[Joy2566]

I'm pretty discouraged right now. My 9 yo has been home from the hospital for 6 days. The first few days were pretty good, I can really see a difference in her behaviors, and then today happened. Her official diagnosis is adjustment disorder with possible PTSD. The psychiatrist felt that she was a very sweet child and did not need meds and the the outpatient therapy we have been doing for the past 6 months is more than sufficient to meet her needs. He reluctantly agreed to try meds (Abilify) because I insisted. We do go tomorrow for wrap around services that the psych didn't think we need. I am beginning to really believe that our main issue is attachment disorder, and her counsellor agrees, however I'm not getting much help. Everyone focuses only on the behavior and not the cause of the problems. E is very manipulative, and uses her behavior to control the family. She will pitch a fit and then repeatedly appologize, complete with all the excuses about how it wasn't her fault and she didn't mean it. I have come to believe that she is just trying manipulate me. I no longer want to dicuss her appologies, she screams at me that she wants to talk to me, but it really is not to change the behavior, more to control the family by taking my atttention from whatever I am doing, or need to be doing. I have started ignoring her yelling that she wants to talk to me, and it seems to just escalate her fit. Today's fit started because everyone was working at various tasks and she was fighting with everyother person and making it so that wherever she was nothing was getting accomplished because she was in the way and screaming at everyone. Since she was unwilling to work, her consequence was to sit in a chair and do nothing. Big fit! 2 hours of screaming off and on, it escalted to her scratching me and pulling my hair because I had the nerve to call the case worker (about something unrelated btw). The end result of all this is that she is going to respite while we go to a funeral. I just simply can't deal with her behaviors at a family funeral. Counsellor today said E has absolutely no empathy for anyone. She is angry about having to go to respite, but not sad. Just doesn't care that she will be away from home. Am I on the right track with parenting this child? How do we go about getting appropriate help? She's very good at making even the so called professionals believe that I'm the crazy one. Of course, I'm beginning to feel that I am truly crazy.

[Barksum]

(((hugs))) I don't have children with a deeper level of attachment problem, but wanted to send supportive hugs.

I am sure one of the RAD moms here will give you some advice.

[aMarylandfamily]

Dealing with this behavior often finds a parent feeling like they are living in "the twilight zone" ... how can a child be so sweet and manipulating and succeed and then return to "behind closed doors" (often called home) and show a completely different scenario ... we too have experienced timeframes where it seems like I should have the degree in ordering treatment (both therapy and medication) as my instincts and decisions (and forcing professionals to do this or that ... i.e., medicate) are more on the mark than could be possible from a logic standpoint. You are not alone ... the one factor here that will be most important is making decisions for situations in advance (or as advance as they can be) and consistency in her and you knowing the consequences for actions ... the respite for the family funeral is perfect ... do not let her make the choices for what you will and will not do ... yes, easier said than done I know ... and because you have more than one child in the house affected by this manipulation and control attempt - make sure they all know what to expect and while they have to put up with some (part of being in any family) they don't have to give up all for her ....

Hoping some of that makes sense and helps ... no one, and I mean no one, totally understands unless they have been here and done this and hoping knowing you are not alone and you have a place to vent, for support and most of all caring gets you through ...

[TxMom65]

Could your counselor be the key? Since she does agree and see the attachment issues maybe she could help find someone.

Best wishes.

[lucyjoy]

For the immediate, change you appraoch to addressing the behaviors. If you need her to sit and you know she will throw a fit, tell her to sit in the chair and be sure to yell alot. Hey, if she yells, she did what you told her, if she doesn't, she did what you wanted. Either way, you win.

As for the wanting to talk. "Oh honey, what you have to say is so very important. Here's some paper. Please write it ALL down so I don't miss anything. How many sheets of paper will you need?" If she just continues to yell, keep adding paper. She's done with the consequence when all papers are full front and back.

Then, see about finding a good attachment therapist to address the trauma and past issues and the attachment to fix the source of the problem.

The p-doc might be right about the meds. For attachment, there are no workable meds. Most of my kids had no response to being medicated. The ones that did also had other brain issues like bi-polar or schizephrenia type stuff.

Glad you have respite available.

[SAHmom]

Great advice from lucy! Hugs sent your way, Joy!

[JewelMarie]

Your little one sounds like my 9 year old. I am not a doctor but it does sound like RAD.

I like what someone suggested about the paper, the time out with yelling, etc. She wants to know that someone will listen and care, yet she does not know what to do about it that someone does care.

Keep working through it with her one step at a time.

[2manyks]

gosh - this is RAD, but you can deal with this. find a good book about attachment. my favorite is *adopting the hurt child* or something like that. your childs behaviors are *normal* for her. you do need help though. respite is a great thing. i knew nothing about it until i had been dealing with my dd for 2LONG YEARS! i was doing pretty good until our therapist went on sabatical and she sent us to her replacement. my dd was so absolutely sweet during therapy that the therapist finally pulled me aside and told me I was the one with the problem. you bet i have a problem, ive been parenting A fpr 2 years and now im going bonkers. i left that therapist that day and never went back. she had no idea about dealing with RADkids. i did find a therapist for ME and prozac. i waited too long to find help. now we are building from the bottom up and i hope it works. an attachment therapist is the key, and not just anyone, but someone good. finding that person is a pain in the butt. you will have to probably go through several therapists untill you find a good match for yourself and your child.

lucyjoy - how long have you been parenting rad kids? i cant wait for my reactions to be as good as yours! i am way better then i was 3 years ago, BTW. it was just hell getting here!

one thing that works well for us is when my dd or ds want the attention of everyone and we cant get anything done i have everyone stop what they are doing and make a huge deal about it. *everyone stop what they are doing and look at A. shes got something important to say* then everyone stands in a circle around A (we have a big family too) and then the spotlight is totally on her. she folds from embarrassment and runs away and we get the peace we want - for a minute anyway. the other thing is fits are thrown in the bedroom or on the front porch. that kinda defeats the purpose since no one is there to watch. sometimes i sit on the front porch and tell the kids im busy having a fit and not to disturb me, lol!

[Becki_in_IN]

Originally Posted by 2manyks

the other thing is fits are thrown in the bedroom or on the front porch. that kinda defeats the purpose since no one is there to watch. sometimes i sit on the front porch and tell the kids im busy having a fit and not to disturb me, lol!

This is hysterical. I'm gonna have to try this.

[lucyjoy]

I've been at this for 12 years.

2manyks-sounds like you've come up with some good stuff already.

[Lorraine123]

You guys are good. You suggested some things that I can use. RAD is SO tough.

[scandi]

I also agree with Lucy those same things work great for me. My youngest will yell and scream in time out and I tell him to keep on doing it because that is his fun time and I want to make sure he is having fun.

His response - "I don't want to have fun !!"

My oldest is also on abilify and it has worked wonderful with him. I went up on the dose a bit after my youngest came home but have dropped back to the 7.5 mg at the end of the school year. It is for his anxiety level which can shoot thru the roof quite often.

I would say just keep pushing for what you believe you need. If you think another doc would be good see if the therapist can recommend one. I have been lucky there are many therapists to choose from in MN but I have had to drive quite a ways for them. I found a great doc - who is also an adoptive parent.

just my experiences