified in Colorado, have been since March. Had identified a boy we were hoping to place, but never got that far. Got the call last week on another boy, and we’re having a presentation on the 28th of June, which will include CWs, therapist, and current foster parents. We’re looking for one child, age 7-13, preferably boy, but would also consider girl. DH has a 14-yo son we only have every other weekend. We also have a 4-yo niece that we see very often.

That said, here’s some info I have on potential placement “D”, age 10. He is one of four sibs, all have been removed. They’ve all been in care almost a year, county is now filing for TPR, as bmom has done nothing with treatment plan (kids removed due to drinking, drugs, instability, neglect, criminal charges pending). So, they’re looking for fost/adopt placement for all the kids in preparation for TPR.

The two youngest sibs are in such a placement in another town about two hours away. I think “D” is the oldest. He was in a foster placement with sib for a few months, but experienced sexualized acting out that resulted in his removal to a different foster home. There are investigations happening and treatment has begun (don’t know much of anything about either of these yet). That other sib is now in a fost/adopt placement, and they’re looking for one now for him. Enter us.

So, my big question is:

Has anyone had experience with placements experiencing sexualized acting out? Has treatment been successful? I would think that this would be something that is treatable, but should I be totally freaked out by his potential future interactions with my stepson or niece? Again, keeping in mind that I haven’t had the presentation yet, and won’t for another couple of weeks, so I have very little information yet. I just wanted to hear about successes or failures in the area of treatment for previous sexual abuse and current sexualized behaviors.

Any advice or experiences that anyone could share would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!
Erika

[lucyjoy]

In my opinion, it can be successfully treated in most cases. However, you would want to have extra precautions in place just in case an issue were to arrise.
Many kids with sexually acting out are simply doing what they know and therefore, with treatment, can be untaught.

I would not have any kids share rooms, put alarms on all kids doors so you know where everyone is at night. I would not leave the niece unsupervised for any period of time with the child. I would explain to the stepson that you don't know what all children have been through so if something odd happens or whatever to come to you. I do this with my kids every time a new kid is added regardless of the child's history. We revisit safety rules etc.

I do have one child who is a sexual perpatrator. One thing I would want to know is if there were incidents besides the recent ones and if any ever involved non siblings. This can help establish if there is a pattern. My sons pattern was very clear in his file before I took him. He, however, is low functioning and honestly, at this point, I do NOT think he would ever perp again. I still take precautions, but have had no incidents of concern even in over 4 years.

[newlindsoon]

Hi Lucy -

Thank you so much for your reply. Your advice means a great deal, as I've read so many of your posts. I cannot wait to get more information, but have to try to be patient for the next two weeks. I will absolutely take on the action items you mentioned, and hope for the best.

I had thought that we would get more calls for placement, considering the age range we're looking at, but it's been slow, so I hope this placement can be a good fit!

[Lorraine123]

First, I would want to know exactly what acting out behaviors he exhibits. It could be anything from masturbating to perpetrating on other kids. That makes a huge difference.

My daughter had a history of touching other kids. She was removed from one home as a result. Since being with us, we haven't seen any of those behaviors. Initially she would act very seductively towards my husband and my sons, but that has ended. When she played Barbies, they had quite a sex life. That too has ceased.

Although I haven't seen anything in the past few years, I still use extreme caution. I never let her play alone with anyone. I have alarms on her door at night so she can't wonder. I alerted the school that she needs to be in line of sight supervision at all times (like not going to the bathroom with other girls).

One worry I do have is that if she makes a false abuse claim, she could easy claim sexual abuse against my husband. And since she could describe this abuse (since she lived it) it could be very believable. And she is very charming and convincing. I do worry about that.

I, personally, would not let sexual acting out stop me from a placement.

[newlindsoon]

Hi Lorraine -

Thanks for your helpful advice. I, too, am eager to get this specific definition of acting out.

With your daughter, was it treatment that made the difference in cahnging her behavior, or did she just outgrow it? What kind of treatment did you find most helpful?

I dont know what kind of treatment they're started for D, but hopefully it will work. I don't want this to be a deal breaker, but I guess it will depend on the severity, which we will discuss at length and in great detail at the presentation.

Glad to know that this behavior has been successfully dealt with in other placements :-)

[tvs4]

I'm certainly no expert on the subject - but I would also want to know his history if HE was sexually abused himself or if he was exposed to seeing inappropriate sexual behavior (by adults or others). Sadly, often these things go together but it may make a difference in how he is treated and the types of behaviors he may exhibit.

[Kelly Rae]

Just wanted to chime in about safety precautions. When you have your niece with you she should be as far away from him in the car as possible. If you have a van give him his own bench. Having had a sexually acting out child in my care I was shocked by how quickly things can happen. Line of sight for your niece means just that she has to be clearly visible at all times. When you get ready in the morning or need to use the bathroom you will have to think how to keep them separated till you are out. No slumber parties and he wont be able to go to friends houses until it is clear he isn't putting anyone at risk. If friends come over you are going to have to watch at all times. Sometimes when children are being vigilantly watched they start acting out more blatantly. Our fs would drop his pants if I turned my head away for a moment. Kids can heal but until they work through issues it takes a lot of work. Good luck in your decision.

[ajjhmf]

Everyone has had some great insight so far. I just wanted to chime in and say that while many kids do heal from this, there is always the possibility that a child won't. You need to be prepared for that as well in case if affects any desire to adopt again in the future.

Blessings,
Jenny

[tybeemarie]

In our kids' case, we have seen improvement. I think the main thing that stopped it was us knowing about it (not until they were in our home a year--you would be amazed how sneaky traumatized children can be).

We had line of sight supervision--major energy drain there, but not doing it was out of the question. Door alarms are a must, sharing a room is out of the question, and I would keep a close eye on niece AND on stepson--you don't know who he'll act out on. I don't view this as a sexual orientation issue, as this is more about asserting control when you've historically had none, so gender isn't necessarily controlling as to who will be a victim.

Attachment therapy has also been a help.

At this point, we do not have strict line of sight supervision, as it's been months and months since an incident occurred, over a year at this point. But, I don't allow them to go into each other's rooms, we don't all snuggle in bed, we are very protective of what the kids are exposed to, and I keep close tabs on them.

I would absolutely ditch the TV if this is an issue for him. You can forget rap and hip hop, too. WAY too sexual. Ironically, classic rock works for my family. Fortunately, I am a big classical music fan, so we listen to that, and world music. I am also very conservative in the clothes I buy them.

The tough thing is the darndest things will set them off--hearing a riff of some James Brown tunes on a public radio station brought out some really gross vibes in my kids, and a dancing style that I immediately put a stop to. Today, I took my kids to a water park, and some inappropriate teenagers sent one of my kids over the edge, and she actually threw herself at them, literally. So, there is never a dull moment.

Would it be a deal breaker for me? No, but it was when I started this! It can be dealt with, but it is a lot of work, and creepy, too.

[newlindsoon]

WOW, you guys have really been great. I truly appreciate your sharing as much information with me as you can and have. I expected very severe line of sight supervision going into this adoptoin anyway, just because sometimes DSS doesn't always know, and we're trying for an older child, who would be more likely to have been exposed to such things.

I have taken note of all of your suggestions, and have incorporated them into my growing list of questions during the presentation. I know I will get more information soon, but it's good to see that, with hard work, it's possible to overcome. There are few things that are deal breakers for us, and I don't want this to be one of them. Luckily, I'm hypervigilant, and always have line of sight on my niece anyway, so that won't be any different. I'm one of those people who are constantly trying to catch her if she even remotely looks like she'll fall. Plus, she gets very quiet when she's into something she shouldn't be.

Again, many, many thank yous to this wonderful group for helping ease my mind a little, andm more importantly, helping me develop the proper questions during this process.

[newlindsoon]

Just wanted to post a quick update, for those of you who were so very helpful with suggestions. We finally had the presentation yesterday, and have decided to move forward with meeting him for a respite night/weekend. It looks like the acting out is more a product of the adult behaviors he has witnessed than any actual molestation. He has made a great attachment with his therapist, and is also getting a new offense specific one, so they feel very strongly that he's been rached in time to change the behavior with treatment.

I will still take every precaution, and they have requested some self study, books, and a two day training on fostering and adopting the sexually affected child, so we'll know more about how to handle any future episodes, though there hasn't been one in many months. He has not had any incidents at school, which is a very good sign as well. This is not a deal breaker for us, so we are planning to do the respite, and, if he likes us, move for placement in the next couple of weeks.

We're so excited to finally have a match that may work for both sides. He's a brilliant and lovely child, who deserves the chance at a normal life, without all the insanity he went through with his first family.

Thank you all again for all of your guidance and suggestions. They have been taken to heart, and will be implemented. I'm so happy to know that he's not automatically a lost cause, because he really is a great kid! I appreciate the chance to vent about this here, as there's no way I'm telling my immediate family about this part of his background. I don't want them immediately biased against him, since the treatment is working. I don't know for sure that they would be, but I don't want to take the chance.

THANK YOU!!!

[tybeemarie]

Thanks for the update! It's great that you are preparing yourself as best you can, that will make things easier (but not easy, but this is special needs adoption, after all!). Also, you are wise to protect his privacy.

Good luck with your visit! It's exciting!

[Kelly Rae]

Look forward to hearing how it goes thanks for the update and congratulations .